Page 21

Chapter Twenty-One

P hilippa was reeling. She stumbled out of the pub and made her way down the street alone.

The pouring rain soaked her almost immediately, but she didn’t notice.

She walked blindly towards the taxi rank, trying to work out whether it was fear she felt, or elation. Either way, she couldn’t stay in there.

The surface water on the road reflected the car headlights and revellers’ feet. Music blasting out of different bars fell on her ears, a low bass drum beat echoing the beat of her heart. Everything had changed. But she didn’t know what came next.

Running feet, behind her. “Phil, Phil,” called a voice. She paused for a moment and looked back. “I’m sorry,” said the familiar face. “Please, just wait. God, this rain, where did that come from?”

Philippa stopped on the pavement and allowed Alex to catch up.

“Are you ok?” asked Alex, approaching Philippa and placing a hand on each of her shoulders.

“I’m not sure,” said Philippa, opting for honesty and looking up at the falling raindrops.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.” Alex was biting her lip.

“You’re sorry?” said Philippa looking down again, trying to get to grips with the swirl of emotions inside her. The rain was still falling, and she was getting steadily wetter.

“It wasn’t fair to you,” said Alex. “It was a momentary lapse.”

“A lapse?” Philippa frowned. “A lapse in what? In reality? In fakery? This isn’t real.”

“No,” said Alex, “I know. Which is why I’m sorry.”

Philippa took a deep breath. If she was going to be true to herself, she needed to be honest. She spoke quietly. “I sort of don’t want you to be sorry, though.”

Alex looked at Philippa, but didn’t speak.

“I wanted you to kiss me,” said Philippa. “I liked you kissing me. It was the perfect full stop to the sentences we’d been speaking. It felt right. And yes,” she said, pushing her drooping soggy hair out of her eyes, “I know you’re not my girlfriend and I’m not yours, but that felt real to me.”

Alex raised her eyebrows. “Well, I suppose that’s why I’m sorry. It was real. It felt real to me, too.”

Philippa’s heart rate increased. “So what does that mean?”

“It means we need to be careful. I don’t want to hurt you, and I know I could. I don’t think you want casual right now, and I don’t know that I can offer you anything meaningful.” Alex looked down at her feet and Philippa felt her heart sink.

“I mean, you’re right,” said Philippa. “I don’t want casual.

I can’t do casual at the same time as being a proper mum to Dottie.

I want to meet someone, but only if they’re the right person at the right time.

I don’t want to put you under pressure to be in anything you don’t want to be in. Can you look at me for a minute?”

Blood was rushing in her ears as Alex looked up, her eyes red. Philippa had to say this, even though she knew the likely outcome.

“You’re a far, far better person than you give yourself credit for.

So what if you’ve had casual flings? It doesn’t sound as though you’ve ever lied to anyone or pretended you’re more available than you are.

And I need to be completely honest with you, because I spent so much of my life not being true to myself.

I am attracted to you. I think I could be with you and even feel things for you.

So yes, I don’t want casual, but I do want you. ”

Philippa held out a hand to take one of Alex’s.

“And it’s fine. I’m not putting you under any pressure here, but I couldn’t leave and not tell you how I feel.

I think we could be something, given the chance.

Perhaps I’m being na?ve, but I do. And I know that’s not what you want.

I’m not telling you to try to persuade you to change your mind.

I’m telling you because I want you to know.

I need you to know. Nothing needs to change, we can still be friends.

Although I do wonder about the wisdom of pretending to be together, given we’re now standing here in the pouring rain like Hugh Grant and Andie McDowell. ”

Alex laughed. “Am I Hugh or Andie?”

“Neither,” said Philippa. “You’re Alex, and I’m rather fond of you. But if you had to be one, I’d say Hugh.”

“Fair,” said Alex. “Thank you for saying such nice things to me. You really are very kind. And thank you for understanding.” She squeezed Philippa’s hand and dropped it.

“You’re right. There is something here, but it’s my turn to be honest with you.

I told you I was in a long relationship. Well, I got divorced last year.”

Philippa raised her eyebrows. “Yeah,” said Alex. “I try not to talk about it. It was bad. I’m still working it all through. I’m not as good at this as you are. And I’ve not been able to maintain as good a relationship with my ex-wife as you have with your ex-husband.”

“I didn’t realise,” said Philippa. That must be who Seren was.

“That makes more sense now. And I guess our situations are quite different. I’m not heartbroken over the end of a marriage to someone I essentially hadn’t lived with for years.

He’d worked away for so long, it was like we separated long ago. ”

“I guess. But what I’m saying is, I’m a bit of a mess,” said Alex. “You deserve better than that. Especially as you haven’t had a relationship with a woman before. You don’t need my baggage.”

“Hmmm,” said Philippa. “I’m not sure anyone over thirty comes without baggage. And if they do, they’ve probably led a very dull life. But I do understand what you’re saying.”

The rain was getting lighter, more of a drizzle now.

“Will you come back to the bar?” asked Alex.

“Would you mind if I didn’t?” said Philippa. “While I know we’ve just had a very grown-up conversation about all this, I have to confess that I need a bit of time to process it. I loved kissing you, and I laid my heart a bit bare there. I could do with taking a bit of time.”

“Totally,” said Alex. “And again, I’m sorry. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret kissing you, but it was poor timing and in the wrong place. In another time and place this could have been different.”

Philippa gave a half smile. “Yeah,” she said. “Tell your friends it was lovely meeting them. You can tell them I had an emergency with Dottie, or something.”

“Sure,” said Alex, who looked sad now. “Can we still be friends?”

“I really hope so,” said Philippa, who could feel the sadness begin to overtake her as well. Worse, she thought for a moment she might actually cry, and she had no intention of doing that in front of Alex. “I’m going to jump in that taxi.”

Alex patted her shoulder awkwardly. “Text me when you get in.”

“I will,” said Philippa, quickly turning to wave at the black cab. She climbed in and it sped away, leaving Alex on the pavement, her wavy hair dripping down her back, her face unreadable.

Philippa’s head was spinning. That had, without question, been the best kiss of her life.

Her whole body had responded to it in a way she’d never expected or even thought possible.

It was less mechanical than any kiss she’d ever shared with her husband, and it was imbued with more emotion.

She was relieved to know that it had been real for Alex, too, but disappointed that Alex couldn’t see herself as able to have a meaningful relationship at the moment.

That was the hardest part. But she knew she owed it to her daughter to make sensible choices.

Philippa texted Chrissie to see if she was still up. She needed some kind of debrief from the evening’s revelations. Chrissie replied quickly, and she advised the driver to take her straight there.