Page 27

CHAPTER 27

Geo

“So, when you get there, Kevin—”

“Yes, yes, I know, we’ve been over this.” Katy rolls her eyes.

“You’re going to be late if you don’t get going.”

Kevin throws my luggage and my guitar in the trunk of the SUV.

“She’s right, you know,” he says, deadpan.

In just eight hours, I’ll be taking the stage as Gravedigger , and I’ll be making the news official.

After this tour, I’m going on a hiatus.

I’ve already spoken to Kevin and the label about it.

After my heart to heart with Mateo, I knew exactly what I needed to do.

And after last night, I know now more than ever, that it’s the right thing to do because it’s what I want.

Because Zeb is what I want.

Kevin wasn’t expecting such an announcement, and as such, the label was quick to respond to his important call.

Though, to their credit, no one seemed to crazy over the whole “ Gravedigger is in love with a guy” thing, but I guess the label’s had their hands full with gay awakenings and announcements as of late.

Something in the water, indeed.

Though they understood, more than I thought they would, and assured me that when I was ready to return to the studio, ready to return to being Gravedigger , I could.

I’m sure my lack of sales and discussion of a new record were an easy out for them, too, even if they didn’t say anything.

I know I can never stop making music, regardless, because the music is a part of my soul, but it’s only part of the equation.

I’m made up of more than just black hair dye and contacts, after all.

Of course, I haven’t told my family or Zeb yet.

But I plan to.

Tell them, that is.

Along with thirty thousand other people tonight when I take the stage with the help of my friends.

Kevin approaches us, and I hear the door shut.

I turn to see Zeb standing on his porch, thick tanned arms drawing my attention from beneath his rolled up sleeves.

My gaze settles on his messy dark hair, his bright green gaze.

The sliver of dark chest hair sticking out from beneath his plum collar.

Once I stood in front of him, my heart in my throat as I made the hardest decision of my life, ten years ago.

I don’t regret leaving in the sense that I know now, I needed to do it.

I needed to learn who I was, I needed to experience the world outside of my bubble.

I needed to become Gravedigger so I could understand who Geo Graves is.

And now I know.

I know exactly who I am.

“Okay, G, we really do have to head out if we want to beat traffic,” Kevin warns.

I nod.

“Yeah, I know,” I say as Zeb slowly saunters down the steps.

Katy pulls me into her arms, her grip tight.

“I’m going to miss you, asshole,” she says softly in my ear.

“Don’t wait ten years to come back next time, okay?” I can hear the sadness in her voice.

I tighten my grip on her, her auburn hair tickling my face.

“I won’t,” I say, knowing my sister and I are going to have a lot of time to make up for.

And that’s also something I’m looking forward to, too.

Even if it does involve sour apple martinis.

When she lets me go, I turn to face Zeb.

His hands are in his pockets, and the sky opens up with the brightest light behind him.

“Break a leg, sunshine,” he says, pulling me into a hug.

I can’t help the way I hold onto him.

I clutch him close, breathing in his sweet tonka-bean teakwood scent.

His scratchy beard brushes against my face, and I press my lips to his.

In front of my sister and my manager.

Zeb startles, but only for a moment as he relaxes and takes my face in his hands.

When we break apart, I smile, turning to Kevin, who’s got wide eyes.

“See you guys later,” I say as I head for the car.

I watch through the tinted windows as we pull out of Zeb’s driveway, watch as my sister comes to stand beside him, watch as they both wave goodbye.

“You ready, G?” Kevin asks, making sure my mic pack is secure.

The lights dim, and I know this is it.

“Ready as ever,” I say as the lights completely go out.

In my earpiece I hear the countdown.

Ten.

I take a deep breath, shaking out my limbs, loosening up.

Seven.

I crack my neck, closing my eyes as I focus on the sound of the fans screaming, filling the air.

Five.

I clear my mind, focusing on my heartbeat.

Two.

I open my eyes as I step out into the darkness, my boots clicking across the stage until I find my spot in the center.

Richie’s bass echoes around me as Dare’s guitar shreds through the air, Spike grazing his cymbals as the keys of Hailee’s synth keyboard echoes with the beginning notes of Real Life’s Send Me An Angel .

And then the lights open up, bathing me in neon blue light.

I look out at the sea of people, but there’s only one face I really want to see.

I ask the crowd if they believe in heaven and they roar as the band behind me plays, and I take a moment to soak it all in.

When I ask if they believe in love, the cheers sound like heavy rain.

So do I.

The lights are bright and they drown everything out as I strum out the chords along with my backup band.

The spark in me ignites, fueling me like never before as I feel the lyrics in the depth of my soul.

I scream-sing the lyrics, begging to be sent an angel right now and they cheer like mad.

I saunter up the landing where I sat only a day prior, looking out into the vast crowd, searching for my angel.

And then I see him.

Stage right, arm in arm with my sister, next to mom and dad.

I can’t help but grin when I see him, dressed in black jeans, his dark hair styled over his face like he used to wear when he was younger, sporting a The Used shirt.

Gold glitter rests along his cheekbones, and the black eyeliner rimming his green eyes makes them stand out all the more.

Slivers of the young man I once knew flicker with the man who stole my heart as he smirks at me.

