Page 30 of Giving Him Something He Can Feel

“I’m straight and things are handled. We’re all straight.” Then I kissed the back of her head, which happened to be her hair bonnet that reeked of the rosemary oil she used to oil her scalp every night.

“Okay.” I knew she’d have questions in the morning but for now I was grateful for her state of sleep. Grateful that I’d have time to come down off everything that had taken place tonight.

“Jo.”

“Hmm?” she answered.

“I love you baby.” The words that had been begging to be said slipped from my lips.

“I love you too.”

Virtue

When I opened my eyes, he was lying next to me with his head in the crook of his elbow.

I wanted to wake him and ask him if he was fine, but I didn’t.

I let him sleep. Whatever happened last night had to be serious.

Not only was his conversation loud enough to wake me up, but it was enough to have him up and out of the door at three in the morning.

I tried not to worry, but I was completely unsuccessful in that endeavor.

I worried most of the morning, before the fact that I was dead tire took over my body.

I couldn’t help it, I passed out and now here I was awake wondering if I should go make him breakfast or stay here and push out a few more hours of sleep.

With how tired I’d ben lately I could have, but it didn’t feel right.

Just because I was off work and Adorie was with my mother didn’t mean I was permitted to lay-up and do absolutely nothing.

When I finally willed myself from my bed, I went to the kitchen to start the coffee maker. Then I heard a loud banging at my door, which immediately put me on guard. I glanced at the wall clock that read eight-fifty-seven, before tightening my robe around my body and approaching the door.

I glanced through the peephole seeing that it was none other than Eva. I wanted to leave her at the door and walk off like I didn’t hear her, but I had neighbors and the last thing I wanted to do was disturb them.

Rolling my eyes to the ceiling I sighed before I stepped back to open the door.

Of course I didn’t want her in my house, but what else could I do?

Hopefully this was a quick visit because I low key wanted to make this man breakfast and then climb back into my damn bed and I didn’t feel like being bothered.

When I eyed the duffle bag in her hands, I just knew my hope meant nothing. She was about to try to push a few boundaries and piss me off.

“About time you opened the door. I was beginning to think you wasn’t home.” She walked in past me and tossed her bag on the floor looking around like she had never been to my place. “It’s nice in here.”

“Thank you, what are you doing here?” I refused to beat around the bush nor bite my tongue. It was too damn early, and she was fucking unannounced.

“Well, since that nigga you messing with done ran Linny out of town and you won’t give me a few dollars to pay my rent I don’t have anywhere to live.”

I tilted my head to the side looking at her, completely fucking speechless because this was what had come out of her mouth. “Excu?—”

“Look it’s just for a little bit. ‘Til I get back on my feet.”

“No. You can’t stay here. And for the life of me I don’t know what gave you the idea that you could just show up here and it would go like that.”

“And where am I supposed to go?” she asked like that was my problem. “What you probably got that nigga laid up here with you. Me, your mother can’t get a few days?”

“No, and you should use that word very lightly, because the last thing you have been is a mother.”

She looked at me for what felt like forever before she shook her head. “I gave you life, and here you are being ungrateful. How dare you sit your ass up here and think you’re better than m?—”

“Leave Eva. I can’t keep doing this with you. For once I’m happy and I refuse to let you mess that up for me. I refuse to let you bring all of this hateful shit into my life.”

“You good in here, Peach?” Trek’s voice broke the intense eye contact between me and my mother.

Immediately she looked at him. “And who the fuck are you supposed to be?” Eva whipped her head in his direction so fast that I’m sure she almost broke her neck.

“The nigga whose willing to do whatever to protect her from motherfuckers like you and yo’ son.” He knew all about Eva and Lenny’s tactics. It was one of those nights when we stayed up talking and I felt comfortable enough to voice my frustrations with that part of my family.

“And what the fuck is that supposed to mean? What is he talking about, Virtue?” Her fury was now pointed in my direction.

“Look, I wasn’t taught to disrespect my elders, so I’ma say this as nice as I can. Get up outta here, and leave her al?—”

“That’s my fucking daughter. You don’t tell me shit about mine! You letting this nigga dictate your moves and tell you what to d?—”

“He’s not telling me what to do. He’s telling you what to do where I’m concerned, and I think you heard him.” I walked over toward the door to open it. When I had it open I just stopped there, holding it, and waiting for her to step through it.

She looked taken aback, before she nodded her head and stood. “When this nigga leaves you for whatever other bitch he’s fucking don’t say I didn’t warn you.” She had her bag on her shoulder stepping out of the door seconds later.

Once she was on the other side of the threshold, I closed the door without a second thought. When I turned around Cartrek was looking at me, expression filled with concern.

“I’m good, thank you,” I assured him as I walked toward his shirtless frame.

“Yeen gotta thank me for protecting you. I’ma do that shit regardless. Your peace is my priority.”

I smiled. “Is that so?” Compared to Cartrek, I was a damn midget. So, when I wrapped my arms around his body my head was against his chest, nowhere near his face.

“Very much.” He picked me up carrying both of our bodies to the sofa. He took a seat seconds later, hands on both sides of my thighs.

“How are you?” I questioned, staring intently at him as he peered into my eyes.

“I’m good. Better yet, great.” His lips were against my neck seconds later.

