Page 36 of Don’t Let Me Go

A sinking feeling opens up in the pit of my stomach as I watch Riley disappear down the path with Alex. It’s the same feeling

I get when I watch a horror movie and some scantily clad cheerleader hears a strange noise in a basement and goes off to investigate.

Every instinct in my body is telling me to go after him—to stop him from wandering off with the asshole who messed up his

life.

I know it’s irrational. I know that he and Alex have unfinished business. But the possibility that Alex could do or say something— anything —that might hurt Riley is enough to make me want to chase him down and beat the shit out of him.

“I thought I noticed a spark,” Micaela says, grinning proudly as she hooks her arm around mine.

“What do you mean?”

“Did you not pick up on the sexual tension?” She laughs. “Those two clearly have a history.”

I’m aware of their history. I’m also aware that the “tension” is anything but sexual. Even so, Micaela’s words knock the wind

out of me. The idea of something happening between Riley and Alex, no matter how unlikely, fills me with dread . Not because Riley might get his heart broken but because I know that it would break mine.

Aunt Rachel said it could take time for me to figure out who I am and what I want, but if the panic I’m experiencing is any

indication of the truth, then two things have become abundantly clear.

One, who I am is someone who can’t bear the thought of Riley being with anyone else, because, two, what I want is him.

“Ugh, Audrey’s getting impatient,” Duy groans as their phone pings with a slew of incoming texts. “She’s saving us seats in

the front row, but some of the hard-core fans are giving her the stink-eye. We better hurry before she has a meltdown and

decks someone.”

“Why don’t you go on ahead?” I suggest. “Micaela and I will follow in a minute.”

My feelings for Riley might finally be clear, but the situation with Micaela is anything but. Maybe she really did drive all

this way so I wouldn’t have to spend my birthday weekend alone, but from the smiles and touches and private glances, I get

the impression she’s hoping something more will happen. If that’s the case, if she still has feelings for me, then we need

to talk. I need to be honest with her. About everything.

“Okay,” Duy sighs. “But don’t be too long. Audrey will give your seats away to more deserving fans if you’re late.”

“Copy that. We’ve been warned.”

Duy winks at me, then heads off toward the amphitheater. When they’re gone, I motion for Micaela to have a seat on one of

the benches overlooking the water. It’s another ridiculously sunny day, not a cloud in the sky, but for once there’s no humidity,

and the breeze coming off the lake is surprisingly refreshing.

“Your friends are hilarious,” Micaela says approvingly. “And very interesting.”

“Yeah.” I blush. “They’re pretty different from the guys back home.”

“I’ll say.”

Micaela laughs, and her smile is brighter than the sun over our heads. A part of me wishes we could stay in this moment: the

sun on our faces, the breeze in our hair, and not a single worry in our heads other than getting to a concert on time. But

there are things I need to say to her. Things she deserves to hear.

“Thanks again for driving all this way to see me,” I begin. “It was super-thoughtful.”

“What are friends for?”

“Except I haven’t been a good friend, have I? I definitely wasn’t a good boyfriend.”

Micaela shakes her head in protest. “You had a really tough year.”

“I know, but that doesn’t excuse how I treated you.”

“We don’t have to get into all that.”

“Yes, we do. I want to apologize.” Micaela looks about to protest again but stops herself. I suspect because she needs to

hear this apology as much as I need to give it.

“You’re one of the best people I know, Micaela. You’re smart and funny and kind—so kind. And you are a beast of a cheerleader.

I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate that when we were together. After what happened with Devon, you stuck by me when so many people

turned their backs on me, and all I did was push you away. I treated you like shit when all you wanted to do was help me,

and I’m so sorry for that.”

Micaela nods, unable to meet my eyes, and stares down at her lap. “Thank you for saying that.”

I reach out and take her hand. “You’re an incredible person. And I know someday you’re gonna meet an amazing guy who appreciates

just how fucking incredible you are, and you are gonna be ridiculously happy. Because that’s what you deserve. You deserve

all the happiness in the world. You really do.”

“I know,” she retorts with a laugh. “You don’t need to tell me what a prize I am. I am well aware that I’m a catch.”

“Of course you are,” I chuckle. “And given what a catch you are, I want you to know that I’m incredibly flattered that you still care about me. I really hope that we can stay friends. That we’ll always be friends.”

“I hope so too.”

“Right. But also...” I take a deep breath. Once again, it’s bite-the-bullet time. “A lot has happened over the past year. We’ve both changed a lot, I think. I know I have. And as tempting as it might be for us to go back to the way things were, I don’t think—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Micaela protests, snatching her hand away from mine. “I’m gonna stop you there. I am not looking to get back together.”

I blink in confusion. “You?.?.?.?aren’t?”

