Page 31 of Forbidden Billionaires, Vol. 9

He took a big bite of monkey bread and let out a sigh.

“God that tastes good,” he said. “Or maybe I’m just able to enjoy everything more now that I’m sure we aren’t going to get attacked by Crazy Isabella.

I spoke with her father last night. He promised he’d make it very clear to her that she would have no place in his organization if she went through with the Christmas morning massacre.

But I’m not sure I was completely convinced that would deter her.

These though?” He held up the signed contracts.

“She may be crazy, but she’s not stupid enough to attack three families at the same time. ”

“My thoughts exactly.”

“In order for it to deter her, though, she has to know the alliance exists. Do you have a plan for that?”

“Already taken care of.” Before we’d gone to bed last night, Ghostie had sent an anonymous tip to one of Isabella’s guards.

Daddy nodded approvingly. “I’ve taught you well.”

One perfect present delivered, one to go.

I finished plating the monkey bread and brought some slices out to the great room.

“Ready to open your present?” I asked Chad as I handed him a plate.

“Absolutely.” He leaned over and whispered in my ear: “Are you sure it’s okay to open in front of everyone?”

I laughed and whistled. The door opened and Ghostie and Teddybear wheeled in a huuuuuuuge present.

Seriously. Huge. It was twelve feet long and seven feet tall.

But only about two inches thick. It took some maneuvering to get it down the hall and into the great room.

And we could have had a serious issue if the doors weren’t extra tall.

“What is it?” asked Chad.

“Open it and find out! Ah! I’m so nervous. I hope you love it!”

“I’m sure I will.” He kissed my forehead and walked over to his present.

I hoped he would go all caveman on it and rip the paper down the middle for the grand reveal. But that wasn’t really Chad’s style.

“I can’t find any tape,” he said as he slid his hand across the present looking for a seam.

“Just tear it,” I said. “Right down the middle.”

“But we should really save the paper…”

“Quit being so gay, son,” said Daddy.

Thank you!

Chad glared at him. “I really wish you wouldn’t keep saying that to me.”

Daddy glared back. “And I really wish I wouldn’t have to keep saying that to you. But alas…”

“Fine,” sighed Chad. He reached up and tore the present open.

“Whoa!” he yelled when he saw his present – the most stunning nude portrait ever painted. He tried to put the wrapping paper back over it. “I thought you said this was okay to open in front of everyone?!”

“It’s just a tasteful nude, babe. Don’t make it weird. Ghostie, Teddybear, can you help him?”

They grabbed the sides of paper and tore it off.

“What the fuck?!” yelled Chad.

When he’d first torn the paper, all he’d revealed was my right breast. But now he was seeing the painting in all its glory.

“Do you not like it?” I asked.

“No I don’t like it! Why would I like a painting of you giving thumbs up after taking cumshots from two huge cocks? And why did the artist make them black?”

Oooooh. He didn’t like it because he was a racist. I always had my suspicions about him… “Don’t blame the artist,” I said. “They were just staying true to the photo I sent them.”

“This was a photo?”

“Yup! From my banana party.” It was the photo that my girls had dared me to send to Chad. I’d been waiting for just the perfect way to present it to him. And what better way than to hire a world-class painter to make a larger-than-life oil painting of it that I could give to him for Christmas?

He balled his fists.

“Babe, why are you so mad? We asked you to strip that night, but you refused. And then I told you about all the rules that would definitely lead to me blowing a stripper.”

“I thought you were joking!”

“I never joke about the Single Girl Rules.”

“She doesn’t,” agreed Ash. “She’s very serious about them.” She lifted a satin thong out of a box. Her eyes grew round and she threw it behind her, hoping no one saw.

“Jesus,” muttered Chad. “Next thing I know you’re gonna tell me that my dream about you getting fucked by Santa wasn’t actually a dream.”

