Page 25 of Her Wolf of a Duke (Dukes & Beasts #1)
CHAPTER 25
E mma felt that her marriage was, while not perfect, improving quickly.
They had settled into a nice routine, taking their breakfast together and then passing their days however they wished. It felt good to be afforded her freedom, and though she would have preferred a loving and doting husband, she had plenty to be thankful for.
They were having breakfast a week after the ball, a week after she had asked him not to flirt with ladies in front of her and he had agreed easily to it, and it had been something he had kept to, not leaving the household at all since then.
“Are you certain that you do not mind my going to see Dorothy this morning?” she asked, taking a pastry from the table.
“Why would I? You are free to do as you please. I have always told you that.”
“I know, but you have not been anywhere this week and it feels unfair for me to leave.”
“I have been here because I wanted to be, and because frankly I had nothing to do elsewhere. If your friend needs you, you must go.”
Emma nodded gratefully. She had not planned to divulge the contents of Dorothy’s letter to him, but she had to tell someone. According to her explanation, her parents had been unimpressed with how she had been acting, and that she was not taking the marriage mart seriously, and so they had done what was necessary.
Emma’s heart broke for her friend.
She left soon after they had eaten, and she wrung her hands together throughout her journey there. She knew, of course, how it felt to be forced into a marriage that she did not want, but at least she knew Levi before they married. Dorothy was clueless as to who her husband was, and she would not know until nearer the wedding day, which thankfully would not be for a while.
When she arrived, both Beatrice and Cecilia were already there, and tending to Dorothy as though she were an injured bird. In response, Dorothy was gently batting them away, though she seemed grateful.
“How are you feeling?” Emma asked, “It is a foolish question, I know, but I do not wish to assume that you are upset about any of this. You were never too fond of all of thethings we ladies must do to make a match, after all.”
“That is true,” she laughed softly. “You are right to ask, as in all honesty I cannot say that I am upset completely. It would be nice to know my betrothed, but I will do so in time.”
“Do you know why they are hiding his identity from you?” Beatrice asked. “I do not mean to cause you any alarm, of course, but it is something to consider.”
“I have been wondering, but I think it is best that I trust them. My mother and father want the best for me, and so I know that they would not do anything that would truly cause me harm.”
“It is still quite bizarre,” Emma noted. “If they had found a good match for you, you would think they would be only too happy to tell you who he was.”
“I am considering it my punishment for what I did.”
All eyes turned to her. Dorothy had never dared to do anything improper. Emma was quite certain that she had been born with perfect etiquette and enough politeness to counteract Cecilia’s lack thereof. She couldn’t have done anything warranting punishment, especially not of this magnitude.
“What did you do?” Emma asked, and Dorothy giggled lightly.
“Do you remember that young man that asked Cecilia to dance with him?”
“I certainly do,” Cecilia huffed, her arms folded. “He was so very insistent.”
“And you recall the gentleman I danced with?”
The three ladies nodded in unison.
“Well, I had enjoyed our dance well enough. It was my first time on the dancefloor, and he was quite good at it too. I had truly thought it a nice time, but then when I returned home my father asked to speak with me. It appears that I have made a grave mistake, and danced with a commoner.”
Emma felt her mouth fall open, and she closed it before she could say anything too quickly.
“How did a commoner gain entry to the ball?” Beatrice asked. “He would not have had an invitation.”
“Well, if you can believe it, it was all a plot with the gentleman that asked to dance with Cecilia! They had befriended one another, and the commoner wanted to know what it was like to attend such parties, and so his friend forged an invitation for him.”
Cecilia, at least, found that quite entertaining.
“While they were there,” Dorothy continued, “they decided to place a wager on which of the four of us would be most willing to dance with them.”
At last, Dorothy seemed to enjoy the situation less. She had been describing the antics as if she was almost impressed, but suddenly she did not appear so inclined. She withdrew into herself, her smile fading.
“What is it, Dorothy?” Emma asked.
“According to gossip,” Dorothy said in a stilted voice, “the gentleman that had chosen Cecilia had done so because she was a spinster, and therefore desperate. That was, also, why he had been so persistent.”
Cecilia only laughed.
“Then he made a fatal error, as I have very little interest in a man that is not yet twenty. He could hardly have been called a man at all, if you ask me, more a boy.”
They agreed completely with that, especially given that his actions had only proven Cecilia’s beliefs.
“But,” Dorothy continued, “the man that danced with me had taken a different approach. He said that the round one in the bright orange would be the one that was truly desperate for the attention of a gentleman, evena lowly commoner. A lady had heard those words exactly.”
Her lip trembled at the comment. Dorothy had always seen herself as the least beautiful in the group, sometimes going so far as to say that she was the ugliest lady in the ton , but Emma did not know why she saw herself that way. Emma had always thought that she was beautiful, and that her kindness shone through her and made her radiant. She did not deserve to have heard such a dreadful thing said about her.
“Oh, Dorothy,” Emma sighed, “you mustn’t listen to gossip. It doesn’t mean anything.”
“But it does. I know what the ton thinks of me. I am plain and uninteresting, which is precisely why I was so excited to see that a gentleman could show interest in me. I had felt so pretty for the first time in my life. I know it is selfish, but when he looked past Cecilia and Beatrice and came straight to me I thought it meant something. All it meant, though, was that I so clearly do not have any options. In that respect, I suppose that I should be grateful for the arrangement that has been made.”
