Page 70 of Doubts of the Egoist (Egoist #3)

Kuon blinked, huffed, and looked away, training his eyes on the empty glass on the coffee table. As the glass ran dry, so did his arguments because this blatant lie offended him. I wish you would just admit that you fucked him. At least then you would be honest.

At the edge of his peripheral vision, Kuon saw a mixture of complex emotions ripple across Yugo’s face.

“Tsk…” With effort, as if Yugo had to shatter his principles to approach Kuon, he crossed the room with a few strides.

He froze just a pace away, so that the warmth of his body wrapped around Kuon, raising the air a few degrees.

Yugo panted heavily, the deep breaths straining his white shirt.

Tendons tensed on the insides of his forearms as he leaned closer, fists caging Kuon’s shoulders from either side.

He smelled like coffee, tobacco, and the heady cologne that had always made Kuon’s head spin a little.

“I said nothing happened. Why don’t you believe me? ”

Although only a few centimeters separated their noses, Kuon failed to make eye contact. Yugo’s unmoving pupils were fixed on the bridge of his nose—a place people look at to avoid baring their souls and revealing their true feelings. That was frustrating.

“Does Mio know you’re done? He seemed pretty sure of himself when he kissed you. You didn’t seem to mind.” Kuon’s voice dropped, matching the howl of wind outside the window as the first drop of brewing rain hit the glass. Another followed in an instant.

“Don’t speculate. You know nothing about me and Mio.

” Yugo’s pupils finally found his. The bittersweet puffs of air caressed Kuon’s cheek, scattering his thoughts and breaking his defense.

He wished that Yugo would move away because even breathing became difficult as if all the air had been burned out by the red-hot rage seething under Yugo’s skin.

“Exactly.” Kuon shrugged, faking calm, then added in the same breath, emptying lungs of oxygen, “Why should I trust you if I don’t know shit about you?”

“Then fucking study me!” Yugo’s voice rattled with half-demand or half-order.

He slammed his palm against the door. The undertone of desperation in the gesture contradicted Yugo’s avoidance of skin contact.

It was confusing. Normally, Yugo’s hands could never stay away from touching, caressing, exploring, or squeezing and hurting him.

Kuon didn’t know what to make of it. “Ask.”

TANG. TANG. TANG. Then SHHHHHH. The night behind the window grew brighter as the heavy rain reflected the lights. The first lightning bolt zipped through the sky, streaking Yugo’s hair with neon blue. A low rumble rolled down the ground, scaring a bunch of crows off the roof.

Isn’t it too late? After everything that had happened, Yugo would never forgive; Kuon would never forget. Even if I ask, what would it change?

As if reading his mind, Yugo pressed, “Ask.”

Kuon shrugged a shoulder and rolled his head to the side to rest his eyes on the empty glass. “For what? So you can invent another game like Simon Says to keep me entangled in half-truths?”

“I did it because I knew you’d freak out if I showed you everything. I was right!” Yugo snapped into his ear.

Kuon scowled. “I wouldn’t be so angry if you showed me the box. None of this would have happened if you had told me the truth.”

“Truth? I’m more honest with you than you have ever been. At least I don’t lie to myself, and I know what I want.”

“That is?”

“Do you really have to ask?” The soulless, gunmetal glare pierced Kuon.

The aggressive, steely tone returned to Yugo’s voice.

“You want the truth? Here it is. I didn’t want you to see those recordings.

Ever. I liked the way things were. I was happy with it.

Your reliving the past posed a threat to that.

I’m still not sure of your reasons for being here, so yes, I didn’t want you snooping around.

Your reactions to my attempts to stop you only heightened my concerns, but since you left me no choice, I see no point in playing games. I will answer your questions. Ask.”

Curiosity scratched at the walls of Kuon’s skull.

A part of him wanted to accept the offer, especially since he might not get another chance to hear Yugo out.

Still, he couldn’t shake the thought that by doing so, he would extend the bridge of communication to Yugo and give him the wrong ideas.

Yugo’s decision to tell the truth couldn’t change his actions or Kuon’s decision.

Nothing he could say would justify the fucking canine dildo.

However, didn’t he deserve to know why Yugo did what he did? Shouldn’t he glean all the information before cutting all ties?

Unable to decide, he asked, “Why such a change of heart? Not long ago, you threatened to chain me to the wall and let your stud dogs ‘pleasure’ me. Now, you offer answers as if I have a choice. What am I missing?”

Yugo flinched as if Kuon had hit him, then gave him the look of a cornered animal.

He licked his lips, and the aggression in his eyes softened.

He lifted his hand to touch Kuon’s cheek, but his fingers froze, never reaching the skin.

A second later, he clasped his hands behind his back.

“I wouldn’t do any of that; I hope you know it. ”

“I don’t.” Kuon shrugged, realizing that he was telling the truth. Yugo’s threats coupled with the rough treatment had sounded so damn convincing that he believed them.

“Don’t do this…” Yugo’s voice fell as he gave Kuon a long, weary look. “I’m trying here.”

“Why try at all? You don’t have to explain yourself. After all, I’m just a prisoner here, your bitch to do as you please.” Kuon didn’t plan to accuse Yugo or get into this stupid argument, but his pride oozed toxic blood.

“You’re not.”

Kuon raised a brow and drawled sarcastically, “Yeah? Can I leave then?”

Yugo’s hand returned to the door as he jerked his head in refusal. The immediate reaction made Kuon laugh in despair, shake his head, and laugh even harder. “You’re unbelievable. Stop lying. Just do what you always do; after all, you only know how to force people.”

Yugo flinched, but his voice sounded calm when he said, “I don’t want to force you.”

