Page 48 of From Ice to Home (The Heart of a Ranger #1)

Father, I need you now more than ever. I can’t fight this battle alone.

Please, do not let my anger and frustration pour out toward my teammates, instead help me to bring everything to You.

I believe that you brought me here. You brought me to this team and you brought me and Hannah together.

Which means you know I have it in me to be who I need to be, both for the team and for my wife.

Let your Spirit guide me through this. Be there, whenever I talk to Hannah, so that every word coming out of my mouth helps to build our marriage instead of tear it down.

I can’t do any of this without You, otherwise I’ll fail. And I can’t fail.

Taking another deep breath, I feel a sense of peace settle over me. My phone pings in my cubby behind me. For a moment I hesitate, contemplating leaving it until after the morning skate. I need to get my head on tonight’s game.

But what if it’s Hannah?

Getting up, I check the message. It’s from Harry.

Have you seen this? https://nhl.com/No-Ring-No-Vanouver

Opening the text message, I find a link attached to another article.

First no ring, and now, no Vancouver. Trouble in Paradise?

I resist the urge to whirl my phone across the room. How am I supposed to ease Hannah’s mind when she’s flooded with these types of sensation seeking stories not even a week into our marriage. I pull up Hannah’s name and dial the number, hoping that she’ll answer this time.

“Hi,” she says, her voice soft and I close my eyes, my forehead resting against my cubby.

“You saw the article,” I say, my voice sounding no better than hers.

“I saw it, Luke.”

I sigh, lowering my voice to get more privacy. “Sanders, you know the truth about what’s between us. Don’t you?”

“I do.”

I can’t help but smile at those words, reminding me of the night she agreed to be my wife. Looking over my shoulder, most of the guys are moving out. I have a minute at best before I need to go.

“Tell me you’re not stressed out about this, please?” I ask, needing to know she’s alright. Although, I wish I was in front of her, so I’d be able to read her face and every detail of her expression when she answers. I’m sure that’s all that will ease my own mind right now.

She sighs deeply. “I’m not thrilled about it, Luke, but what can we do? You are who you are, which means everything we do is going to be zeroed in on. And me not wearing a ring…it was bound to happen,” she says. “I’m just sorry that you’re hit with all of this in the playoffs. You don’t need this.”

Everything she’s saying is true. But still, the thing that’s stuck in my mind is the fact that everyone saw she wasn’t wearing a ring—it was live during the interview.

I’ve wondered about it too. After last night, after she said she wants to do everything to make this work, even give up her job in Durham, why isn’t she wearing it?

“Luke?” she asks after I’m silent for too long.

“I’m here,” I say, debating whether or not I should bring it up.

And if I do, is now the absolute best time to do it?

I know the answer is ‘no’. I’m a pro-athlete, not an idiot.

I have to get on the ice and focus. But I also know I won’t be able to focus on preparing for the game if I’m constantly worrying about what’s going on between us.

“Sanders, why aren’t you wearing your ring?” I ask, my chest feeling lighter now that the question is finally free. “You said you’re all in, why not wear it then?”

There’s a moment of silence, a moment that feels like an eternity, before she says, “I meant it when I said I was all in, Luke. I want to be your wife in every way, I want to be the wife you deserve.”

Relief floods my system hearing her reaffirm those things. I didn’t think I needed to hear it. I didn’t think I had this much doubt inside of me regarding our marriage. But clearly her not wearing her wedding ring means something .

But what?

“And I want to be the husband you deserve,” I tell her, meaning every word and hoping she hears the truth of it. “I want to be worthy of everything you’re changing for us.”

“I know,” she says. “That’s exactly what I want too.”

If we want the same thing, then what’s holding her back?

“Call me later, okay?” she says, before I can ask another question.

The silent plea in her voice digs into my heart.

Hannah has always had an effect on me. I could never walk away from her, never do something that would hurt her.

All I want to do is be with her and make her happy.

Right now, it feels like I’m failing at that and it’s like a hot coal searing through my insides.

I want nothing more than to rip out the part of me that’s feeling this way.

But I can’t.

“Okay, talk to you later,” I concede, hoping the ache will go away long enough for me to do what I’m supposed to do here in Vancouver. I linger for half a second before finally pulling the phone from my ear. There’s so much more I want to say.

And I want to follow it up with kissing her senseless.

But it’ll have to wait.

“Unbelievable,” Nikolai’s voice comes from behind me. “This will be the first time I’m not the last one on the ice.”

Turning around I look into the Russian goalie’s angry blue eyes. I’m sure he’s going to be upset with me for a while after what I said. And now, while I’m threatening to ruin his pre-game ritual, it’s just making him more angry at me.

“You know I have to be the last one, Walker, move it.”

Grabbing my gloves and my stick, I head toward the door. “Yeah, yeah…I’m going.”

I’ll have to make things up to Niko at some point. But for now, hopefully he’ll channel it into the game tonight.

