Page 44 of FWB
Tiegan
T iegan, I have a daughter.
“I’m sorry … you WHAT?” Out of every possible situation that had run through my mind, that was never one of them.
“I found out I was going to be a father on your birthday, that’s why I couldn’t come to your party. I was in the middle of having my life blown to pieces.”
“Who is the mother?”
“A mistake. A terrible mistake that I wish I could undo, but unfortunately life doesn’t work that way.”
“How’d you two meet?” I ask, not looking at him.
“Dating apps. She was a hookup gone terribly wrong. She assured me she was on the pill, but I guess she had taken some medication that messed with the efficiency. We only hooked up a handful of times, and only one of those times was without a condom. I guess once was all it took. I broke things off with her in April, before I even met you. She’s a psycho.
I never wanted to have anything to do with her ever again.
But the universe must like using me as its personal punching bag because here we are.
Now I’m stuck with this whack job for the rest of my life.
All because I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants! ”
I sit there in silence, absorbing his words. Finally, I ask, “When was she born?”
He sighs. “The night of the holiday party. The call I got in the middle of our dance was the doctor telling me that Jazmine had given birth early under some fucked up circumstances.”
“What kind of circumstances?”
“She told me she took a handful of Xanax to try and abort the baby. She thought if she had enough drugs in her system she would have a stillbirth, but she was too far along. Her due date was Christmas Day. The medication made her OD, and she went into early labor while she was passed out. Her sister found her in her apartment with her water broken and blood between her legs. The ambulance came and took her to Vandy where they rushed her into emergency surgery to extract the baby while simultaneously trying to revive Jazmine.”
I cover my mouth in shock. “Oh, my god. Is everyone okay?”
“Yeah, everyone is fine. Jazmine came to shortly after the C-section and my daughter was able to come home after two days of observation.”
“What’s her name?” I realize I haven’t yet asked.
“Lilii Rose. Lilii with three I’s … for now. I plan on changing it with the court when I go for permanent full custody of her. I only have temporary full custody while Jazmine deals with the aftermath of her brilliant plan.”
“Who’s watching her while you’re with me?”
“Sam.”
I nod, processing all this information.
“Tell me what you’re thinking right now,” he pleads.
“I don’t know what to think, if I’m being honest with you.
I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you’re a father and you’ve known you were going to be one since October!
I’m hurt you didn’t think you could tell me.
I’m sad for you because I know this isn’t how you planned for your life to go.
I don’t know, Kenny. This is a lot to take in. ”
“What can I do to help? I’ll answer any question you have.”
“I … I think I need some time alone to think and process everything. I’m going to go home.”
“No, don’t go. I’ll leave and you can stay here. The room is already paid for. I was a nervous wreck leaving Lilii alone with Sam all night, anyways.”
“Okay, Kenny. Thank you. For finally telling me about Lilii,” I say, testing her name on my tongue.
Kenny gathers his things and leaves, but not before giving me a tender kiss on the forehead.
After he leaves, I let myself crumble. It was everything I could do to not break down and cry while we were talking.
I will never forget the feeling I got when I first heard those words come out of his mouth, I have a daughter.
I could quite literally feel my heart drop to my stomach.
I thought I was having a miniature heart attack.
Who knows? Maybe I did and made it out the other side unscathed?
Either way, it’s something I’ll remember for a long time to come.
Children have never been a part of my life path. I didn’t even like kids when I was one, let alone liking them as an adult. And a newborn baby, to top it all off? I haven’t held a baby since high school. I don’t even know how to properly apply a diaper, for crying out loud!
I know my feelings towards children stem from the trauma of growing up with an alcoholic and suicidal mother, an elderly grandmother, and no father figure to speak of.
I’m terrified I’ll end up making the same mistakes my mother made, or worse.
I never want to be the reason a child hates their life.
Am I what you could consider a good role model?
I’d like to think so. Does that make me parent-material? Absolutely not.
However, as I’ve grown older, especially being in my mid-thirties now, I’ve come to accept the fact that my future partner will probably have kids.
I would figure out how to fit into their lives somehow, molding myself like water in a river.
But what if I didn’t have to mold to fit another premade family?
What I’m having difficulty with is accepting the fact that Kenny is now a father.
I’ve always had Kenny labeled as the Perpetual Bachelor, never to settle down.
That’s how he always came across. Every conversation we had about settling down and having a family, he would say that he’s not interested.
That he doesn’t deserve to love anyone or have anyone love him until he has his shit together.
Well, guess what? No one ever has their shit all the way together.
He can’t hide his heart away forever. And he shouldn’t have to raise that baby alone; she deserves to have a stable woman in her life.
With my mind made up, I pick up the room phone and dial the front desk to ask if they have a notebook I could steal a handful of pages from.
Miraculously, they do, so I head to the lobby of our regular Red Roof Inn and grab the notebook from the front desk before making my way back to my room. Then, I begin to write.