Page 37

Chapter Thirty-One

J onah had left responsibly some time ago when the threat of the drink was growing.

He’d wished Hugh the best of luck with the situation, still commenting that choosing to marry Selina himself remained a solution.

Hugh had not believed him, of course, but the notion had infected his mind and kept him from rest.

So, Hugh had found himself in the gardens, wandering the curving paths as his mind churned over the events to come the following day.

Selina would marry Magnus, and he’d been instructed to be present for it.

Hugh could not imagine standing there in the chapel and watching Selina give her vows to that man. It twisted his stomach into knots.

Focus, Hugh. You must only get through one more day. Selina… Selina will be gone, and you will return to life as you knew it.

As he walked, Hugh allowed his mind to drift away, his thoughts settling on the sounds and scents around him.

The night air was crisp, a slightly moist chill that clung to the outside of his waistcoat and the strands of grass at his feet.

He could pick up that particular fragrance of the water fountain not too far away from where he stood.

Even more, the smell of the evergreen branches of the hedge up ahead reminded Hugh of his first kiss with Selina.

I’d discovered her innocence then.

Hugh lost himself to the memory of Selina’s lips pressed against his, the way she had so timidly swept her tongue across his, mimicking his actions. She had been so very new to it, and the knowledge that he’d claimed her first passionate kiss for himself lit him up inside.

It still did.

He’d taken so much of Selina’s time and experience, touching her in the shadowed hallway, teasing her in the study and then the theater, and of course, finally feeling her body wrapped around his as she gave him her virtue in the same room where she had first tempted him.

My Selina… except not at all.

Sighing, Hugh rounded a corner only to come to an abrupt stop when he saw her on the pathway in front of him. Was this real? Was he just hallucinating the arrival of the woman who so consumed his thoughts?

She looked up, locking eyes with him as she stopped suddenly, too.

“Hugh? I… What are you doing out here?”

“I…” He sucked in a breath. Usually, Hugh was so deliberate and purposeful about his word choice.

Still, something about finding Selina out here in the garden when he’d been thinking about her made his usual composition fall to the wayside.

“I could not sleep. Too many thoughts running rampant in my mind to rest.”

The shock on Selina’s face melted into a soft smile, and she stepped forward, coming to stand just in front of Hugh.

As she looked up at him, his pulse fluttered in his neck, wanton fantasies running through his head.

He could not fall victim to any of them, not with the wedding in the morning and Selina’s own declaration that “this” was done between them.

“I could not sleep either. Would you… Would you like to walk with me?”

He couldn’t help but grin back, nodding.

They took their places next to each other, proceeding to wander through the gardens at night, the sounds of the fountain and unseen insects creating a backdrop to their stolen promenade.

For several minutes, they walked in silence, neither of them willing to break the tenuous serenity that existed between them.

They were both guilty of provoking the other on numerous occasions, and Hugh had to assume that Selina—just like he was—sought to avoid bickering.

The moments dragged on, the feeling of comfort associated with Selina’s presence growing stronger and stronger.

Then, without a word, he reached toward her with his fingers as they walked, seeking out her hand.

Selina had sensed it, her own slim digits sliding through the air.

Finding her, Hugh held Selina’s hand as they walked.

Of all the intimate gestures they had exchanged, this one felt oddly profound, so much more intimate and vulnerable than any other. Selina was holding Hugh’s hand, and the furious pound of his heart was so great he could feel it in his throat.

I could stay in this moment… forever.

They made their way toward the stone bench near the water fountain, meandering over to it and taking a seat. It was an unspoken agreement to rest for a time, but Hugh still clung to Selina’s hand, internally mortified that he was desperate to keep the contact with her.

As the sounds of the garden pressed down on him, Hugh found himself desperate to ask a question he’d been holding onto since he’d met Selina that first time and still went without an answer. He stared out at the fountain, taking a breath to steady himself.

“Why did you never remarry?” Hugh slid his gaze over toward Selina as she watched the water falling into the basin. “I find it hard to believe that you were never met with offers.”

