Page 44 of Doubts of the Egoist (Egoist #3)

The deeper he dwelt on his memories, the clearer it became that it wasn’t Yugo’s return to Mio that delivered the final punch, but the realization of how much Kuon was willing to do for something that was never there.

He was ready to compromise his principles, yet Yugo couldn’t even show him respect.

Even if he was angry with Kuon for firing the gun and snooping around, he couldn’t have been unaware that Kuon was waiting for him to talk.

Of course, he knew that. Bringing Mio home was his answer.

He didn’t even bother to look me in the eye and tell me we were done.

Fuck, a single phone call would have been enough.

Yet, he just tossed me aside without a word.

The possibility of a misunderstanding was ruled out by the long walk.

If Yugo wanted to stop him, he had plenty of time.

I bet he was too busy pinning Mio to the bed to notice I was gone.

Rick’s touch, clinical at first, startled Kuon with unexpected intimacy. Kuon’s gaze fixed on the thumb caressing his ankle.

“Rick?”

“I can’t help but wonder what brought you here in the middle of the night, half-dressed and barefoot.

You’re silent, so I have no choice but to speculate.

These are dark thoughts, Kuon. I wish you would tell me.

” The thumb kept drawing circles around the bone, but that stopped bothering Kuon as soon as Rick looked up.

The obsidian eyes, glowing with determination, bored into Kuon’s.

“I see no signs of violence on your body, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any.

I have to ask. Do you need to see a doctor? ”

Kuon scowled, struggling to understand the question. Once he did, blood rushed to his head, making the hot shower feel barely lukewarm. He wanted to tell Rick to keep his assumptions to himself, but just imagining his friend thought he’d been raped made him angry.

“I’m not hurt. I was driving a car, but a fucking deer jumped out of the forest, and I crashed it. I left my shoes behind, that’s all.” Kuon gritted his teeth. The situation became unbearable, and Rick kneeling before him only added to his discomfort. “Please get up.”

“I’m not done.” Warm fingers released the trapped foot and grabbed the other ankle, forcing Kuon to shift on his clean foot and lift the dirty one. “If you aren’t hurt, what happened?”

Kuon let out a long sigh and lowered his eyelids. He rested the back of his head against the wall, trying to cool the burning shame in his heart. It was unfair to lash out at Rick when he was angry at himself and Yugo, so he admitted, “Anger and stupidity. Nothing else.”

“But why?”

With his eyes closed, it became easier to speak, so Kuon tried to avoid misunderstandings. “Because…”

Because I thought he was serious about me. Because I fired a gun at him. Because he is probably fucking his nephew right now. Because I’m the only one who still doesn’t understand anything and can’t move on.

Thoughts bolted through his head, but Kuon couldn’t voice any of them, at least not to Rick.

Confiding in him already felt odd and wrong.

He wished they hadn’t had this conversation.

His head felt stuffed with cotton, making it increasingly difficult to filter his thoughts.

Yet his mouth opened, and the words slipped out as if he were under a truth serum.

“There’s someone else. There always has been.

We had a fight, and now they’re back together. ”

“I don’t get it…” Rick rasped, his hand hesitating over Kuon’s heel as his back tensed. “Did he cheat on you?”

Cheat? Kuon remained silent, unable to decide.

I can’t even say whether he cheated on me or Mio.

We weren’t even in a defined relationship where sleeping with someone else would count as cheating.

We never talked about it. In fact, we never talked about anything.

And Mio… they were together long before me. I’m the third wheel not him.

“Kuon…” Something about the way Rick said his name made Kuon’s mouth dry. He cracked his eyes open to stare into the inky turmoil swirling behind Rick’s dilated pupils. “Do you love him?”

“I don’t…” He wanted to say “think so”, but instead said, “…know.”

S hut up, just shut up, Kuon. You have said too much already.

“Then why him?”

“It’s complicated,” Kuon grumbled, angry at himself for oversharing. “Rick, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then let’s talk about us. This place is lonely without you.” The way Rick’s fingers tightened around his foot didn’t bode well. It was clear it wouldn’t be freed until Rick was done talking. “I’m lonely without you…”

No, no, no…. Kuon wanted to flee, or at least pull a T-shirt over his head and scream his lungs out to get rid of the frustration, but he was naked, and Rick blocked the only exit. God, why does this always happen in the bathroom?

