Page 36 of Don’t Leave (Stay #2)

“Why?” It’s a question that’s been gnawing at the back of my mind since I found out about her cheating. “Why did you do it?”

Her eyes widen before she glances away. Another thick silence tries to suffocate the very life out of us.

When she remains silent, I wonder if she’ll bother to answer. Maybe she doesn’t have one. At least one she’s willing to share with me. But then her gaze locks on mine. Even though I want to be indifferent to the pain that throbs and pulses in her dark depths, that’s impossible.

“When I left last year, I thought I’d be gone for four years, get my degree, find a good job, and then we’d settle down somewhere and start our life together.” When I remain silent, her voice fills with emotion, “And I wanted that. I wanted you. There was never a time when I didn’t.”

My brows pinch together. What she’s saying doesn’t make any sense. “What happened to change that?”

She swipes at another tear before jerking her shoulders.

“I want you to know that I never set out to cheat on you. A few weeks into the semester, I met this guy in class and at first, we were just friends. I wasn’t clicking with my roommate or other girls on the dorm floor, so it just felt easier to hang out with him.

You’d been my best friend for so long that being with him just felt normal.

But the more time we spent together, the more my feelings grew and changed.

It confused me to feel a such an intense pull toward another guy.

Especially when I’d only ever felt that way about you.

It made me question our relationship and my feelings. ”

Her explanation sends a fresh wave of pain crashing over me. It takes effort to keep my voice level. “Then you should have been upfront with me about that. You should have pulled the plug on our relationship instead of stringing me along while you hooked up with this other dude.”

She shakes her head as more tears slide down her cheeks. “At first, I was going to tell you. I was going to break it off.” Misery fills her expression. “I really thought I loved him.”

I can only stare at her in shock. We’ve known each other for so long and yet, right now, it feels like I’m staring at a stranger. Not once did I ever question our relationship.

“But I was wrong,” she whispers. “It wasn’t real.

We were together for a couple weeks and then it ended.

” Her gaze drops to her lap as her voice dips.

“I just wanted to pretend it never happened. Being with him showed me how much I loved you. Even though I knew I should come clean, I didn’t want to lose you. ”

My head spins that she would even consider keeping all this from me.

“But then I found out I was pregnant and knew I couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen.”

I’d thought it wasn’t possible to be anymore pissed off about the situation.

I was wrong.

Her shoulders collapse as she whispers, “It took weeks for me to work up the nerve to tell you.”

My mind tumbles back to the call I’d received from her before Thanksgiving break. I’d been too shellshocked to do anything other than shutdown. I’d sat in my darkened room, holding the phone in my hand, feeling blindsided. None of it felt real.

My girlfriend would never cheat on me.

My best friend would never betray me like that.

But she did.

I don’t realize that my fingers are curled and digging into the couch cushions until pain shoots through them. Only then do I loosen my grip.

“What I did was wrong,” she says quickly.

“I was an idiot to doubt what we had for even a second. I should have just attended Western instead of going away.” She swipes at the wetness on her cheeks.

“I think we’d still be together if I’d done that.

Hurting you and ruining what we had will always be my biggest regret.

If there were a way to go back and change what I did, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I hope you realize that.”

All the hopes and dreams we’d talked about roll through my head. Even though we’d been young, we’d still planned out our future. It takes a moment to realize that when I think about the years stretched out on front of me, it isn’t Jackie standing beside me, holding my hand.

It’s Cassidy.

We might not be together but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about her all the time. Or that I don’t still love her. Maybe it’s too early to be thinking about a possible future for us, but we have a connection that needs to be explored. And I’m nowhere near ready to let that or her go.

That’s when it hits me that if Jackie and I were still together, if she’d actually attended Western freshman year, I wouldn’t have met Cassidy. We wouldn’t have had the chance to get to know one another or fall in love.

Maybe there’s a reason why we ended the way we did. It hurt like hell and made me question everything, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t for the best. It’s almost a surprise when the anger and resentment festering inside me dissipates.

As I stare at Jackie, I realize that it really is over between us.

Even though I don’t love her anymore, I no longer hate her. This is the first time in a year I’ve been able to think that.

“Is there’s any chance that we can start over?” she whispers.

Here’s another startling realization—I don’t want to hurt her. Maybe a different kind of guy would be relishing this moment and looking to mete out a little justice, but that’s not me.

I shake my head. “No, there’s not.” I’m not sure why I say the words, but they feel right slipping off my tongue. “I’m sorry. It’s just not going to happen.”

She squeezes her eyes closed as a few more tears trek down her face. “I didn’t think so, but I had to ask.”

Unsure how to respond to that, I nod.

“Is it because of the girl you’re seeing?” she asks in a small voice.

For a moment, I remain silent, reluctant to share any private information with her. My personal life is no longer her business. But then I decide that regardless of Cassidy, Jackie and I are still over, and nothing will change that.

“We’re not together right now.”

Emotion flickers in her eyes. “But you love her?”

“Yes,” I admit softly.

I honestly can’t imagine not loving her. I suck in a breath as that thought rips through me. Today has been a day for revelations. And like everything, maybe that needed to happen as well.

She glances away from me before nodding in understanding.

Another heavy silence falls over us.

Just when I wonder if this will turn awkward again, she says, “If you love her, don’t let her go. Don’t make a mistake you’ll end up regretting for the rest of your life.”

My eyes widen as they lock on hers.

“I won’t.”

As I stare at Jackie, I know without a shadow of a doubt that there was a time when I loved this girl more than anything else.

But that time is over. What we had has run its course and there’s no going back and trying to salvage it.

Choices were made that sent us both spinning down different paths. Our connection no longer exists.

But it doesn’t have to be that way with Cassidy.

There’s still time for us to reclaim our relationship.

I’d thought I was doing what was best for both of us when I ended things.

I’d wanted to give her time to sort out her feelings.

But maybe the truth is that I’d been scared of getting my heart ripped out for a second time. Maybe I’d allowed fear to consume me.

Maybe what I’d wanted was for her to prove that she wanted me more than she wanted Luke Wellington.

In hindsight, all I’d done is push her into the other guy’s arms.

“You’re a good guy, Cole,” she says. “You deserve to be happy.”

“So do you.” As the words slip free, I realize that I actually mean them. “I hope you find someone who makes you happy.”

Her lips lift at the corners. “Thank you.”

Before I can overthink the offer, I ask, “Do you want to hang here and watch the game?” I nod toward the kitchen. “Mom was just baking Christmas cookies.”

Her smile grows brighter, and she finally looks like the girl I grew up with. Even though we’ll never recapture what we once had, maybe we can forge a new relationship.

“You know nothing would make me happier than watching Michigan get their asses handed to them,” she says with a smirk.

I shoot her a dirty look before pointing to the door. “Get out.”

A chuckle slips free from her as she settles on the chair. For the next couple of hours, we watch the game and scarf down way too many Christmas cookies.

Our friendship doesn’t feel as easy as it once did, but it is kind of nice.

Maybe Mom is right.

Maybe there’s something to be said for closure.

Although, I won’t be admitting that to her anytime soon.