Selina chuckled lightly, still looking at the fountain. “I was. You’re right about that, but I did not want to. I wished to remain a widow.”

She answered so readily this time, and Hugh was taken aback. Selina had not wanted to remarry all this time, and undoubtedly, that was why her frustration with his edict to remarry was met with such disdain. She had planned on remaining unwed, likely for the rest of her life.

“Apologies, but…” Hugh waited a moment as Selina looked over at him, her expression one of casual amusement. “…why?”

Letting out a heavy sigh, Selina’s countenance filled with nostalgia and memory, her eyes shifting to focus on the middle distance between them.

“I have been raised my entire life to be perfect, to be the best possible lady I could be. In nearly every interaction I’ve had with men, and several women as well, that was all I was.

A perfect lady. Meant for marriage and nothing more.

Not an individual in my own right. Easton even had trouble in the beginning. ”

Selina shrugged to herself, the corner of her mouth lifting in a smile even as her distant gaze remained serious, almost… sorrowful.

“Eventually, he saw me for so much more, but that had to be a rare case, indeed. How could I assume that another match might see me for me? And if not, how could I think that I might find love in a different arrangement? It felt safer and more suitable to remain alone. At least then I had the freedom to do as I pleased with my days. In fact, being a widow was remarkably freeing in a way I had never experienced before. I didn’t want to give that up. I still don’t.”

Hugh had to admit that he’d never given it much thought until now; a curiosity lay within him, but it was passing in most cases.

Hearing Selina speak filled him with an understanding that he would never have gained otherwise had she not been so forthcoming.

Women in today’s high society were expected to perform various duties, and the roles they played were predetermined from birth.

It was strange but understandable that being a widow had been the best place for Selina in the grand scheme of things.

“I see.” A chuckle escaped Hugh, and he smiled when Selina glanced over at him.

“What is so funny?” She narrowed her eyes on him.

“It is just…” Hugh rolled his teeth between his lips, considering his words. “… I understand what you are saying, and perhaps… well, perhaps that is why being with me has been alluring to you. You have never once been perfect with me.”

Chuckling through a mock gasp of outrage, Selina put a hand to her chest before knocking him in the shoulder with hers.

The joint of sensation through him was enough to get Hugh stilling, his thoughts darkening as he registered Selina’s proximity all the more.

She was so close, and as their eyes met, the air shifted, becoming charged and tense.

“I believe you are right.” Selina bobbed her head gently, having difficulty looking him in the eyes now. “I believe the ability to be myself around you has certainly made staying away a challenge. Though there is more that keeps me from pushing you from my mind.”

“Selina,” Hugh warned, his stare jerking away from hers as he tried to put distance between them.

But her fingers caught his chin, pulling Hugh’s face toward hers and forcing him to look into her deep brown eyes.

Something in her stare pleaded with him, and Hugh felt himself crack down the middle, a giant fissure snaking its way through the plane of his being.

On either side were left the opposing factions of desire and decorum.

“Please,” Selina’s brows knitted together as she stared at him, “I just have to know. We have said so little to each other about the truth of what’s between us, and even if I can do nothing about it, I have to know.”

Closing her eyes briefly, Selina sucked in a deep breath that visually rocked her entire body and then made herself look Hugh in the eyes again.

“Do you want me?” She squeezed his hand which he’d forgotten he was holding. “Could you see yourself… loving me?”

Hugh sighed, feeling gutted and emptied out onto the ground for the sun to sear as it rose. Reluctantly, he pulled his hand from hers, getting up off the stone bench and taking a few paces of space.

“You do not understand, Selina.” Refusing to look at her as he said the words, Hugh felt his throat tighten.

“I am not a man who ought to be a husband. I would do a piss poor job if it, I am certain. I cannot give you what you want. I cannot be the man you deserve . You see too much good in me that is not rightfully there.”

The rustling of fabric sounded behind him, and then Selina’s hand landed on his shoulder. Hugh tensed but didn’t yet leave or pull away.

“Do not decide what I want for me. I have had that done by everyone in my life. Not you, too. I know who you are at your core, and I know I want you.”