Page 84 of Full Out Fiend

It’s dark enough in here that I won’t be all that visible. He’s going to be resistant to what I’m asking him to do, but I need him to understand how important this is. I want him to look me in the eye and tell me the truth.

“Hold on,” he greets in a whisper, the quiet shuffling of his feet the only sound for several moments. He closes a door quietly before he steps into the light and I can really see him on the screen. He’s shirtless, and his hair’s a rumpled mess. He’s three hours behind me in California, but he looks like he might have already been asleep.

I gulp past the tension clogging my throat and stare straight into the phone before I make my request. “I need you to do something for me.”

“What’s wrong?”

He knows I’m not okay. Probably knew it before I opened my mouth, but I don’t want his concern or pity. I just need fucking answers.

“I need you to tell me what happened the night I went to Wheeler’s house.”

He glowers at me through the screen, the little wrinkle above his nose working overtime when his eyebrows knit together.

“Fielding…”

It’s a warning. His attempt at talking me off the ledge. It’s one thing to have my brother want to protect me from something. It’s another when the thing I need to be protected from is myself.

“I have to know,” I counter.

“Hold on…” he mutters, moving through another dark room and eventually stepping out onto the balcony.

“Isn’t Maddie asleep?” I challenge once I realize what he’s doing.

“She is. But I don’t want her to overhear any part of this conversation.”

For fuck’s sake.

“Why not?”

“Because she loves you,” he snaps, pulling at his hair with his free hand in clear frustration. He settles into a chair but doesn’t continue for several moments. Finally, just as I’m about to open my mouth and demand he get on with it, he speaks again. “She loves you, but it was her brother’s marriage you tried to shatter. Unless she specifically asks, I refuse to let her hear any of this. Ever. I refuse to let your lowest low change things between you two.”

I close my eyes in anguish. It was bad. Really fucking bad. I knew that. But to think that I committed atrocities so severe it could change the way Maddie feels about me…

Fuck.

I can’t let who I was ruin who I am to Daphne. I’ll give anything to remain the good guy in her eyes… even if it takes finally making peace with the worst version of myself.

“Tell me everything,” I plead.

He scowls into the phone. “I don’tknoweverything. No one does.”

We stare at each other, his words settling in to the broken, empty space around me. No one knows everything—but there are others who remember a hell of a lot more than I do.

“What happened that night was horrific. But so much is unclear. I couldn’t get a hold of you for three days beforehand. We were splitting time between the Valet House and our house back then, but three days of darkness was a damn long time.”

“Tori called Jake at the bar. She was scared, saying you were in the backyard, screaming for her to come outside and talk to you.”

I wince at the audacity.

“Jake grabbed me on the way out without explanation until we were in the car and on our way. Tori called Jake again just as we pulled into the driveway. He put her on speakerphone. I’ll never fucking forget how she sounded.”

I close my eyes and sink into the dark, harrowing familiarity of shame. It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him to stop. But the only way past this is through it.

“You were drunkenly balanced on the diving board above their pool. It was already closed and covered for the season.”

My eyes widen in horror.

“It was raining, so everything was wet. I didn’t even notice it all at first…”