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Chapter Twenty-Eight

A s soon as Selina had left the conversation with Lydia, she literally ran into her mother, who’d come searching for her.

Steadying herself while holding out a hand to catch Bridget by the elbow, Selina let out a harsh breath as the air was forced from her lungs.

Her mother squealed lightly and then took a step back from her with a scowl.

“Selina,” she chided, “what on earth were you doing out here like this? We have so much to be done and?—”

“Apologies, Mother. I was speaking with Lydia. I am ready to return to the preparations with you.”

Her response had been polite enough, but judging by her mother’s change in facial expression, Selina’s tone had not been perfect.

Bridget was always a shrewd judge of mood, and it seemed that insight was being focused decisively on Selina.

With a sigh, she ducked her chin, awaiting her mother’s inevitable comment.

“Dearest, are you quite all right?” Selina felt her mother’s fingers on the bottom of her chin, pulling her face upward so that she had to look into the woman’s eyes. “Has something happened with Magnus?”

This wasn’t exactly what Selina had expected.

She knew that her mother had been looking forward to this arrangement with great anticipation, and she’d been insistent that the future would be bright with Selina’s fiancé.

She was certain—despite their previous conversation about taking lovers—that Magnus would turn out to be the man of Selina’s dreams, just as Bridget had seen her husband after their wedding.

But before the gambling.

“No, Magnus has done nothing for you to be concerned about. I merely needed some fresh air. All the preparations and proceedings can be rather overwhelming, and I only sought to relieve some of the pressure. Nothing like the brisk spring air to remedy a stagnant mind, right, Mother?”

She narrowed her eyes at Selina, cocking her head as she stood before her daughter with her hands clasped at her waist.

“You have never once agreed with me about that. Be truthful with me, Selina. I should be able to expect that much.”

Selina’s shoulders drooped, and she couldn’t restrain the sigh that escaped her as she put her weight on her back foot. The estate was vast and echoey around them, even here in the hallway, and Selina suddenly felt dwarfed by the sheer immensity of it.

“I will admit that my hopes for the future with Magnus do not meet the level of your own, Mother. I foresee a life similar to the one I had with my late husband. While that was comfortable to the end, it was not a relationship of love but friendship.”

Her mother’s expression dropped, the constant poise there faltering.

“Selina, I had assumed that your time with Easton was fair and fortunate, but a part of me knew, of course, that you did not love him as I did your father. His marriage to you helped to secure the family, however, to secure you.”

“I am aware of the benefits of the marriage, Mother. It is why I went through with it of course. You have raised me to always be sure I am doing what’s best for the family, for our line, and for our reputation.”

Bridget’s lips parted as her jaw dropped a hair.

She looked on at her daughter as if struck by some strange revelation, but certainly none of this was news to her?

Selina had not been overly quiet about adhering to duty for the sake of the family, and Bridget herself had taught all her daughters to act as such.

“I have never heard you put it quite like that, dearest.” Bridget smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes, and Selina’s chest pinched at the look of discomfort on her mother’s face.

“I will be quite honest with you, Selina, when I say that I am aware that I have not made your life easy. I know I have put a great deal of pressure on you as the eldest child, and you have always risen to the occasion.”

Selina was at a loss. She’d never heard her mother be so candid. The fact that she was admitting that the constant concentration on Selina’s duty was indeed a weight to bear was something Selina never thought she would experience.

“Mother, I?—”

“Now, allow me to get this out, Selina.” Bridget traded the weight on her feet, fiddling with her fingers as the nerves so clearly got to her.

“It is-It is out of an overabundance of caution, Selina. I am terrified that something might happen to any of you girls, and I live my life with that fear every day.”

Bridget sighed, letting her stare fall to the floor, and a subtle grin touched her mother’s face, one that spoke of reflection and nostalgia.

“You have a child, and the entire world changes. It becomes the most important thing to take care of them, to ensure that they live a life that is better than your own. That is everything you could dream of for them.” Looking up at Selina, her mother’s eyes were glassy.

“I have made every decision I have out of fear that you will not be granted the life you deserve. The thought of seeing any of you destitute or ruined haunts me. I only want you to be happy, Selina, and safe.”

Shock rested on Selina’s shoulders, and she could not think of a word to say for several moments.

In that time, her mother had come up to her and wrapped her arms around her.

They didn’t engage in overly emotional displays, and it appeared that today would be so filled with monumental changes to the routine.

