Page 26 of Fan Favorite
“At least I don’t have crabs,” Zo said, pointing at the sand pouring from Edie’s crotch as she struggled to her feet. “You’ve got a natural habitat down there.”
Finally, they were tied at game point. Max called a time-out and gathered the team in a huddle.
“You guys are doing awesome, okay?” she said, assessing her bedraggled team.
Edie, grumpy in her sagging granny suit.
Lily, her hair sticking out from her braids in tangled clumps.
Bailey, somehow still put together, if a touch flushed.
“Just fucking awesome.” A thought occurred to her, and Max stood up quickly, knocking Ted and his camera back a few steps.
“Has it been a dirty game? Yes. But here’s what I always say: The plan never survives first contact with the enemy.
All we need now is one great play and this thing is O-V-E-R, over. And the one-on-one time is ours .”
While Max outlined the strategy for the final play, Edie watched Peter interview Charlie a few feet away.
“Do you like when the women fight over you?” Peter asked.
“Do I like it when the women fight over me?” Bennett parroted back to the camera.
“Hmm… let me think about it… Yes. ” He smiled easily.
And then glanced over at Edie, his hands resting on his hip bones.
Peter followed his gaze, his hands shoved in the back pockets of his jeans.
She stared at the two of them staring at her, the hard-bodied Bennett Charles and the hard-boiled Peter Kennedy, not paying attention to a word Max was saying.
“Edie,” Max said, snapping her fingers in front of Edie’s face. “Did you catch that?”
“Oh, yeah, of course,” Edie said. She gave the team a reassuring smile. “Got it.”
“For Bennett!” Max yelled.
But while her teammates rushed the court, Edie stood on the sidelines watching Charlie stride away from Peter and, unbelievably, straight into Zo’s crotch.
Paralyzed, Edie stared as Zo jetéd into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist and pressing her vagina into his six-pack.
He cupped her tiny bikinied butt, and she threw back her gorgeous bobblehead, laughing.
Then, as the camera circled, Zo brushed back the sweaty curls from his forehead, placed her hand on the back of his neck, and pulled him to her, kissing him right in front of everyone.
A strange noise gargled in Edie’s throat.
“Having fun?” Peter asked, appearing at Edie’s side.
“Oh, yeah, this is a great fucking time, Peter,” Edie spat.
Her entire body vibrated with the uncomfortable realization that her super-special-made-for-TV-kiss, the beacon of hope that had kept her going through every stage of this humiliating day, was maybe not so special after all.
“Super glad I left my entire life behind to watch Bennett remove Zo’s spleen with his tongue.
” Edie angrily dusted off her sandy butt.
“But you know what I really love? Having a camera up my ass while I keep falling on it. I’m thirty-five, Peter.
I get sore from sleeping . I’m not going to be able to walk tomorrow.
But I guess that’s not a problem since Bennett Charles/Charlie Bennett—whoever the fuck he is—forgot I even exist.”
“Fair enough,” Peter said, arms crossed and rocking casually on his heels.
She glared at him.
“Have you thought about, I dunno, spraining your ankle? That might get his attention.”
“Are you being serious?”
“Maybe, maybe not. Just spitballing here.” Peter paused like he was thinking it over.
Across the beach, Bennett put Zo down and gave her a little pat on the butt as she trotted back across the court.
Peter turned to face Edie. “Here’s the thing.
You’re here for the right reasons. But the right reasons on The Key are just…
a framing device . Most people don’t take it so seriously.
That’s your problem. That’s why you’re not having fun. ”
Edie slit her eyes at Peter. “My problem?” she said through clenched teeth. “Maybe the show’s the problem, Peter. Maybe the show’s why I’m not having fun.”
“Exactly!” he said, jabbing his finger in the air like a professor whose pupil finally arrived at the correct answer.
“The show’s the show. It’s got a format, and you either accept it or you don’t.
Edie, who finds love this way? It’s absurd.
You’ve put yourself in an absurd situation.
What you need to do now is connect to the ridiculousness of it all. Have a little fun.”
Edie dug a wad of swimsuit out of her butt. “Me agreeing to wear this swimsuit on national television wasn’t absurd enough for you?”
“No, it was.” Peter laughed.
She glared at him again.
“C’mon,” he said, shaking her arm to snap her out of it.
“Honestly, I didn’t think this whole thing was gonna work.
But you’ve surprised me. And I can admit when I’m wrong.
Even if I hate to be wrong.” When she didn’t soften, he slung his arm over her shoulders and gestured to the Key world before them.
“Edie, look around you. You’re like an actual person in a sea of interchangeable sponconners, and really, I like that about you.
Who cares if you fall on your ass and your swimsuit is ugly?
America’s gonna love you for it. Because that’s exactly what America would do if she were here.
If there’s one thing America’s good at, it’s falling short of her ideals. ”
Edie couldn’t help herself; she started laughing. “Are you seriously invoking ‘America’ right now?”
Peter laughed. “Yes, but as a metaphor. Look, Edie, you’re like the Paul Rudd of The Key . An adorable everywoman. But an exceptional one. Someone we can root for.”
Edie turned to him. Peter always seemed totally in control, moving through the Key world with a restrained swagger that was clearly dangerous.
Guys who were brash and authoritative, but also sweet and funny, were total sociopaths, and Edie knew she shouldn’t trust him.
Seriously, if she’d seen Peter on a dating app, with his East Coast prep good looks, Ivy League pedigree, and big job, she would’ve thought he was a bot and immediately swiped left.
