Page 31 of Doubts of the Egoist (Egoist #3)

Kuon huffed. This was exactly why he’d tried to avoid having this conversation. He hadn’t even made up his mind, but with a handful of words, Yugo made him feel unreasonable.

“Why did you ignore my request and enter this room?” Yugo said in a deep, enchanting voice as his hand reached Kuon’s. He looked like a snake charming its prey. “I’m not mad, just concerned.”

Why did the tables turn? Kuon squinted, incredulous. What a smooth fucker. If he goes on like this, I’ll be begging for forgiveness, and he’ll never answer my questions.

Wanting to bring the conversation back to the original topic, Kuon pulled his hand away to raise his palm. “I’ll answer if you do.”

“Ask.” An icy glint settled in the depths of the gunmetal eyes, but Yugo stopped cornering him.

Kuon rubbed his chest over his heart, where it felt painfully tight. Talking about it was harder than he expected. He struggled to phrase the question without sounding hurt, so he said, “Three hundred and sixteen.”

Yugo blinked. “Hm?”

“Your server logs everything that’s done on this computer.

Three hundred and sixteen times you’ve watched yourself raping me.

I have watched the scene over and over again, trying to understand your obsession, and I have no answer.

” Kuon’s lips curled into a bitter grimace.

“Did it make you feel powerful? Strong? High? How many times did you jerk off to it?”

Yugo’s face lost all color, lips thinned into a white, tight line. He clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, but didn’t avert his gaze. Soft as a breath, his whisper stirred no air. “None.”

“I don’t believe you,” Kuon said, then realized it was the truth.

He no longer trusted Yugo. The thought stung.

“What did you feel while watching it? Was it fun? Inspiring? Was it the reason why you brought me here? What did you say… You can’t help wondering what it would take to break me if all these scars only made me stronger? ”

“Everything I say will be used against me?” Yugo didn’t smile as he supplied a half-witted remark.

“That’s how it usually works.”

With a huff, Yugo closed his eyes for a brief moment before looking at the ceiling. “I didn’t mean it that way. You know it.”

“I thought I did, but the thing is, I really don’t.” Kuon tried hard to keep his face expressionless, but a corner of his mouth and his cheek twitched.

“Kuon, turn it off, or I will.” Yugo moved toward the computer. Kuon blocked his way with his body. “Move. I’m getting angry.”

“No.”

Rage rolled off Yugo in waves as he fired off a reply. “I know how this looks, but you’ve got it wrong.”

“You sure about that? Since you refuse to answer, I think I’m just beginning to understand you.

Someone like you can have anyone, yet you want me, blind and scarred.

I’m not even your type, never have been.

Come on, Yugo, tell me. What is it, a sick curiosity?

Or do you want to finish your pet project and raise an obedient Puppy that will lick your hands no matter what you give it? ”

“Fucking Tobias… So he was the one who put that shit in your head? What else did he say?” A murderous glint Kuon hadn’t seen in years flared in the gray eyes. Yugo’s calm mask cracked and shattered, revealing an animalistic snarl. Thick veins popped out on his neck and the backs of his hands.

“He has nothing to do with it. Come on, Yugo, answer. After two years, what made you want to see me again?”

“You really don’t know?” Yugo’s palm slammed against the desk, making Kuon tense. For a second it looked like Yugo would slap him. The anger, ugly on Yugo’s face, brought back the memories of the rape. “Are you fucking with me? I’m tired of this bullshit. Leave the room.”

“Make me.” Kuon backed away from the desk, adrenaline quickening his pulse. “You’re really good at this. Looks like I might have even enjoyed it.”

“Is that what you want, for me to hurt you, so you can test your idiotic theory?” Yugo’s voice rumbled through the room. “Or do you feel nostalgic and want to repeat it? Did you get hard watching this? Shall I satisfy your desires?”

Yugo jerked his chin toward the running videos.

Sweat broke out across Kuon’s back despite the chilly air in the room. He knew that if he started a fight now, they would revert to the abusive relationship they once had. He wouldn’t be able to go through that again. “No.”

“I asked you to stay out of this room. Why couldn’t you?” Step by step, Yugo cornered him, forcing him to retreat to the back of the room. “Why do you have to be so difficult?”

Kuon’s back hit the metal rack. Yugo’s open palm slammed against the edge of the top shelf, again and again. Each impact sent a wave of evil energy through Kuon’s body.