“Mother, I…” She snapped back to reality, squeezing her mother tightly as she allowed a part of herself to break down, finding strength in the comfort of her parent, who had been the guiding force through every moment of her life.

“…I understand. I worry for Lydia and Myra, for you. Magnus has agreed to take you in. It is the best place for us all, and I will not let you down. You have to know that.”

Leaning her back, Bridget took Selina’s face in her hands, offering a tiny smile.

“My sweet girl, I have always been so terribly proud of you. Always. You have done so much for this family, and I know I have not said it as often as I should have. I am grateful for all you’ve given up to keep us secure and for everything you have done to present yourself as the perfect lady.

You’ve even managed to find a group of comrades with whom you can be jovial and at ease. Not many have achieved that.”

Chuckling, Selina nodded, wiping an errant tear from under her eye. This day was proving especially emotionally taxing. She was going to need a respite for at least a week after all this business was over.

“Thank you, Mother. That is precisely why I am not concerned. Magnus has been a wonderful friend. There is no one else whom I might choose to engage with. We will all be together at his estate, and I shall be there to take care of Kitty—the perfect duty for any proper lady.”

“Selina, are you certain? It is uncommon, but proceeding with a better-suited match can be done. Is there anyone who?—”

“There is no one else that I think of, Mother. I—-This is the command of the Duke.”

Bridget raised her brows, nodding. The woman could see through Selina to the back ties of her stays, and she felt naked beneath her mother’s knowing stare. Selina could not help herself, though. The urge to refute the sentiment had been too strong.

Because, of course, it had been true. There was the Duke and everything Selina still felt for him.

“I see.” Her mother nodded at her again, taking Selina’s hand and stroking the back of it with her thumb.

“You have been a good daughter all your life, Selina. This arrangement is meant to make us all happy and secure. If it will do that for you, I will continue to be as thrilled as ever. Still, if you find yourself wanting something else, well…”

Bridget did not continue. She let the words hang in the air where they were poised like a knife above Selina’s head.

The insinuation had been there, and she hadn’t missed it.

After a moment, her mother embraced her once more, putting her hand on the back of Selina’s head as she had done when she was a child.

“I love you, darling. Take a moment to refresh yourself further. The staff and I can handle the remaining preparations.”

Selina stepped back, surprised. “Are you certain? I am more than capable?—”

“I know you are, but a bride must be fully rested and clear-headed.” Bridget met Selina’s eyes intently. “I trust you to find that for yourself, always such a bright and witty daughter as you are.”

Kissing Selina’s cheek, her mother left her to stand alone in the hallway as she returned to the drawing room to discuss the events of the wedding.

It was deathly silent in the hall, and Selina stood there for too long before finally moving once more.

Again, she took to the garden through this side exit, but this time she did not stop near the house; instead, she proceeded out into the rows between sculpted hedges and flowering trees.

When she reached the small stone bench near the large fountain at the center of the hedge rows, Selina sat down.

She felt as if she could cry, but the tears would not come.

She was too at a loss for what to do, too drained of emotion and reason to find it in her to sob, even as the crater in her heart stretched further and further apart.

In all her years, Selina never would have expected her mother to suggest cancelling a marriage agreement. It would be scandalous. It was never done, and the damage to their reputation would be certain. How could she have suggested such a thing?

She must have lost her mind. Mother isn’t at all like this. She…

But the memory of her words, the insistence that her daughter’s happiness mattered the most to her, struck Selina like a bolt of lightning.

The family would be in awful straights if Selina did not go through with this.

Where would they go? Hugh had made it clear they were not welcome, and Magnus surely wouldn’t take them in out of charity.

And she could never bring herself to accept that in the event that he did.

There was no way out of this predicament except to marry Magnus and resign herself to a continued existence of mediocrity and solitude.

There were people far worse off than she. Selina had no right to complain. Still, as she looked up at the estate from her seat, the stone of the bench was cold even through the layers of her dress, and her eyes settled on the window that took up the study’s exterior wall.

Hugh was inside that room. They had been together inside that room. Selina had allowed herself to be finally claimed there, and she’d dreamed of it ever since.

What am I to do? Is this some fleeting infatuation? Can I even dare to allow myself to think about ending my engagement?

The tears finally came then, and the only thing Selina could see behind her closed lids was what had always been there to haunt her—the image of Hugh’s smirk as they danced alone in the ballroom.