My hand found his chin, tilting it up for him to look at me. “ You’d tell me if you weren’t, right?”

He peered at me intensely, before he nodded.

I guess that worked for me… for now. So I leaned in and pressed my lips against his.

His energy was enough for me, and that alone made me so content in his arms…

in his presence. He was enough, this space was enough and for once I was okay with the feelings he gave.

He was genuine, sweet, attentive and most of all a grown ass man who didn’t play when it came to the matters of his heart.

I was grateful for that… grateful for him.

Though he got on my damn nerves, he was mine and I couldn’t do anything but feel that.

Jovie

When Cartier came in this morning, I felt emotional, then my worries consumed me.

Like somehow all of my thoughts had conjured up this immeasurable amount of intrusive thoughts that cloaked themselves in worry.

Worry that dispersed the moment I felt him put his hands around my body in bed.

I don’t know what he had gone out and done, but I knew it wasn’t good.

Not with all the obscurities he mumbled as he walked through his bedroom getting dressed in a quickness.

Pissed was an understatement and I knew that for a fact, because even though I was sleep when he got the call I heard and felt everything.

From the moment he leaned over the bed and kissed my cheek, worry settled into my being making it close to impossible for me to get back to the sleep I had when I was in his arms. I managed though, because his child wouldn’t let me get out of bed and my eye lids were heavy as rocks.

I managed to stay in that space of horrible sleep, eyes closed and solid consciousness for the duration of his time away.

But he consumed my thoughts, because I just wanted him to be safe… shit to be back in this bed with me.

I never expected things to get this deep with Cartier and myself.

Especially when he was fucking Taylor and we partied in the same groups.

That felt like a lifetime ago, because not only had this baby and life sat me down, but it slowed him down too.

I didn’t expect that one night to bring us here, to planning our lives together and negotiating furniture together.

I didn’t expect any of this. Shit, to be honest I didn’t even expect to lose my pop-pop, no matter how many times he warned me that his time was coming.

I didn’t believe him, because in my mind the old man would live forever and give my children the pop-pop experience I had.

Anyway life had this way of not showing you it’s hand until you’d either folded or stood on business. Plenty of times I wanted to fold, to roll over and cry into my arm, but I couldn’t. wasn’t raised like that. Shit nothing about me was soft life material if anything I was hard body.

“You over there staring into space. You must think you know what we having.” Cartier’s voice interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to the present space we were in.

I blinked a few times allowing my eyes to gloss the small appointment room, before they landed on my fine ass baby daddy. “Told you it’s a girl. ‘Cause if it ain’t you’re on your own buddy boy.”

He chuckled. “Fuck outta here. Even if you carrying my daughter right now, you still finna carry my son in the nearest future. I need me about five.” Stupidly he held his hand and all five of his fingers up as he spoke. Such an animated ass nigga.

I chose not to respond to his decree. Not because I didn’t have a rebuttal, but because I knew when it came to him, he could have whatever he asked for from me and some. Instead I waved him and that sneaky ass smirk off.

I could see it in his face he was about to respond but a knock at the door interrupted that.

Seconds later the doctor was stepping through the door with a nurse in tow and the sonogram machine. “Good afternoon mom and dad, how are we doing today?” she asked politely.

“Good and ready.” Cartier smiled rubbing his massive hands together. When he felt me looking at him he looked from her to me, before sending a wink in my direction. His way of reassurance.

Not long after she set up the machine and asked me to lift my shirt, she confirmed that I was indeed carrying a little girl.

A little girl I’d protect with my life, and so would her father.

A little girl who would never know the feeling of abandonment because she’d always have us.

I didn’t know what the future held, and yes this was technically the beginning of mine and Cartier’s story together.

“Yo, you know I love you right?”

Immediately heat overcame both of my cheeks, and a smile to challenge Jigsaw covered my face. “You do? It ain’t like you didn’t say it last night while I was half sleep.”

His hand gripped mine, bringing it up toward his face as he drove. “Is Turkey ass turkey? I love you with everything in me and I’ma give you the fucking world. You and lil’ Cartierra.”

I busted up laughing. “I love you too, but we are not naming my daughter that ghetto shit.”

Cartrek

I glanced down at my watch, before my eyes glossed the doctor’s face.

I could see how surprised she was when she saw me in the waiting room.

She was completely taken aback, and she tried to check herself, but she couldn’t.

Doc was used to seeing a nigga weekly so she could pick my brain and be all in my shit about my choices, my regrets, and the moments I couldn’t forget for the life of me.

“It’s been a while. How are you, Cartrek?”

I shrugged, getting comfortable on the sofa as if I’d be here long.

“Straight. I’m good.”

She nodded her head. “That’s good. How is life?”

“Leveled.”

Her brow raised as she looked up from the notepad in her hand, eyes studying me and completely thrown by the word I’d just said. “Leveled. That’s an interesting word to use. Care to explain what you mean?”

“Like I’m leveled out right now. Found a lil’ bit of a balance between obsessing over the shit I can’t change and the things I can. Life is balanced.”

She nodded and continued to scribble my words into her note pad. “What brought about this balance? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Life.” And her.

She nodded. “That’s good. How have you been feeling?”

My eyes traveled the room, before they landed on her. “Felt.”

The end… For Now

-TGE