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Chapter Twenty-Nine

H ugh had remained trapped in the study for every hour of the day.

He wouldn’t be caught dead roaming through the halls or attending a meal after breakfast which was unfortunately demanded of him as part of preparing for the upcoming wedding.

Beyond all that, though, Hugh locked himself within the dim confines of the study and would come out for nothing.

Lest he encounter Selina.

A few more days, Hugh. Only a few more days. You must hold yourself steady.

But it had been more difficult than he imagined.

His mind continually returned to images of Selina as he claimed her against the bookshelves.

He glanced up, staring at the exact spot.

Hugh’s mind superimposed the scene they made over the empty space, drumming up the sounds she’d made for him and the way she took him so beautifully.

“Dammit.” Standing from his desk, Hugh stomped toward the small cart of liquor he always had the staff stock and poured himself several inches of whiskey into a stout glass.

He was not proud of himself for turning to the drink once more to ease his internal torture.

But he could think of little else to do that might lessen the pain.

Throwing back the whiskey, Hugh focused on the burn as it dripped down his throat and deep into his belly.

He was a frigid pillar of frozen steel, and the firewater melted a channel down through his core.

You have ruined everything yet again, bastard that you are.

Selina had come to him for one night of passion and nothing more, and he should have turned her down.

He should have been honest with her about his feelings.

Hell, he should have been honest with himself about them.

Selina’s essence infected his soul. He thought of her every hour of the day and night, dreaming of her, fantasizing about her.

Scenes of entangling himself with her, yes, but also of waking with her beside him, of finding her in the afternoon light perusing a book, of attending a ball with her on his arm, proudly displayed.

Knock, knock, knock.

It was not overly late in the evening, still just past supper, but Hugh furrowed his brow at the intrusion. He’d asked not to be disturbed, and Selina had been keeping herself away from him.

Standing, he walked to the door, opening it to find his butler. “Yes?”

“Good evening, Your Grace. A friend of yours, a Mr. McMills, has arrived at the estate to call on you. Shall I show him to the drawing room?”

Jonah was here? It was quite likely the man could sense Hugh’s destructive mood even from across town at his solicitor’s office. Sighing, the Duke shook his head, giving the butler a polite smile.

“No, please show him here to the study. Thank you.”

After Hugh shut the door, he proceeded to the whiskey once more, pouring Jonah a glass so that he might join him in drowning his misery. It didn’t take long for the butler to show him back, and then the two of them were left in the study together to converse.

“Hugh, you’re looking…” Jonah regarded him, his steely gray eyes swimming up the length of Hugh’s entire form before settling once again on his face. “… quite awful, actually. Are you well?”

Hugh couldn’t stop the bark of laughter that erupted from him. Jonah was well known in all his social circles for having the sense of humor of a wet cloth which proved to be especially hilarious to watch. Still, Hugh didn’t appreciate the very keen observation his solicitor provided.

“That,” Hugh started, walking up to Jonah and depositing the fresh glass of whiskey into his grip, “is very astute of you. Still, I hardly wish to discuss it. What brings you here?”

Jonah looked over the whiskey appraisingly, but after a moment, he brought it with him to the small chair that sat before Hugh’s desk. He sat down, taking a sip and then looking up toward the Duke again.

“My closest friend is hosting a wedding reception for his charge at the estate. The same Dowager that he has spoken of so fervently before, and I assumed that he might require an ear. I have known you for too long, Hugh. You cannot hide your distress from me.”

Hugh’s shoulders slumped as he forced himself to take in another gulp of whiskey.

He didn’t meet Jonah’s eyes, staring at the floorboards beneath his feet.

After a time, he let out a long breath and took a seat on the edge of his desk in front of Jonah.

When he glanced at his friend again, that knowing look still graced his face, and Hugh rolled his eyes despite himself.

“There is nothing to be done for it, Jonah. I see little reason to discuss this now. Unless, of course, hearing of my misery brings you immense joy.”

Jonah scoffed, finishing a sip of his whiskey which he then set down on the floor near the leg of his chair. Meeting Hugh’s stare firmly, Jonah leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“It does not, old friend.” Reaching out to pat Hugh’s arm, Jonah offered a sympathetic grin. “Go on then. Tell me what vexes you so.”

Discomfort filled Hugh to the brim. He didn’t know how to discuss all this, having never been particularly good at expressing his emotions or anything else for that matter. Pinching the bridge of his nose, Hugh dropped his head, racking his mind for what to say.

“I have ruined something that had the potential to be quite nice, Jonah. I have destroyed another avenue of happiness presented to me because I am a damned fool.”

A subtle laugh left his friend, and Hugh glared over at him. Still, Jonah did know him exceedingly well, and they were both aware of Hugh’s penchant for being a touch dramatic when he was unhappy with something.