“You do not need to be grateful,” Cecilia argued. “You must never see yourself as unworthy, especially when you would make a wonderful wife and mother.”
“Motherhood will be nice,” Dorothy nodded, her soft smile returning. “I know that we see ourselves as more than mere wives, but now that it what I will soon be, I must say that there will be good in it. I have always wanted to be a mother, and now I can be.”
Emma hoped, as she tried to ignore the ache in her chest, that Dorothy’s husband would want children. After all, she had not been so lucky and it pained her to think about. She would never know what it was to hear the rush of feet coming to her, to then be faced with smaller versions of herself, or to hear a child laugh and find glimpses of her own in it.
She hoped that Dorothy, in spite of her own situation, would.
Emma returned home that evening with a quiet upset in her stomach. She did not want to discuss the matter of children with her husband again. She could face the knowledge that she would never have them, but she at least wanted to know why. As she entered the dining room, however, and saw him waiting for her at the table, she couldn’t help but sit beside him in silence. He was trying, and she wanted to be grateful for that and nothing else.
“How is your friend?” he asked.
“She is well, all things considered. She does not know who she is to marry, but there are… some good things too. Things that will make her marriage worthwhile, she hopes.”
“And what might those be? I for one cannot feel anything but pity for her.”
“Well, you see, she has never liked the marriage mart. She has never enjoyed any of it, especially all of the talking and flirting and having to be the most notable person in the room. She prefers to go unnoticed, and she has always said that she will not fare well with her match but that she did not mind that too much. At least, now that she is to be married, she shall be done with all of that.”
“Is that how you felt? I know that you were never a wallflower, that much is easy to see, but were you pleased to be married regardless?”
“In a sense, I suppose so. I had hoped to at least see Sarah married before I was, if that ever happened at all, but with how some matches turn out to be I must admit that I am pleased that we are the way that we are.”
“As am I. I must thank you, Emma. I know that this has been difficult for us both, what with the circumstances around our match, and my mother, and my expectations, but you have taken to it so well. I admire you for that.”
He truly was being good to her, as best as he could, which made Emma feel emboldened to ask for more. He was right; she had made sacrifices for him, and she hoped that he would be willing to do the same.
“Thank you, Levi,” she said carefully. “I will say, though, that my time with Dorothy today has made me realize something, and I wish to discuss it with you.”
He stopped eating for a moment and looked at her expectantly. Emma took a breath, unsure of how to say it.
“When Dorothy was talking about the life she was now expecting, she mentioned that it would be easier when she had children, and I was wondering–”
“No.”
Emma froze, looking at him. He had been trying, and she had thought they were in a better place than before, and she had thought that because of that he might listen to her. That did not, however, seem to be the case.
“Levi, this must be a conversation, not you telling me something and me simply agreeing. That is not how marriages work.”
“It is how this one does. I gave you my terms before our wedding, and you had the choice to not go through with it.”
“It was hardly a choice. You know I did what I had to do.”
“Did you have to? After all, that Baron was still showing an interest in your sister in spite of the scandal and you knew that. You chose this life, and you cannot expect me to change my mind about something I have wanted for years simply to make you feel more like your friend.”
Emma pushed her plate away, no longer interested in eating, and rose to her feet. She went to walk away, but she turned back at the last second, facing him again with a furious look in her eyes.
“You may conform to what your friends do, but that is not who I am. We all know that your wonderful friend is a rake, and apparently you wish to follow in his footsteps. But you will not claim that I am doing the same. I have always wanted children, but not because it is what is expected of me.”
“Really? Then why do you want them so badly?”
“That is none of your concern, it would seem, as you are unwilling to even talk to me about it being a possibility in the future.”
“Good, then our discussion is done. You feel how you feel, as do I, and there is no changing it.”
“Yes, it would appear so.”
“Now, will you please sit and finish your meal?”
Emma could not believe how uncaring he was about it all, as if he expected to tell her what was happening and in response she would simply accept it and move on. She had never been that way with him, if anything she had been the exact perfect opposite, and she was not going to change simply because he had slipped a ring onto her finger.
“No,” she replied, “and you mustn’t expect a discussion about it, either.”
“You are being ridiculous.”
She snapped, forcing her chair under the table with a force that she had not even known that she was capable of. Even Levi looked at her for a moment in a sort of stunned silence, before leaving his seat and pushing it under in a more controlled manner.
“Do you know what is ridiculous?” she asked, “The fact that you are so willing to put the superstitions about a dead man before the wishes of your living wife. It is not as though I am asking for the world, only for some company while you are away in your gentlemen’s clubs, or your brothels, or wherever it is that you go.”
“Do you honestly believe that I am frequenting brothels? I have been here all week, for a start.”
“Yes, because I was keeping you happy. Now, I am making you angry, so where will you go?”
She was mostly trying to prove a point, but a part of her also wished to test him. She wanted to know what he would do, if given the freedom to do whatever he wanted.
“I will go where I always go,” he nodded, making his way to the door, “and I will leave you to wonder just where that is. You can decide whether you see me as a loyal husband or not.”
He left without another word.