Page 19 of Her Wolf of a Duke (Dukes & Beasts #1)
CHAPTER 19
L evi felt evil for what he had done, but he couldn’t think of any other way to fix things.
He hadn’t known what to do when they were seen on the veranda, as in all honesty there was nothing to be done. They had risked everything, and in the moment it had been a wonderful thing but it had come back to bite them, and now…
Now he would be a husband, and she would be forced to be his wife. He had never wanted to marry, but he knew his duty. In terms of possible wives, she was the least objectionable, but that only made it worse. It was because she was so lovely that he dreaded forcing her into such an arrangement. She had deserved so much more, and he would never amount to that. It was easier for him to keep away, and to give her the chance to find happiness elsewhere.
He suggested as much to Leonard, as they drank in Levi’s parlor room the evening before the wedding.
“If you do that,” Leonard sighed, “then you are an even greater fool than most.”
“It is not foolish to want her happiness, which she will never find with me. I do not know what else to do. I am already doing what is right and marrying her. What more can I do?”
“I know, but you are only doing this to yourself. Nobody forced you to follow her out of the ballroom, and nobody forced you to kiss her. Clearly, you hold some affection for her, so why don’t you simply act on it?”
“You know why. After what happened with my father, I cannot allow myself to risk that same life. I cannot become him.”
“And you wouldn’t, but there seems to be no point in telling me that. You refuse to believe me whatever I say.”
“You do not know that. My father was young once, too. He enjoyed socializing as I do and he smiled and flirted and enjoyed himself. It was marriage that made him the way that he was.”
“No, he had always been that way,” Leonard explained. “It was simply the fact that he could hide it behind closed doors that made him feel comfortable showing that side of him. You are not like that, Levi. Stop treating yourself as though you are. It isn’t fair to Miss Kendall.”
“Nor is it fair to her that she will inevitably have to meet my mother.”
“Oh, God, are you truly going to do that? Couldn’t you just move your mother into lodgings of her own? You could send a few servants with her.”
“No, it is only right that I keep her with me. If I didn’t that would only mean visiting her often, which is a choice that I do not wish to make often. Besides, she might like my wife, and if that is the case then all will be well.”
“And if she does not?”
“Then other arrangements will be made,” Levi shrugged, finishing his drink. “Now, might you like to tell me when you plan to marry, or will we only discuss my antics as usual?”
“When I do something noteworthy, you are more than welcome to talk to me about them. Until then, I shall discuss the man that declared that he would be a bachelor until the day he died only to marry the first lady that caught his eye.”
“Very well,” he sighed. “I await that day with bated breath.”
Leonard smirked, leaving soon after. It would be a long day, and Levi knew perfectly well that he would need his rest, but he had realized something very important that he had forgotten during his conversation.
He was yet to tell his mother about his wedding.
He hadn’t been able to bring himself to speak to her. She was cruel when she was well, and vague and distractible when her illness plagued her, and in neither case did he wish to visit. However, he had to tell her before he brought Emma home. He had to give her some warning.
He left for his mother’s wing of the house. She was welcome to roam the household as she pleased, but she avoided him where possible and he was perfectly happy with such an arrangement. He found her in what she had deemed her drawing room, sipping tea on a settee.
“Mother,” he said gently, “might we talk?”
“If you insist,” she sighed, not quite looking at him.
“I have something to tell you.” He sighed, some lost little part of him still yearning for her acceptance. “I do not believe you will like it.”
“I hardly ever like what you have to say, so go on. Tell me what you must.”
“I am to marry tomorrow.”
She looked as though she might drop her teacup. She eyed him carefully—for once with no anger in her face, only shock.
“Tomorrow?”
“Yes. It is my fault entirely that you have not known, but it was a quick arrangement and I have been otherwise occupied.”
“A short engagement,” she nodded. “So you were untoward with some girl and you were seen?”
“Indeed. It is not what I wanted, but it is what is happening. She will be with me tomorrow after the ceremony, and you may meet her the following day.”
“And why can I not be present at your wedding? Am I not worthy?”
Levi faltered, and began to pace a little to help himself think. She had never been at all interested in what he was doing, and so he hadn’t thought for a moment that she would want to be there, but now that he was thinking about it he couldn’t help but wonder what her motives were.
“I hadn’t thought that it would be of any interest to you.”
“Seeing my only child marry? I can hardly think of anything that could be more important to a mother.”
