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Chapter Twenty-Seven

P hilippa had never seen Alex looked as stressed as she did that evening. Once she’d checked Dottie was settled in bed, she emerged downstairs to see her friend sat on the sofa, her face strained, staring into space.

“Are you ok?” asked Philippa gently, not wanting to make Alex jump.

“Jess lied to Seren,” said Alex. “She told her I’m too busy to see her.”

Philippa pursed her lips. “She did. And it’s wrong and deeply unfair to both you and Seren.”

“What do I do now?” She turned and locked eyes with Philippa.

“Well, the first thing is we need to get you a proper routine to see her and spend quality time with her. From what you’ve said, this is a major issue,” said Philippa.

“And you think we can do that?” asked Alex, allowing herself a small smile.

“Yes,” said Philippa, “I do. But before we talk about how we do that, I really think you need a cup of tea and a biscuit or something.” Philippa walked towards the kitchen. “I’m not trying to mother you,” she called back into the living room, “but you look like you need some sustenance.”

Philippa could hear Alex chuckling in the living room, and was relieved the tension had been broken slightly. “I can’t believe you did that,” said Alex as she walked into the kitchen.

“What?” Philippa was filling the kettle.

“Pretended to be my solicitor!” said Alex, a little colour returning to her face.

Philippa shrugged. “Yeah, was I a bit much?”

“No, it was epic,” said Alex. “Did you see her face? That’s the first time I’ve seen her lost for words in the last two years.”

“I just hope it might make her think again in the future,” said Philippa, laying out mugs and teabags.

“The way you just ran off the legal stuff like that,” said Alex. “Properly impressive.”

Philippa shrugged again, but smiled. “That’s what I do. It’s my job.”

“Well, I appreciated it,” said Alex.

“Here, take this.” Philippa handed Alex a mug of steaming tea. “Toast? Dottie has strong-armed me into Nutella, so perhaps we should break that open?”

“Ooh yeah,” said Alex, “I could definitely do with that.”

Once back in the living room, they sat side by side on the sofa, toast on their laps and tea on the stylish coffee table in front of them.

“You look a little better now,” said Philippa.

“Thanks. It’s been a tough time, really. That’s why I don’t talk about Seren. It means talking about Jess and the mess I made of my old life.” Alex took a generous mouthful of her toast.

“I can understand that,” said Philippa, endeavouring to be more ladylike with her toast consumption, but beginning to understand Dottie’s obsession with chocolate spread.

“I just thought if I did everything Jess asked, she’d understand I wasn’t trying to threaten her relationship with Seren. I thought she’d ease up and allow me more access.” Alex sighed. “It didn’t work.”

“No,” said Philippa, “I can see that. In fact, I’m thinking that one of the things we need to do is start to work out a way of setting some boundaries for your benefit, and of course for Seren’s. My professional opinion, for what it’s worth, is that you need to start pushing back.”

“Easier said than done,” said Alex, her face clouding.

“Yes, I know.”

Philippa really did know. The minutiae of co-parenting and family dynamics were complicated and laden with emotion.

While the law was there to help, situations were sensitive and difficult in many ways.

“I feel perhaps that Jess is trying to control this situation. Perhaps even trying to control you a little.” She chose her words carefully.

She didn’t want to push Alex into an uncomfortable position.

“You do?” said Alex. She put her face into her hands for a moment. Philippa stayed quiet and put her arm around her friend’s shoulders. “I guess I can see why you might think that.”

Philippa breathed in the smell of Alex’s shampoo.

She knew it was wrong to allow her mind to wander like this while Alex was suffering, but it was impossible not to respond to the woman beside her.

It was as though all the desires she had ignored for so many years of her life were rushing to the surface.

“I’ve been so weak,” said Alex.

“No,” said Philippa, squeezing Alex’s shoulder with her hand.

“I really don’t think you have. You’ve maintained a relationship with your daughter in spite of everything.

I’ve met people in your position who have simply given up.

