Page 34 of Forbidden Billionaires, Vol. 9

“OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE THAT FOR ME!” yelled Ash.

“I do too!” I yelled back.

“I really lost my virginity to Santa? For real?”

I nodded.

“I haven’t believed all your stories about the Single Girl Rules, but this one seems legit.”

“It is.” And so are all the others. And they’re all equally epic.

“Ah!” Ash clapped her hands. “I’m such a ho for Santa. I sucked his candy cane! I guzzled his penis milk like it was hot chocolate! And I let him stuff me like a Christmas stocking! It’s everything I’d ever dreamed of since I was a little girl! I’m Santa’s little milk cow!”

Penis milk? And since she was a little girl? And she was still using milk cow wrong. But she looked so happy. “Yeah you are!”

“But also…why did I keep calling your daddy Daddy?” She cringed.

“Because that’s his name.”

She shook her head. “God, I think I still wear some of that lingerie Santa gave me. I never knew where it came from!”

“It was a gift from Santa for giving him the best Christmas Eve ever.”

“So he paid me in lingerie? I really am a ho! I’m going to be arrested for holiday prostitution!”

“Definitely not. It happened over a decade ago.”

“And I’m not sure what it says about me that I lost my virginity and then fucked six other dudes in the same night.”

“Don’t forget about the five Christmas elves.”

She put her face in her hands. “Oh my God. I’m such a slut. I let all those elves run train on me. And I’m not even sure why I know what that means! Where did that even come from? It’s like when I asked Cole to raw dog me in the woods at The Society summer camp.”

Sorry, say what? I wasn’t sure she’d told me about that. And certainly not in those exact words. But that did seem like something that would happen at The Society. Those were good times.

“Oh my God,” she gasped. “My number must be so high.”

“Why?” I asked. “Anyone you fuck during an orgy doesn’t count. Honestly it hardly counted as losing your virginity, but since it was Santa I figured we could make an exception.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Hmm. Pretty sure it is. Otherwise I need to revise my previous statement about you having only touched 20 cocks before marrying Joe.”

“Oh my God. How many was it? Actually, no. I don’t want to know.

Do I have AIDS? I do, right? And gonorrhea?

And syphilis? I have them all. I must.” She was breathing so fast. “And how am I going to tell my husband about this without him freaking out? He’s not a big fan of Santa.

Maybe this explains why. Do you think he already knows? Oh God. I bet he knows.”

What the hell? Drunk Ash should not have been worried about such things.

I grabbed the flask of banana juice she’d promised to drink while I told her the story of how she lost her virginity.

It was still practically full. And the story had taken way longer than I thought it would to tell, so her other banana juice must have been wearing off.

Damn it!

My plans always worked. How had this one failed so miserably?

Now I was never going to trick her into telling me her secret.

She was definitely hiding something from me.

She said she didn’t have to follow the Single Girl Rules now that she was married.

But then she mentioned married women following something else… Gah!

I needed to know what was going on here. Maybe I could trick her into saying it again… “I’m sure he’ll be fine with it. And you don’t really have a choice. Single Girl Rule #6: Always kiss and tell.”

Ash waved me off. “I don’t follow those rules anymore. Because I’m not a single girl. I’m a married girl. So I follow…” She coughed.

Ah! There it was again!

“What do you follow?” I asked. Tell me!

“Traditional societal norms of marriage, of course.”

“No! You were about to say you follow the Married Girl Rules. Weren’t you?! Tell me everything.” I propped my elbows on the table and leaned forward.

She gave me an exaggerated look of confusion. “I have NO idea what you’re talking about. No one even refers to themselves as a married girl.”

“You’ve literally done it twice in the last…” I looked over at the clock. “Three hours. Wow, okay. That story really did take a while to tell.”

“Oh no! We’re late to the wedding!” Ash started fanning her arm pits.

I didn’t mind being fashionably late. It was practically a requirement for my own wedding. But it did seem strange that we hadn’t landed yet. I hit the call button to talk to the pilot.

No answer.

I hit it again.

And then things got crazy.

Metal blinds slammed down to block out the windows.

The lights flickered and turned red.

And the plane veered hard to the right.

“AHHHHH!” yelled Ash as she nearly flew out of her chair. The banana juice flask shot off the table and crashed into one of the TV screens. The screen switched on. And so did the rest of them. They were all showing one thing.

A cartoon of a giant laughing monkey head with a crown on it.

“What the fuck is happening?” asked Ash.

Huh. Plot twist. “I’m pretty sure we’ve just been kidnapped by the banana king.”

Her eyes got huge. “Please tell me this is all a prank. I don’t want to be kidnapped by the banana king again!”

“Nope. I have no idea what’s happening.”