“Well, you may attend if you wish. There will be a lot of guests present, but if you want to be there then we can have it arranged.”
“Good. I shall be ready.”
“Do you… do you not mind?”
“Why would I? It doesn’t matter what you said to your father, I always knew you would find a wife eventually. You were never strong enough to keep to your oath.”
Levi laughed, in spite of everything. He wondered how he had even a shred of kindness in him when his parents had seen anything but unkindness as weak.
“I shall see you tomorrow, Mother.”
“What is her name? I would hate to meet her and not know.”
“It is Emma, Mother. Emma Kendall.”
She nodded, and he left again. It had been one of their longer conversations, and that had been his choice. It was easier to keep their discussions short, else it would turn to the same thing he had heard all of his life. He was pestering her, and she would have had an easier life without him. He wondered if, once upon a time, she was a kind young lady that had a lot of love to give, but he couldn’t imagine her that way.
He couldn’t sleep that night. Each time he tried, he thought of Emma, and how he was going to cause her life to be completely miserable.
When he did fall asleep, the nightmares began. He was running in a forest, and Emma was chasing after him, calling his name while he ignored her and continued running. He was raising his voice at her, telling her to find more than him, but as he did so she fell. She did not get back up.
Eventually, morning came and he dragged himself from his bed, dressing himself at the last minute. He did not break his fast, for he did not feel capable of eating a thing. He boarded his carriage, unable to think of anything at all.
He waited at the altar, his heart pounding. He hoped that she would change her mind, and that she wouldn’t come at all, but then the guests rose from their seats and she entered the church. She was beautiful, and in spite of it all she was smiling. Her hand was on her father’s arm, and though there were no traces of pride or happiness, nor any of the other feelings one might expect from a man giving away his daughter, he seemed less bitter than usual.
Levi tried to see that as something good.
The ceremony passed, the guilt thick in his throat as he recited vows that he wouldn’t be keeping. He would not honor and cherish her. He would do his best by her, but he could not truthfully vow to always love her when he knew that he never would. Emma knew that too, and she looked at him sadly throughout it. He wondered who else in attendance would know how much of a farce it all was, but then he remembered the circumstances under which they were marrying, and he decided that most people knew.
“There,” she whispered to him when the ceremony had finished. “That wasn’t as bad as I had expected.”
He wondered just how bad she had expected it to be, but he thought better than to ask then and there. The wedding breakfast was beautiful, but again he could not eat anything. All that he truly wished to do was avoid his wife, but that was not easy when they had to greet their guests and thank them for attending. Emma looked at him a few times, as though she wished to say something, but she didn’t. At last, Miss Godwin arrived and Emma was distracted.
“Oh, Emma, this is all so beautiful,” she said. “I can only hope that my own wedding is half as lovely as this one day.”
“It will be. With any luck, you shall have longer to arrange things than we did.”
“I never would have guessed you had such little time, had I not been at the ball. Truly, it is perfect.”
“Then perhaps the Duke and I can help you with your preparations?” she offered lightly. “You know, you would not even need me. The Duke did practically all of this himself.”
“Did he?” Miss Godwin asked before turning to him. “Your Grace, you certainly have an eye for these things!”
“Thank you, Miss Godwin. You are welcome to visit us anytime, should you wish to see our home. I will be decorating it again soon, and if you care about that sort of thing you may be of help.”
“It would be an honor!”
She left, and Emma sighed, almost leaning into him as she was standing so close.
“It will be nice,” she said gently, “to return to our home. There is something so special about it being ours, don’t you think?”
“It shall be yours, more than anything,” he replied, and she looked at him as though he had drawn his pistol.
“What do you mean?”
“Because the home shall be yours to manage,” he replied quickly, not wanting to discuss the matter in front of their guests.
In any case, his response pleased her and she settled. He could see his mother sitting alone, and he wondered why she had asked to join them at all. She had not looked happy during the ceremony, and she still looked the very picture of melancholy sitting there. It was a miserable life, he thought, but that was partly of her own accord. She could have found joy for herself after his father passed, he thought, but she simply stayed in her wing, unwilling to do anything else.
“Is that your mother?” Emma asked, following his line of vision.
“Indeed. You and I must discuss her later.”
“If it is about her living with us, there is no need. I like that she will be there.”
He wondered if her mind was filled with dreams of having a mother figure again, and he ached that he would have to tell her that his mother had little interest in being perceived as a mother. He had to tell her, however; it was far better for him to do so than for his mother to take it on herself. He could at least tell her nicely.
