Page 68 of Forgive Me, Father

“I don’t care,” she muttered, her voice cracking.“You can have your mistresses, cut them up.I don’t care.”

I grabbed her wrists and pushed them above her head.“Stop saying that you don’t care.I know you do.Because I do care about you.More than I fucking should.”

“You can do whatever you want.”She closed her eyes and a single tear slid along her cheek.

My fucking dead heart cracked wide open.The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her.

“Stop saying that!”I shouted, my voice raw with frustration.The urge to shake her, to pull her out of this wall she’d built around herself, surged through every inch of me.“I’m trying to be real with you, to show you who Ireallyam, and all you do is throw it back in my face, saying you don’t care!”

She fell silent, her lips pressed tight, and I could feel the distance growing between us with every second she stayed quiet.

“I’m a fucking mess, Camilla,” I said, my voice strained.“I didn’t ask to be this way, to be this sick fuck, to be different.I never wanted this.But you must understand that being first in line comes with its own weight.The responsibility of ruling it all one day.I need the dungeon.It’s my outlet.I know you don’t understand that right now.”

She swallowed hard.

“I should have told you.I should’ve been honest where I was but how do I even begin telling you something like that?Tell me how and I will say I’m fucking sorry.I wish I were different.I didn’t think that I would feel this way about you.I’m sorry.”Tears welled up in my eyes.It blurred her face from me.“Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do.You wouldn’t have understood this.”

“How does Simi know?”

“My mother told her.”

“What?”

“I told you, it’s messed up.”

“Your mother knows about this?”

I nodded.“She knew about this and they groomed Simi for my needs.To look the other way.”

“That is what you want from me?To look the other way.”Tears choked her voice, and I couldn’t stand it.

I hated this.I hatedwhoI was.The demon inside of me clawed at my insides, demanding to be fed.And I would be a bigger mess if I didn’t give in.I could never explain it, never fully understand it.Some called me a sociopath, but that label didn’t fit.

I wasn’t a psychopath either.But damn it, I was sadistic.And no matter how much I loathed myself for it, it was a part of me that wouldn’t let go.

“I can’t be normal without it.I wish I could, but it doesn’t work like that.”

She sniffed and her lower lip trembled.

I lowered my head to hers, my voice low and raw."If I could stop, I would.I’d stop for you."My lips brushed her forehead, and I inhaled deeply, trying to hold on to the moment before it shattered.I wiped away my own tears as I climbed off her, off the bed.I turned to leave, my heart breaking with every step.

Her soft cries echoed through the silence, stabbing deep into me.

I didn’t love any of the women I’d done this to.But I did need them to have a normal functioning relationship with someone like Camilla.

I tossed and turned that night, the weight of my thoughts pressing down harder than I ever expected.Maybe I should’ve married Simi.We didn’t love each other, and my life would’ve been simpler.No, not simpler, easier.

Camilla made it better.She made me want to be better.

I got out of bed and crossed the passage down to the bar to pour myself a whiskey, the amber liquid catching the light.

Sliding open the balcony door, I stepped out as a cool, humid breeze swept through, threading its way into my hair and across my skin.

I sat back in the deck chair, a glass of whiskey in hand, watching the waves roll gently beneath the soft glow of dawn.

The warmth of the drink did nothing to soothe the cold in my chest.I didn’t know if my wife would ever let me touch her again, let alone forgive me for everything I’d put her through.

I closed my eyes, letting the soft morning rays kiss my skin, wishing for the impossible: to stop hurting the people I cared about, to be someone who didn’t break everything in his path.I wanted to be normal.And yet, in that moment, I knew I never would be.