Page 26 of Her Wolf of a Duke (Dukes & Beasts #1)
CHAPTER 26
L evi had thought that there was an understanding between himself and his wife, but it appeared that he was wrong.
He never would have thought that Emma could think so little of him that she would expect him to frequent brothels as a married man. He thought he had shown himself to be a good husband, one that was good to his wife at least, and he wondered just what he had done to make her not see him in that light.
He realized, as the carriage arrived at Leonard’s house, that it might have been because he ran at every opportunity. It hadn’t been his plan to leave, but when Emma had accused him the way she did, he did not know what else to do but take time away. He knocked on the door, the butler welcoming him in without question, and then he went straight to Leonard’s study.
“No,” Leonard said the moment he saw him.
“Leonard, please, I–”
“Go home, Levi. I can see that something has happened, and I cannot keep supplying you with alcohol each time you are unhappy. It is not fair to your wife.”
“My wife pushed me to come here. You do not understand.”
Leonard tipped his head back and sighed. “You may stay for an hour and no more.”
Levi nodded gratefully, entering the study and taking a seat. He did not say a word, as he had no real intention of telling his friend about what had happened, but Leonard was already eyeing him carefully.
“So you say your wife sent you here,” he said in a measured tone. “Are you going to tell me what you did to deserve that?”
“Must I have done something to warrant it?”
“Yes. She wouldn’t have been able to remove you from your own home if not.”
“She… she accused me of frequenting clubs and brothels, which I do not.”
Leonard chuckled at that, looking him in the eye with amazement.
“And so you have decided to prove her wrong by leaving her at home at night? What are you hoping that she thinks of you because of this?”
“I didn’t think about that. I simply wanted to be away for a while. She will think less of me because of it, but I couldn’t stand another moment beneath the same roof. I'm trying to be a good husband, but how can I do that when she is always asking more of me? I went to the ball, I am trying to mend things with my mother, and now she is asking for children.”
“Is that such an awful thing to want as a wife? Levi, she knows that you are trying, but what good are you when you cannot simply discuss issues when they first arise? Must you force her for the rest of her life to wait for you to run away and then come home?”
Levi looked at his friend for a moment and wondered why he had never realized such a thing on his own. He had always admired her spirit, but the very thing he had fallen for had been the same reason he had to pull away. He did not want to cause her any pain.
He couldn’t do that to the lady he loved.
He had thought it best that he kept his distance so that he could not destroy her, but the more he thought about it the more he knew that that had never truly been his motive. He had been a coward, running away instead of facing his problems, and he could never be a good husband if he did that. Could he, he thought, ever forgive himself if he continued to run?
“She is sitting there right now,” Leonard continued, “wondering where you are and what you are doing, when she could be sitting with you and having a real discussion. You both could have been done with all of this, but now…”
“Now I have made her wait. I am such a bad husband.”
“You have things to change, but you are not a bad husband at all. Your father was a bad husband. You are not like that, you simply have to find ways to be better.”
Levi nodded, leaving for the door.
“You are yet to finish your hour,” Leonard reminded him.
“I do not need it, it appears.”
Leonard chuckled, showing him to the door.
“The bachelor life never was for you,” Leonard noted as they said their goodbyes. “I am pleased that you at last can leave your game of pretend behind.”
Levi wanted to believe that he had never been pretending, but he knew that he couldn’t lie to himself. He had never been interested in spending all of his time alone, or visiting brothels, or flirting with ladies without thinking ahead. He had always been a natural flirt, but it hadn’t been very entertaining for him, more a way of keeping the young ladies away, dragged from him by their mothers who did not wish to be brought into scandal. That was, until he met his wife. She had been fun to flirt with and to fluster, and though he never thought about that at the time he knew it was because he enjoyed spending time with her.
He went home straight away.
Emma was in the drawing room, not looking at anything in particular. It was as though she had fallen asleep with her eyes open, which unsettled him a great deal. Then, as he looked at her more closely, he couldn’t help but think about how beautiful she was. His perfect wife, that he had left because he didn’t know what to say to her.
He wondered what she was thinking. She could not be blamed if she was sitting in silence, making her plans to leave and live elsewhere; as a duke he owned many estates and she was able to live in any one of them. If she so chose, she could leave that very night and it would be entirely his own fault. He hated the thought of it, and he knew in that moment that he would do everything in his power to stop that.
And so, silently, he sat beside her. To his surprise, she leaned into his shoulder and sighed deeply.
“I must apologize,” he said softly, but she only hushed him in response.
“It is quite alright.”
“No, it isn’t. I want to apologize for how I have been. I have not been the husband that you deserve, and I am trying, you must understand that I am trying, but it is so difficult. I never planned to marry. I never thought that I would have to learn any of this.”
“I know,” she said gently. “I know this isn't what you planned and that it is an adjustment, but all I ask is that when something like this happens, we talk about it.”
“I would like that too. I promise to never leave you like that again.”
“Good. Now, if it is all the same to you, I should like to talk about what we were discussing. I would only like to say that I understand why you are afraid, and that I will not push the matter anymore. Should you ever change your mind, tell me, but other than that there is no need. I may never know how it felt, but I can understand that it was awful for you. If this is how you want it to be, then so be it.”
Levi nodded, not wanting such an ugly conversation to continue when he was in such a vulnerable state, but he planned to discuss it later. His childhood had been awful, and the curse paralyzed him with the fear that he could force that same fate upon someone else, but he wanted Emma to at least understand the full extent of that. That time would come eventually, but it would have to wait.
