Page 56 of Don’t Let Me Go
I drive Riley back to his house in silence. Both of us know what has to happen next but neither of us wants to say it. Even
after we’ve pulled into his driveway and I’ve killed the engine, we continue to sit in silence, neither of us daring to look
at the other.
Finally, after what feels like an eternity, I say the words that one of us has to.
“We need to break up.”
Riley doesn’t answer. He doesn’t even look at me. He stares straight ahead at his house. Through the large bay window, I can
see a man who must be his father sitting at the dining-room table in front of a laptop.
“If there was some way that we could be together and I knew you’d be safe, I’d do it in a heartbeat,” I continue, pulling
each word out of my throat like a fishhook. “But we can’t take the risk. If something happened to you because of me , I would never forgive myself. Never .”
My body is shaking almost as much as my voice. I have to look away from Riley to stop myself from completely losing it. I
know ending things with him is the only way to keep him safe. To keep us both safe. But that doesn’t make it any easier.
I feel like I’m ripping out my own heart.
“Maybe?.?.?.?maybe we could just break up for a month,” Riley suggests, his voice smaller than I’ve ever heard it. “Until
I’m eighteen. Or maybe—”
He stops himself. There’s no point in pretending we have any option but the one Jocasta laid out for us. Not if we want to
live to see nineteen.
Besides, even if we were able to trick the universe by breaking up and then getting back together after Riley’s birthday, we’d still spend the rest of our lives looking over our shoulders, wondering who or what might be coming for us.
Riley already had a full-blown panic attack when he thought those guys at the mall were after him.
I can’t put him through something like that again.
“We probably shouldn’t have any communication with each other for a while,” I force myself to say. “And we should avoid each
other as much as possible at school in the fall.”
Riley nods, but I can see him struggling to hold back tears.
“We’ll have to tell the others that we had a fight. Maybe you could tell them about Devon. You could say that once you found
out, you decided to break up with me. Tell them you confronted me, and I was a jerk about it, and you realized I wasn’t a
good person.”
Riley shakes his head. “I could never say that.”
“We’ll have to tell them something.”
Riley looks back at his house. He’s silent for a long time. Then his face crumples and his voice cracks. “I can’t believe
this is happening. You’re literally my fucking soulmate. How am I supposed to spend the rest of my life without you?”
I’ve been wondering the exact same thing. But I hold my tongue. One of us has to be strong. “You’ll find someone else.”
Riley looks at me like I’ve punched him in the face. It’s all I can do not to take him into my arms and kiss away his pain.
But before I can let myself break, Riley slides out of my Jeep and hurries to his house. I watch him disappear inside, and
as I do, a strange relief washes over me.
He’s safe now. That’s all that matters.
Even so, I rest my head against the steering wheel and let the tears pour out of me until I’m as empty and lonely as the night.