I felt like he was gonna be mad if I told him the truth. But also… Single Girl Rule #6: Always kiss and tell. “So about that…” I said. “It wasn’t actually a dream.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope! But you can’t be mad at me. Because everyone involved had eight-inch cocks. So I was honor-bound to let them do whatever they wanted to me. And it’s not like we’re married. Or even engaged.” I held up my tiny 2-carat promise ring.

“Yes we fucking are engaged!” he yelled.

“But we aren’t anymore. Fuck this. I’m done.

” He pulled a ring off his ring finger and threw it on the ground in the most dramatic way possible.

It would have been a boss move if he was a hot girl.

Or if we were actually engaged. But neither of those things were true, so it just made me giggle.

And why the hell was he wearing a promise ring? I had not given him that.

“Bye, bye, bitch boy,” said Slavanka as he stormed out.

Daddy blew Chad a kiss on his way out.

I smiled to myself. I hadn’t been looking forward to dumping Chad.

But thanks to me following Single Girl Rule #6, Chad had done it for me.

The Single Girl Rules always worked in such mysterious ways.

This was shaping up to be the best Christmas ever!

Especially because I still had TONS of presents to open.

Usually I’d be concerned that opening them all would make us late for the memorial service at the tower. But this Christmas, that didn’t seem like the worst thing that could happen. Because there was still a small chance that Crazy Isabella would try to massacre us there.

In fact, it was probably best to be late on purpose.

I glanced up at the clock. It was already 8:30, so I just had to make present opening last two hours. That felt do-able.

“Can I open the big one?” I asked, pointing to a box in the corner roughly the size of a new car.

“That’s up to you,” said Daddy.

Yay! Wait, no. I was supposed to be dragging this out. “Actually, I think I’ll wait until the end to open that one.” Instead, I opened a shoe box and pulled out the sickest pair of Odegaard gladiator boots. “Ah! The new spring line!”

Daddy smiled at me. “Fresh off the runways of Paris.”

“Your turn,” I said to Slavanka. I’d noticed a present to her from Santa.

She looked mildly amused as she opened it.

“Are those nesting dolls?” I asked. They looked like nesting dolls, but instead of being all colorful with a woman’s face painted on them, they were deep brown and had a terrifying monster face.

“No, no,” said Slavanka. “Nesting doll dumb child toy. This better. Krampus doll vomit naughty child.” She opened the outer shell and pulled out the next layer.

“Does he have a huge penis?” asked Ash. She said it like it was a totally normal question.

We all looked at her.

“Krampus is known for having a huge penis, right?” she said.

“I don’t believe that’s accurate,” said Daddy. “What strange fairy tales have you been reading?”

“For real?” she said. “I can picture it so clearly. He’s always drawn with a huge ding-a-ling. To punish the naughty children with. No? Wow. I don’t know how I got mixed up like that. I’m just gonna go walk outside and freeze myself to death now.”

I laughed. I knew exactly how she’d gotten mixed up like that. But now that her banana juice had worn off, she apparently had no recollection of mistaking Flash for Krampus and sucking his humungous cock.

“Wait!” said Slavanka as she inspected the doll inside of Krampus.

“Krampus not vomit naughty child. Krampus vomit Stalin!” She held up a grey doll with a sweet mustache.

And when she discovered that Lenin was inside of Stalin, I had a feeling we’d lost her for the entire morning.

“Best present ever,” she said as she cracked Lenin in half to get to the fourth doll.

Ash tried to use the distraction to slip outside and die, but I caught her arm.

“Wait,” I said. “It’s your turn to open a present.”

She reached for another one of the presents Santa had left her.

It was about the same size as the lingerie she’d opened.

And apparently it was lingerie too. Because she took one look inside the box, turned bright red, and snapped it shut.

“I think I’m just gonna open a different present…

” She grabbed one of the presents that had been in her stocking.

It was a tiny box. Too small to be lingerie.

Unless it was a truly miniscule G-string.