He shook his head, trying to think properly. He had been making everything wait, he thought to himself, and it had made everything worse. If he had something to say, he had to tell his wife. There could be no more waiting and hoping that the problem disappeared.
“I want you to know,” he said suddenly, “that none of this was deliberate. I would never want to hurt you.”
“I know. You might not be the best with all of this, but for the most part I can see that you are trying.”
“I am. What makes it difficult is that I never had someone to watch, to learn from. A father— a father is supposed to be a pillar of strength, someone that can be relied on and seen as the best man to be. I could not do what most sons do. I watched him and in my mind I made a list of all the ways I refused to be.”
“I know how you feel,” she smiled softly. “As I lost my mother when I was young, I had to teach myself how to be a lady.”
“Did you not have a governess?”
She shook her head and laughed faintly.
“Father claimed it would be a waste when he could make an arrangement with a friend. If we were silent, he said, that would be enough for them. Perhaps that is why my sister and I could never be quiet. We were hoping that we would not be thrown to one of our father’s terrible acquaintances.”
“Is that why your sister’s predicament frightens you?”
She nodded, sighing as she closed her eyes and tilted her head back.
“She has always dreamed of a love match, and I had promised to find her one. I hoped that she would find one before my deal with our father came to an end. I still had time, more than a year, before my father should have stepped in, but he was too impatient. This is why I hope she finds love with Lord Rosendale. Of course, of the two suitors, he is undoubtedly the best for her, but if she does not marry for love then I will have failed her.”
Levi shook his head firmly at that.
“You haven’t failed her, no matter what happens. You are the best sort of sister. You put your own life to one side to help her, even if it led to you thinking you would never marry. I know that you wanted a married life, and you were willing to put that aside just so that your sister could have the best possible match. If your sister doesn’t find love, that is not your fault. It wouldn’t be anyone’s fault, except perhaps your father’s.”
She seemed to reluctantly agree with him, and that was enough.
“Fathers,” she sighed, looking at the ceiling with a watery chuckle. “I can see why you dread the thought of being one. Fathers are cruel and mothers are absent. Perhaps that is the real curse?”
“Emma, I know we need to talk about this.”
“We do, but not tonight. I have been enjoying my time with you, and I like to think that you are of the same mind. Perhaps, tonight, after all that has happened it might be best that we do something that we enjoy?”
“And what might that be?”
“We could go on another treasure hunt. I certainly enjoyed the other one.”
“Oh, did you now?” he teased, remembering the flushed look on her face, as though she had wanted to kiss him.
“I did, although it might take too long to create. Another time, perhaps?”
He nodded, and then his face fell. All he could think about was what he had done, and the guilt and shame he felt as a consequence. She could have been so much more than an unloved duchess.
Except she wasn’t unloved, not really. He had been falling for her all along, which he supposed was even worse as nothing could ever come of that. He couldn’t love her, not if he would only hurt her eventually. It had always been better to keep the walls around him piled high, so that she couldn’t break them down and hurt herself. It had been for her sake, he protested, and never his own. It would have been selfish if it had been for himself.
Except he knew better, and that at least a small part of him had been thinking of what had been best for him. It was all he had ever thought of since becoming duke. Caring for his mother as a boy had never gotten him anywhere, after all.
“Do you think I am selfish?” he asked suddenly.
“No, I don’t. If you were, you wouldn’t have married a spinster simply to save face. You would have known that your reputation would recover, as those of men always do, and left me with my father. You wouldn’t have tried so hard to forget what your mother did to you, either. I can see it, you know. Your mother does too, and I can tell that it makes her feel dreadful.”
“I don’t want her to feel that way anymore.”
“Then there is your answer. You, Levi, are not a selfish man.”
“But one day I might be. I do not know how long it will take, but it is as though this curse is chasing me, and one day I won’t run fast enough and it will catch me and— and you will hate me for the person I become.”
Emma looked into his eyes, and he sat up beside her. She took his face gently in her hands, smiling kindly at him.
“How much life do you suppose you have missed by being so afraid that you’ll eventually be cruel?”
“A good amount,” he confessed. “Especially now.”
“Well then, how much more of your life are you willing to lose?”
A silence fell between them as he thought about what she had said. If he had been right all along, and one day he woke up and was this awful and evil thing that he saw his future self as, would he regret having lost so much good? Would he wish he had at least enjoyed life while he could?
And what if he had been wrong? Could he afford to sit and wait for a day that never came? His head began to ache with all of the questions that he was asking himself, but when he looked down at his wife everything settled again. She brought him peace, even if she also brought him a great deal of stress too, at times.
She was close to him, agonizingly close, and as he admired her he noticed how her lips were parted ever so slightly, and they drew him in. He wanted desperately to kiss her. Did she want the same? He did not wish to ruin the moment, the quiet stillness of them sitting alone together in the drawing room.
“It is quite late,” she whispered. “I believe we should retire to bed soon.”
“We should,” he replied, “but I do not wish to stand.”
She laughed softly, placing her head on his chest with a soft sigh of relaxation. Levi stretched across the settee, pulling her onto him and listening to her as she fell asleep. Not wanting to awaken her, he closed his eyes and felt himself fall asleep with her.
It was morning when they awoke, her head still pressed into him. Levi hardly noticed the butler entering with a letter, which had been addressed to Emma, in a strangely scratched form.
“Emma?” he said gently, nudging her awake. “It is for you.”