“Seriously?” She shakes her head, and her whole body rocks with laughter. “Jackson, you broke my heart! I do not get back together with boys who break my heart. I have a one-strike-you’re-out policy. So, as much as I care about you and

as much as I will always care about you, I’m sorry, babe, you’re out .”

“Oh,” I say, feeling both completely embarrassed and oddly relieved by her rejection.

“I’m sorry if me driving all the way down here to surprise you gave you the wrong impression,” she continues, wiping tears

of laughter from her eyes. “But like I said, I was legitimately concerned you’d be spending your birthday alone. If you’d

told me that you had all these new friends, I never would’ve come. In fact, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know,” I confess. “I guess I thought maybe you wouldn’t?.?.?. approve?”

Micaela pulls a face. “Why? Because they’re all gay or queer or whatever? You know that half my aunts are lesbians, right?

And though she’d totally deny it if you ask her, my mom would definitely go bi under the right circumstances.”

Now it’s my turn to laugh.

“Well, I’m glad you like my friends,” I tell her. “And I’m glad we’re both on the same page about—”

“ Totally ,” Micaela agrees. “Although, since you brought it up, can we maybe unpack that a little more? I mean, I know why I don’t want to get back together with you . But just out of curiosity, why don’t you want to get back together with me? Do you seriously think you can do better?”

“Never,” I assure her.

“Well, don’t tell me that you’ve met someone else.”

I know she’s only teasing, but that doesn’t stop the heat from rising in my cheeks.

“Oh. My. Gosh.” Micaela’s jaw drops. “You slut ! Tell me everything . Who is she? What’s she like? More to the point, when can I meet her and warn her that she is making the biggest mistake

of her life?”

Something in my panicked expression must alert Micaela to the earthquake of anxiety that’s threatening to shake me apart from

the inside out. Her eyes go wide with concern, and her tone instantly softens. “Whoa, relax! You know I’m joking, right? I

would never talk shit about you to someone you’re dating. For real, babe, I’m just excited to meet her.”

“You’ve actually already met,” I force myself to say.

If I want a relationship with Riley—a real relationship where we’re more than friends and where he’s more to me than just

a secret—I have to get comfortable telling people about him. Because if I can’t do that, if I can’t be honest about who I

am with the people I trust and love, then I don’t deserve him.

“Met who?” Micaela asks.

I take a deep breath. “Riley.”

“Riley?” Micaela stares at me in confusion. Then her eyes fill with understanding. “ Oh .”

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“So you’re...”

“I don’t know,” I tell her. “I’m still figuring that out. Although I kind of like ‘bi under the right circumstances.’?”

“And those circumstances are Riley?”

“Yeah,” I answer honestly. “I think so.”

“Well?.?.?.?congratulations!” Micaela exclaims with a baffled laugh. “I did not see this coming. But, hey, if Riley makes

you happy—”

“He does.”

“Then I’m happy for you,” she concludes with a decisive nod. And despite the lingering look of surprise in her big brown eyes,

I know she means it. After all, we were friends long before we started dating, and we’ll be friends long after.

“So give me all the details,” she says, practically bouncing in excitement. “How long have you guys been together?”

“Oh, we—we’re not together,” I stammer.

“You’re not?”

“I haven’t exactly told him how I feel.”

Micaela throws her arms up in the air in exasperation. “Why the heck not?”

“I was gonna. Today. Over breakfast. But then—”

Micaela gasps and covers her mouth with her hands. “But then I showed up. That’s why you looked so freaked out when you saw me in your driveway. I thought you were just surprised to see me, but no, you

were bringing Riley over to tell him how you feel, and I totally cockblocked you!”

“It’s okay.”

Micaela shakes her head. “No, babe, it’s not okay. Because now your boy is off with another man.”

“Oh. No. That’s just Alex. He’s not—I’m not worried about him,” I explain, even though only a few minutes ago I was panicking

at the idea of the two of them together. “He’s Riley’s ex.”

Micaela glares at me like I’m too dumb to come in out of a thunderstorm. With an exasperated sigh, she grabs her purse, hops

off the bench, and starts to power-walk back toward her car.

“What are you doing?” I ask as I chase after her.

“I’m giving you your birthday present a day early. I’m leaving.”

“What? No. You can’t go. You just got here!”

Micaela stops and claps back at me. “Jackson, your boy is off with his ex .”

“So? That doesn’t mean anything. I’m here with you.”

“Yeah, and if things had gone differently, I might totally have hooked up with you.”

I blink in confusion. “But you said you didn’t want to get back together.”

“I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss your dick.”

“Oh.” The certainty I’d had about nothing happening between Riley and Alex evaporates, leaving behind a suffocating sense

of dread.

Micaela shoots me a sympathetic smile, then stands on her tiptoes and kisses my cheek. “Sorry to be crass, babe. I’m just

laying down facts. Now stop being an emotional fuckwit, and go get your man.”