It’s clear your daughter adores you. You’ve done all you can to date, and now you need help.

And if you’ll let me, I think I can help you. ”

Alex lifted her head and allowed it to drop onto Philippa’s shoulder. “Thank you,” she breathed.

Philippa rested her own head on Alex’s, and they sat like that without speaking for a few minutes.

“Mummy!” came a voice from behind them. Dottie appeared, bleary-eyed in her Taylor Swift onesie, and the two women sprang apart.

“What are you doing down here?” asked Philippa brusquely. “You’re supposed to be asleep.”

“I was,” said Dottie, squeezing onto the sofa between Alex and Philippa. “But I woke up and needed a drink and realised I forgot to take up my water bottle.”

Philippa sighed. “Well, up you get, Dot, your water bottle’s probably in the kitchen. Go and get it.”

Dottie looked questioningly at her mother, before trotting out of the room.

Philippa shook her head. “For goodness’ sake.”

“I can’t find it!” came a shout.

“Sorry, Alex,” said Philippa, getting up to help her daughter in the search. She found Dottie standing in the middle of the kitchen gazing into space. “There,” said Philippa, immediately seeing the bottle next to the sink.

“Oh yeah,” said Dottie. “I didn’t see it.”

“Clearly.” Philippa raised an eyebrow.

“Is Alex your girlfriend?” asked Dottie in a stage whisper.

“No. And even if she was, it would still be bedtime,” said Philippa, annoyed at herself for going red. Dottie stared at her for a moment, before vanishing back upstairs.

“Sorry,” said Philippa again when she returned to the living room. “She’s so nosey. I’m pretty sure she was trying to figure out what’s going on. She’s a terrible gossip.”

Alex laughed. “I think she’s awesome.”

“So do I, most of the time,” admitted Philippa. “But evenings are me time – grown-up time. As a single parent I guard that as a precious commodity.”

“I get it,” said Alex, “although I so rarely get to have Seren stay over. I’m a bit envious of your setup, to be honest.”

“Yes,” said Philippa. “Sorry, it’s probably insensitive of me to complain.” Alex waved a hand to dismiss it. “I can see now why you’ve been so hesitant to be in a relationship, but can I just say, you have every right to have your own life. Who you are seeing has nothing to do with your ex.”

Alex looked at Philippa, and a familiar sensation washed over the solicitor. One that told her there was more to be said here, but that neither of them were saying it.

“You’re right,” said Alex. “Of course you’re right. I think I was just desperate to prove to Jess that I’m a legitimate parent.”

“But that’s the thing,” said Philippa, unable to resist resting her hand on Alex’s. “You have nothing to prove to her. You are a legitimate parent. That’s it, no discussion.”

Alex looked for a moment as though she might cry, but then something seemed to change. She raised the hand that Philippa was holding to Philippa’s cheek. “God, you’re difficult to resist, Philippa Samfire.”

Philippa froze.

“I know what I said,” continued Alex, “about being in the wrong place for a relationship. And who knows, perhaps that’s still true, but I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Philippa felt an electric current travel from where Alex’s hand touched her to her stomach, which was somersaulting in a way that was utterly distracting. She couldn’t ignore the way she felt any longer.

“The feeling is entirely mutual,” said Philippa, her voice barely above a whisper. “But I don’t want to take advantage of you while you’re in a vulnerable state.”

“Oh please do shut up,” breathed Alex. “I might be having a challenging day, but I know exactly what I’m doing.” She closed the gap between them and kissed Philippa.

Philippa’s body came to life, all the sensations she’d been imagining washing over her at once. She kissed Alex back, longing for their contact to linger longer than the last one had.

Alex’s lips were soft, but demanded more, causing Philippa to part her own. She wanted as much of Alex as she was willing to offer. She felt Alex’s tongue touch her own and she groaned audibly.

Alex pulled away momentarily. “You ok?” she asked.

Philippa knew she probably appeared flushed, but she smiled. “More than ok.”