“I beg you, consider me.” Rick’s voice muffled by water, drifted up, making Kuon’s skin crawl.

“I’d never do anything you hate; I’d never lie to you.

Please, stay with me, look at me, because all I can see is you.

Give me a chance, and maybe one day you can learn to love me, because it’s not going away… ”

Rick kept whispering, but Kuon couldn’t hear him over the pounding of his heart, choking on guilt. I fucked up…

The confession was demoralizing as Rick’s desperate words echoed Kuon’s insecurities.

Hatred mixed in. Boiling, devastating hatred at Yugo for invading his life again, for making himself the center of it after everything Kuon had gone through to forget him.

For messing with his mind and emotions and robbing Kuon of the ability to have a normal relationship.

For taking a place that could have belonged to someone else. Someone loyal and kind… like Rick.

He despised himself for letting Yugo do all of this. For jumping up and down, wagging his tail, grateful for every flicker of kindness and affection, like a damn puppy.

The nickname Tobias gave me is spot on. Everyone saw it but me…

Pain shot through his jaw from grinding his teeth too hard, and small, angry tremors settled in his fingertips. To keep the shaking from spreading, he dug his nails into his palms, welcoming the pain.

Rick looked at him expectantly. Lost in thought, Kuon missed the question, but the hope shining in the black eyes spoke volumes.

“I can’t have this conversation right now. Please, stop and get up.”

“If I do, you’ll leave me behind again. He doesn’t love you, but I do…

I have for the last two years. Just notice me already.

” The light in Rick’s eyes dimmed as his wet forehead pressed against Kuon’s knee.

“Don’t shrug me off again. I beg you, Kuon, give me a chance. I’d kneel, but I’m already kneeling.”

Just like that, Rick’s apartment became Kuon’s hell instead of a sanctuary.

Kuon didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

It was ridiculous, but in this vast world, he couldn’t find a tiny place where he would feel safe, so he raised his palms and covered his eyes, hiding in the illusory darkness. This must be a nightmare…

Hating himself a little more, Kuon said to stop this madness, “Get up or I’ll hit you.”

“Hit. I’m already defeated.”

Kuon’s lips quivered. He thought that following through with his threat would be the kindest thing to do; it might stop Rick from wishing for the impossible. But he couldn’t bring himself to kick someone who was already on his knees. Rick seemed to know that too, because he didn’t move.

Kuon’s eyes burned, nose prickled.

In desperation, he wrapped the thick silver chain hanging from Rick’s neck over his fist and yanked it up, forcing him to his feet. Kuon’s forearm slammed across Rick’s smooth chest as he spun them around. Rick’s back hit the tiled wall, but he didn’t fight back.

This small struggle drained Kuon of energy and sent the room spinning, so he rested his forehead against the forearm lying across Rick’s chest. Water pummeled the top of his head, trickling from his hair and the corners of his open mouth as he gulped air.

“I understand, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t be here, so I have no right to complain or ask anything of you.

But did you really have to corner me in the shower to have this conversation? Where’s your pride?”

“Pride?” Rick laughed, a touch of madness in his voice. “Do you think I care about something as minor as pride? I love you. I’d sell my soul for a ghost of a chance that you’d notice me. Not as a buddy in arms, but as a man.”

Kuon looked up into the trembling pools of liquid darkness in the eyes of the person he thought was his friend. Rick’s hands shook. He nervously licked water from his upper lip, waiting for Kuon’s verdict.

Pride… Am I the one to talk about it? I called Yugo fifteen times, but he never picked up . Kuon knew he had to say something, anything, to relieve Rick’s distress, but his mind stalled as he saw his own despair in his friend’s actions. Aren’t I just like him?

“I almost gave up because I thought you weren’t interested in men, but you accepted him. I don’t know what you think this asshole can give you that I can’t, but I wish you’d just tell me. I learn fast; try me. I’ll do anything.”

“I…” The words of rejection died on Kuon’s tongue as the light reflecting off the dangling dog tags caught his eye.

Their time in Afghanistan had been far from happy, and Rick had always seemed pragmatic rather than nostalgic.

That he still clung to those useless pieces of metal surprised Kuon, especially since he couldn’t even remember when or where he’d lost his own.

The longer he stared, the clearer the engravings on the backs of the dog tags became. He picked up the plates and turned them over, reading Rick’s name followed by his own. “W-why do you have my dog tag?”