“I try to be nice to you. Don’t you see I’m doing my best? What on earth do you even want from me? Why can’t you be happy?”

Yugo’s face came closer. His palms gripped the edges of the shelves beside Kuon’s head, making the boxes behind him shake.

“That’s why I didn’t want you to come in here.

I knew you’d freak out.” Yugo lowered his head.

When he looked up, determination hardened his features.

“You don’t want to compromise? Fine. This is what’s going to happen.

You will leave this room right now. Take your meds, and go to bed.

You’ll let me take care of you, and you will forget this room ever existed. Period.”

A bitter coppery taste filled Kuon’s mouth as he bit the inside of his cheek too hard. “We both know that’s unlikely.”

Yugo looked like he wanted nothing more than to smash Kuon’s head against the metal shelf to make him forget; yet he wavered. It took him a few tense minutes to rein in his temper and ask, “What do you expect to find here?”

“Myself,” Kuon admitted as he leaned against the rack. The cold metal made his skin tingle, but it did nothing to dull the ache in his heart. He hated the way Yugo’s throat bobbed and the corners of his mouth turned down. The bitter expression didn’t suit him and added a few years to his age.

“I can’t allow that.” Yugo pulled away.

“Why not? We both know I’ll come around sooner or later. You made sure I always do,” Kuon said sarcastically.

A stern expression hardened Yugo’s face. “You’ve only been here a few hours and you’re already not behaving yourself.”

“How do you know? Maybe this is exactly who I am. Or do you mean I don’t act the way you want me to—docile, passionate, grateful?” Kuon nodded at the screen.

Head tilted back, Yugo barked out an angry laugh.

“Docile and grateful? Who are we talking about? Certainly not you. But you are right, I may not know you as well as I would like to. All the less reason to leave you here unsupervised. This room holds too many secrets; not al l of them are for your eyes. Get. Out.”

It was foolish to fight with the angry Yugo. Kuon understood that he should comply and rest, but he couldn’t trust the man to keep his word. Hell, he could no longer trust himself either in Yugo’s presence.

“Hmm…” Kuon forced a smile. “I’d compromise, but you haven’t offered anything worth considering.

Don’t want me around? Fine, I’ll go, but if you truly meant what you said, you won’t mind if I copy our mementos for later review, will you?

Now, Yugo. While I’m still here, copy everything; not just the carefully selected, relatively harmless files. ”

Yugo squinted at him, his cold, unblinking eyes harboring a silent threat. “Do you have any idea how many terabytes that is? It will take hours to copy.”

“I have time. I’ll eat here. Take my meds here, too.”

“Yeah? What else will you do here? Sleep? Take a shit? I paid a fortune for your eyes. I’m not going to watch you fuck them over again. You will get your recordings later. Out!”

Iron fingers wrapped around Kuon’s biceps and yanked hard, indicating that Yugo was tired of playing nice.

Kuon swayed, and the room spun around him. His shoulder slammed against the rack. An unmarked leather box moved an inch, revealing a pistol hidden behind it, the black barrel trapping Kuon’s gaze.

“Why are you always like this? You never consider what I want,” Kuon whispered, swallowing the bile that rose in his throat.

“Why should I? You don’t know what you want, so there’s nothing to consider.” Yugo’s dismissive words made Kuon’s fingers curl around the gun handle. “If you can’t snap out of it, I’ll do it for you. We’ll talk when you’ve calmed down. Until then, you’ll do as I say.”

“I do know what I want, and that is to see everything the way you saw it. I want to know everything you did, and to see the look on your eyes as you did it. I want to see the past how it happened, not how I remember it. That is exactly what I intend to do, with or without you,” Kuon said and put the gun to Yugo’s temple.

The lethal calm the weapon represented cooled his emotions.

“Remove your hand and step back. You’re hurting me. ”

Yugo’s expression darkened with deep, raw emotion that promised nothing good.

“Are you threatening me? Are you out of your mind?” Yugo laughed, peering at Kuon incredulously. “Put the gun down, and I’ll pretend this never happened. You won’t dare to shoot.”

The headache became unbearable. Kuon felt tired and hurt.

More than anything, he wanted this exhausting conversation to end.

He closed his eyes. When he opened them again, there wasn’t an ounce of remorse or fear left.

His voice didn’t break when he said, “I guess I’m not the only one who doesn’t know me. Step the fuck away.”

Yugo lunged. Kuon pulled the trigger.