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Chapter Thirty-Three

“ O k, ok. Slow down. So, one – you slept with Alex and had the best sex of your life?” said Charlie between sips of his drink.

“Correct,” said Philippa, frowning.

“And you followed that up by making the deal of your life?”

“Check,” she said.

“And then your hot paralegal laid a smacker on your lips just as Alex was about to come and meet you for more erotic fun?”

“Well, I wouldn’t describe Sienna as that, given I don’t want to be with her, and I don’t have the hots for her. But, essentially, yes,” said Philippa, tapping her fingers on the table while Charlie caught up.

“Firstly, how good was the sex?” asked Charlie with a wink.

“Ugh, Charlie,” said Philippa, “must you?”

“I must,” he said. “How can I give you advice if I don’t know the whole filthy picture?”

“You’re terrible,” said Philippa, with a reluctant smile, “but yes. It was epic. All these years, I never knew it was supposed to be like that. It felt almost life changing. Honestly, if I ever had any doubt I was gay, it was completely erased by that night.”

“Well, that sounds amazing,” said Charlie. “Honestly, bab, I’m really pleased for you.”

“Yes, but now it’s all ruined,” said Philippa, raising her voice.

“Well, not necessarily,” said Charlie. “Fletch is pretty laid back. I’m sure if you explain what happened she’ll understand.”

“Do you think?” said Philippa. “She seemed pretty pissed off.”

“I can understand that. I would be, in her place, but I know her. She’s quick to forgive, really she is,” said Charlie. “But tell me, what changed? I thought this was all strictly fake? You’d agreed and everything.”

“Yeah, we had agreed. And like you said, she has a lot going on. In fact, that’s what I discovered completely by accident. I took Dottie to a party and bumped into Alex and Seren,” Philippa explained.

“Ah,” said Charlie, “that’ll do it. I’m not sorry.

I did tell her not to keep it from you. I know she struggles talking about Seren with everything going on with her ex, but when I realised you were actually becoming friends, I hoped she’d talk to you.

At the very least, I reckon you could give her some good professional advice. ”

“Yeah,” said Philippa. “And I have offered. We had a bit of a run-in with Jess, actually, so I took her back to mine to give her a cuppa.”

“Is ‘give her a cuppa’ a new euphemism?” Charlie made air quotes with his fingers.

“Ha bloody ha,” said Philippa, laughing in spite of herself. “We did have tea, actually, but then, well, things happened.”

“Oh yes,” said Charlie. “I do enjoy it when ‘things happen’.” Philippa rolled her eyes. “Look, text her, explain. Then it’s up to her what she does. I can’t tell you how she’ll respond, but it’s not fair on either of you if she’s making decisions without having all the info.”

“You’re right, of course.” Philippa finished her drink. “If I draft something, will you check it?”

“Only if you buy me an espresso martini,” said Charlie.

“Order two and I’ll pick up the bill. One of those would go down a treat right now,” said Philippa, passing him her credit card.

She drafted the text three or four times.

After ten minutes, she thought she had it.

“I’m so sorry,” it said. “You were right about Sienna. She does have a thing for me, as evidenced by her kissing me unexpectedly just as you walked in. It sounds lame, but it really isn’t what it looked like.

I’ve told her it’s absolutely not on and she’s apologised.

I get that you’re angry and you’ve every right to be.

But I want you to know that you are special, and if you’d like to be with me, I’d like to be with you. xxx”

“Come on then,” said Charlie. “Let’s have a look.” He took her phone and scanned the message. “Oh my,” he said. “That nearly brought a tiny tear to my eye.”

“Oh do shut up, Charles,” said Philippa. “This is serious.”

“I’m being serious,” he protested. “Genuinely, it’s very touching. I’d totally forgive you, after a few days of giving you the silent treatment. Obvs.”

“Obvs,” echoed Philippa glumly.

“So,” said Charlie. “Are we sending?”

“We’re sending,” said Philippa. She pressed her phone screen, and the message disappeared with a swoosh. She immediately felt butterflies in her stomach.

She didn’t much feel like her cocktail now, but she took a sip of the alcohol-infused espresso, and it gave her a little lift. “Do you think it’s too late for me, Charles?”

“Too late?” said Charlie. “Too late for what?”

“Love. I never went through that adolescent phase of crushes and kisses and mistakes. I never had those carefree relationships with women. And now here I am, only just working out who I am, and it’s complicated.

” She took another sip of her drink. “Dating as a single mum brings a whole new dimension to it. Even if things did work out with Alex, how do I navigate telling Dottie? I feel like there’s so much pressure to get everything right.

And so far, I seem to have got it all wrong. ”

“Bab,” said Charlie, quietly. “Can I let you in on a little secret?” Philippa looked at him expectantly.

“It’s always complicated. Because people are complicated.

I came out when I was sixteen years old, and it was complex for all sorts of reasons.

Whoever you are, finding a person that is your person is hard.

We all have stuff going on, whether that’s children or personal insecurities. ”

“Is that why you resisted being in a relationship for so long?” asked Philippa, glad to focus on someone else.

“I guess so,” said Charlie. “After Ralph, I couldn’t face taking that kind of risk with my heart all over again.

He hurt me so much. So I stuck to one-night stands or short flings.

” He smiled. “Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoyed it.

There’s nothing wrong with that, but after a while, I began to feel like I was missing something.

I think it crept up on me. I hadn’t even realised. ”

“What happened?” asked Philippa.

“It was my friend Kiera, actually. She started again, after having her heart well and truly stomped on. She met someone – Seymour.”

“Jack’s sister?” said Philippa, beginning to piece things together.

“Yes, well that, too. Seeing her happy and settled and taking a risk for a second time made me see that perhaps even I could do the same. And then of course Jack popped up. I didn’t realise he was queer to start with, so it felt like an inconvenient crush.” He smiled at the memory.

“Are there ever convenient crushes?” asked Philippa.

“Ask your Sienna,” replied Charlie with a snigger.

“But one evening I was supposed to go to the cinema with Kiera, but Seymour was poorly. Jack said he fancied seeing the film, so we went together. And the rest, as they often say, is history. He’s brought out parts of me I never expected to see again. ”

“That’s lovely,” said Philippa.

“It hasn’t been without its difficulties. I’ve got to be honest, I nearly had a panic attack when he started routinely leaving his toothbrush and shower gel at my place.” He played with the rim of his glass.

“Why?” asked Philippa, furrowing her brow.

“I accused him of trying to move in by stealth,” replied Charlie with a wry smile.

“God, you didn’t?” said Philippa, rolling her eyes.

“I did. I also suggested he’d taken tips from his lesbian sister and was trying to U-haul.

Perhaps not my finest hour. But he just said he wanted to be with me and didn’t see the point of taking his toothbrush back and forth between his place and mine.

And in that one simple sentence, he had highlighted my issues with commitment. ” Charlie pressed his lips together.

“Do you still have issues with commitment?”

“Yes. Old habits die hard,” Charlie admitted, “but I’m working on them.”

“Sounds like Jack is very patient,” said Philippa, one eyebrow raised.

“Oh shush. I am a treat,” said Charlie.