Page 27 of Falling Together

Chapter 27

Erin

Erin woke up the day after the carnival feeling happier than she could ever remember. After getting home and putting Nolan to bed, Blair got into the shower to get the ice cream off of herself, and Erin decided to join her. They didn’t have sex this time, but Erin did help her clean herself, and somehow massaging shampoo in Blair’s hair was more sensual than watching her come. After making out under the water for a few minutes, they got out and dried each other off.

Erin was pretty sure they both assumed this would lead to sex, but instead, they snuggled in bed naked and talked for hours. Blair told stories of when she was younger, and they both talked about their college years. Erin shared the highlights of Nolan’s life so far and Blair seemed to hang on every single word. When they could barely keep their eyes open anymore, Blair suggested they put on pajamas so Nolan didn’t break into the room in the morning and find them naked. It was such a simple gesture, but it made Erin’s heart skip a beat.

As Erin stared at Blair, she slowly opened her eyes. When she caught Erin looking at her, her whole face lit up. She reached out and grabbed Erin’s hand and kissed her knuckles, a move she had been doing more and more, that Erin found she really liked. “Good morning.”

“Morning,” Erin said as all of the words she wanted to say threatened to spill out.

Blair pushed a piece of hair behind Erin’s ear and stared even deeper into her eyes. “I want to tell you something.”

Erin swallowed hard as her heart began to beat erratically in her chest. She hated that this was how her body reacted, but she didn’t know how to stop it. “What is it?” she asked quietly, barely recognizing her own voice, as the walls seemed to close in around her.

“Days like yesterday are all I want for the rest of my life.”

Erin’s heart exploded in her chest, because that’s all she wanted as well. Then, reality came crashing down on her. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with Blair. She didn’t just want today and tomorrow, but every single other day that followed. “Please don’t say that if you don’t mean it.”

The smile immediately dropped from Blair’s face, and she groaned and put a hand over her face. “I obviously mean it, Erin. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t.”

“I know you

think

you mean it, but when you say those things, it gives me hope, and hope normally leads to someone getting hurt.”

“When are you going to realize that I’m not like the people who hurt you?”

Erin hated to hear Blair so upset and angry, especially when she knew it was her fault. “I… I know you’re not.”

“Then stop treating me like I am.” Blair’s voice shook, and Erin could tell it was because she was trying her best to stay strong. “Do you want to be my girlfriend?”

Yes. More than anything in the world.

Erin opened her mouth, but those words wouldn’t come out.

Blair groaned once again. “See? This is what I mean. I’m trying to be patient, but it’s really hard. What else do I have to do to prove myself?”

“Nothing. You’re…” God, why couldn’t Erin form words right now? “You’re perfect. It’s not you.”

When the tears came to Erin’s eyes, she knew there was no use trying to fight them. She could feel Blair slipping away, and it was all her fault.

“Hey,” Blair said, her voice now much softer. She ran her thumbs underneath Erin’s eyes to dry the tears, even though it was no use, because they wouldn’t stop. “I’m still here. I’m just frustrated, because I like you so much, but I don’t know if that’s enough for you. I told you I’d wait for you, and I still mean that, but I need to know that I’m not waiting for something that’s never going to happen; for someone who’s never going to be able to trust me.”

Erin knew she had to say something to prove to Blair how much she meant to her and that she

did

trust her, but Blair placed a kiss on her lips before she could.

When she pulled away, she replaced her lips with her finger. “Don’t say anything right now. I want to give you some time to think this through. I’m going to go home, but that doesn’t mean I’m not coming back. I think we both just need a little bit of time to get our heads on straight before we have this talk. Maybe I can sleep over after Nolan and my giraffe experience?”

Erin wanted to stop crying but she couldn’t help herself. Even though Blair hadn’t given up on her completely, Erin worried she would if she wasn’t able to get her head on straight over these next two days. Blair was right, though. Maybe they needed this time, even if it sucked feeling like they were saying goodbye while leaving things unresolved. “You’re right. A sleepover on Tuesday sounds great.” She tried her best to smile, but she was sure it wasn’t good enough to fool Blair.

Blair smiled back at her and wiped her cheeks once again. “Good. Now stop crying, please. There’s no way I’ll be able to leave here if you’re crying.”

