Page 39

CHAPTER 39

BOTH DIRECTIONS

EMORY

I'm not going to cry.

I repeat it to myself over and over as I flash one last smile to Lily before I join Chloe in the broad hall outside the bridal suite.

Brant and his groomsmen are already lined up directly across from us, and I feel Kayden's stare as soon as I step out of the doorway. I don't dare more than a covert glance from the corner of my eye until I notice Brant move between us, blocking Kayden's view of me as they talk to each other and freeing me to look that direction.

I don't know what men say to each other in situations like this. They're probably talking about sports or exaggerating the size of their penises or something. Not that Kayden needs to exaggerate.

My cheeks heat at the thought, and at that exact moment—because god apparently wants me to suffer—Brant steps aside, and Kayden's attention comes right to me. I look away, but it's too late.

"What's wrong?" Chloe asks as I carefully examine the tile under my feet for any cracks.

"Nothing. Why would you ask?"

"Because Kayden is staring at you the way Silver looks at me when I'm eating chips, and you're staring at the floor like you wish you'd fall into the Earth's core."

I turn my back to Kayden, but I can still feel his eyes on me. "Don't give Silver too many chips. The sodium and fat aren't good for him."

"Yeah, that was definitely the thing you should have taken away from what I said. Not that your boyfriend is looking at you like he wants to sneak you away into one of the closed museum wings."

"Chloe!" I hiss at her. "He's not looking at me like that! And you're too young to know, even if he were."

"Sorry. I forgot everyone seems to think I'm six, not sixteen. I don't understand why you two don't just admit what's going on. You obviously like each other. I mean, you are engaged to him."

"Only so he can renew his contract," I whisper. "It's all fake."

Chloe steps between me and the wall, giving me no choice but to look at her. "I know I'm only a sweet, innocent baby who doesn't know anything about the grownup world." Damn, this girl can lay sarcasm so thick you could build a house on it. "But this isn't fake."

I shake my head. She might be way too smart for her own good, but she clearly doesn't know as much about the adult world as she thinks. But before I can tell her how wrong she is, the crowd quiets. In front of us, the officiant begins walking toward the platform set up at the end of the aisle. Brant's parents follow. Then Milo and Brant.

One of the wedding coordinators ushers Chloe forward to where Sammy waits to escort her. That means I need to move forward too. Toward Kayden and that damn handsome grin of his.

He holds his arm out for me, but I freeze before I get to him. All I can do is stare, even as the guests around us start murmuring awkwardly. Finally, he steps up and slips his arm through mine. The thick sleeve of his jacket does nothing to stop his heat from pouring into me. I try to commit the feeling to memory, knowing this is the last time I'll feel it, but there are too many emotions whirling inside me. I can't concentrate. As soon as I let go, I'll forget what it's like to touch him. Maybe that's for the best.

"So I've been thinking," he whispers. "A lot. "

"Why are you wearing your glasses? You never wear them in public."

"Because my contacts were bothering me, and I didn't want to go through the whole night with irritated eyes? Listen to me for just a?—"

"They look good on you. You shouldn't have worn them." He knows what this night is, and he has no right to make himself even more attractive. To hell with his eye comfort.

The coordinator waves for us to hurry, so I tug Kayden's arm, trying my best to smile and failing miserably.

"I'll wait in my room tomorrow until you're gone," I tell him under my breath. "Once you leave, I'll pack my things."

His arm tightens around mine. "That's what I want to talk?—"

"When you get back, it'll be like I was never there."

This has to be a clean cut, unlike with Seth.

That breakup was messy. Even after what happened in the hallway—in front of what felt like the entire school—I had hope. I thought he would apologize, tell me that he didn't mean it.

When I didn't hear from him, I messaged him. Over and over. I told him that I forgave him. That I still loved him. I begged him to take me back, like I was the one in the wrong.

It took almost two weeks for him to respond. I've still never admitted to anyone the hopeful rise I felt in my chest when I saw his name pop up on my phone. Only to be ground to dust when I read what he typed.

Leave me alone! I'm not interested, Red. And don't you dare tell anyone about us, or I'll make sure you regret it. Besides, who would ever believe I would date something like you?

That's when the panic attacks started. I'd already been too ashamed to go back to school, but after his message, I knew I could never go back. Just thinking about being in the same classes as him would rip the air from my lungs and send my heart spiraling out of control. Mom had to homeschool me from then on.

I can't let that happen to me again. I have to be strong this time .

"Emory! Will you listen to me?" Kayden jerks us to a stop, but we're already at the end of the aisle.

"This is where we say goodbye." I slip my arm free from his and step up onto the platform beside Chloe.

Behind us there's a floor-to-ceiling display case filled with fossils and turtle shells, pine cones and leaf pressings. In the center of it all, there are hundreds of preserved butterflies arranged so they appear to be flying through the case, rising from the artifacts of the past. It's the perfect metaphor for Lily, for everything she's overcome, and I can't imagine her saying her vows anywhere else.

When she appears at the back of the crowd, every sound in the room stops and everyone turns toward her. Silver presses himself tight to her side as they walk down the aisle. With each step, her smile grows until I don't know how it can get any larger. But it does.

When she's halfway to the platform where we're waiting for her, I make the mistake of looking at Brant. His lips are parted and his eyes are glistening, but beside him, Kayden's eyes are burning into me.