“She tends to keep to herself, that is all.”
He decided that he could explain the rest of it some other time.
“Very well, she can continue to enjoy her own space. Truly, I do not mind at all.”
“You are being very agreeable. You may tell me if you are displeased by something.”
“I know, and I will should the opportunity arrive.”
He called her agreeable, but he knew the truth. She was being complacent. She had not been angry with him for anything, not for ruining her, nor for telling her that he wished to spend little time with her, nor for any other disappointment that he had given her. It should have made him happy, but instead all it did was make the guilt even worse.
The day passed by, and Levi tried to hide away on the sidelines. It was an unsuccessful endeavor, given that he was the groom, but thankfully his new wife proved to be the more popular one. One smiling guest after another thanked her for the beautiful day, and each time she curtseyed and thanked them for attending. She was smiling by then, a real smile, and he ached to see it. She had accepted her fate, and was trying to see the good in it. She was certainly doing far better with it than he was.
“Well, Your Grace,” Miss Penton said, appearing beside him, “I hadn’t expected it, but it would appear that you kept your word. I should thank you for that.”
She was speaking to him with what he imagined was her form of kindness.
“There is no need to thank me. I am only doing what is expected of me.”
“Perhaps, but there are plenty of gentlemen that would not have seen this as their burden to bear. You did, and regardless of how I feel about you, I can accept that you have done what was necessary.”
“And what do you feel about me, exactly?”
“Do you wish for me to tell you the truth, or would you prefer the response of a polite wedding guest?”
“The truth.”
“I do not think you are good enough for my friend,” she replied bluntly. “I knew that she would one day marry, but I had always expected it to be a gentleman that was exceptionally loving, someone that could make her see the world differently. You see things even more drearily than she does, and I do not think that is fair at all.”
“Have you told her this?”
“No, and I do not believe that I ever will. She seems happy, and if she is happy then so am I. You have kept to the promise you made her sister, and as long as that continues I see no need to hate you.”
She did not tell him what would happen if he broke his word. She did not need to, and Levi wondered if she was only saying such things because she knew what he was doing, and was giving him a word of warning. She smiled politely at him and walked away, not telling him anything more.
They left for Lupton Manor soon after. He had hoped that their party wouldn’t end, as that would mean they did not have to board a carriage alone together and travel as a pair, but of course the time came and before he knew it his carriage was rumbling along and he was sitting beside a beautiful lady that just so happened to be his wife.
The wife he did not want.
“That was a perfectly lovely day,” she said softly. “Thank you for all that you did to prepare for it.”
“It is nothing, truly. It gave me something to do with my day. I actually enjoyed it far more than I had expected.”
“Then I shall charge you with the redecoration of the household. I do not believe that I will be of any use to you, although Dorothy seemed quite interested in it all.”
“I meant what I said. You may invite your friends to stay whenever you please. I would rather you had company that you enjoyed than my mother.”
“I am certain that your mother will warm to me in time,” she laughed softly. “Besides, you will be there. It is not as though I will be without friends.”
There would be no better time, he realized, to tell her the truth about what he expected.
“You see, Emma,” he began, the words paining him to say, “I meant what I told you earlier. My mother is likely to be a friend to anyone. She will not like you, for she does not like anyone. As for myself, I will be with you for a reasonable time for a honeymoon, and then I will be returning to London.”
He dared to look at her face, and in an instant he wished that he hadn’t. She looked empty, which was even worse than anger or misery. He hadn’t wanted her to feel any of those things, but at least anger was something that passed in time.
“Very well,” she replied, trying to fix her smile once again. “I shall at least have our children, in time, to keep me company.”
“Emma, we will not be having children.”
“Why not?”
“Because I do not want to have any. I have never wanted children.”
“Very well,” she replied, staring straight ahead of her even though there was nothing to look at there.
“I do not mean to be difficult.”
“No, of course not. I understand, Your Grace.”
“We do not need these formalities anymore.”
“Do we not?” she asked. “I thought our given names were reserved for those we considered friends, and if you want nothing more than to keep me at arm’s length, as you do your mother, then that is not something that can be considered friendship.”
He opened his mouth to argue, but no sound came out. She was right, after all, and she was giving him exactly what he wanted. That was what frustrated him more than anything; part of him wanted her to argue, and to be that same lady that openly chastised him at any opportunity. This lady sitting beside him was not the same one that he met, that he kissed, and he couldn’t help but want her back.