Her words only made Erin cry harder, because it was a reminder of how amazing Blair was. At first, Erin had worried she was too immature, but at some point over the last few months, Blair had become the mature one between the two of them.

Erin put her hands on top of Blair’s and squeezed them. “I’m okay. I promise. I’ll be okay.

We’ll

be okay.”

Blair watched Erin with all of the wonder and awe of a mother looking at her newborn. “I know we will.”

Blair gave her one more kiss before standing from bed and getting all of her things together. She turned around one more time when she was at the doorway and gave Erin a sad smile and a small wave before leaving.

Erin wanted nothing more than to stay in bed all day and cry and wallow in self pity, but there were two big reasons she couldn’t. The first was that she had Nolan, and as much as she always made sure to let him know it was okay to be sad, she didn’t want him to realize she was sad and get worried. The other reason was that wallowing was not going to do anything to solve her problems. She needed to figure this out to make sure she didn’t end up losing the girl of her dreams.

Since Nolan wasn’t awake yet, she grabbed her phone and called her sister. For some reason, just the sound of her sister’s voice made her feel like she might start to cry again. “Hey, April! What are you up to today?”

April laughed. “Believe it or not, we actually have some free time for once. I think this weekend might be the only free time we have the rest of this year, but hey, we’ll take it.”

“Awesome. Are you okay with having some company?”

“If you’re talking about you and Nolan, then obviously.”

“Perfect. We’ll be there in a little while.” Erin hung up the phone before her sister could ask her any more questions, because she didn’t want to get into it just yet.

She woke up Nolan, who was disappointed when he found out Blair wasn’t there, but recovered quickly when she told him they were going to see their family. Because of his excitement, it was easier than usual to get him out of the house, and they left within an hour. As Nolan watched videos on his tablet, Erin thought about not only how she could prove to Blair that she was ready for this relationship, but also how she could prove it to herself. Because she was ready. The fear and hesitation were there, but there was also excitement. She wanted this, but she needed to fully let go of her past so she could enjoy her future. Hopefully her sister had some wise advice, because Erin clearly needed help.

Because she was so caught up in her own thoughts, the drive seemed to go faster than usual. Before she knew it, she was pulling into her sister’s driveway. She hadn’t even shut off the car when the front door opened and her sister and niece walked out.

“Aunt Ape-il! Cousin Syd!” Nolan shouted gleefully from his car seat.

When they reached the car, Sydney walked around to the back where Nolan was sitting, and April walked over to Erin’s door and opened it. She stuck her head in and waved to Nolan. “Hey, buddy! Guess what? Your Uncle Wesley and Tanner are waiting inside to hang out with you and Sydney. Is it okay if I steal your mommy for a few minutes?”

Nolan looked between Sydney and Erin and then back at April. “Will you give her back?”

April nodded, and with the way she was smiling, Erin could tell she was holding back a laugh. “I will give her back. I promise.”

“Okay!” Nolan turned to face Sydney again. “Get me out, please.”

Once Sydney got him out and they were almost inside the house, April gave Erin what could only be described as her sister-look. It was the one she gave Erin every time she was about to force information out of her. “So, what’s up? It’s not that I don’t love having you here, but you hate last minute plans.”

Erin pointed toward the sidewalk that looped around April’s neighborhood. “Wanna go for a walk? This might take a bit.”

“Of course.” April put her arm around Erin’s shoulder and began walking. “So, what’s going on with Blair?”

Erin’s body stiffened just at the mention of Blair. “How do you know this is about her?”

“Because I haven’t seen you look this rattled since Bianca left. Honestly, you might look worse this time.”

“Well, gee, thanks,” Erin said sarcastically.

April rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. I can tell something is wrong, and you’re normally pretty good at hiding it, which means something is

really

wrong.”

“I think I might’ve really messed things up.”

April waved her hand in a go-on motion. “You’re gonna have to give me more than that if I’m going to tell you what an idiot you are.”

“She asked me to be her girlfriend.”

“Okay… You do know that is supposed to be a good thing, right?”

“I know.” Erin threw her hands up in the air. “So, why do I feel like I’m going to throw up at the thought of it? I want it so bad, but at the same time, I don’t know how to stop being scared.”

“Can I give you the hard truth?”