Still, she found herself relaxing whenever he was around.
There was this vibe between them, like they were the only adults in the room, and for that reason, Edie did trust Peter, and felt like he was the one who would take care of her through this insane experience.
“I have to admit—you’re good,” she said. “Maybe even better than Jessa.”
“That’s why they pay me the big bucks.” He grinned.
“But, seriously, Edie, I think you’re great.
You’re smart and funny and irreverent, and I like you a lot.
But it’s not me you have to show. It’s him.
” Peter pointed at Bennett looming over the volleyball court, the sun illuminating him from behind like Zeus himself, alight once again on the lifeguard chair.
“And right now, you’re fading into the background.
Get out there and make your mark. Don’t take no for an answer.
” They locked eyes. “If you want to win this, then you have to go out there and show Bennett why you’re the girl he’s going to marry. ”
And just like that, Edie was running back onto the court.
She still had all these uncomfortable feelings—confusion, annoyance, embarrassment, doubt—but none of them felt like how she wanted to feel, which was happy, fun, chosen, loved , so she decided to embrace the optimism that had brought her to The Key in the first place.
Of course, Charlie was distracted— The Key was a fucking circus!
A smorgasbord of naked women!—but Peter was right, if she lost her shit every time Charlie talked to another girl, she’d never get what she wanted, which was Edie and Charlie back in love, their life together about to begin.
“Just do it like we said, and they won’t expect a thing,” Max whispered when Edie arrived at the net. “I’ll set you. You hit the ball over the net. That’s all you have to do. Make a fist and hit the ball over the net. Game over.”
“Wait, what ?” Edie said, but already Max had a hand between Edie’s shoulder blades and was shoving her to the net where, once again, she came face-to-face with Zo.
“Just so you know, it’s going to be me and Bailey at the end,” Zo said, her voice dripping with faux concern.
“I just don’t want you to be blindsided.
Peter gave us contracts a week ago that guaranteed it.
” Zo adjusted the clip at the center of her chest holding her bikini top together and laughed deliciously when Edie’s jaw dropped.
“Don’t tell me you actually thought you were going to be more than a one-episode sideshow? Please.”
And then the ball was in the air. Edie stood paralyzed in the sand.
Not since Brian had Edie whiplashed so quickly from love and hope to doubt and despair.
Contracts? For the end? Edie scanned the beach and found Peter standing with Jessa at mid-court.
He was holding his chin in his hand and staring at her, brow furrowed.
She was so stupid, always so fucking stupid.
Suddenly she could see herself as she really was—thirty-five years old and throwing herself around the beach in some Value Village swimsuit, ever the fool, chasing a volleyball for some man who did not want her.
“Edie!” Max screamed.
Edie snapped to attention just in time to see the ball flying directly toward her.
All the anger and confusion and desire and shame and hope and embarrassment of the last week surged through her, and she balled her right hand into a fist and jumped.
“Fuck you!” she screamed at Zo as she flew through the air and smashed the ball over the net and directly into Zo’s tits, which, upon impact, immediately popped free from their tiny restraint.
Instantly Bennett was on his feet, blowing his whistle.
The ball boomeranged from Zo’s chest back into the air with impressive speed.
Edie, who never did anything halfway, crashed into the net, which held for a second before— SNAP —and then Edie was falling with the webbing wrapping around her as she plunged toward the sand.
The ball slammed into the net pole and began to ricochet toward an oblivious Bennett Charles, who, like a horny tween, was straining to get a better look at Zo’s tits.
“Bennett! Watch out!” Peter yelled.
SMACK!
When the ball struck him in the face, Bennett was wholly unprepared. Instantly he was falling— BANG CRASH BOOM PLOP —six feet down to the sand.
“Bennett!” the beach shrieked.
“She’s killed him! That stupid bitch killed Bennett Charles!” McKayla wailed as Edie took her final repose on top of Zo, her face nestling perfectly between the ballerina’s breasts.
And then everything went blissfully black.
TAKE 5 PRODUCTIONS
THE KEY
BENNETT CHARLES AMBULANCE TEASER [DRAFT FOR EP APPROVAL]
TAPE #207
____________________
00:00:00 AN AMBULANCE SCREECHES THROUGH THE CITY
IN VOICEOVER:
BAILEY: … there was just so much blood…
PARKER: … one more inch and he’d be gone…
MCKAYLA: … scared? More like terrified. His face was perfect…
MAX:… these are the moments where you realize what’s important in life…
ZO: … this is all her fault…
LILY: … my mind is focused on healing energy…
ASPEN: … I can’t picture my life without Bennett! Don’t ask me to!…
EDIE: … is he okay? Is he okay? Is he okay???…
HOSPITAL SOUNDS, BEEPING MACHINES, ETC.
FADE TO BLACK
ADAM FOX IN FRONT OF THE KEY MANSION
00:30:00 ADAM FOX: All that and more, tonight on The Key .
To: Carole Steele
From: Peter Kennedy
Subject: Quick Update
Hi Carole,
Hope you’re well.
Just wanted to loop you in on a small mishap we had in the field today. Bennett fell during a group date and sustained some minor injuries, but otherwise I can assure you he is fine and that, as they say, the show will go on. The doctor is patching him up as we speak.
We’re in contact with legal and will send a full report to Stacey once the risk assessment is complete.
Let me know if you’d like to hop on a call, but I can assure you that everything’s under control here.
Best,
Peter
Sent from my iPhone