Page 41

CHAPTER 41

ENOUGH

EMORY

The air slaps me as soon as I push through the door. By the time I get to the edge of the balcony, the cold is prickling my skin. I hope it will numb me, but I know it can't numb me where it matters. The only thing that might do that is the open bar back inside. But he's in there, and I'll wait out here all night if it means not having to face him.

"Emory?"

Fuck. I grab tight on the railing and pinch my eyes closed. If I ignore him, maybe he'll go away. Maybe all of this will go away.

"Damn it, Nyx."

I can't help but inhale as he slips his jacket over my shoulders, wrapping me in his warmth and his scent.

"I wasn't pretending in there." His words are cautious, tiptoeing to the edge but afraid of tumbling over. "That was me. That was the truth. And I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if I don't say it, I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. I love you, Nyx. From the moment I first saw you standing outside the dressing room. You're done with me after tonight, but I'll never be done with you."

I don't know if it's from the February air or the words, but I start shivering. Uncontrollable, full-body shaking. And I don't stop even when Kayden puts his arms around me and presses himself against my back. Tight to the furnace of heat that man puts off.

I wish I could believe every single one of his words, but it's too much to ask. Life doesn't just give me what I want. Not without strings attached and ready to yank it away just as I reach for it. So I'm afraid to reach for this.

"You said you knew sixty-two days ago?"

"You're freezing." The steam of his words swirls around me. "Let's go inside where it's warm. Let's go home and I'll turn the heat as high as it goes and give you every blanket in the house."

"No. Tell me what happened sixty-two days ago."

"I found you." He pauses, like he doesn't need to say anything more. "That's the night I came home and found you on the roof."

"The night I lost Rucio."

He brushes his lips across the back of my neck, and I want to melt into him. But I don't let myself.

"Seeing you shattered made me certain I would do whatever I could to keep you from ever feeling pain like that again. That's the night I realized what you are, Nyx."

"The night you started calling me that. Tell me what it means."

He spins me so I'm facing him. The yellow light from inside is so bright compared to the dark nothing of the mountains over the balustrade.

"Nyx is the goddess of night. I asked what you see when you look up at the night sky. Remember what you told me?"

"Forever." My word is just a whisper.

"You're my night sky, Emory. My forever."

Every molecule of air is pulled from my lungs as I look into his eyes. His eyes that have never wavered with me. Even now, they're steady as they fix on me.

"I know that's probably the last thing you want to hear from me, especially when it's the last night of our agreement. But that's why I need to say it. I love you in a way I never dreamed was possible, and I'm sorry to do this to you here on Brant and Lily's night, but if I didn't?—"

I can't listen to any more. Not when there are so many things I want him to know. I brush my lips across his. Lightly. Testing him. Testing myself. When his arms tighten around me and not even a ghost of my old panic rises, I kiss him. Using my lips to say everything I've wished I could say.

I slide my tongue across his lips until they part for me. Inviting. And I plunge right in. The shock of our mouths together is invigorating. My body tenses and then releases, a wave of warmth floods through me. I slide my hand around the back of his head, gripping his hair in my fist, grounding myself in him. Holding him tight. But the way his tongue moves in harmony with mine—the way his lips dance with my lips—I know he doesn't want to leave.

This is the first kiss I've shared with anyone since Seth. Since he punched me in the middle of the school hallway for daring to kiss him in public. Since everyone, including our math teacher, just watched and did nothing. They laughed as he called me a fag and spit on me while I lay on the cold floor looking up in horror. Like we hadn't kissed dozens of times when no one else was around. Like we hadn't done even more.

But none of the kisses I shared with Seth were like this. They never made me feel so warm. So seen. So loved. And now I'm glad I never kissed anyone else because no kiss could have ever compared to this. They would have been a series of disappointments strung like lights, showing me how inadequate every one of them was.

But not this one. Everything around me could tumble away. The entire existence I've known could disappear, but it wouldn't matter. Nothing would matter except this kiss. His arms around me. His body pressed to mine, fitting perfectly. The soft moan that escapes his lips, echoing everything that I'm feeling.

"Your rule…" Kayden whispers against my mouth.

I shake my head and our noses brush. "Not a rule anymore."

I want to propose a new rule. Instead of no kissing, there should be lots of kissing. All the kissing, all the time. It's just what I've been so frightened of this whole time. I'm afraid I'll never get enough of him.

