Page 91 of Full Out Fiend

“I love you, Fielding.”

“Don’t say that,” he chokes out, throwing his head back and grimacing.

“First of all, don’t tell me what to do.”

He tries to hold back his smile, but he can’t hide the way the corners of his mouth turn up slightly.

“Second—why can’t I say it if it’s true?”

He keeps his head tilted up, refusing to meet my gaze. “You don’t know what I’ve done. You have no idea what kind of mistakes I’ve made or the shit I’ve fucked up.”

He’s not getting it. But he will.

“You are not your mistakes or your worst decisions. None of us are.”

I take his hand in mine and kiss it before sliding it down between our bodies and placing it firmly on my bump. “Sometimes our lowest moments lead us to the most beautiful places,” I remind him. “I love you, and you need to accept that. I love you for who you are today, for who I believe you’ll be tomorrow. As you are right in this moment, I love you.”

He doesn’t respond right away. I don’t push him to reciprocate. We sit in silence, leaning into one another, coming together as we are.

I don’t need him to say it back to me. At least not yet. As long as he doesn’t shut me out, we’ll be okay. As long as there’s hope he’ll eventually come around, I know we can get through this.

He grazes his hands up my arms before gently cupping my face. “Fine. I’ll work on accepting it. But don’t think just because you said it first means the feeling isn’t mutual. I think I’ve loved you from that very first night in the alley.”

My heart stutters in my chest.

“It was more than attraction that brought us together. I’ve never felt like that in my life,” he admits. “I just wanted to be near you. Even when I was balls deep inside you that night, it wasn’t close enough.”

“Thanks for the visual,” I snort.

He grins and cocks one eyebrow, and I breathe a sigh of relief.

There he is.

The man I know—the man Ilove—he’s still in there. We’re going to be okay.

“I’m not good at any of this, angel. I’m bound to fuck it up over and over again. But I want to be good for you. For a long time, I didn’t know what love was. But now that I’ve found it, it’s obvious. It’s wanting to be better every damn day for the sake of someone else.”

I catch his lips with mine, pouring all my gratitude and admiration into the kiss we share. He’s exactly right: neither of us is perfect, nor do we need to be. But being better versions of ourselves is something we can both strive for.

“I love you, angel,” he whispers when we finally come up for air. “You were made for me.”

Chapter 49

Fielding

Shestayedinourroom without me having to ask, granting me the comfort of holding her all night long. Thank fuck. I need her tonight.

The darkness hasn’t had a grip on me like this in years. Part of me still hates myself for what I did. But drowning in the shame and guilt over the past isn’t an option for me anymore. I have something to live for: someone who makes me want to do better.

I nuzzle into her hair as she sleeps, feeling nothing but peace and resolve.

Dempsey says it’s over. Jake said to leave it alone.

I can’t change a damn thing about what I’ve done or who I once was. Dwelling on it accomplishes nothing. Acceptance is the only way. It’s time to move on.

As I hold this sleeping angel in my arms, I decide to do just that. Grateful doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about being given another chance, the opportunity to somehow deserve her love.

I won’t waste it. I’m going to take this fresh start and treat it like a gift. Work every moment of every day to be the best partner and parent I can be.