I’m supposed to be taking a nap.

Instead I find myself staring at the ceiling, counting the lines and failing miserably at quieting my mind enough to drift off.

Every part of playing in the NHL is demanding—even this.

And somehow, that’s always been a bit ridiculous to me.

I can handle a packed arena, the pressure of the final two minutes while playing with an empty net, the weight of expectations… but I can’t sleep on demand.

Not like EJ who has no such problem. Across the room, he’s sound asleep, his light snoring filling the space.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, willing my brain to shut down enough for sleep to take over.

But it won’t. Not when that article is still running through my head.

Not when I keep picturing Hannah’s ringless finger.

Not when I keep wondering if I’m going to be good enough tonight to give us the strong start we need in this final series.

Admitting defeat, I reach for my phone on the nightstand before dialing Hannah’s number.

“Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping?” Hannah answers, her voice laced with amusement.

A smile tugs at my lips. “You know I’ve never been very good at the nap part of hockey.”

“I remember,” she says, and I can hear the laughter in her tone. “Only this time I think the stakes are a bit higher. Your coach probably wouldn’t be too impressed if you ducked out to spend the afternoon with me. Remember when we went to the beach before your final game?”

“I remember.” There’s no way I could ever forget that afternoon. We got ice-cream, walked along the surf and talked about how we wanted to go to Norway and watch the Northern Lights while sleeping in a glass igloo. “Perhaps we should go to Norway for our honeymoon.”

She laughs on the other side. “We might be the first couple to head to snow for a honeymoon. ”

“If you ask me, it’s a smart move. You’d have to get real close so I could keep you warm.”

“Mm,” she says, “should’ve known you have an agenda.”

I close my eyes, sinking deeper into the sound of her voice. “What are you doing right now? Where are you?”

“I’m home, on the couch,” she says, a certain wistfulness in her voice.

Hearing her call it home, has my chest tightening. “I miss you so much,” I murmur, wishing she was here with me. “I want to play knowing you’re in the stands, wearing my number. And I want a good luck kiss…or three.”

“Well, I am wearing your number right now. And next time, I’ll be there with you.” I swear I can hear her smiling over the phone. “As for the kisses, you’ll just have to kiss me even more when you get back, you know, to make up for the ones you’re missing.”

The image of her on the couch, wearing my jersey, has me desperate to feel her close. To taste the warmth of her lips. “Is that a promise?”

“I promise,” she says softly. “After this I’ll be with you at every game. Home or away.”

I exhale, leaning back into my pillow. “I like the sound of that.”

A voice calls in the background. “Do you want mushrooms?”

“Yes, extra mushrooms,” Hannah replies. “And lots of cheese.”

“You have people over?” I ask, my brow furrowing.

“Yeah. Since I couldn’t be there, Avah said she’d watch the first two games with me.”

My gaze shifts to EJ, still curled up with his pillow.

His sister has been a constant presence for our team this past year, and knowing she’s there with Hannah makes something settle inside me.

I don’t want her to feel alone, or to feel like she wants to run back to her old life… the one without me in it.

“I’m glad you two get along, Sanders,” I say, sitting up. “It makes this whole thing feel a bit better.”

“You shouldn’t be so worried about me, Luke,” she says. “I promise I’m fine.”

EJ’s alarm blares on the nightstand. He groans and shifts, barely cracking an eye open. Getting up, I make my way to his phone and hit snooze. He usually builds in enough time to snooze at least five times.

“Nap time’s over,” I say, knowing the game is drawing closer and I don’t feel much better.

“Are you ready for tonight?” she asks. “Do you have your verse?”

I’m not sure if I’m ready for the game. My mind hasn’t been this scrambled in a long time and I’m hoping that it’ll clear the moment I step onto the ice.

“I have it,” I answer the question I can. “Already packed with the rest of my gear. What made you choose this verse?”

She packed two verses, clearly marked, one for each game. For tonight’s game it’s Hebrews 13:6.

“So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’”

“Because it’s all you need moving forward, Luke. As long as you have Him, nothing else matters,” she says and I let her words settle over me. “I’ll be praying for you tonight, and I can’t wait for you to get back.”

Her words are steady and sure, the way they always are when she talks about God or his Word. Hannah might sometimes doubt herself, but she never doubts God. It’s one of the reasons I’ve always loved her. Her faith is strong and it makes her strong in difficult times.

Even in the years we weren’t together, it always remained. Every city, every game…it’s always been Hannah. I didn’t realize how much I missed her, missed her words of encouragement, her words of faith, until she walked back into my life.

“I’ll call you after, okay?”

“Okay,” she says, her voice soft. “Goodbye, Luke.”

I listen for a few seconds as the line goes dead. I almost didn’t make it the first time Hannah walked away from me, and now the thought of losing her is something I can’t even consider.

And yet, the fear of losing her again presses harder than anything I’ll face on the ice.