“I’m sure you would even if I said no.”

April laughed. “This is true. That’s what big sisters are for.” She stopped walking and turned to face Erin. “There are always going to be things that scare you in life, but sometimes the scariest things are the most worthwhile. Tell me this, do you worry about Nolan?”

“Every second of every minute of every hour of every day.”

“If you had the chance to give him up so you didn’t have to worry anymore, would you?”

Why would she even ask that? Erin wasn’t Bianca. Not that Bianca seemed to worry about him even before she gave him up. “Of course not.”

A shit-eating grin took over April’s face. “Exactly, because some people are worth being scared for.”

Point made

. Erin had never actually thought of it that way. She was too stuck in her own fear to see everything she was missing out on. Unfortunately, that still didn’t help her get rid of the sick feeling in her gut. “Can I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything.”

"How did you get past dad leaving?" Erin didn’t know how her sister would react to her question, since their dad had always been a taboo subject that no one really spoke about.

To her surprise, her sister laughed. "Aside from years of therapy? Meeting a good man like Wyatt helped. I put him through the wringer when we first started dating."

“Really?” Erin never knew that.

“Oh yeah. I had a lot of trouble trusting men because of the man who claims to be our father. But thank god I did, because if not, I’d be missing out on the man who will wake the kids up early to sneak out and get donuts. The man who is not only at every single softball game of Sydney’s, but also in the backyard with her afterward helping her with things she struggled with.” April reached out and took Erin’s hand. “Even though we never really talked about it, I know, just like me, you always dreamed of having the family you felt like we missed out on. And you really thought Bianca was the one you were going to make that family with, and then she let you down even worse than Dad did. I don’t blame you for being skeptical. That’s a lot to go through. But I also know you deserve to be happy, and I’ve never seen you happier than you’ve been these past few months.”

That all made sense. There was just one burning question in Erin’s brain that she couldn’t let go of, no matter how hard she tried. “Why do you think Bianca left me?”

“Aside from the fact that she’s a bitch?” April asked with a laugh. “I really don’t know. What bullshit excuse did she give you?”

“She said she wanted to leave, so I let her. At first, I truly thought she’d come back. When I realized she wasn’t, it was too late to ask.”

“I don’t know. I don’t think it’s ever too late to get closure.”

Her words reminded her of the conversation she had with Blair a few weeks prior. “Blair actually told me I should talk to her.”

“She’s a smart girl. Do you also realize how unusual it is for someone to tell the girl they like to talk to the ex who broke their heart? She did that because she cares about you so much. That’s special.”

“

She’s

special.” Erin sighed. Just thinking about Blair made her want to jump right into her car and drive straight to her house, but she knew she had to take care of something first. “That’s why I need to do whatever it takes to make this work, even if it’s going to be hard.”

Before she could overthink it, she pulled out her phone and brought up the contact she never thought she’d reach out to again. Her hand shook as she typed out the text.

Would it be possible to get together and talk at some point?

She half expected Bianca to never answer, so she was shocked when a reply came back within seconds.

About what?

A few seconds later, another text came through.

Everything has been settled. The documents were signed.

Of course she thought this was about custody or child support. Erin wanted to scream. Bianca was infuriating.

This isn’t about Nolan.

Then what’s it about?

When April snuck behind her and tried to look over her shoulder, Erin took a few steps away to type out her next message.

Closure.

This time Bianca’s response wasn’t immediate, and Erin thought the conversation was over for now. That was until her phone started to vibrate in her hand with a call from none other than her ex-wife.

She held the phone up toward April. “She’s calling me. What the hell am I supposed to do?” Her heart pounded in her chest.

April pointed to the phone. “Pick it up! Now!”

“But what do I say?”

Her sister laughed. “Whatever the fuck it is you need to say.”

Erin took a deep breath and took a few more steps away from her sister.

I can do this.

“Hello?”

“What’s up?”

Erin used to think if she heard Bianca’s voice again, it would take her back, and she would find herself missing her all over again, but that wasn’t the case. There were absolutely no feelings there for the woman on the other end of the phone—aside from anger. And the anger wasn’t even for herself. It was for Nolan.

Erin cleared her throat. “I want to ask you something.” Her voice sounded stronger than she felt.

“Ask away.”

