Page 21 of Her Wolf of a Duke (Dukes & Beasts #1)

CHAPTER 21

“ Y ou are a friend, but even friends can outstay their welcome.”

Levi groaned as he opened his eyes, hauling himself up from the ground. Leonard was standing over him, a plate in his hand.

“What time is it?”

“You would be better off asking me for the day,” Leonard joked. “You have been here since your wedding day.”

“Where else could I possibly go?”

“Home, with your wife,” he suggested, and Levi groaned a second time.

“We both know that I cannot do that. It would be wholly unfair to her. She already has my mother to contend with, though she is likely keeping herself hidden away.”

“I believe what you mean to say is that you do not want to contend with any of it, and so you are hiding here.”

“Is that a crime?”

“Perhaps it ought to be. Come, eat this.”

Levi looked at the blackened toast and the fish and wretched. Leonard had a wonderful cook, and so he knew then and there that Leonard had made it himself.

“This is not breakfast.”

“You are correct. Technically, it is lunch. Eat. The charcoal will soak up the alcohol.”

Levi sighed, forcing the food down his throat while Leonard watched him.

“Did you want some?” he offered.

“No, not particularly. I did not overindulge for three straight days, and so it is not necessary.”

“You are exaggerating.”

“Truly, I wish I was.”

When, at last, Levi had finished his lunch, he instinctively searched for his glass. His friend laughed emptily at him.

“I have had it taken away,” he explained. “You do not need any more of that stuff. What you need is to sleep this away, and then speak to your wife,”

“I cannot.”

“I do not care. I can see that you are unhappy, anyone can, but avoiding the one person that you are supposed to care for more than anyone else is not going to help either of you. You need to tell her why you are doing all of this.”

“What good would that do? It will only make her afraid of me, and then we shall be even worse off.”

“Or, she will make you see that you are afraid for no good reason, and that you can be a good husband if you simply try.”

“Why is it that you can be so intelligent and still not understand a word that I say?”

Leonard handed him a glass of water, and the moment the liquid touched his lips he finished it and asked for another. Already, he was feeling the effects of his indulgence subside, and the numbing that it had caused left with it. It pained him to know what he had done, and what he was doing, but it did not persuade him at all to change his mind. She was better off without him, he decided, and that was that.

“I would try to understand,” Leonard explained, “if you were not being so ridiculous. She is not some wounded animal, she is the lady you married. Have you even once considered how she must be feeling about all of this?”

“It is all that I have been thinking about. That is why I came here. I wanted to forget about it all.”

“Well, you cannot. I am your friend, Levi, and as your friend I must tell you that this cannot continue. You will go home to her this evening, and you will tell her about everything.”

Levi sighed, taking a seat. He knew that Leonard was right, and that he would have to face up to it eventually, but he wanted to ignore it, and pretend there was nothing to discuss. He wanted to pretend that there was not a beautiful lady sitting in his home, wondering if he would ever return. I was unfair to her, and he knew that, but it was better than her seeing the man that he would become.

He had doomed Emma to a life with him, and looking her in the eye and telling her as much would only prove that. He wanted to continue the lie, and pretend that he was a normal gentleman, for a little while longer.

However, evening came and Leonard took him to his carriage, sending him home. He considered going to his gentlemen’s club, but even in his clouded judgment he knew that he had to do better. He had to face his wife, even if she would then want to be away from him.

The moment he entered, he heard a soft sob from the parlor room, and his stomach lurched.

His mother had confronted her, he thought, and was saying the most awful things to her just as she had done to him all his life. He had left Emma with his mother, alone, all because he was too selfish to tell her the truth.

He burst into the room, prepared to tell his mother to leave them else he would have to find other living arrangements, only to find Emma alone, sitting on a settee, startled.

“My sincerest apologies,” he said quietly. “I did not mean to intrude.”

“It is quite alright,” she said quickly, fixing herself and looking to the floor.

“Why are you crying?”

“Why do you care?”

He softened at that. In truth, he did not know why, but the sight of her in such sorrow pained him and he wanted to help her. It was another reason why he preferred to be away from her. At least then, he could tell himself that she was happy, and he therefore did not have to feel the ache in his chest that she was hurting.

He wanted to take her elsewhere, hoping that she might then listen to him. He picked her up from the settee, snaking an arm around her waist and holding her in his arms, carrying her out of the room. She squealed at him, her eyes looking around frantically.

“What are you doing?” she asked. “Put me down.”

But he did not respond, instead carrying her all the way to the study and placing her down in an armchair. She looked around the dark room in faint amazement; it was his own personal room, and so he had ensured that it was decorated to his tastes alone, rather than what was considered fashionable.Had she ever seen anything that was truly him, and not the mask he put on for society?

“Stay there,” he instructed, and poured her a whiskey.

He handed it to her, and she smelled it, immediately pulling a face. Her nose wrinkled.

“It helps,” he explained, and she tentatively took a sip.

She coughed immediately, recoiling and putting the glass back down. When Miss Penton had given her brandy, it had been mixed with lemonade and would not have tasted as bad, but he had given her strong alcohol in a purer form and she was evidently not someone that enjoyed that.

He couldn’t help but laugh as she took another drink, but she gave him a furious glare when he did.

“Do not mock me.”

“I am not.”

“Then what are you doing?”

“Enjoying your company. It is how we were before, is it not?”

“It is clearly not how we are now.” She placed her glass on the table with a click.

“Emma, why were you crying?”

“You already know why, and if you do not then you are a fool.”

