Page 7

CHAPTER 7

SERPENTS SINGLES GROUP CHAT

Lawson: Can we please talk about how I am STILL hungover from New Year’s?

Lawson: And how even though I’m still hungover, I AM A GOD WHO SCORED NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT THREE MOTHERFUCKING GOALS.

Lawson: BOW TO ME, YOU PEASANTS!

Keller: Wow. A hat trick. That’s like SO amazing, Lawsy.

Lawson: I know you typed that with the utmost sarcasm, but I also know deep down, you sincerely meant that.

Keller: I absolutely did not.

Lawson: Liar.

Hayes: I would just like to point out that you got a hatty against the goalie with the worst save percentage in the league. Just sayin’.

Lawson: Fox, weigh in here. Does it still count?

Fox: Of course it counts.

Fox: And it doesn’t make it any less hard. You should be proud of yourself, Lawsy.

Lawson: Aww. Thanks, Foxy. I love you.

Fox: I love you too.

Keller: Fuck me. Please do not start with all that sappy shit again. I can’t stomach it.

Lawson: You’re just mad because nobody is saying they love you, Kells.

Keller: Again, liar.

Locke: I don’t know. I think Lawson might be right.

Lawson: I’d offer to high-five you for that, Locke, but I don’t want to hurt your brittle old bones.

Locke: Never mind, Keller. Continue being mean to Lawson. I’m fine with it.

Lawson: Aw, man.

Hayes: Your own fault for screwing that one up.

Lawson: I was only teasing!

Lawson: Locke, come back and love me!

Locke: I’ll pass.

Lawson: Foxy?

Fox: I still love you, man.

Hutch: That was sweet. Now, can everyone please shut up? You’re blowing up my phone, and I’m actually trying to get shit done on our day off.

Lawson: Liar. I bet you’re sexting with Auden.

Hutch: We don’t sext.

Hutch: We video call.

Hutch: And you’re just jealous because Rory only talks to you when no one else is around.

Lawson: FALSE! Did you see us at the New Year’s Eve party? She danced with me in front of everyone!

Hayes: Uh, was that actually dancing? Or did you just awkwardly grind on her while she stood there?

Lawson: It was totally dancing.

Hutch: Sure thing, Lawsy.

Locke: Keep telling yourself that, bud.

Keller: It was quite possibly the most disturbing thing I’ve ever witnessed.

Fox: Aw, man. I missed it.

Locke: That’s because you were busy with Lilah.

Hayes: Wait. Auden’s best friend Lilah?

Keller: Yep. They were all over each other.

Fox: We were not.

Fox: We were just dancing.

Fox: At an appropriate distance apart.

Keller: Her ass on your crotch was not an “appropriate distance.”

Hutch: Yeah, it was a bit much at times. Lilah’s like a sister to me now. But one I like.

Locke: Wow. What a dig to your actual sister.

Hutch: STEPSISTER.

Hutch: And she’s evil, remember?

Locke: Isn’t she going through a divorce still?

Hutch: She is. Been going through it longer than she was actually married.

Locke: Have you thought about being nicer to her, then?

Hutch: No because she’s still evil. Trust me. And be thankful you’ve never met her.

Lawson: Can we please go back to the conversation at hand?

Hayes: Which was?

Lawson: Fox and Lilah getting freaky on the dance floor.

Keller: The only freaky thing was your dance moves.

Lawson: Excuse me. I am a GREAT dancer.

Keller: Who said? Your mom?

Keller: Speaking of her… How’s she doing, Lawsy? Missing me?

Lawson: Keller, I swear…

Keller: What? What are you going to do about it?

Lawson: Punch you.

Keller: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Keller: Make my day and try. Please. I am begging you.

Fox: Come on, guys. Let’s play nice.

Hayes: I feel like this IS them playing nice.

Locke: Sadly, you might be right, Hayesy.

Fox: They love each other. They just won’t admit it.

Hutch: Not true. Lawson will admit it freely. It’s Keller holding back.

Keller: Because I don’t love him!

Fox: You do too. Stop being mean and tell him you do.

Lawson: Yeah, Kells. Tell me you love me.

Keller: Swear I’m blocking all of you.

Lawson: You’d never.

Hayes: Not happening. You’d miss us too much.

Keller: Ugh. Don’t start that shit too, Hayesy. You’re starting to sound like Lawson.

Hayes: Rude.

Lawson: What a beautiful compliment, Kells.

Hutch: I’m with Hayes on that one.

Lawson: GASP! You could be my brother-in-law one day, Hutchy, and you’re choosing Hayes over me?

Hutch: Yeah, and I have zero issues with doing so.

Lawson: Why is everyone so mean to me?

Lawson: And why is nobody talking about how Fox and Lilah were GETTING FREAKY ON THE DANCE FLOOR? THEY WERE BUMPING AND GRINDING!

Hayes: Because we don’t care.

Hayes: And don’t say bumping and grinding. It’s weird.

Hutch: I kind of care.

Hutch: But also I don’t because we’re all grown-ass adults and can do what we want.

Lawson: Well, I’m just saying. There’s something going on there. I can tell.

Fox: Why are you talking about me like I’m not in this group chat too?

Lawson: Because I talk about EVERYONE like they aren’t in this group chat.

Locke: That’s fair. He does do that.

Hayes: It’s annoying, but we just expect it at this point.

Keller: I vote we kick him out.

Hayes: Motion seconded.

Locke: Thirded.

Lawson: Wait…

Hutch: I am 1000% on board with that, especially if it means you assholes shut up.

Lawson: OMG, YOU ARE A TERRIBLE POTENTIAL FUTURE brOTHER-IN-LAW!

Lawson: I WILL REMEMBER THIS, REED HUTCHINSON!

Hutch: I’m fine with that.

Keller: Foxy?

Fox: I think he should stay.

Keller: LOL, just kidding. It’s 4–1. He’s gone.

Keller: Bye bye, Lawsy!

Lawson: NO! No, no, no!

Lawson: I’m not going anywhere.

Lawson: You aren’t kicking me out. It’s not happening. RIGHT?

Lawson: Guys?

Lawson: GUYS???

Lawson: SOMEONE COME BACK AND LOVE ME!

Fox: I still love you, Lawsy.

Lawson: This is why you’re my favorite, Fox.

Lawson: I take back all I said about you getting freaky with Lilah on the dance floor. You do you, baby. You do you.

Fox: Uh, thanks, I guess?

Lawson: Any time, bestie. 3

Keller: Fucking hell. I really hate this group chat sometimes.

Lawson: LOVE YOU, KELLER!

Keller: Once again, I am begging you, DELETE ME.