I turn back toward Lily right away, but it doesn't help. Even though I don't look at him again, my skin prickles under his stare through the whole ceremony. Through the pictures afterward. Through the serving of the first course. And the entire time, my chest aches, knowing I can't even pretend he's mine after tonight.

"How bad's it going to be? Honestly." I jump at the reminder that Lily is sitting right next to me at the head table.

"I'll be fine. I just need—wait, what are you talking about?"

She rolls her eyes. "Your maid of honor speech. What did you think I was talking about?"

It feels like someone slips a knife between my ribs. All night I've been grieving the loss of something I knew would never be mine, and I let that distract me from what this evening is really about. Her. Lily, Brant, and Chloe finally getting the family they all deserve.

"Have I told you how happy I am for you, Mrs. Morrison?" I pull her in to a hug, vowing to focus only on her from here on. "But you know who would be even happier? Your dad. He would have loved Brant and especially Chloe. But most of all, he'd have loved seeing you like this. I hope he's able to know just how happy you are, Lily."

"I think he knows," she sniffs. "You're making me cry again. I've cried enough today."

"God, no kidding," Chloe says from my other side. "And last night. And the day before yesterday. Basically, this whole week."

"Shush!" Lily playfully swats at the girl and then wipes away the tears that slipped free. "It's my wedding week. I'm allowed to cry. And I'll warn you now, when this family takes the next step—when the judge grants your adoption—I'm going to cry then too. So you'd better start preparing now."

I expect Chloe to have a sarcastic counter, but she doesn't. "I'll probably cry then too." A quick smile spreads across her face before she schools her expression back to the aloof teenager look that she's mastered so well.

"You're part of my family too." Lily shoulder bumps me. "An original member. And as an original member, you wouldn't dare say anything embarrassing about me in your speech, right?"

"You know me better than that." I draw in a deep breath as I stand. An event staffer hands me a microphone right away, like they've been stationed behind me waiting for just this moment.

"Em? That doesn't exactly put me at ease. Emory?" She hisses at me, but I walk away without a word, scanning the crowd to make sure I have everyone's attention before turning on the mic.

"Some of you already know me. For those of you who don't, I'm sorry. I'm really quite amazing, and you've been missing out." I wait for the polite laughs to settle before I move on. "I'm Emory Hopkins, and I've been Lily's best friend since college.

"We met in an Intro to Philosophy course?—"

"Ugh, Dr. Jeffries was the worst," Lily interrupts.

"He really was. It takes a special talent to be that bad at teaching. Anyway, Lily introduced herself to me after the very first class. She'd noticed that I rolled my eyes almost as much as she did, and she thought—rightly—that it meant we might get along .

"We did. Right away.

"The next semester, we moved in together. We were inseparable through the rest of college, our graduate school years, and even the beginnings of our careers. She didn't just become my best friend, she became the sister I'd always wished for.

"Then she left Denver to come back home to Salt Lake City. A few of you know that she didn't want to move back here. It was a tragedy that forced her to do it. I think it was fate, though.

"If she hadn't been forced back to Salt Lake City, she would have never met Brant or Chloe, and we wouldn't be a few minutes away from enjoying all the free alcohol they're buying for us tonight." I raise my glass, and someone shouts a woo. I'm pretty sure it's Jonas.

"Before I met Brant, I thought all athletes were egotistical bastards who only cared about themselves. I thought sports were the stupidest and most boring things in the world. But Brant has shown me that's not true. Not about sports being boring. That's unequivocally true." The members of the Sting, sitting at the tables to my left, boo before they start laughing. "The truth hurts, boys.

"He showed me that not all athletes are arrogant assholes. There are at least two who aren't." I don't have to look at Kayden to know that his eyes are still fixed on me. His gaze hasn't stopped heating my skin since I took the mic. "And fate made sure that my best friend met one of them.

"I never knew what real love was until I saw it with Lily and Brant. In the last eighteen months, I learned that it's not always the perfect love we grow up fantasizing about. Sometimes it's sloppy. Sometimes…" I swallow to clear the pressure building in the back of my throat as I look at Lily. Her face is lit by a happiness I'll never know. I try to hold on to my smile for her sake as I move behind her, but the harder I try, the faster it slips. "Sometimes it's unrequited. Filled with pain. Sometimes love tears us to little pieces just because it can.

"But no matter what, love has to flow in both directions for it to truly work. When it doesn't?" I close my eyes and focus on the feel of the microphone in my hand. The pins pulling my hair. The ground under me. The back of Lily's chair as I lean forward against it. "It's okay," I whisper. "It really is. No one's to blame."

I rest my hand on Lily's shoulder, and she turns to face me, her eyebrows raised in a silent question. "But it does flow both directions for my best friend. For her husband. For Chloe. So everyone, please join me in toasting Lily, Brant, and Chloe, and their love." I hold my glass out for half a second before I drain it and drop into my seat.

Lily takes my hand and squeezes, but I'm too weak to squeeze back. "You're wrong about Kayden," she whispers. "It's obvious he can't live without you."

"Clearly he can. But who said I was talking about him?"

She gives me a side eye so sharp I should check for puncture wounds. "Remember that whole 'sisters' thing you just said about us? That means you can't hide anything from me. And you really need to stop hiding it from him. Let him know how you feel. You'll be surprised."

"I'm so happy for you, Lil. But we're not all meant to be happy."