Page 16 of Fan Favorite
The very last image Bennett could recall of Edie Pepper was the bottoms of her chunky Steve Madden sandals as her stretcher was loaded onto an ambulance so she could be screened for a concussion.
Before Lauren boarded the ambulance behind her, she’d turned to Charlie on the driveway and shaken her head in weary disappointment.
He heard Edie say, “Don’t be mad; it’s not his fault.
It was my idea,” and he’d cried more behind the bloody dish towel stuck to his face.
Edie was always looking out for him, even though he was a total fucking nightmare.
The kind of guy who maimed his girlfriend during foreplay.
Then his dad had pushed him into the back seat of his mom’s Volvo, also en route to the hospital, to have his nose reset.
And from the strong words he overheard their parents hissing at each other from behind his hospital curtain, it appeared he would never see Edie again.
Until now.
The overwhelming guilt and shame he’d felt that night, and in the months after, surged through Bennett as he stood on the Key patio with Edie Pepper waiting for him to speak.
Bennett had never hated himself more than he did that night, which was saying something, because all throughout high school, he’d hated his pudgy, nerdy, clumsy self a helluva lot.
The next morning on the way to the airport, his father had demanded the full story, and Bennett awkwardly tried to explain until his dad said, “Jesus Christ, Charlie, are you telling me you couldn’t even fuck her like a man?
” And as Bennett had boarded the plane to Alaska with a silver splint taped to his nose and his father’s disgusted face burned into his brain, he left with the knowledge that he’d said absolutely nothing to defend Edie, or their love, and his shame had grown deeper.
But then something strange and unexpected happened.
Up until this point, Bennett had had zero exposure to the great outdoors except for some family vacations to Door County.
He was, and always had been, an indoor kid.
His—and presumably everyone else’s—expectation was for the Outward Bound trip to be a complete and total disaster.
But early into the back-breaking trip, Bennett realized he fucking loved it.
Perhaps it was the magic of arriving in Alaska at the lowest point in his life, desperate for a total escape, but he loved the insane vistas that made him feel small and insignificant and in the presence of something mysterious and majestic.
The infinite stars in the night sky—he’d never seen stars like that before.
He loved learning to catch salmon in the icy rivers and cook it over a fire.
He loved tracking moose in air that was so crisp he’d disregarded doctor’s orders and taken the splint off early just so he could feel it rush through his nose more clearly.
He loved how moving his body and using his hands shut off the insecurities inside his head.
And he loved the brotherhood of guys who didn’t ask too many questions about where he’d come from or who he’d been, because they were also on the precipice of becoming men and reinventing themselves too.
Their guide, Jack, had a satellite phone, but it was only for emergencies, so Bennett felt off the hook in terms of contacting Edie.
Sure, in the days before the incident he’d promised to write her letters, but now he didn’t know what he could possibly say, so he just didn’t .
Instead of focusing on what made him feel like a hopeless, terrible person, he focused on all the things that were making him feel strong—stronger than he ever thought he could be.
By the end of the trip, he’d shed twenty pounds, learned that marijuana and exercise eased his anxiety, and felt connected to a group of guys in a way he never had before.
Charlie flew straight from Alaska to the University of Colorado–Boulder and trekked up the stairs to his dorm room with his gear still strapped to his back.
He was tired and smelly and sore, but happy—optimistic about who he could become here—and when he reached his room it felt like fate.
The festive handmade sign on the door read: BENNETT CHARLES & DAVID SOWINSKI .
How could Bennett ever repay the debt he owed to whatever summer intern had fucked up that sign?
As he stood there, it struck him that no one knew him in Boulder, and he could be whoever the hell he wanted to be.
It was a complete and total fresh start.
And wasn’t Bennett an infinitely cooler name than Charles?
So when the door swung open to reveal David Sowinski, Charlie shook his hand and introduced himself as Bennett Charles from Illinois by way of Alaska and never, ever looked back.
Had he felt guilty, deleting all of Edie’s emails unread during that first term as he found his place in campus life?
Sure. But he honestly didn’t see how he could reconcile who he’d become, who he still wanted to become , with who he’d been.
Thinking about her at all made him feel guilty, so he just…
didn’t . Instead, he threw out his fantasy novels and joined a fraternity.
His new brothers taught him about weightlifting and protein shakes, IPAs and beer pong, the importance of caring about at least one sport (preferably football or basketball), and, most importantly, how to walk around campus like you owned the place.
He got on prescription medications for anxiety, allergies, asthma, and eczema, toned up his body, and quickly changed his major to social geography (the study of people and place), which he was told would offer him the most study abroad opportunities and keep him far from home.
He grew out his hair and took out a loan to get a chin implant, and found out that in Colorado, to be cool with the ladies, all a guy really had to do was have a strong jaw, wear good jeans with a tight T-shirt and some Patagonia outerwear, and have basic knowledge of trails good for pointing out constellations and making out.
He spent breaks and summers working as a counselor at various camps, eventually receiving certifications in rock climbing and white-water rafting, and he went home infrequently, because though he had changed, sometimes insecurity would boil up in him unexpectedly, like when he dated this really smart girl from the poli sci department who wanted him to talk about his courses, but really, his knowledge was pretty basic because he hardly ever went to class.
Who had time to research the food supply in Namibia when you were changing your entire fucking personality?
His worst fear was someone getting close enough to pull back the curtain.
Besides, his mom was clingy, and his dad was a real dick.
Looking at Edie now, Bennett didn’t know how he was supposed to explain to someone who’d known him since kindergarten , who, despite his many faults and food allergies, had always liked him exactly as he was, that Bennett Charles had no interest in exhuming poor, hopeless, Charlie Bennett from the dead, much less parade him around on national television.
Did he still feel guilty about how he’d treated Edie?
Yes. But an even stronger feeling rose in him now.
And that feeling was self-preservation.