Page 16 of FWB

Tiegan

Kenny’s text is almost instant.

Kenny: That’s quite a ways away, but not that I know of. Why?

Tiegan: I’m stealing you away for a couple of hours that night. There’s a show I want to take you to. I’ll make it worth your while ;)

Kenny: You know I’m always down for live music with you. I’m there.

We spend every mutually free evening together in our room at the Red Roof Inn, tangled in the sheets, limbs intertwined, tender touches shared.

I’m getting to know him more and more with each interaction.

I know he prefers breakfast for dinner and a good milkshake for dessert.

He insists on watching movies with subtitles.

And he’s got the sweetest snore when he sleeps.

He’s also opening up to me more about his personal life. He has started confiding in me about his ex-girlfriend who had cheated on him.

“Tell me about your last serious relationship,” I ask one night, feeling emboldened by the alcohol and weed I’ve consumed.

He hesitates, looks at me, and takes a long swig of his whiskey. “Why do you want to know?”

“Because I want to understand why you’re so against relationships, or at least being in one right now.”

He sighs, realizing that I probably won’t give this topic up.

“Her name was Jackie. She was a year younger than me with a young son.

He was only two when I met him. We were together for eight years.

I basically helped raise him, acting as a ‘stepdad’ for all intents and purposes, without actually being married.

“She was also an addict. Not as serious as I was; mainly painkillers and alcohol. But two people with substance abuse living together brought along plenty of issues, as you can probably imagine. We argued all the time. It never got physical or anything, but if Chris, her son, wasn’t around, things could get pretty heated.

“I started suspecting her of cheating pretty early on. Eventually, she admitted to sleeping with her plug to get a better deal, but she promised she would stop if I gave her another chance.

“Stupidly, I did. Because, even though I never cheated on her, I felt like I was no better in the relationship than she was.

We both worked on getting clean, and things started to improve a little.

That was the first time I ever got sober.

I quit everything cold-turkey. It was hell, but I thought if I did that, things would get better.

I was clean for five years of the relationship.

“She, however, hid that she started using pills again about two years before the end of things. She also hid the fact that she was hooking up with her drug dealer again. Oh, and get this—turns out, the guy is also Chris’s biological father.”

“What? The drug dealer is her son’s dad?”

“Yup,” he says as he takes another long swig of whiskey.

Not only did he lose the person he thought he was going to be with the rest of his life, but he also lost her young son in the process.

I can tell he adored that little boy as his own.

No wonder he went into a downward spiral of cocaine and pills.

He had lost the family that he had chosen for himself. He wasn’t chosen in return.

“Do you ever think you’ll get married and settle down?”

He looks at me, and I can tell he doesn’t want to answer. “I honestly don’t know. I’ve been burned so many times and have seen so many failed relationships. I don’t know if I want to go through that. I don’t know if I deserve to have anyone, anyways.”

I lean up on my elbows to get a better look at him. “Why do you say that?”

He lets out a huff. “I don’t know. I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can let someone else in. I’ve still got a lot to do before I feel like I have my shit together enough to let someone love me.”

I absorb his words. Finally, I say, “I know we’re getting to know each other.

In some ways, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.

That part of me wants to tell you that you’re being way too hard on yourself.

You’re kind, generous, smart, funny, and one hell of a bedfellow.

” I give him a nudge before going on. “But the other part of me realizes just how little I know you. I’ve got a lot of work I need to do on myself too.

But sometimes we need other people to help us get to where we’re supposed to be in our lives.

I just hope you’re not pushing away the people who are supposed to help make you who you are meant to be. ”

He regards me a moment before answering with, “Now, you’re not catching feelings, are you?”

“Wanting to help you realize your self-worth isn’t me catching feelings. Have I started to care about you? Absolutely, because that’s who I am as a person. I can’t get to know someone and spend all this time with them and not care about them at least a little bit. That’s just not how I’m wired.”

“I just don’t want you getting your hopes up that I’m going to magically change my ways.”

“I’m not asking you to. All I’m asking is if someone wants to be in your life, you let them. At least a little bit.”

Kenny doesn’t reply. I can see him retreating into himself. He gets off the bed to pour himself another glass of the whiskey that he always brings to our rendezvous.

I overstepped. I knew bringing up the future would probably scare him, but I can’t help that I’ve started to care about him.

“Hey,” I say as I go to him and place my hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I promise I’m not getting weird on you. I’m just trying to get to know the person I’m sleeping with. You can’t fault me for wanting to get closer to you in more than just a physical way.”

“I can’t make you any promises.”

“Okay. Then give me what you can.”

“I’m trying.”

“Then that’s all I can ask for,” I say as I lean up on my toes and kiss him. I can taste the whiskey on his lips, and I feel drunk all over again. I’m so fucked.