Page 9 of Dust and Desire (Sagebrush Cowboys #5)

Dustin

I t had been three days since Alex’s late-night visit to my cabin, and I still couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw him standing there in my doorway, that easy smile on his face, those knowing eyes trailing over my body.

I’d replayed his parting words at least a hundred times…

“I won’t bite unless you ask nicely.”

God, I wanted to ask. I wanted to beg.

But I hadn’t seen him since that night. It was like he’d vanished into thin air, which was ridiculous considering how small Sagebrush Ranch was.

I’d caught glimpses of his black hat in the distance, watched him riding alongside Colt at the far end of the pasture, but he hadn’t come close enough for conversation.

Part of me wondered if he was avoiding me. Maybe I’d misread the entire situation. Maybe his flirting was just his natural way of talking to everyone, and I was a pathetic, lonely man seeing what I wanted to see.

I sighed, staring at the empty Word document on my laptop screen. I’d been trying to write something… anything for the past hour, but my mind kept drifting back to Alex. To his tanned skin. To the invitation in his eyes. How was a man supposed to get anything done with someone like Alex around?

A knock at my door made me jump. My heart leapt into my throat. Was it him? Had my prayers been answered?

I scrambled to my feet, running a hand through my hair in a futile attempt to tame it before yanking open the door.

“Hey, Dustin.” It was Dakota, not Alex. I tried to hide my disappointment as he held up a paper bag. “Mom sent over some of her apple pie. Said you missed dessert last night.”

“Thanks,” I said, taking the bag. “You didn’t have to come all the way out here.”

Dakota shrugged, leaning against the doorframe. “No big deal. Besides, I wanted to check on you. You’ve been even more of a hermit than usual lately.”

I felt a flush creep up my neck. “Just busy with... work.”

Dakota raised an eyebrow, clearly not buying it. “Right. Well, there’s a bonfire tonight. By the lake. Everyone’s going.”

“Everyone?” I couldn’t help asking, and immediately regretted it when Dakota’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“Yeah, everyone. Including that new hand you’ve been avoiding.”

“I haven’t been?—”

“Save it,” Dakota cut me off with a knowing smirk. “I’ve seen you duck behind buildings when Reyes comes around. Real subtle by the way.”

I groaned, covering my face with my free hand. “Is it that obvious?”

“Only to someone who’s been watching,” Dakota said, his voice softening. “Look, whatever’s going on between you two, you can’t solve it by hiding in your cabin. Come tonight. Have a beer. Talk to the guy.”

“There’s nothing going on,” I protested weakly.

Dakota just looked at me, his expression a mix of amusement and pity. “Is that why you’re so holed up in this cabin? Because you wish there was something going on? ”

My heart leapt into my throat, and I forced my gaze to the floor, unable to speak.

“So that’s it,” Dakota grinned, that knowing smile almost more than I could bear. “You’ve got a crush on him, don’t you?”

I opened my mouth to deny it, but no words came out. Heat spread across my face like wildfire.

“I thought so,” Dakota said, his voice surprisingly gentle. “Look, I’m not judging. Just... come to the bonfire, okay? Stop hiding.”

I clutched the bag of pie tighter, the paper crinkling under my grip. “I don’t know, Dakota. I’m not really a bonfire kind of guy.”

“You weren’t a ranch kind of guy either, but here you are.” He pushed off from the doorframe. “Eight o’clock. Bring a jacket. It gets cold by the water.”

Before I could formulate another excuse, Dakota was striding away, his long strides carrying him quickly across the yard. I watched him go, anxiety and anticipation warring in my chest.

A bonfire. With Alex there. The thought made my palms sweat.

I shut the door and leaned against it, much like I had after seeing Alex naked at the creek. It seemed all I did these days was lean against things, trying to catch my breath after encounters that left me reeling.

“Fuck it,” I muttered, setting the pie on the counter.

Dakota was right. I couldn’t keep hiding. And if Alex was avoiding me, well, at least I’d know for sure. No more of this limbo, this endless replaying of moments that might have meant nothing to him but everything to me.

Besides, it was high time I did something with another man.

I’d left my wife and my life behind me because I knew it wasn’t what I wanted.

But so far all I’d done in Sagebrush was avoid what I wanted.

And if I kept doing that, then what was all my sacrifice for?

Even if Alex wasn’t my person, he might at least be able to show me what it was like to be myself for once. That had to be worth something, right?

I spent the rest of the afternoon in a state of nervous anticipation, changing my outfit three times before settling on jeans and a blue button-down that Ali once told me brought out my eyes. I trimmed my beard, dabbed on cologne, then wiped most of it off, worried it was too much.

By the time eight o’clock rolled around, I was a mess of nerves. I’d almost talked myself out of going twice, but the memory of Dakota’s knowing look kept me moving forward. I grabbed a six-pack from my fridge as a peace offering and headed out into the night.

The walk to the lake wasn’t long, but each step felt heavier than the last. I could see the glow of the fire before I reached it, hear the laughter and music floating across the water. For a moment, I paused at the edge of the trees, watching.

They all looked so comfortable together.

Caroline Baker sat in a folding chair, her weathered face animated as she talked to Beau.

Dakota was stoking the fire, while Logan and some of the other hands were passing around bottles of beer.

And there, on the far side of the fire, was Alex.

The flames cast golden light across his features, shadows dancing in the hollows of his cheeks.

He was laughing at something Colt had said, his head thrown back, throat exposed.

God, he looked delicious…

I almost turned around right then. What place did I have among these people? I was an outsider, a city boy playing at country life. No matter how long I stayed on Baker Ranch, I felt like I was out of place. It was my home now and yet, I felt like more of an imposter than ever.

