Page 6 of Forbidden Billionaires, Vol. 9

“Ah!” screamed Ash at the sound of the giant present tearing open.

“Congratulations on birth of Christ!” yelled Slavanka as she pushed the torn wrapping paper aside.

Ash screamed again and tried to knock Slavanka’s head off with a roll of wrapping paper. Slavanka just stood there and took it right in the face. And then she yanked the roll out of Ash’s hand and hit her in the head too.

“You celebrate with Christmas beating too? I no realize.” Slavanka looked so happy as she handed the wrapping paper back to Ash. “You hit again? Harder, like I home in Russia.”

I was about to tell her that beating each other with wrapping paper wasn’t an American Christmas tradition. But then I realized it was more fun not to correct her.

“Merry Christmas, Slavanka!” I said and gave her a big hug. “I was wondering when you’d pop out.”

“Sorry, I fall sleep. Present very comfy. Remind me of childhood when I bad and Papa put me in bear cage.”

“Like…with the bear?” asked Ash.

Slavanka waved her off. “Not important.”

“It feels very important. It’s the difference between a slightly unorthodox punishment and child murder.”

“Speaking of murder,” I said. “Let’s get started on our battle plan.” I grabbed the wrapping paper and rolled it out on the table with the white back showing.

“Who we fight?” asked Slavanka.

I explained the situation to her while I sketched a rough map of the resort. I’d been there every Christmas since I was little, so I knew the place inside and out.

“Okay,” said Ash as she looked over the map I’d drawn. “The first thing jumping out at me are those ski lift cables.”

“Gotta cut them,” agreed Rosalie. “But not all the way. Just like 75%. And then when Isabella gets on…” She made a popping noise and then mimed a ski lift dropping to the ground and exploding.

I looked back and forth between them.

“What?” asked Ash.

“Just surprised by the level of violence. I would have expected that more from Slavanka.”

“When I was young I was scared of getting murdered in my sleep,” said Ash. “So Rosalie and I did drills for how we’d take down an intruder.”

“Yup,” said Rosalie. “We came up with the perfect plan. I’d throw glitter in their eyes while Ash ran them through with a curtain rod.”

Fascinating. “Got it.” I drew some wire cutters next to the ski lift on the map. “What about you, Slavanka? Any ideas?”

“Landmine on ski slope.”

Ash nodded approvingly. “Are we going with a Claymore to take her out while she’s skiing? Or are you thinking a classic anti-tank mine?”

“Yes, yes,” replied Slavanka.

So both, then? “I’m loving this energy, but Home Alone is really more about using household items rather than military grade explosives. So try to think about things you’d have at a ski resort.”

“Okay.” Slavanka pointed to one of the guest rooms on the map. “Tie bear to bedpost.” Then she moved her finger to the bathroom. “Make hot tub into waterboard.” And then outside to the slopes. “Sharpen skis on rock and put at bottom of pitfall trap.”

“The ground might be too frozen to dig a hole.”

Slavanka pointed to the snowmobile rental garage. “Car bomb in snowmobile.”

“Yes! Amazing!” said Ash.

Annnnd we’re back to the explosives. But Daddy did always have some car bombs in storage for a rainy day, so I drew one on the map by the snowmobiles.

Although I couldn’t exactly call Daddy and tell him to meet me at the resort with a car bomb.

Then he’d know I was coming. We needed to focus on things that we’d be bringing ourselves. Like…

“How about we hide a dildo on the ski slopes?” I suggested. “Hit one of those going fifty miles per hour and you could easily break your ankle.”

“Nice one,” said Rosalie as I drew a twelve-incher near the bottom of the main slope. “We could also lube up the lobby floors.”

I drew a bottle of lube spilling all over the lobby.

“Hairspray blowtorch,” said Slavanka.

“Oh!” said Ash. “I love that. Also, I have an idea! We could sharpen all our heels and hide them in Isabella’s mattress.

When she lies down…” Ash grabbed a Christmas cookie and smashed it down on her finger, presumably trying to show what would happen to Isabella when she lay down on her stiletto bed.

But instead she just jammed her finger. “Ow.”

“That give me idea,” said Slavanka. “We drop safe off balcony. Isabella go smoosh like Ash’s finger.”

“This isn’t a motel,” I said. “The safes are all built into the walls.”

“What if we rig a series of hairdryers to the gutters so that they melt the tops of icicles and make them fall and impale her?” suggested Ash.

“Or better yet, let’s put a tripwire at the bottom of the stairs and when Isabella hits it, one of those luggage carts will fall down the stairs and push her into the hot tub. ”

“Where we waterboard,” added Slavanka.

Ash nodded. “Or we could turn the water temperature up to 200 degrees. Boil that bitch alive!”

I laughed and drew as fast as I could. Ash was really getting into this.

“Wait!” yelled Ash. “I have it. The ultimate trap.” She grabbed the sharpie out of my hand and started drawing.

Huh? I tilted my head to see if that would help make her vision clear. But it didn’t. Slavanka and Rosalie looked equally confused.

“We’re going to surprise her with an extraordinarily hairy penis?” Seriously, why was it so hairy? A little hair at the base would have been fine, but the entire dick she’d drawn was covered in long, straight hairs sticking straight out from base to tip.

“No,” she said as she drew another one. And another.

“Lots of hairy dicks then?” I asked.

“No! Centipedes! Centipedes everywhere!” Ash shivered as she said it. And then her face went pale. “Wait. How are we gonna prevent them from getting us too?!” She furiously crossed them all out on the map.

“We stand on chair,” said Slavanka.

I nodded. “That’s actually a pretty great solution.

