Page 23 of From Ice to Home (The Heart of a Ranger #1)

I drop my gaze, landing on the Saint Bernard and its giant brown eyes looking at me like it too is expecting me to answer the impossible question Lucas is posing.

My heart twists, my mind screaming at me to run and hide and go back to what I know…

while my heart is telling me something completely different.

“I don’t have the answers, Luke. If I did…

” I trail off, swallowing the lump in my throat and wiping at the tears threatening to fall.

“I’m here. I know this is where I’m supposed to be, no matter how much it might scare me.

I don’t believe in divorce, and I know you don’t either.

But I could never handle ru ining your life—it would break me.

So, if me staying is doing that, tell me. Then I’ll go.”

He takes a moment to think, a moment that feels too long.

The tension between us is thick and unbearable.

He takes off his cap, runs his hand through his hair before hurling his cap toward the porch with a growl.

The dog rushes after it, picks it up and settles in on the porch, gently nibbling on its new prize.

In a heartbeat Lucas steps forward, his hands reaching for me—gripping my arms with a desperation that sends a shiver through me. His breath comes heavy, his chest rising and falling rapidly. Lucas’s eyes lock on mine, and for a moment, I see everything he’s holding back.

“Sanders, you’re not the only one who messed up here. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was in control and that I had discipline…that I was a man of integrity. Then I saw you in that restaurant.” His gaze desperately searches mine. “Now it feels like I’ve been lying to myself.”

My heart is pounding in my chest. He’s so close and yet it feels like we’re miles apart. Somehow we’ve managed to make a mess of things and it’s hanging between us, heavy and foreboding.

“I know,” I say, swallowing hard. “I never wanted that for you, Luke. I want you to be happy, to live your dream. I don’t want to ruin your career or the life you’ve built for yourself. And somehow I’ve done that by pulling you into chaos when we ran into each other.”

For a moment, Lucas just stares at me, his expression unreadable. Then he shakes his head, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Are you really standing there, telling me that you’re the one who pulled me into that chapel?” he asks, his eyes dip to my lips, and my breath catches, the fluttering in my stomach betraying the chaos in my heart.

I swallow hard, the memory of that night rushing back.

I’ve recounted that night so many times over the past week, the memories vivid and unrelenting.

No matter how many times I try to piece it together, I can’t find the moment it went off course.

That night—every decision, every word, every look—felt so right, like everything was finally falling into place.

But now?

Now it feels like we’re standing on the wreckage of our impulsive decisions.

I hesitate for a moment, unable to meet his gaze. “I know I went willingly. I wanted to be there, Luke, I knew what I was walking toward when I walked down that aisle.” I bite my lip, looking back up at him. “And yet we’re both here, with everything between us tangled and messy.”

Lucas exhales sharply, dropping his hands from my arms, the warmth of his touch suddenly gone.

“I never wanted things to be like this,” he says, his voice softening.

His words leave me cold. The feeling of doubt just settling more. Fear that I somehow bound him to me when it’s something he never wanted.

He must be reading the hopelessness on my face, because his fingers gently nudge my chin upward, forcing me to see the vulnerability and pain in his dark gaze.

“What I mean, Sanders, is that I never thought I’d be standing here, trying to figure out how we got married…and that us together would cause so much uncertainty.”

“I know.” My heart sinks a little, filled with sadness for the both of us.

“What should be something wonderful somehow became…” I falter, unsure of how to finish the thought.

“Complicated. But I know we can figure this out Lucas. We need to figure this out, because we made a promise. I never thought I’d be facing the possibility of divorce, especially not from you.

But when you told me that you’d get in touch with your lawyers…

it’s not what I want. Yes, everything is unclear and awkward, but I just know divorce will be worse. ”

Lucas searches my eyes, weighing my words carefully.

“What are you saying, Sanders?”

“I’m saying that I have no idea what I’m doing.” My voice cracks. “I don’t know how to be a wife, much less your wife. I’ve already failed in so many ways and I’m scared that I’ll do it over and over again. You don’t deserve that Lucas.”

His brow furrows and he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, his touch sending warmth through my entire being.

“And you don’t deserve what you’ve gotten from me, either,” He says, his expression hardening with resolve. “Sanders, this is where we make the decision. No turning back.”

I search his eyes, looking for some kind of assurance that this is what he really wants. He takes a small step toward me, and I do the same, my breath catching at his closeness.

“I’m here, aren’t I?” I say, my voice almost a whisper as I take another step closer.

He reaches for me, pulling me closer. Being in his arms has always felt right, that was never the problem. With him holding me, everything else just…fades.

Which is both the comfort and the danger of it.

“I know,” he says into my hair, his voice vulnerable. “What I’m asking is if you’ll stay?”

I pull away from his chest, looking into his dark eyes. Making the decision now…I mean it with everything inside of me. “I’m staying, Luke.”

He pulls me closer again, pressing a kiss against my forehead. His hand slips into mine, steady and sure.

“Okay, then,” he says, his voice barely a whisper. “Let’s do this.”