“Why not? That has never been an issue before.”

A minute passed, another, and Kuon thought that Yugo wouldn’t answer but a soft reply warmed his lips, “Because I don’t want to fight you for the rest of my life, and I’m not ready to give up.”

It took Kuon a moment to comprehend the meaning of Yugo’s words. When he did, his heart choked with rage. Prickles raced up his skin, raising thin hairs on his nape.

Motherfucker, you have no right to say that. Not after everything you’ve done. That was a low blow that left Kuon without air. His fist pressed against Yugo’s chest, thrusting forward in an attempt to create some space to think or simply to breathe. Yugo didn’t budge. “Step aside.”

Something must have crept into Kuon’s voice, because Yugo’s neck corded, stance widened. “Not until we talk.”

“ Now you want to talk?” Kuon laughed maniacally.

His cheeks felt cold and tight, and he could no longer pretend to be calm and rational.

Yugo seemed to understand that too. His Adam’s apple jumped, and he licked his lips.

“Is it a wise decision to prevent me from leaving? Do you really want to have someone like me by your side, knowing that I will never forgive or forget what you have done? Someone you can never trust again? How can you be sure I won’t stab you in your sleep?

You gave me plenty of reasons to do so.”

Yugo swallowed hard again.

“You’re right, letting you go would be the most sensible thing to do.

” Yugo’s head tilted forward, free-falling hair hiding his eyes.

A long breath tickled the skin above the collar of Kuon’s shirt as the man continued, “But I don’t know how.

You drive me crazy. I try to respect your fucking wishes, but it’s so damn hard.

With one careless word, you make me lose control because everything I feel with you is…

extra. Passion, hate, lust, anger, jealousy.

You are like an amplifier for all my emotions.

I don’t know how to control it. I’m not sure I want to.

It’s addictive, liberating. So, you see, I don’t know how to let you go. I already tried, and it didn’t work.”

Kuon felt stupid. His eyelids burned, and he shielded his upper face with his hand from Yugo’s cold, staring eyes. This bullshit speech got to him. It made him want to hear the rest of what Yugo had to say, and he feared it was written in his eyes.

Why the hell am I so stupid? It’s not even an apology.

It means nothing. Just another trick. Get out of here while you still can, or did you really enjoy the canine dildo?

He blinked, dragging his hand down his face.

The mental self-flagellation didn’t help.

His body refused to move as his eyes fixed on the throbbing vein at the side of Yugo’s throat.

It hypnotized. Three hundred and sixteen.

Isn’t it every third day? And it was only that one piece of footage.

That can’t be healthy… Makes me wonder if he jerked off to it…

This time, he wasn’t offended by the thought.

Kuon remembered all the times he’d jerked off, imagining Yugo’s lips and hands, touching, caressing.

How he’d sneaked into the communal military shower in Afghanistan in the middle of the night to do it.

His face warmed, and he felt uncomfortable standing so close to the object of his sexual release.

His body became alert, as if someone had flipped a switch inside him, sending electricity coursing down his spine.

The reaction couldn’t have been more unwelcome, so Kuon closed his eyes, hating himself for having no pride or shame.

What am I even thinking about?

“Even if I ask questions, your answers won’t make me stay.”

“Why not?”

“For what? To serve you as a punching bag?”

“A punching bag?” A guttural roar broke through Yugo’s teeth. “Look at you, not a single bruise, but I’m covered in them.”

“You don’t have to leave bruises to hurt someone. Do you even realize how humiliated I feel?”

“Humiliated?” Yugo hissed. “Don’t tell me about humiliation.

Yours was for my eyes only, but everyone who works for me saw mine.

My lover ran out on me in the middle of the night, and I had to drag him back naked and covered with someone else’s hickeys.

Worst of all, you and him are still alive. How is that for humiliation?”

When Kuon didn’t find the words to argue, Yugo continued, “You have no idea how kind I am to you. If you only knew what I should do to you but don’t do, you wouldn’t dare open your mouth.

Yet what have I done? Made you cum? How fucking cruel of me.

That was surely the worst thing I could have done to you. ”

Kuon opened his mouth to ask if he could treat Yugo the same way, but instead he bit his tongue.

Snarling back was counterproductive. Yugo’s words didn’t justify his actions, but they forced him to consider the opposite point of view.

Pardoning the infidelity would surely make the Black Duke’s throne rickety.

But who would know unless Yugo or Greg ran their mouths? Kuon winced. Anyone with eyes and logic. It’s not hard to guess what happened.

A heavy silence spread its wings, disheartening.

Kuon closed his burning eyes. For a few minutes, he listened to the rain and the low rumble of thunder, thinking that ironically, they had to destroy everything in order to have an honest conversation.

Or maybe it had to be done so that they could start over and finally understand each other?

Should he give Yugo a chance to explain himself?

He would want one in a similar situation.

“Fine,” he said and opened his eyes, but immediately regretted it when Yugo’s eyes brightened a fraction. “Help me understand your relationship with Mio. Explain what I saw, but get out of my personal space first.”

Yugo took a reluctant step back. “He’s my nephew. I’ve never seen him as anything else.”

Anger blazed through Kuon, crushing all hope of understanding.

His eyes narrowed, teeth clenched. He had always hated prying into people’s private affairs outside of a case, so asking Yugo about Mio took a lot of effort.

He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to hear it from Yugo.

It was a delicate, sensitive matter that bothered him on many levels.

Still, he asked because he needed to understand his place in Yugo’s life in order to consider staying.

But all he heard was another lie.

“You know what…” Kuon filled his lungs with air, wanting to confront, then shook his head. Fighting over this was stupid. “I’m done here.”