But you do bring up a good point, Ash. If this was a true Home Alone situation and it was just us against Isabella, these ideas would all be dynamite.

But there are going to be tons of people there.

It would be super easy for an innocent civilian to get caught in any of these traps.

And killing the troops there would be a big no-no.

” I tore the map off the rest of the roll and tossed it into the trash.

Or maybe it was the mail bin? Ghostie and Teddybear had put so many decorations everywhere that it was impossible to tell the difference.

“Troops?” asked Ash.

“Yeah,” I said. “This resort is near an American military base in Germany. So it’s always been a popular place for them to go for R&R.

But it really got popular a few years back when someone started a rumor that sexy elves deliver presents to troops staying there.

And if the troops catch the sexy elves, they get to do sexy things to them. It was me. I started the rumor.”

“Could we get the troops to protect us?” asked Ash. “We could dress up like the sexy elves and…”

“Ash! You’re a genius!”

“So the troops will kill Isabella for us?”

“No. But you gave me an idea of how we could get the Chadwicks and Locatellis to agree to an alliance.” I rolled out more of the wrapping paper and started sketching.

“Let’s stage a competition to see who can sneakily deliver the most gifts to the troops on Christmas Eve.

I’ll be on a team with Chad and the Banana King.

And when we win, they’ll see how well we all work together.

Then they’ll want to join us in an alliance against Crazy Isabella. ”

“Chad penis too small for sexy package delivery,” said Slavanka.

“Good point. I’ll have the Chadwick’s underboss be on the team instead.” I crossed Chad out and replaced him with their sexy underboss.

“Won’t they recognize eachother and refuse to participate?” asked Ash.

“Another good point,” I said. “But we can get around that by putting them in sexy elf masks.” I drew a little elf hat and mask on each of the figures.

Ash gave me a look. “Sexy elf masks? Is that a thing? I don’t think of Christmas elves as sexy.”

“Well you need to watch Stuffing Mrs. Claus , then,” I said, pointing to the DVD she’d gotten from her sister.

“I’m sure Justin can whip something up for us.

” He was a master at making sexy women’s clothes and he wasn’t even attracted to girls.

I couldn’t wait to see what he’d do with sexy menswear.

“Do we have to wear the sexy elf masks too?”

Hmmm. The masks I’d drawn were sexy, but in a manly way. “We’ll wear ski masks,” I said as I drew us on the wrapping paper. “But we’ll have the tops cut off so our hair can still show. It’ll be hot.”

“Perfect,” said Ash. “So you’ll have mobsters on your team. Who will be on my team?”

“You sure you want to come? This could get pretty dangerous.”

“I can’t just let you walk into the lions’ den all alone. I’m your ride or die bitch.”

“Yeah you are!” I high fived her.

“I just have one condition.”

“Anything.”

“If I come, I want a ski suit that tears away super easily. If some fucker tries to kidnap me again, I want my suit to tear right off like it’s a lizard’s tail being grabbed by a toddler.”

“You got it,” I said.

“Then I’m there. So who’s gonna be on my team?”

“Uh…” I snapped my fingers. “I’ll call some of my brothers at the Gryphon Club. I’m sure they’ll be down. And they’ll be good muscle in case it turns into a Christmas morning massacre.” I drew Flash, Adonis, and Master Hung, taking particular care to accurately portray their enormous cocks.

“I get big strong German man on my team,” said Slavanka. “You know old saying: German man do anything for Christmas present.”

Is that a saying?

“Speaking of Christmas presents,” said Rosalie. “Why don’t you just give the other families nice Christmas presents? That always brings people together.”

“Shit! You’re brilliant. How did we not think of that sooner?” I tore off my drawings and tossed them into the trash next to the Home Alone plans. “Okay… What do you give a mafia boss who has everything?”

“Dead horse head in bed,” said Slavanka.

“You’re not wrong. But that’s more of a threat than a peace offering.”

Ash nodded. “We could give them each a gingerbread house like the one upstairs. That thing was freaking delicious.”

She was right. It was delicious. But something told me that a mob boss wouldn’t take kindly to a cum-covered gingerbread house. “That seems a little generic. Let’s try to find something in the middle.”

Ash and Rosalie started throwing out ideas rapid fire.

“A fedora?”

“Cigars?”

“A three-piece suit?”

“Really good chicken parm?”

“Cement shoes?” suggested Slavanka.

“Oooh,” I said. “Those really are excellent for disposing of bodies in the Hudson. And they’re deceptively difficult to make.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t just pour cement into a standard shoe.

You need a nice steel toe so it doesn’t tear from the weight. And a little rebar can go a long way.”

“What about a baseball bat that’s extra good at breaking kneecaps?” said Ash.

“No, no,” said Slavanka. “Repeal RICO act.”

How the hell does Slavanka know about the RICO act? She could barely speak English. “That’s actually an amazing idea. But congress isn’t in session until after Christmas.”

Slavanka frowned. “Then we buy baseball bat. Extra thick to break kneecap better.”

“We could engrave them with motivational quotes,” added Ash. “Like… Snitches get stitches. Or… I’d hate for something to happen to this lovely shop of yours.”

“I’m not sure those qualify as motivational quotes, but I’m loving this idea. I think it’s the perfect gift if we add a device inside that can detect bugs.”

“Great idea,” said Ash. “That way no centipedes can catch them by surprise.”

What? No. I obviously meant listening devices. But we were basically on the same page. And we didn’t have any more time to dilly dally. “Perfect plan. Let’s get packing. We need to leave in a few hours if we’re going to have time to hit the slopes.”