“But why would he want to kidnap you? You made an alliance with him and got out of the family business, right? WAIT! I almost forgot. Did you seriously fake losing all your money? Have you secretly been rich this entire time?”

“Yup,” I said. “Daddy and I still have billions stashed in banks all around the world.”

“What the hell!? I was so worried about money for so long! How could you not tell me?”

“I thought you knew. Excellent acting, by the way. You really sold it. In fact, I thought about hosting a fake Oscars to give you an award for your acting. But, you know…we were pretending to be broke. And fake award ceremonies cost a lot of money. Which I totally had. But couldn’t spend.”

“But I didn’t know! And don’t keep saying it! The banana king could be listening!”

“You’re the one who brought it up. And anyway, the banana king knows I’m rich. He was one of the people that agreed to the plan.”

“Right. Well do you think he’s decided he wants a piece of all that money?”

“I don’t think so,” I said. “Last I heard he was doing pretty well for himself.”

“Then why bother to kidnap us?”

The screen flashed and some words appeared under the cartoon monkey mask: “You know what I want. You have one hour to give it to me.”

“Fine,” I sighed. “Can you help me out of my wedding dress? He definitely wants to see our boobs.”

Ash came over and loosened the top of my wedding dress enough for me to get my boobs free. I jiggled them at the screen.

But nothing happened.

“I bet he wants to see yours too,” I said. “He always did have a thing for you.”

“I can’t just show the banana king my boobs. I’m married!”

“Would you say you’re a married girl ?” I raised an eyebrow. “And as a married girl , would showing him your boobs be breaking a certain set of rules?” I stared into her soul, trying to figure out her secret.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because you have a secret that you’re not telling me! I just know it. You only get this sweaty when you have a secret.”

“I’m sweaty because we’ve been freaking kidnapped!” Ash grabbed part of her dress and wiped a ridiculous amount of sweat off her face.

“If you want him to let us free you just have to take your tits out. No big deal.”

“Gah, fine.” She hid her face with one hand and pulled her dress down with the other for half a second. “There!” she yelled at the TV. “Now let us free!”

The words on the screen changed: “Nice tits. But that’s not what I want. You have two more guesses.”

“Two more guesses?” asked Ash. “And then what?! Is he going to kill us? Or worse…unleash a centipede on this plane? That’s my third biggest fear.

The only thing worse would be if he made us late…

” Her eyes got huge. “Shit, we’re already late for the wedding.

My life is over. He should just kill us and put us out of our misery.

” She plopped back into her chair and opened her arms, inviting the final blow.

“The banana king isn’t gonna kill us. Because we’re gonna figure out what he wants.”

“And how are we going to do that? It could literally be anything.”

“Actually, I think it’s a pretty limited list.”

“How do you figure?”

“Well, we’re trapped on a plane,” I said, gesturing to our prison. “And he’s not here. So sexual favors are out. Which is odd, because the banana king loves getting his dick sucked.”

“I really think he wants money,” said Ash. She fished a twenty out of her purse and slapped it on the table. “Is this what you want?” she asked the screen.

The words on the screen changed again: “I don’t want your money. And why would you think that twenty dollars would be nearly enough?” There was a facepalm emoji at the end of the text. Another line appeared: “You have one more guess.”

“Let’s think this through,” I said. “What do we know about the banana king?”

“Uh… He has a huge dick. And he owns a bunch of hotels. And apparently he really wanted to take my virginity. Oh! And he loves size contests.”

“I think that’s a pretty reductive and frankly insulting view of a very complex man. Did you forget everything we learned about him at Slavanka’s wedding?”

“I literally had no idea that Slavanka was married until about two seconds ago. So yes, I forgot everything we learned about him.”

“You drank a lot of banana juice that weekend, so that makes sense.”

“Let’s just focus on the banana king. What did we learn about him?”

“So much.”

Ash stared at me. “Like…what?”

“Well for starters, we learned a ton about his Single Boy Rules.”

“Is there one about kidnapping a bride on her wedding day? Like Single Boy Rule #34: Always kidnap a bride on her wedding day and only let her free once she agrees to let you fuck her on her wedding night?”

“Wow. Not even close. Single Boy Rule #34 is: First dates are for making an emotional connection.”

“Well that’s a surprisingly nice rule and now I feel kind of bad for saying something so filthy. What else do we know about him?”

“How about I tell you the whole story of Slavanka’s wedding? It was quite a weekend. And I’m sure it holds the key to solving this riddle.”

“No! Chastity! Do not launch into another two-hour-long story! We’re already so late for your wedding. And now we have an hour time limit before the banana king kills us!”

“It all started one rainy evening when we were working late…”

***

Before you read about Chastity’s epic wedding, you need to meet the only couple worthy of catering such an event: Rory and Keira.

Keep reading to see how they met and fell in love in Playing A Player.