“Then a fool I am. I want what is best for you. Please tell me how I can do that.”

“You abandoned me!” she snapped. “I understand that you do not like it here, and that you do not love me, but you brought me here and left without another word.”

“I thought that was what you wanted.”

“Why would I want that? Why would I want to be taken somewhere completely unfamiliar to me and left without a single person that I knew there?”

“Because you cannot– you couldn’t bear the sight of me. You did not look at me all throughout our wedding.”

There was a beat, and Emma’s eyes did not leave his.

“Levi, I spent the entire day wanting you to look at me. I wanted you to tell me that you had changed your mind–”

“And that I did not want the match, is that what you wanted?”

“And that you would reconsider what you wanted from our marriage,” she finished. “I waited and waited for it, but it never came. When you left me alone, that was all of the proof I needed that you did not want to be near me.”

“I only keep my distance for your sake. I wish I could tell you just how much I hate the position I have put you in, but it is impossible to understand.”

“I found it rather easy, actually,” she replied coldly.

His blood ran cold. He had never told her anything about his life, with the exception of a few things about his mother, but Emma was giving him a look of knowing. Somehow, she had learned the truth about him, and he was so ashamed by that that he was the first to look away.

“Who told you?”

“Your mother. She explained everything. She believes that one day you will be a terrible husband, one that I will hate. Tell me, Levi, have you ever considered that this curse of yours might simply be a superstition that you are choosing to believe in?”

He had considered. But he did not allow himself to hope. He saw pieces of his father seep into him more and more as time passed. He could see why his mother had always hated him; it was because she always knew what he would become, and she had to prepare for that.

“I did not choose any of this. The circumstances of my birth were out of my control, and now I have to be this way.”

“You do not, but there is no explaining that to someone that wants to think a certain way. If this is what you want, then we have nothing more to say to each other. Enjoy your gentlemen’s clubs, and all that comes with them.”

“Have dinner with me,” he said suddenly. “That would help, would it not?”

“I do not want you to socialize with me out of pity. I eat quite well as I am.”

She stood up to leave, but as she passed him he caught her waist and pulled her back gently, causing her to stumble into his lap. He expected her to stand up again, or to fight him off, but she did not. Instead, she remained where she was, looking into his eyes as if searching for something that was long gone.

“It is not out of pity that I am asking you,” he explained softly. “Emma, I know that I have not been a good husband to you thus far, but at least now you know why.”

“A curse that is not real. Yes.”

He cleared his throat, not moving her.

“My mother never liked me,” he began. “Even when I was a small boy. She would tell me that she never wanted me, and that I was her greatest mistake. It was only when I finally made friends that I learned that mothers were not supposed to treat their children that way.”

Emma said nothing, looking into his eyes. He wondered if somehow she saw his father there.

“I have never been told why she did that to me, but now that we are married I believe I understand. My mother and father were… strange, and in a sense I wonder if she pushed me out to protect me. As a boy, I would always want to take care of her, and so when their disputes were at their worst, I would be the one to stand between them. She told me over and over not to, but I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t care what she felt for me, I had to do what I could. I think she did the same for me, by telling me she did not like me and I should not come near her.”

“Did it– did it ever work, if that was what she had wanted?”

“I suppose so, in a way. Then again, my father died long before I could see any difference.. It was strange to see, you know. He terrified me as a boy, and then one day he suddenly fell ill and passed away within a matter of days. To this day, we do not know what happened. He was a beast, and he was killed by something so simple as an illness. I have never quite understood it. I don’t believe I have ever understood anything about this family. That is why I wanted to keep you away from all of it.”

“Well, it is rather too late for that,” she pointed out. “We are now married, and I am a part of the Hunter family. Now, what are we going to do about that?”

“I do not know, for I had never expected anything like this. I do mean what I said, however. We could start by taking our dinner together.”

At last, she seemed as though she was considering it.

“It would be a start, I suppose.”

“Emma, I cannot be the husband that you dreamed of. It is simply not possible for me. I can say, though, that I can be better, far better, than I am now. I want to try.”

For a moment, he wondered if she might believe him. He hoped that she would, as it was the truth. He wanted to be as good to her as he could, even if it would never be what she deserved. He had done everything to avoid causing her pain, but she had cried regardless, and so it was perhaps better if he simply treated her as any other husband would treat his wife, even if he would never be able to do so correctly.

She remained in his lap, agonizingly close to him, and her weight pressed into him. She was the most beautiful lady that he had ever seen, and she was his wife. He should have felt like the luckiest man in England, but all he could feel was dread that he would one day ruin her even more than he already had.

“Very well,” she said suddenly, standing up. “If you wish to try, then do so.”

“I will. I want this to be easier for you.”

“You should want it for yourself, too. You told me yourself that you only ever do what is right for you, did you not?”

“That was before we were married.”

“Yes, and your behavior has not changed since. It is quite alright, you do not need to give me any grand displays of affection or any declarations. I know what this is, and I am happy with it.”

“But you will come to dinner with me, yes?”

“I will,” she nodded, and he swore he could see a faint smile on her lips. “Goodnight, Your Grace.”

“Goodnight, Emma.”

She left the study, closing the door behind her. Levi sighed, finishing her whiskey for her before regretting it in an instant. He had to stop reaching for his whiskey when he was unhappy, he told himself, as it was only going to make it all worse. If he was going to fight whatever was coming to him, he would have to try with everything he possessed, and he was determined that he would be able to do so.

And, if it was for Emma, he would find the strength to do it somewhere.