Page 16

CHAPTER 16

SERPENTS SINGLES GROUP CHAT

Lawson: I have something that’s been weighing on me, and I need to get it off my chest.

Keller: I don’t care.

Lawson: Shut up, Kells.

Keller: Good one, Lawsy.

Locke: What’s going on?

Hayes: Everything okay, man?

Keller: Christ, have you gone soft too, Hayesy?

Hayes: I’m not soft. Just being a good friend, you dick.

Keller: And proud of it.

Lawson: Anyone else completely hurt that Fox never told us he’s been seeing Lilah?

Lawson: Like, I thought we were besties, Fox. How could you not trust us with this?!?!

Keller: You are a grown-ass man, Lawson. Why are you calling other grown-ass men your bestie???

Hayes: To be fair, this is Lawson you’re talking to. Is he really that grown?

Keller: Excellent point, Hayesy. I like you again.

Hayes: Whatever.

Locke: For once, I’m on Lawson’s side. How could you not tell us, Fox?

Fox: It’s a little thing called privacy.

Lawson: There is no privacy amongst teammates.

Fox: There was when Hutch was sleeping with Auden and breaking the rules.

Fox: And when you were seeing Rory in secret.

Fox: And when Hayes was banging his nanny.

Hayes: Hey now…

Fox: I’m just saying. We have plenty of secrets among us.

Fox: I’m sure Locke and Keller are hiding something too.

Locke: I’m an open book. Ask me anything.

Lawson: Keller?

Keller: I’m not telling anyone shit.

Lawson: You’re totally hiding something. I can feel it.

Keller: Or hear me out: I just don’t like you and don’t want to tell you a damn thing.

Hutch: You’re going to have to stop saying you don’t like him. People are going to start believing you.

Keller: Good. It’s true.

Locke: If it were true, you wouldn’t be in this group chat with him. Or the club.

Hutch: We are NOT a club.

Lawson: Shut up, Hutch. Yes we are.

Lawson: And you do too like me, Kells. Just say it.

Keller: Never.

Hayes: He doesn’t need to say it. We all know it’s true, even if he never admits it.

Lawson: Speak for yourself, Hayesy. I want to hear him say it.

Keller: Again, never.

Lawson: Booo!

Fox: Yeah, booo!

Lawson: Hey, you’re still here. Good. Why didn’t you tell us about Lilah?

Fox: Busy, busy, busy.

Lawson: You aren’t busy! Come back here and explain yourself!

Fox: There’s nothing to explain. We were seeing each other, it got serious, and now we’re getting married. What else is there to say?

Lawson: Why didn’t you tell us you were dating?

Fox: P-R-I-V-A-C-Y

Lawson: N-O

Fox: I’m done with this conversation.

Lawson: Aw, don’t leave too.

Hutch: Shouldn’t you be napping? We have a game in a few hours. Go sleep.

Lawson: Are you saying that as my captain or as your regular old grumpy self?

Hutch: Whoa. I am NOT old. That’s Locke.

Locke: Gee, thanks, Hutchy.

Hutch: Sorry not sorry, bud.

Locke: For the record, I’m not that old.

Lawson: LOLOLOLOL

Lawson: Yes you are.

Lawson: You were born in the ’80s.

Lawson: That’s old.

Locke: I’m starting to understand why Keller hates you.

Keller: FINALLY!

Lawson: All right fine. You’re not old. You’re just…seasoned.

Locke: That makes me feel like I’m a steak or something.

Fox: Mmm. Steak sounds good.

Lawson: That’s what you should serve at your wedding.

Fox: That sounds expensive. I thought you were cheap.

Lawson: I am. With my money. That’s your money. I’m not paying for it.

Fox: Just reaping the benefits?

Lawson: Now you’re getting it.

Keller: I’m not going to the wedding unless there’s steak. Everyone gets obnoxiously mushy during them.

Locke: Huh. I wonder why. It’s almost like it’s a ceremony celebrating love.

Hayes: He’s just jealous.

Lawson: SO jealous.

Lawson: Oooh. Maybe we should try to find Keller a date for the wedding.

Lawson: We can all band together and find someone who will tolerate his grumpy ass.

Keller: Don’t even fucking think about it.

Hayes: Why not? Getting laid regularly will help your attitude problem.

Keller: Bold coming from you. It didn’t help yours.

Hutch: Or mine before someone tries to throw me under the bus.

Locke: Like you did to me by calling me old?

Hutch: Again, not sorry about that, bud.

Hutch: Sure is fun to try though, isn’t it, Hayesy?

Hayes: Very much so.

Lawson: Yes, I also love trying.

Hayes: Shut up, Lawson.

Hutch: Shut up, Lawson.

Locke: Shut up, Lawson.

Lawson: What? Nothing from you, Kells?

Keller: Nah. They got it covered.

Lawson: Fox?

Fox: Who said ANY of you assholes are invited to my wedding?

Lawson: Of course we’re invited. I’m the best man, remember?

Fox: But you’re not, remember?

Fox: My brother would be my best man.

Lawson: We are brothers, brother.

Fox: My ACTUAL brother.

Lawson: Ouch. Not gonna lie, that hurt.

Hutch: Are you saying Greer wouldn’t be YOUR best man?

Lawson: Of course Greer would be my best man, just like I was his.

Lawson: God, I wish you all could have seen the look on Grady Miller’s face. He was devastated. It was hilarious.

Locke: Still can’t believe that guy is married. Thought he’d never settle down.

Keller: Settling down is for the weak. No offense, Fox.

Fox: Thanks?

Lawson: Stop being such a sourpuss, Kells.

Keller: Why? I’ve perfected the scowl. No reason not to keep using it.

Lawson: You’re never going to get a woman like that. They don’t like scowling.

Keller: Not what your mom said.

Hayes: Walked right into that one, Lawsy.

Hutch: Speak for yourself on the scowling thing. Women like it just fine, Keller. Trust me.

Lawson: Ah, yes, Mr. Grump Butt. How could I forget Auden’s little nickname for you?

Hutch: If you know what’s best for you, you’ll forget it.

Lawson: I’m not afraid of you.

Hutch: You should be.

Fox: Guys…

Lawson: Yeah, Hutchy, settle down.

Fox: I was talking to you, too, Lawson.

Lawson: Hey, be nice or I won’t be your best man.

Fox: For the last time, you are NOT my best man.

Lawson: We’ll see about that.