But then Alex looked up, as if sensing my presence, and our eyes locked across the fire. His smile widened when he saw me, and he raised his beer bottle in a small salute. The simple gesture sent warmth flooding through my chest, chasing away my doubts.

“Well, well,” Caroline called out, having followed Alex’s gaze. “Look what the cat dragged in. Dustin, get your ass over here before you change your mind and bolt.”

Heat crept up my neck as everyone turned to look at me. I forced my feet to move, emerging from the tree line with what I hoped passed for confidence.

“Hey, everyone. I brought beer,” I said lamely, holding up the six-pack like a fool.

“My kind of man,” Colt grinned, reaching for one of the bottles. “Come sit. We were just telling embarrassing stories about Caroline’s barrel racing days.”

“They were not embarrassing,” Caroline protested, but her eyes sparkled with mirth. “That horse had it out for me, I swear.”

I found myself an empty spot on one of the logs arranged around the fire, trying not to notice that it put me directly across from Alex. Trying and failing. Every time I looked up, he was watching me, those brown eyes reflecting the firelight.

“So, Dustin,” Logan said, settling beside me with a fresh beer. “Dakota says you’ve been writing. What kind of stuff are you working on?”

I nearly choked on my drink. “Just... personal stuff. Nothing interesting.”

“Come on,” Alex spoke up, his voice carrying easily across the crackling flames. “I bet it’s more interesting than you think. What got you started?”

The question was innocent enough, but the way he asked it, leaning forward slightly, his full attention focused on me... it made my mouth go dry.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “I guess I needed something to do with my hands. With my mind. The quiet out here... it makes you think.”

“Good thinking or bad thinking?” Alex asked, and there was something in his tone that made me wonder if he understood more than he was letting on.

“Both,” I admitted, taking another swig of beer for courage. “Depends on the day.” I shook my head. “But I haven’t come up with anything good yet. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to say. ”

“It must be important then,” Caroline grinned. “Almost two years and you haven’t figured out what you want to say yet.”

“Y-Yeah… I guess…”

“Give the man a break,” Alex chimed in, coming to my rescue. “I’ve been here a week and I’m fairly certain the lot of you couldn’t string together six words to save your lives.”

That caused an uproar, taking the heat off me. Alex took his lashing from the others, but he just smiled through it, shooting me quick glances. I couldn’t help but smile back and feel thankful for his intervention.

The conversation flowed around us after that, but I found myself only half-listening.

I was too aware of Alex, of the way the firelight played across his features, of how his laugh sent shivers down my spine.

Every so often, our eyes would meet, and the intensity in his gaze made my breath catch. He was such a beautiful man.

As the night wore on, people began to drift away. Caroline was the first to go, claiming an early morning. Dakota and Logan followed not long after, and soon it was just me, Alex, Colt, and Beau around the dying fire.

“I should probably head back too,” Colt said, stretching. “Got to help Caroline with the new horses tomorrow.”

Beau nodded, standing and brushing dirt off his jeans. “Yeah, me too. Lucas is probably waiting up for me. You coming, Dustin?”

I glanced at Alex, who was still seated, poking at the embers with a stick. “I think I’ll stay a bit longer. Make sure the fire’s properly out.”

Beau gave me a knowing look but didn’t comment. “Alright. See you tomorrow.”

Colt gave me a wink. “Have a good night.”

And then it was just the two of us.

The silence stretched between us, filled only by the crackling of dying flames and the gentle lapping of water against the shore.

Alex continued prodding the fire, sending sparks dancing up into the night sky.

I watched his hands, mesmerized by the way his fingers gripped the stick, the way the tendons in his forearms shifted with each movement.

“You don’t really need to make sure the fire’s out, do you?” Alex said finally, his voice low and rough.

My heart hammered against my ribs. “No. I don’t.”

He looked up then, meeting my eyes across the glowing embers. “Good. I was hoping you’d stay.”

The words hung in the air between us, loaded with possibility. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, about to jump into something that would change everything.

“Alex, I?—”

“You’ve been avoiding me,” he said, setting the stick aside. “For three days.”

“I wasn’t...” I started, then stopped. What was the point in lying? “Okay, maybe I was. A little.”

“Why?” He leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “Did I come on too strong the other night? Did I… make you uncomfortable?”

“No,” I said quickly. “God, no.” I paused. “Okay, maybe a little. But it wasn’t that.”

“Then what?”

I stared down at my hands, trying to find the words. How could I explain that I was terrified? That I’d never been with a man before? That every time he looked at me, I felt like I might combust?

“I’m not good at this,” I said finally. “At... whatever this is.”

Alex was quiet for a long moment. When I finally looked up, he was studying me with those intense brown eyes.

“What do you think this is?” he asked softly.

My mouth went dry. “I don’t know. You tell me.”

He stood then, moving around the fire with fluid grace until he was standing right in front of me. Close enough that I could smell his cologne, could see the golden flecks in his brown eyes.

“I think,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper, “that you’re one of the most beautiful men I’ve ever seen. And you think I’m good lookin’ too. ”

My breath caught in my throat. “Alex...”

“Am I wrong?” His hand came up to cup my jaw, thumb brushing across my cheekbone. “Tell me I’m wrong and I’ll walk away right now. Pretend this never happened.”

I leaned into his touch, my eyes fluttering closed. “You’re… not wrong.”

When I opened my eyes, my breath caught in my throat. He was so close.

“But I…”

“What is it?” he asked, his thumb stroking my cheek.

“I… I can’t do this,” I heard myself say, pulling away from him. I was on my feet in an instant, tears already in my eyes as years of hiding, grief, and dishonesty came flooding back. “I just… I just can’t.”

And I walked away, the cold night swallowing me up before Alex could stop me.