Page 25

CHAPTER 25

Geo

“You sounded great up there!” Kevin pats me on the back as he heads backstage.

I sigh, knowing I should feel excitement and happiness because I did sound really good.

Better than I have at the last few shows, even I know that.

But despite sounding good, I don’t feel good.

In fact, I feel like shit.

I know I can’t blame my mood entirely on the alcohol, though.

“Thanks,” I reply as I slide my hands in my pockets, taking a look at the empty stadium before me.

I take in the sight of the rows and rows of seats that go so far back, they look like they’ll disappear into the night sky when it’s dark.

The place is filled with noise right now, but it’s an ambient sort of noise.

Wheels of carts scratching on concrete, echoes of stagehands chattering, and faint melodies in the distance as assistants, managers, and musicians all scramble about to make sure everything is set up right, that everything is in its right place.

I suck in a deep breath as I look at the empty seats beneath the stadium lights, knowing that tomorrow this place will be full of thousands of people.

It’s a bittersweet thing, the calm before a big show.

“Hey…” Mateo’s voice pulls me from my thoughts and I realize I’m the only one still out here on the stage.

Heart Killer ’s good and gone.

“Hey,” I answer as he slowly ambles over to me.

“I noticed you were a little pitchy during that last verse in Heaven Sent ,” he says calmly.

He stands next to me, hands in his leather pants.

I purse my lips.

“And you looked a little lost when you were singing Devil In Me .”

“Yeah, I guess I’m a little distracted. Rough night.” I shrug.

It’s not entirely untrue.

“Mhmm,” he murmurs as he takes a seat on the edge of the stage.

The sleek, long black walkway jets out into the center of the pit, and though right now it looks like nothing more than an empty concrete circle, tomorrow I know it will be filled with screaming, moshing fans.

I take a seat next to him, staring up at the empty stadium, soaking it all in.

This is my life.

This is what I always wanted.

Isn’t it?

“You ever think about what your life would be like if you weren’t Mateo Starr?” I ask, turning to look at him.

Mateo’s gray-blue eyes implore mine.

“No,” he says firmly.

“I mean, I always knew this was it for me. Hailee, too. Music was our salvation, you know.”

I nod.

“Is it everything you wanted?” I ask, folding my hands in my lap.

I settle my gaze on some stadium workers sweeping between the floor seats stage right.

Mateo sighs.

The grin on his face is heavenly.

“No, it’s better.” He nudges my arm, pulling my attention.

“It’s not, for you, I take it?” He says the words plainly, but they are heavy on my heart.

I glance at my hands in my lap, at the bare spot on my finger, noticing my absent-minded fidgeting.

“Maybe it was, but I’m not really sure it is anymore,” I admit.

Mateo’s voice softens.

“What do you want, Geo?”

I think about his question, but the words I want to say are stuck in my throat.

“I don’t know,” I reply, watching the lighting crew plug in and unplug wires, spreading them across the floor, getting ready for Mateo’s sound check.

“Yes, you do.”

“Mateo...”

“You’ve always known exactly what you wanted. Ever since the day you signed with Casualty, and I suspect you knew before you left being Geo Graves.”

I look at him as my chest tightens.

“This…” He motions around the stadium.

“It doesn’t feel right for you. It never has. Because you never wanted to do this alone. It didn’t feel right doing it without him. ”

I wring my hands together as the knot forms in my stomach.

“You’ve just never said it out loud, ” he says.

“Maybe, but it’s still my life,” I state, gazing out at the empty seats.

“I chose it.”

Mateo’s voice is smooth, serious.

“This life isn’t for everyone, you know. A lot of people never make it to the other side.” He looks at me with the same kindness he did all those years ago when I was the new kid on the label.

When I was a twenty-nine year old, blond, boy next door who had no idea what he was doing, or how he was going to do it.

He could have been an asshole to me, but he wasn’t.

He took me under his wing, and he helped me become Gravedigger , and I will always thank God for his guidance and friendship.

“I know.” My voice is tinged with melancholy.

“But you don’t have to stay, you know,” he breathes the words with sincerity.

I turn to look at him, my eyes widening.

“What?”

Mateo’s eyebrows furrow.

“Your heart hasn’t been in this for awhile, Geo. We both know that.”

I want to respond, to say no, he’s wrong, but.

.

.

He’s not.

Mateo is a lot of things, and an astute observer is one of them.

“Passion is what inspires people like us, Geo. Not sales numbers and demographics, ” he says, flashing me with a smirk.

“You, me, Felix... even fucking Dare...” He huffs, but I don’t miss the way his lips smile when he says his boyfriend’s name.

“We all need to feel that passion, that spark. Not just in the music , but in our fucking soul.”

I settle my palms on the black stage floor, my fingers leaving prints on the acrylic.

“Yeah.” I nod, rubbing my hands along the smooth, chilled surface.

“I get it.”

I can feel the tears threatening to form in my eyes.

I feel it, the spark.

The passion.

But I don’t feel it here , in this stadium.

I don’t feel it in LA in my too big house, or even in the recording studio, anymore.

“No, I don’t think you do,” he retorts, shaking his head.

“You can stop, Geo.”

I have to close my eyes to try and hold off the fucking tears that want to free themselves from my soul from his words.

“It doesn’t have to be forever. You can take a fucking break.” He sighs.

“Look at Drew. He went home to Jasper Springs and fell in love, took a hiatus. I left for five years and came back and released Satellites and went on this fucking tour. Met the goddamn love of my life, too. And look at Duncan—he had a big career, left, got married, had a kid—came back and look at him now. Dude is killing it with the rest of us and his pain in the ass boyfriend, what? Twenty, thirty years later?”

His words settle on me, and I look up at the clouds, the light that pours through them onto us from above.

The tears fall because I can’t fight them.

“You wouldn’t be the first guy to take a break, and you certainly wouldn’t be the first guy to take a break because he fell in love.”

I look up at the sky, and the clouds have parted.

Mateo squeezes my shoulder with warmth.

I want to respond, but all that comes out of my damn mouth is a sob.

I pinch the bridge of my nose as I sit with my friend and the truth.

The truth I’ve known, but I didn’t want to admit.

The truth of what I know I need to do.

For my heart, my sanity, and the sake of my music.

But most all, for me.

God didn’t give me a second chance to make the same mistake twice.

“Three months,” I say softly.

I look at Mateo’s familiar face.

“Three months left on this tour, and then that’s it.” My voice is a little more solid as I let the truth settle, as I find my strength.

“Yeah, I think a hiatus is long overdue.”

Mateo offers me a kind gaze, squeezing my shoulder once more.

“I’m going to miss having you around, Geo Graves.”

I settle my hand over his, offering him a genuine smile.

“I’m going to miss having you around, too, Mateo,” I swallow harshly.

“Thank you.”

Mateo drops his hand.

“Of course. It’s not goodbye forever.”

“Mateo!” Hailee calls out.

“Are you ready or what?”

We both turn to see her at the back of the stage with her keyboard, and suddenly, I get an idea.

“Hold your fucking horses, Hailee!” Mateo snaps as he stands, offering me his hand.

I take it and he helps me to stand.

“It’s just goodbye for now,” I say as I exit stage left.