Page 46 of Full Out Fiend

Her tone is teasing. But the sting that results from her jab is hard to hide.

“I don’t,” I admit, my tone low and earnest. “That’s my shit, though. And I’ll figure it out. You don’t need anything else to worry about. I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your texts. And I hate that I was a defensive dick when you showed up here today. Forgive me. I promise it won’t happen again.”

“It’s okay,” she murmurs, linking her arm through mine in a gesture that tugs at my heartstrings. I resist the urge to stop in my tracks and pull her into a legitimate hug.

“Can you tell me about the videos?”

I blow out a breath and mentally negotiate with myself about how to approach this. I’ll tell her anything—I want to be open and honest, and it’s important we establish a rapport now if we’re going to be in each other’s lives in such a significant way.

But fuck. That night was awful.

“That was a really bad night for me,” I start. “I regret how it went down, but I won’t lie and try to sugarcoat it. The videos kind of speak for themselves…”

I was drunk. And high. I showed up at a party, and more than anything, I wanted to feel something that hurt more than the pain eating at me from the inside.

I would never hurt someone intentionally for my own comfort. I’m not a sadist. But I needed to feelsomething. I decided fists on flesh was what I wanted that night.

“It happened last summer?”“Yes.”

“Is that—I mean, did that…” She doesn’t finish.

“What do you need to know, angel? I’ll tell you anything you want to know about that night.”

She inhales and quickens her pace, looking straight ahead before she articulates her next question. “Did that used to happen a lot?”

“Not a lot,” I assure her, before adding, “But I wouldn’t be surprised if there is other random footage floating around out there of me acting like a fool or making questionable choices. It’s okay if you judge me for what you saw in those videos, but I haven’t been that guy for a long time. Which I’m sure sounds crazy, since I just admitted to getting drunk off my ass last night, but there’s a difference.”

She cocks one eyebrow in question but lets me continue.

“In those videos Andrew showed you—on a night like that—I was desperate to forget. I would go out looking for a fight. I used to do shit like that to numb the pain.”

“And last night?” she pushes.

“Last night, I was desperate not to be forgotten. Or left behind. I called my brother before I did anything else. I made sure I got home and couldn’t hurt anyone else.”

I glance over out of the corner of my eye, anxious to get a read on her reaction. She’s looking forward, focused on the path ahead and the trees that surround it. She’s looking everywhere but at me.

“I told you the first night we met that I’m not a good man, Daphne. I’ve never been the hero in anyone’s story. But I’ve been putting in the work, trying to be a better person. And you just gave me the ultimate reason to get my shit together and keep it together once and for all. I don’t have the track record to back up my claims. I’m going to have to prove to you that I can do this. But I will. You’ll see. I promise you—I’m in, and you can count on me.”

Silence stretches between us. I regret suggesting a walk. If we were seated and stationary, I would at least feel like less of a creeper staring at her and willing her to respond.

“I can accept that.”

I sigh out all the anxiety I’ve been bottling up since last night.

“I don’t love what I saw in those videos, but with the way Andy was going on about it, I got the sense that there was more to the story. I can accept that it was something you did, but that it’s not who you are.”

Fuck. Yes. Okay. I can deal with neutral acceptance. Deeper trust will come with time.

I grasp for a subject change now that I know she’s not running away in terror or basing her impression of me on those videos alone.

“That was the night Maddie and my brother first hooked up, you know.”

She looks up at me in mock-horror when I wag my eyebrows in amusement.

“That’s probably too much information considering I just met them a few hours ago…”

“Get used to it, angel. You’re gonna hear plenty more about them if we’re doing this for real.”