Ash tore it open to reveal a lavender box. “Plan B One-Step?” she read. And then her eyes got big as it registered what she’d just said. “I swear I didn’t put this on my Christmas list.”

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” said Daddy. “But it is better to be safe than sorry. Would you like a glass of water to wash that down with?”

“I’m very safe. I take birth control every day.

For hormones. Not for baby making. Or baby killing?

No, that doesn’t sound right. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t need it for sex.

Because I’m not sexually active. I mean, I can have sex.

My sex is activated. But I’m not using it.

Because I’m a good girl.” Her eyes were huge, but she couldn’t seem to close her mouth.

“Stop looking at me like that, Daddy!” She slowly lay backwards and then started stacking presents on top of herself.

Yeesh. That was a lot.

She stayed hidden until I unwrapped all the presents she was hiding under.

Which actually took a while. Because I was the only one opening presents.

I offered to let Slavanka take a turn, but she didn’t even hear me.

She was too busy pretending to have Stalin and Lenin disembowel a Gorbachev doll to punish him for his role in the dissolution of the Soviet Union.

“Girl, you need to start opening some more presents,” I said to Ash.

If she refused to open any more presents, Daddy might tell us to take a break and we’d accidentally be on time to the memorial.

“You’re falling behind.” I pointed to a giant stack of presents with her name on them.

And I knew she was going to love them, because I’d picked them out.

She hesitantly opened one. Her face lit up when she saw it was a bottle of Windex.

She ripped into another. “No way!” she said.

“A six pack of baking soda? Our mini fridge is gonna smell so fresh!” And then she was unstoppable.

She tore open present after present, loving each cleaning supply more than the last. And then she got to her big present. “Whoa,” she gasped. “Is this…”

“The Dust Demolisher 5000,” I said. “It sure it.” I knew she was going to loves these gifts. I’d never met someone so scared of germs.

“But how? It’s illegal in 194 countries.

Some critics say that it’s a safety hazard to include a flamethrower in a vacuum cleaner.

But it only gets activated if a carpet exceeds 16 ounces of dust per square yard.

And in that case, incinerating the carpet isn’t a safety hazard.

It’s a necessity. I cannot wait to bust this bad boy out on our carpet at school. ”

Say what now? I had not been aware of that feature when I’d paid to have it smuggled out of North Korea. She was gonna burn our dorm down!

“What a thoughtful gift,” said Daddy. “And speaking of thoughtful gifts…how about you open that big box, princess?” He checked his watch. “Then we need to take a break and start getting ready to head up to the tower to pay our respects to Grandpa.”

It was too early to open it. But I couldn’t wait any longer. I’d find another way to delay.

I ran over to the present. It wasn’t wrapped – it was just a beautiful box with a bow on top. Which was expected. My Christmas car always came in a box like this.

I pulled the bow on top and the box collapsed, kinda like the giant presents that the men had been hiding in last night.

But instead of having a man inside, this box contained a custom pink Bugatti. I ran my hand along the sleek mirrors.

“How do I look with it?” I asked as I posed on the hood.

“You look stunning, princess,” said Daddy. “Merry Christmas. Oh! I almost forgot the best feature. It’s equipped with cutting edge self-driving tech that activates if the chauffer happens to lose his pants for any reason.”

“Why would the chauffer lose his pants?” asked Ash.

Road head, obvs.

“Temperature negative fifty,” said Slavanka. “Carburetor eat pant.” She made a whooshing noise and mimed pants being sucked into an engine. “Scary, scary.”

Uh, or that I guess.

“Well, let’s hope that doesn’t happen,” said Daddy with a very confused look on his face. “I’m going to go get changed. You girls should do the same. We don’t want to be late.”

Actually, I did want to be late.

And honestly, even if I hadn’t been trying to avoid a Christmas morning massacre, I still would have made us late. Because I had no idea which bikini I wanted to wear.