Page 72 of Doubts of the Egoist (Egoist #3)

“I wish you had told me sooner…” Kuon muttered under his breath, thinking about Rick, his confessions, the hope shining in his eyes, and the damn dog tag he’d taken from the hospital.

The crushing guilt, shame, and hopeless despair over putting his friend at risk for something so stupid caused Kuon’s shoulders to slump.

God, I’m the worst. A misunderstanding? What a joke…

His knees gave out, and his back slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor, fingers tangled in his hair.

“What are you thinking about?” Yugo asked.

“That I could do with the drink you left on the bar,” Kuon said, lifting his chin. At the absurdity of the situation his anger dissipated. Finding it funnier by the second, he started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Hash lines bracketed Yugo’s mouth, crisp in the gloom.

“Nothing, just… I’ve never realized what a die-hard optimist you are.” Kuon wiped the corner of his eye with the heel of his palm, then asked, “Shed some light for me here, will you? Because I’m blind. How do you see this all working out?”

Yugo’s back stiffened and his chin jerked up, gaze cold. “If I can forgive and move on, so can you.”

“Forgive and move on?” Kuon laughed again. “Yugo, you can’t even say my name or touch me.”

A muscle twitched beneath Yugo’s left eye. “I can say your name; I just don’t want to.”

Amusement left Kuon. He huffed, folded his arms over his knees, and lowered his head in dejection.

Yugo growled, annoyed, “It will work. Eventually.”

“Yeah, sure…” Kuon’s bitter smirk brushed his own shoulder as he turned his head.

“It will. It’s his luck you have no feelings for him, so I’m willing to let it go as long as you won’t see him again.”

Kuon stabbed him with a glare. “I wasn’t talking about Rick. Nothing much happened between me and him anyway, so leave him alone. I was talking about Mio and the trust between you and me.”

He wanted to ask something else, but the doorknob turned, and the door was pushed ajar, forcing him to scramble aside.

“Boss?” Greg’s voice shattered the silence, and the door inched open again, forcing Kuon to flop onto his hip. “Oh, sorry, Kuon.”

“Later!” Yugo growled. The door closed.

Kuon rested his back against the wood, thoughts scattering. He could no longer remember if he wanted to ask anything else, but one question still haunted him. He let it out with a sigh, “Will it always be like this? Will you run to Mio whenever he calls?”

“He’s my blood. I can’t give up on him.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to do that, but I don’t see how I fit into this equation. You do remember he already tried to get rid of me once, right? What makes you think he won’t try again?”

“Killing a prisoner and murdering my lover are two different things. He’ll have to give up once I officially introduce you. He’s not stupid; he won’t dare openly go against me. That’s for your own protection.”

This again… Kuon shook his head, not ready for this conversation so soon.

“If you have to tell the world that I suck your dick to protect me, then I don’t think I’m physically or mentally capable of maintaining such a complex relationship at all.

There will always be Mio and his tricks.

I don’t know you well enough to be sure you won’t give in.

I’ve never been good at geometry. Triangles and the rest of polygons make me nauseous.

I need my relationship to be as straight as a line, because I won’t be an extra angle. ”

When Kuon rose to his feet and turned to the door, Yugo hummed, facing the window.

“I don’t know much about you either. I have no idea what motivates you or haunts your nights.

You’ve never shared anything with me. Hell, I don’t even know why you agreed to be with me.

But I do know the sounds you make when you come.

How you relax in my arms after sex. How earnestly you cling to me when you want me to touch you, to pleasure you.

How I can chase away your nightmares with just a few words. ”

Heat flooded Kuon’s cheeks. Yugo’s words made him feel exposed and uncomfortable, reminding him once again of that lewd person he’d seen on Yugo’s footage.

“Shut up… I don’t want to hear it.”

But Yugo ignored his growl. “Your voice of reason may resist me now, but subconsciously, you trust me. Isn’t that why you came here? With me, you don’t have nightmares.”

Kuon’s fingers squeezed the cool bronze handle as he pressed his forehead against the wood, unsure of what to do.

Yugo’s words affected him. It was amazing how Yugo could make him waver with just a few words, even though Kuon had already made his decision.

Yet, despite understanding this, he still didn’t turn the doorknob.

The desire to look over his shoulder grew tremendously.

“Kuon?” He flinched at the sound of his name and slowly turned on his heel to meet hard, cold eyes. “You wanted trust? I’ve already trusted you with more information than I should have. As for respect…”

Kuon sneered, unable to hold back a sarcastic reply, “Don’t bother; I still remember the canine dildo…”

Yugo slammed his palm against the windowsill with such force it drowned out the rumble of thunder.

He opened his mouth to speak, but seeing Kuon raise his chin, Yugo clenched his fists and took a long breath.

“I was drunk and out of control. I didn’t mean for things to get that ugly, and they wouldn’t have if you’d listened to me and given me space and time.

I’m sober now, but just looking at you makes my blood boil.

It reminds me that someone else touched you, and I can’t even fucking kill him. ”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m sick of watching the videos.

But chasing a prisoner and a runaway lover are two different things.

I don’t chase men. If you leave again, I won’t go after you.

” Determination shone in Yugo’s eyes, but his skin paled.

“I try to respect your choices, but when you drove at night just a few days after eye surgery, it made things difficult for me. Don’t want to be with me?

Leave. Be alone for the rest of your life.

Take a car and a driver so I know it wasn’t a whim or a hot-headed impulse.

No one will stop you. But remember, I’ll never tolerate you having anyone else. Me or no one. That will never change.”

“What kind of choice is that?”

“A magnanimous one. Take your time and think hard about what you really want, because I won’t chase after you anymore, and your pride might not let you crawl back if you change your mind again.”

“What’s there to think about? I don’t see a single reason to stay.”

“In my world, a man’s word is his honor. This principle has been lodged in my bones since birth, and I’ve never broken my word… until you. Is that not enough for you?”

A long silence overtook the room, which Kuon broke with a rasp. “I don’t know, Yugo. Is it? You’ve made it very difficult for me to choose you. All you give me is pain and misery. Why would I want that? Great sex isn’t a good enough reason.”

“I won’t hurt you again.”

“Stick to your principles and don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Kuon rebuked, thinking Yugo knew him after all, but this thought offered little consolation. “But I will consider your request. I’ll think about it, and if I decide to leave, I’ll ask Greg to drive me.”

Kuon turned the handle and pulled the door against the draft with some effort when words stabbed him in the back. “One more thing. If stupid thoughts of revenge drove you here—leave. If you betray me again, I will not forgive you.”

Kuon gave him a clipped nod and closed the door behind him.