Page 64 of Forgive Me, Father

"Cami, it’s not what you think."

"Not what I think?Fuck you."I could feel the sting of tears threatening, and I hated myself for it.How had I let it come to this?Not what I think?He was with another woman, cheating on me!

I’d known it, deep down.It had all felt too perfect, too good to be true.What I thought was something real was just a business arrangement, and whatever connection existed between us?Apparently, he was sharing it with however many other women he chose.

I wish I hadn’t drunk that morning-after tablet.Maybe I could’ve given him an heir and have nothing to do with him anymore.

Tears blurred my sight.My heart felt as if it had shattered.All those nights we spend in each other’s arms.Why does this hurt so much?We weren’t like that.He didn’t love me, and I didn’t love him.This shouldn’t hurt so fucking much.

I cried until my eyes burned in the bathroom.Knocking came at the bedroom door, loud, insistent, but I didn’t move.I wasn’t going to open it.I didn’t care what anyone had to say.

Not Loretta.Not Fiona.I didn’t give a rat’s ass about any of it.

More sobs racked my body.I just wanted to go home.

I was exhausted from this endless rollercoaster, trapped in a ride I didn’t sign up for.I didn’t know how I could survive one more day of it, let alone the next ten years.

How did my life become so complicated?So fast.

The tears kept spilling from my face.Lying fucking son of a bitch.

I fell asleep on the tiles after crying my heart out and dreamt about my mother, who groomed me for a Don husband since the age of ten.

"A Don husband isn’t always fair, sweetheart,"she had said, her voice quivering as she brushed my hair sitting in front of the mirror."But if you obey them, give them children, you can have a wonderful life."She’d blinked rapidly, trying desperately to hide the tears threatening to fall."It’s what we do.It’s why we’re made.To serve them.To look the other way when it comes to their needs."

I nodded, not fully understanding at the time, but thinking I did.

Now, I understood.This,this, was what she meant.The tears she hid, the nights she fought with my father, only to surrender in the end.The Dons took everything.Everything.Until there was nothing left.

A knock came at the door again.I lifted my head to look up.

“Camilla, open the door.”Alfonso’s voice came from the other side.

I didn’t answer, just let my head fall back onto the cold tile and closed my eyes again.If I didn’t have to face him, I didn’t have to sacrifice every part of myself to keep my asshole husband happy.I didn’t have to admit that I wasn’t enough for him, that he needed another woman to fulfill what I couldn’t.

Fiona’s voice followed and I didn’t understand what they said but I could tell the beast in him was awake and it wasn’t my doing this time.

“Camilla!”he ordered again.I didn’t care.

Loud thumps came from the door.It turned more violent and then the door crashed open.I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

“Camilla,” his voice was right in front of me.I didn’t even stir.

Fiona asked something behind him, and he ordered something in Italian.I really should learn this language.

“Camilla, sweetheart, wake up.”He spoke in a gentler tone.

I pretended to wake up and looked at him.I just stared at him.Maybe I should do nothing.I would be in this business deal for ten years.

“Hey, Bas called.”

I got up and shook my head.

“It’s not what you think, okay?”

“Then why didn’t you tell me about her, Alfonso.Why do I have to hear it from Simi?For all I know, it’s the same woman you were betrothed to marry.”

“I didn’t think she was going to be here,” he said with a frown, not answering my question.