Page 26 of From Ice to Home (The Heart of a Ranger #1)

HANNAH

“ Y ou’re married, Hannah?” my mom says, tears filling her eyes as she looks at me.

The sight of the hurt in her expression has my own tears burning in my eyes. Shame and guilt floods me as I look down, unable to face the way I’ve hurt my family.

After I spoke to Lucas, he immediately went to talk to Dad while I came back home to tell my mom the truth about what happened.

Now, we’re sitting in the kitchen, the tea she started making untouched as she covers her mouth with her teatowel, trying to hide the grief that’s clearly etched into her features.

“I know it’s sudden…” I begin, not knowing what to say.

I don’t think there are words to take away what I’ve done.

The only thing I can do is explain and hope that God will bring healing to all of us.

“It wasn’t planned, Mom. It just happened.

I know that sounds impossible and…not like me.

But that's what happened. I don’t know how else to explain it. ”

She sniffs before turning away from me, reaching for the box of tissues on the counter. The distance between us feels enormous right now and it’s horrible. I’ve always felt closest to my mom, and the way I’ve hurt her seems unforgivable.

“I want you to know that I’m happy for you,” she says, her voice thick with unshed tears, her back still facing me.

She takes a deep breath, the kind that makes you think it’s all that’s holding her together right now.

“If Lucas is the man you love and the man you chose to spend your life with, then I’m happy for you, Hannah.

” Her voice wavers, as more tears threaten to take over.

“I just wish… I would have really loved to be there on the day of your wedding.”

I don’t even know how to respond. Of course she would have wanted to be there with me the day I got married.

That’s the way I always imagined it to be, with my mom helping me get ready, her gentle hands fixing my hair or adjusting my veil.

My little sister would be my maid of honor, clutching my flowers while telling us to hurry up.

But somehow my dream wedding flew out the window when I was faced with the choice of marrying Lucas, or losing him again.

Her words echo through my mind. ‘If he’s the man you love…’

I wouldn’t have walked into that chapel with him if I didn’t want to be married to him, if I didn’t long for having him back in my life.

But hearing someone else give voice to the emotions in my heart feels strange.

I haven’t said it out loud, I haven’t even told Lucas how I really feel about him—how I’ve always felt about him.

“I never meant to hurt you, Mom. Not you or Dad. I don’t know how to explain my decisions.

I’ve spent the entire week going over every detail in my mind, about how that night went and how we ended up in that chapel.

” I take a seat at the kitchen table, looking down at my hands, my gaze landing on my empty ring finger.

“It’s like the Hannah I’ve always been wasn’t the one steering the ship that night. ”

My mom turns back toward me, wiping at her eyes with her tissue, sniffing and gathering herself. She walks toward the kettle to finish the tea in silence. The rhythmic clink of the teaspoon against the cup is the only sound filling the kitchen.

It’s hard to think that I’ve somehow fallen from the daughter everyone could depend on—the responsible one—to the one who now has deeply disappointed her mother.

“Do you need any help with that?” I ask when the silence between us stretches too long. “You could sit while I make it?”

“No, it’s fine honey,” she says, not an ounce of anger in her voice. “Making tea helps.”

I wipe the tear from my own cheek watching as the woman who’s always been my anchor trying, even now, to comfort me despite the mess I’ve made.

“Where’s Lucas now?” she asks, finally placing a cup of hot tea in front of me before taking a seat at the table too. “I mean after this morning…am I wrong to assume that things between you two aren’t so good?”

I take a deep breath, recounting the fear that took over when I watched him drive away from me. Somehow this week is filled with the worst decision-making on my part.

“I spoke to him after our talk this morning,” I tell her, wrapping my hands around the cup of cinnamon and honey tea.

“What you told me earlier, about you and Dad and how he reminded you about the covenant you made, made me realize that there’s no backing away from this. No matter how scared I may be.”

My mom smiles behind her cup as she lifts it to her mouth. “Just shows how God is behind so many of the things we do and say.” She takes a small sip before placing her cup back down. “If that’s what you needed to hear to get your head on straight, then that’s good.”

