Page 34 of Fierce-Jax (Fierce Matchmaking #18)

ANCHOR HERSELF

“ I s everything okay?” Jax asked Dillion on Friday night.

“Yes,” she said, but she looked away from him.

“Gianna is okay?” he asked.

“She’s sleeping soundly,” she said.

“That isn’t what I asked,” he said. “Come over here and sit next to me.”

He watched Dillion move at the same pace that Gianna had earlier when she was told it was time to get ready for bed. Feet dragging as if her toes weighed ten pounds each.

When Dillion finally made it, he tucked her under his arm.

Maybe if he got her to relax she’d open up to what was going on.

If she was going to tell him that things were going too fast or she didn’t feel the same as she had earlier in their relationship, then he wanted to know that now.

“I’m fine,” she said, snuggling against him.

Yeah, she wasn’t fine.

She never made that move.

As if she had to anchor herself to something stable because her world was rocking under those heavy feet of hers.

He sighed. “We can play this a couple of ways. I can pretend there isn’t something going on when I know that isn’t the case and then we wake up tomorrow and you’re fine, but something tells me you won’t be since you’ve been quiet for days.

Or you can give in and tell me now so I’m not asking you all weekend. ”

Dillion lifted her head to look at him, her eyes filling with tears.

His heart sank and he was preparing for his world to be rocked. Not in a good way.

But more like an earthquake magnitude of nine.

“I’m not sure how to start,” she said.

“Does this have to do with us?” he asked.

“No,” she said and spun. “I don’t have a problem with us at all. I love you. I love where we are at. All of that. Nothing has changed. I don’t think it has, but you might.”

Relief swept over his body as if the world’s largest weighted blanket just covered and swaddled him tight.

“Nothing has negatively changed for me,” he said.

“What does that mean?” she asked, frowning.

“Just that at times I think I’m moving too fast and get worried you’re trailing behind.”

“I’m not worried about it,” she said.

“Then what is going on if it’s not us? It can’t be that bad. I don’t see you acting this way for days over work?”

It’s not as if she wasn’t financially set in her life.

Even if her practice was struggling, which he knew it wasn’t, she had her father to fall back on.

She might not have ever wanted to do that, but it was still there.

“It’s easy for you to say,” she said. “I should tell you about Alec. Gianna’s father.”

“I’d like to know,” he said. “You never say much. I don’t want to intrude knowing that it’s most likely very painful.”

She snorted. “You have no idea,” she said.

Not really what he wanted to hear. That she might still hold onto her love for the man she had a child with.

“I looked into him,” he said. “Nothing major. Curiosity more than anything.”

“Did you find the article on his shooting?” she asked.

“I did. It was pretty brief. Seemed like it was the wrong place at the wrong time. He was shot and killed on the street or something. Not the best part of town, but it happens. Did they ever catch the person?”

“They did,” she said. “Months later and he’s in prison.”

“That’s good,” he said.

He wouldn’t admit that he’d seen a picture of Alec online. The guy looked nothing like he expected him to.

Lighter brown hair a little messy or unkempt, tired blue eyes, and rough uneven facial hair, but maybe the picture had been taken after a long shift.

Gianna was the spitting image of her mother. He couldn’t see any of her father in her.

“I told you how we met. He was an ER doctor during my residency. He wasn’t someone that opened up freely, but he did to me.”

“Because you’re an easy person to talk to. I noticed that right away.”

“I am,” she said. “I’ve always been that way. Kind of like you, I think I’m drawn to those that I feel sorry for.”

“You felt sorry for him? Why?”

She shrugged. “He was quiet. He did his job and did it well, but he always felt as if he had to look over his shoulder. I couldn’t figure out why and then found out more about his childhood.”

“Not good?” he asked.

“No,” she said. “Mind you, I only know what he told me. He’d cut his parents out of his life when he was in college. Or thereabouts. I never met them.”

“Never?” he asked. “Not even at Alec’s funeral?”

“They didn’t know he died. I had no way to get in touch with them. No information. Alec didn’t even have their numbers on his phone. I wasn’t thinking clearly to even try to search for them. I knew nothing.”