I move back in for more, but before my lips can find his, Kayden's body tightens, and he takes half a step back. Our bodies are still barely touching, but a chill starts to gnaw at the edges. "I love you, Nyx, but…" He drags a hand across his mouth and takes another half step back. Cold rushes in to take his place.

"But what?" I reach for his other hand. Just to have some contact with him, even the tips of our fingers. And that's all he gives me. I hook my index finger around his just as he turns away.

"Kayden… I love you too. Is that what you need to hear? That night. When I couldn't save Rucio, you were the only person I called. Your voice was the only one I wanted to hear."

"What if it's not enough?" He steps up to the railing beside me, looking into the darkness of the Wasatch Mountains as he weaves his fingers through mine. "I've spent my whole life thinking I couldn't love someone."

"You were wrong."

He shakes his head. "What if I wasn't?" His quiet voice breaks under the words, and he sniffs. "My dad cheated before he left Mom. She thought they were forever, but… And that's exactly what I did to my first girlfriend. She wasn't enough for me. I wasn't strong enough. I cheated on her."

"Are you trying to break up with me right after we finally admit we love each other?" My forced laugh comes out dry and harsh. "You're saying I'm not enough for you?"

That's my fear with him, isn't it? That I'm not enough. That he won't want to be with someone like me.

"What? No. No!"

"You're used to a certain type of woman. Small and perfect, and that's not me." I have to look down to get the words out, but if we're being honest, we might as well go all the way.

When he lets go of my hand, I know I hit on it. His dad didn't think his mom was enough, so he left her. Kayden is afraid the same thing will happen with me. Hell, my own dad doesn't think I'm enough, so how can I expect Kayden to think that I am?

But he presses his palm to my cheek, and I look up. The light from inside reflects off the wet streaks running from his eyes. "There's nothing small about you. Not your personality or your intelligence or your passion for the people you love. Don't ever make yourself small for me, Nyx. It's me. I'm the one who's not enough. You're…" he wipes a thumb across the bottom of his eye. "Everything. And I'm so scared." He looks up toward the stars and does his best to blink away the tears.

"Of what?" I breathe.

His jaw tightens, and his Adam's apple bobs as he swallows. "You know what I remember most about my dad before he left? The way he would smile and tell me I'd grow up to be just like him. I felt so proud. It was all I wanted. Then I found out who he really was, and I spent years convincing myself I was nothing like him. Until I cheated on my first real girlfriend. Until I saw the look on her face when I told her. Dad was right, Emory. I grew up to be just like him. So I decided to let the world think I'm just a stereotypical playboy athlete. That way, I can't hurt anyone else."

"Except yourself." I plant a kiss on each of his eyes, tasting the salt of the tears. "Pretending to be someone else fractures a little more of your soul each day until there's only emptiness and crumbled pieces. I know what that's like. Stop pretending, Kayden."

"What if I hurt you? What if I really am just like him?" The words barely leave his mouth. "What if I wreck you like he did to Mom?"

I wrap my arms around his neck and guide him closer until I feel his body against mine. "That fear is the proof that you aren't like him. Do you think he has a hard time living with what he did to your mom? You won't wreck me… At least not in the bad way." I smirk and the corner of his mouth lifts toward something resembling a smile. "I trust you, Kayden. I. Trust. You." I press a kiss on his lips to punctuate each word .

With the last kiss, he wraps his arms around my waist and spins me so my back is pressed against the railing. His mouth falls on mine again. It's tender at first. Careful. But it's not long before his soft lips beg roughly for more.

"All day, I kept thinking about what Brant has with Lily. I want that with you, Nyx. I want to try it with you."

I trail kisses along his jaw, already prickly with five o'clock shadow. It's exactly what I want too, and now I'm not afraid to admit it.

"Do or do not." I tease. "There is no try."

Without warning, he lifts me. I shriek and hook my legs around his waist as he slides his hands under my ass to support me. "Then I want to do it with you. All night. So many nights."

I groan. "You did that on purpose, didn't you? And I walked right into it."

"Let's say goodbye to Brant and Lily. I'm sure neither one will object to us leaving early."

"Okay… What are you doing? Let me go."

He walks us to the door, pulling it open with one hand while still supporting me with the other. My cheeks feel like they're on fire, and I do my best to hide my face in the crook of his neck as every eye turns toward us.

"Never letting you go," he whispers. "I love feeling your legs around me. Now, give a quick wave so we can leave."

"God, I fucking hate you."

He brushes a kiss against my forehead. "I know."