“Destroyed your happiness, eh? So, it is a typical case of woe for the reluctant Duke.”

Hugh shoved Jonah’s hand off his arm when his friend attempted to pat him once again.

“I should have the butler throw you out on your arse.” But laughter rumbled through both of them, and Hugh drained more of his whiskey, seeking the numb comfort of the drink. “Yes, all right. This is an unfortunately common issue of mine. I admit it.”

“You get in your own way quite a bit, Hugh. A fact I have pointed out to you numerous times.” Jonah grinned, cocking his head at the Duke. “What is so much worse now that there isn’t a way to correct the misstep?”

The ache behind Hugh’s ribs burned hotter. It did every time he allowed himself to think of Selina and what happened between them.

“If I tell you this, I must have your word that nothing exchanged between us will leave this room.”

Jonah’s expression sobered, and he nodded. “Of course, Hugh. I’m not looking to jeopardize your new reputation. You have my word.”

Offering a single nod, Hugh clenched his jaw, searching within himself for the words. When they came out, he could not stop the bluntness of them or the way each one fell out of his lips quicker than the last.

“I have fallen for Selina. It was not intended or wise, but it was as inescapable as the need for air. Pushing her away by demanding the marriage was supposed to spare her from the damage of being under my care. Still, it has done nothing to stop me from craving her, tasting her…”

The room was quiet as Jonah let Hugh continue. “She does something to me that I do not understand. I have tried, Jonah, truly I have tried to keep myself from her, but I fear that we are both helpless against the pull that drives us together.”

“Hugh,” Jonah began, his tone solemn and worried, “if you are infatuated with the Dowager, you must understand that it cannot be so. You are?—”

“It is not a simple infatuation, Jonah. That would be one thing. But this stretches beyond the need to claim her. Even after having gotten a taste, I am desperate for more. More conversations with her, more glances and arguments, and teases. I wish to be around her at all times, to see her as the sun breaks the horizon, and wish it a fond farewell each night with her by my side. The mere thought of seeing her marriage to that oaf makes my blood boil. I am losing my mind.”

When Hugh looked back at his friend, finding himself in the middle of pacing through his office completely unaware of it, Jonah’s eyes were wide as saucers. He was silent a moment then stood up, meeting Hugh in the center of the study, the floorboard creaking under his feet.

“You are in love with her.” Jonah was so quiet, the words a breathless whisper, and it was something else to have someone point it out to Hugh. He was aware of the strength of his feelings, but he hadn’t called them by name. There was no denying the validity of Jonah’s statement, however.

“It looks that way, doesn’t it?” Hugh shrugged one shoulder, scoffing at the utter ridiculousness of his lot in life.

Jonah gripped Hugh’s shoulders. “And how does she feel about all this?”

“I am uncertain. Though there has been reciprocated action. Selina has admitted that she finds it nearly impossible to stay away from me as well. I would like to think that she feels similarly, but we have never discussed it.”

“Hugh,” Jonah shook his head, “there is your first problem. Trust me, everything proceeds more smoothly when there is open communication between parties.”

“This isn’t a case, Jonah.” Hugh rolled his eyes, shaking his head as his friend reduced the situation with Selina to a mere miscommunication.

“Every relationship is like a case. It is give and take, back and forth, and communication is the key to ensure you both walk away from the encounter satisfied. Or in your case, remain in the arrangement satisfied.”

It was impossible not to laugh at Jonah’s dissection of the issue. He certainly had a point. It was very likely that if Selina and he had discussed their feelings, they would not have been two days away from her marrying someone else.

“Why have you not asked to marry her if you feel so strongly?”

And that was the crux of the issue. He should have.

Hugh knew that anyone else in his position would have.

Marrying Selina was an impossible dream, however.

He was terrible for her, and he knew that down to his marrow.

Even still, the words had almost slipped from his mouth when she’d asked him for another solution to her problems.

He had been so close.

Another heavy sigh left Hugh, and he polished off the rest of his whiskey, heading to the bottle once more to pour himself a fresh glass.

“I could not do that to her. I would tarnish her reputation and put her and her family at risk. I know the talk that surrounds me, and I will not drag Selina down into the muck alongside me.”

“You seek to protect her.” Jonah’s tone softened now, and Hugh nodded. “Your aim is to ensure her life remains well-off and to keep her safe from the reputation of your own making. You are putting her needs in front of your own.”

Hugh had not considered that much before, but it was true, so he just nodded again, his back to Jonah as he sipped more of the potent whiskey. After a moment, Hugh felt Jonah’s hand land on his shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“I have never seen you do that before, Hugh. It is clear that you do love her.” Jonah reached for the bottle of whiskey, pouring more into Hugh’s glass. “You’re going to need more of this.”

A ghost of a chuckle left him, and Hugh raised his glass in a mock toast.

“To the new Hugh, may he learn from his folly with minimal pain.”