“Wait a minute,” he said, jerking back. “So they have no clue they have a grandchild either?”

“As far as I knew, no.”

“As far as you knew,” he said. “That sounds like something has changed.”

“I’ll get to that,” she said, her shoulders tensing. “Please, let me talk about Alec. You need to know. You should know something that only my parents do.”

He wanted to see her face as she talked. Watch her eyes and see if he could read what was going on behind them.

They’d said no secrets, but he was going to be slammed with one hard.

He knew it.

He felt it.

He had to brace for it.

And had to control his reaction to it and if he had a right to be upset because he was positive that was going to happen.

“Talk to me,” he said.

He’d moved into the corner of the couch and was angled toward her now.

She was frowning as if she didn’t like that move, but she tucked one foot under her thigh, her hands in her lap, her fingers moving around and plucking at imaginary threads.

“Alec said he suffered abuse as a child. His father drank a lot and would hit him and his mother. There was lots of verbal abuse too. He said his father always called him a pussy for being smart and not playing sports. People always asked him if he was gay or if he preferred men to women.”

“Was he?” he asked. “And hiding that fact from you?”

She sniffled. “I don’t think so,” she said. “I’ve never told my parents this part. They only know what I found out after Alec died. But I have never discussed parts of my relationship.”

“Go on,” he said.

“We had a normal sex life,” she said. “Nothing that would make me think he wasn’t into women.

It’s not like the two of us are together, but it was good.

I’d think I’d know if he was gay or into men and I just didn’t see it.

I only said that to give you an idea of his childhood.

It was bad. The things he said to me about the abuse and his mother doing nothing about it, but she was receiving it too by the sounds of it. ”

“You’re positive,” he asked.

“I’m not positive of anything, but the signs were there,” she said. “At random times he’d react to something. Like someone or something scaring him. If a person jumped out to scare you, how would you react?”

“I’d come out swinging,” he said. “I might yell, but I’d fight back.”

She laughed. “Me too. I’d scream, but I’d still be ready to fight back. Or I’d run depending on what it was.”

“What did Alec do?” he asked.

“He froze. He covered himself to avoid minimal damage.”

“Like someone who was used to being hit and knew it was useless to fight or hide,” he said.

“Yes. You can’t make that stuff up. I believe he suffered abuse at some point in his life. He said his mother never stuck up for him. The verbal abuse was more than the physical, but it was there.”

“Did he ever show signs of violence with you?” he asked.

He’d seen enough of it in his career to know the cycles of abuse.

“Never,” she said. “Despite everything that happened to him, he just left them and wrote them out of his life. He became a doctor. An excellent doctor. But he’d always make comments about how much debt he had and how hard it was to pay down.

As if he regretted choosing that path because it’d hidden other things. ”

“Did he know who you were?” he asked. “Your father?”

“Not right away,” she said. “I didn’t tell anyone, but in this area and the name, it was a joke in some ways.

I made sure the car I drove wasn’t a luxury model my father sold.

Things like that. I didn’t tell Alec who my father was until I was halfway through my pregnancy.

The stress he was under to provide for us was putting a lot of pressure on him.

The guilt of keeping it from him was weighing on me. ”

“What did he say when he found out?” he asked.

“I thought he’d be relieved, but he just got nasty about it,” she said. “That I kept it from him as if it was some joke on my end. Did I want him to feel any worse about himself than that? That now he couldn’t measure up and it explained why my parents didn’t want to meet him.”

“Your parents never met him?” he asked. He found that hard to believe knowing how protective Dylan was of his daughter.

Or maybe that played a big part in it now.

“My parents knew Alec and I had been dating, but we kept it light. I didn’t tell my parents I was pregnant for months.

That is right about the time I told Alec who they were.

My parents didn’t have any interest in meeting him prior because I said it wasn’t anything serious just yet.

I was focusing on my career, but we did have a mutually caring relationship. ”

“Until you got pregnant?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said. “We never talked about getting married. I’m not saying that I didn’t love him, but it’s not like what I thought love would be. Nothing like what we’ve got.”

He was looking into her eyes, searching for the truth.

He saw nothing that would tell him she wasn’t being honest.