I meet her green eyes, so much like my own, hoping she’ll see my sincerity. “I’m not proud of running, Mom. I shouldn’t have left him there. It wasn’t the right thing to do.” I sigh. “A lot of things I’ve done and said this past week haven't been the right thing. ”

She reaches out. “Oh, Hannah. I know. I know the feeling, really I do. But you’re human.

You need to give yourself some grace. Remember that verse in Romans?

The one that reminds you that God makes all things work together for those who love Him?

That tells you that life won’t be easy. Our decisions and the consequences won’t always be perfect.

But despite all that, we have to trust in God’s plan for us. ”

A sense of relief fills me knowing she’s right. There’s nothing I can do that God can’t fix or make beautiful if that’s His plan and purpose.

“This is going to be hard,” I tell her, my fingers tightening around the cup in front of me.

“Yes, it is,” she says in all seriousness, her gaze fixed on me. I kind of hoped she would tell me something different.

“I have no idea how we’re going to do this,” I admit, the idea of being married daunting.

“I don’t know the first thing about being a wife, never mind a hockey wife.

What if I’m not cut out for this…” I whisper, giving words to my worst fear.

“When I look at how you do things, you’ve always made everything look so easy.

But now, facing this giant mountain of newness and uncertainty, I have no idea what’s coming next. So, how do I prepare for it?”

My voice sounds small and I hate that I’m having a moment of weakness.

I don’t understand where any of this is coming from.

I’ve been the big sister, the eldest daughter, the one everyone came to for help.

I’ve always known that I wanted to be strong and independent.

I wanted to start my own life, build something on my own.

And now that I have made a decision without my family, ready to start something new…I’m scared.

“You pray, Hannah,” she says, her brows knitting together like it’s the obvious answer I didn’t think of.

“You read your Bible and you make sure your feet are planted firmly on the Rock of Ages. The truth is your husband will fail and you will fail too. But God won’t.

Don’t build the foundation of your marriage on each other, because if one crumbles, it will all fall apart.

And you’re human—you will make mistakes and I’m sure Lucas will too.

But that’s a part of life and a part of marriage, that’s what makes it hard. ”

I hate failing.

I hate feeling like I’m not enough.

And having my mother tell me that that is exactly what my life will be in this marriage is not stirring up hope or peace, but rather a sense of stubborness. Like I want to prove her wrong.

Before I can tell her that, she frowns. “Does your dad know?” she asks.

Thinking about how Lucas wanted to talk to my dad alone has anxiety flaring inside of me. I know it’s something he feels he needs to do, but now my dad will hear about our marriage from someone other than me. I’m not sure how he’s going to take it.

I nod. “Lucas wanted to talk to Dad. He dropped me off before heading to the campsite.”

My mom blows out a breath, getting up and taking both our cups to the sink.

“This is definitely not the day either of us expected it was going to be,” she places the cups in the hot soapy water before turning back to me. “I suppose they’ll be home for dinner soon then, we should probably get something started.”

I didn’t even think about dinner. With everything that’s going on, it’s like my mind has cut everything into bite-size little pieces. If I allow myself to think about everything that’s going on, I might spontaneously combust.

“I still have to tell everyone else,” I realize out loud. “Essie is not going to take this well.”

My mom moves toward me, pulling me in for a hug. “She’s your sister. It might be tough sometimes, but in the end we’re all there for each other. We love you Hannah, nothing you can do will ever change that.”

She releases me and heads toward the fridge, her hands reaching instinctively for the ingredients to my dad’s favourite chicken alfredo.

I’ve spent so many evenings with her in this kitchen, making dinner and helping her bake various snacks and cakes for church or bible study.

I know I haven’t been home for so long, but the thought of not ever coming back hits me.

This is no longer my home. I won’t live here anymore.

I’ll live with Lucas.

At least I think that’s what’s going to happen.

All of my things are still in Durham. I have a job that’s waiting for me, and an apartment I just signed another lease on.

As a sense of panic reaches for me, the kitchen door swings open, revealing my dad standing there with an unreadable expression on his face.

“Dad,” I say carefully, not knowing how the talk with Lucas went. I’m not sure what I’ll do if things went badly. My dad looks toward my mom, whose eyes instantly fill up with tears again as she looks back at him.