There were so many things she could ask, but there was one question that burned in her brain about both her dad and Bianca. Something that had made her wonder if she was worth sticking around for. “Was it hard for you to walk away from me?”

“That’s a loaded question,” Bianca said nonchalantly.

Erin’s blood was boiling now. All of the nights spent wondering what was wrong with her, and Bianca wasn’t even bothered. She tried to keep her voice calm, but it was no use. She had been holding this in for way too long. “How is it a loaded question? It’s pretty simple if you ask me. Was it fucking easy for you to walk away from me?”

Much to Erin’s surprise, Bianca laughed in response to her anger. “Wow. I’ve never experienced this spicy side of you. I like it.”

She likes it? What the hell?

Erin could feel her face turning red as she paced the sidewalk. “It’s…” Erin shook her head in frustration. “It’s not for you.”

“I realize that. I’m just saying, whoever brought this out in you must be pretty great. Much better than me.”

“What? No. This is about you and me. No one else.”

“Be honest, Erin. It wasn’t about just you and me for a very long time.”

What is she talking…

“Nolan.”

Bianca was silent, and for a moment Erin thought the call had dropped. “The thing is, I never actually wanted kids.”

What the hell? How could Erin have missed that? Wasn’t that a pretty important conversation to have with someone before, oh, I don’t know, starting a family? “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

“I’m sure you realize this, but I’m pretty awful at communicating. When we first met, I fell so hard and fast for you. And it only got stronger from there. I thought if I loved you enough, I could also love having a family with you, so I decided to keep it to myself that I didn’t actually want kids. Every step of the way, I kept telling myself I’d get there. Maybe I just needed to feel the baby kick. Maybe I just needed to hold him. But nothing worked. I felt so detached from him. I even resented him, because he took you away from me. And then I resented you, because it felt like you loved him more. When I left, I didn’t even miss him. I missed you, of course. How couldn’t I? You were such a big part of my life for so long. But if I’m being completely honest, I was too relieved to let it get to me too much. And I realize that makes me a terrible fucking person, but I can’t help it.”

Erin didn’t know whether to scream or cry. While she knew Bianca clearly didn’t feel attached to Nolan, hearing her say it out loud pissed her the fuck off. How could anyone meet that kid and not love him, especially his own flesh and blood who was there from the time he was made?

“Are you totally pissed now?” Bianca asked into the silence.

“I’m just trying to figure out how someone could meet my son and not realize how fucking amazing he is. Honestly, I feel bad for you. You’re the one who’s missing out.”

“Maybe I am, but I had to do what was right. I did a lot of selfish things, but leaving was the least of them. Nolan deserves two moms who love him as much as you do.”

Erin immediately pictured Blair playing with Nolan, the love shown all over her face as the two of them laughed together. She was so worried about Blair ending up to be like Bianca, she missed what was so obvious. Blair was nothing like Bianca. Not because she was a good person who stepped up for a child she was not responsible for, but because

she

was the one Erin was meant to spend her life with. Things were meant to fall apart so something so much better could come together. Erin couldn’t believe how stupid she’d been.

She completely forgot Bianca was on the phone until she heard her chuckle. “So, do you hate me? Are you plotting my murder?”

“I could never hate you. You gave me the greatest gift in the world.” Erin looked in the direction of her sister’s house and smiled when she thought about the little boy inside.

“He’s lucky to have you.”

Erin appreciated the sentiment, but the opinion of the woman who decided to give up the greatest boy in the world meant nothing to her. “You're damn right he is.” Erin laughed at herself and softened her tone. “Thanks for the talk. Good luck with everything.”

“Uh, yeah, you too,” Bianca said hesitantly, as if she was still trying to dissect their conversation. “I hope you find everything you’re looking for.”

“Don’t worry. I have.” Erin brought her fingers to her smiling lips as she hung up the phone without another word.

“Okay, that was amazing,” April said from where she was apparently standing

right behind

Erin. “How are you feeling?”

Erin felt light and free, and as if she was finally seeing clearly. “I feel great.”

April stepped up beside Erin and put her arm around her. “Now that that’s over with, on to more important things.”

“What would that be?” Erin asked even though she already knew. She just wanted to hear April say it.

“Finally getting the girl.”

Finally.