He nodded. “I’m assuming your father didn’t care for Alec?” he asked.

She sighed. “No. Not because he had to work hard to get where he was. Nothing like that. My father never looked at someone’s financial background to see if they measured up.

He was more about character and ambition.

Something didn’t sit right with him. He didn’t like the family history.

He didn’t like that when my father and I disagreed or argued like we did often, Alec not only stayed out of it but almost pretended it didn’t exist. He didn’t pick a side, he didn’t stand up for me. Nothing. He wanted to be invisible.”

Which Dylan Patrick would hate. That the man with his daughter had no backbone.

“Did he not believe what Alec told you?” he asked. “It sounded as if you only had his word.”

“I did only have his word, but I’d like to think I was a good judge of character and I told you the things I saw.

There was more too, but we don’t need to go into those details.

I’m just saying I saw no reason to not believe what he said about his parents.

Did I think it was weird he’d had no relationship at all?

I did. Why not go back at least to prove his father wrong he made something of himself?

But then I thought that might be petty too. ”

“It would be, but I think I’d do that if I were in his shoes. He was an adult, not some kid that was cringing from being hit. Why not try to convince his mother to leave too? Or was his mother handing out the abuse also?”

“I thought the same thing,” she said, “and then told myself not to do that. I didn’t live his life. I didn’t have his demons.”

“I feel like there is more going on,” he said. “Did he not help you with Gianna?”

“He was alive for five weeks of her life. Not much help he could have done.”

“Come on now, Dillion. Don’t play that game with me.”

She shrugged. “He was working a lot,” she said. “He was taking extra shifts. I thought it was for money, but it was to avoid what was going on at home. He didn’t feel comfortable handling a newborn. Happy?”

“Not to speak ill of the dead, but he sounds a little on the weak side, which contradicts being an ER doctor.”

“He was,” she said. “Not in his career, but in being a man. He didn’t help me much.

I think he didn’t know how. I’d sat him down more than once and told him my expectations.

What he could do if he didn’t help with Gianna.

He was getting better. He was doing things in the house so I didn’t have to.

Things he was comfortable with. Cooking and cleaning. ”

He rolled his eyes. “Not a lot.”

“It was better than nothing,” she said. “I accepted it. Aren’t you the one that said if you can’t change it, stop bitching and accept it?”

“I did,” he said. “But you could have changed that.”

“How?” she asked, throwing her hands up.

“He wanted to see his child, although he wasn’t quite ready to be a father.

I would not keep Gianna from him. When he was with her, he was good as long as I was there to navigate crying and what she might want or need.

Any help he gave me was better than nothing.

At the time we were making it work. I was making it work. ”

“You were making it work,” he said. He caught that inflection in her voice.

She pursed her lips. “Yes. My first week back I was exhausted. He was working a lot and there was nothing new there. It’s part of the job. I had a daycare for Gianna. I had a game plan.”

Sounded like she was always the one holding it together.

“Until it all changed,” he said.

He stopped himself short of saying her life was probably easier once Alec was out of the picture and her parents were helping her.

“Yes,” she said. “I’d come home from work, Gianna is crying, she’s hungry, I’m hungry.

I’m tired. I fed her and sent a picture to Alec about dinner but didn’t hear back.

Nothing. If he wasn’t home by the time I was ready to eat, I’d just make it, but it was his turn.

I fell asleep in the chair feeding Gianna and then woke up and took care of her.

I was getting ready to make dinner when there was a knock at the door and the police were standing there.

They’d told me Alec had been shot and died on the street, then everything went black.

It was the first time in my life I’ve passed out. ”

“I’m sorry,” he said, reaching for her hand. “I’m judging here and shouldn’t. I have to remember what it had to be like for you. I saw what Roni went through and it was difficult, physically and emotionally.”

“It was all of those things,” she said. “But it was nothing to what came next.”

“Grief?” he asked.

“Anger,” she said. “I felt like everything we’d been living was a lie when I found the truth out after his death.”

His jaw opened and closed. “You’re going to explain that part, right?”

“I don’t think I have much of a choice right now.”

Which meant something forced this confession out of her and he wasn’t so sure he liked knowing that was the only reason he was getting it.