Katy jumps up and down, grinning from ear to ear, sporting the same gold glitter across her face and in her hair.

My mom watches me as I grab my microphone, taking my stance, the same way I always do, and I don’t miss the look of pride on her face.

Or my father’s.

The sight is most.

.

.

validating, if I’m being honest.

I can feel the heat of the pyrotechnics behind me as I grip my microphone tight and I do the one thing I’ve always done when the world around me feels too much.

I sing.

I sing my fucking heart out, because for the first time since I left all those years ago, I feel it.

The spark.

I take a moment to find my breath as I finish the song, take a moment to really appreciate all that God has given me.

Dare’s guitar rolls us right into Devil In Me , and I don’t miss a beat.

I prance around the stage like I fucking own it, because tonight I do.

I own it all.

I sing every song from the depths of my soul, unafraid of what I know is coming.

Finally, we hit the last song, which is normally Heaven Sent , but I decided to change things up a bit for this show.

What kind of rockstar boyfriend would I be if I didn’t serenade the man I love in front of thirty thousand people?

The band quiets, and the crowd is thunderous.

I put my finger to my lips.

“Shhhhh,” I tell them as Kevin pushes the piano out for Hailee.

I stand there, sweaty, hot, and grinning.

“You know, yesterday was my fortieth birthday,” I say and the crowd cheers.

I can’t help but laugh.

“And I gotta tell you all, it made me think about a lot of things.”

A stage hand pushes a stool out for me to sit.

I run my thumb over my lip, wiping away the sweat.

“Show of hands, how many of you knew me before I was Gravedigger ? Who here knows who Geo Graves is?”

There are more cheers than I expect, and I smile as I drop my gaze to stage right.

Zeb smirks.

“Well, for those of you who don’t know, I used to perform music a lot different than what I do now. And it only feels right, that here, in my home, in the place that built me, I pay a little tribute to my Christian Rock days as Geo Graves. That is, if it’s okay with all of you?”

Their cheers are infectious.

“Oh, thank you so much guys! I truly appreciate it. Can I ask you another favor?”

My heart thuds so loudly in my chest, I think it’s roaring with the crowd.

“Could you pretty please light up the sky for me? Get those phones and lighters out?”

I watch as the darkness fills with bright, teaming light, and I think God really does work in mysterious ways.

“Thanks, guys. You’re the best,” I call out as I ready my mic, looking at Hailee.

The beginning keys of Philip Wickham’s It’s Always Been You graces the air.

I sing, my voice shaking, as those first few words find their way into the darkness, the truth in them so profound.

He did see me first, after all.

Hailee’s haunting piano playing mixes with the sway of the lights, and I close my eyes and feel the music.

Feel the truth.

I clutch my chest, if only to keep my heart from leaping out as I sing Philip’s evident words, about God being there for him in the past, and being there for him in the future.

But it’s not God I’m serenading tonight, though I am more than thankful for this moment he’s pushed me toward.

I open my eyes, pausing as the tears form in my eyes as I sing about all the years his love was breaking through the cracks.

The clarity of understanding is cathartic as Mateo’s words meld with my truth.

I’ve always known what I wanted.

I just never said it out loud, but I am now.

I sing from the bottom of my fucking heart, that it’s always been him .

It’s always been Zeb, from the start.

I step down from my stool, walking slowly down the landing to stage right as I sing about castles crumbling and being pulled out of the fire, out of the water.

I sing about being saved.

And when I reach the end of that landing, I fall to my goddamned knees in front of him, and I sing.

His bright green eyes glisten, and in them, I can see the truth so clear.

He gazes at me like I’m not on a stage in front a stadium full of people.

He looks at me, and I know he sees me, Geo Graves.

He sees my soul, and there is nothing greater than that.

The crowd around us fades into shadows and lights.

It’s always been him, and it’ll always be him.

When I stand, I take slow steps back to center stage, and I stand in the center of it all, and I smile.

I belt out those last few lines, and then they cheer.

“Shhhh…” I wave my hand, motioning for them to be quiet, and they listen.

“You know, music has always been my passion, and nothing is ever going to change that,” I say, licking my lips.

I sigh, letting out my truth for the first time.

I find him, my strength, and the words come naturally.

“This is going to be my last tour. For a while,” I declare, my shoulders relaxing as the crowd quiets.

“I will always be grateful, for you. Every single one of you. I promise it’s not goodbye forever, guys. It’s just goodbye for now.”

It’s quiet for a moment before the crowd erupts into sounds of happiness, of support, of love.

I smile at Zeb as the lights dim, my cue to leave.

“Good night, Tucson,” I shout as I exit stage left to find Mateo with Dare in his arms, his eyes teary-eyed.

“That was fucking beautiful, man!” Dare cries through a sniffle.

“So romantic,” Hailee says as she comes up next to us.

“Thanks for letting me be a part of it.”

I smile at them, nodding in approval, heading for the dressing room, if only because the nerves have finally hit and I need a minute to process it all.

I find my reflection in the mirror, eyes red-rimmed, cheeks flushed with heat and sweat, my hair a mess, and I take a moment to feel the spark.

I know it’ll keep me warm, always.

That safe, warm spark that makes me feel alive.

And then I see the door open, and familiar green eyes meet mine in the mirror.