Page 24 of Don’t Leave (Stay #2)

CASSIDY

“ C ass, I know you’re hurting, but you have to snap out of it.” Brooklyn shoots me a concerned glance as we walk across campus before adding, “You’re beginning to scare me.”

Snap out of it.

If only I could.

If only it were that easy.

It feels like I’ve been sleepwalking through a dense fog for the past ten days. Other than breaking up with Cole, I don’t think I could tell you what else happened. And everything in my life has suffered because of it.

I keep telling myself that I need to pull it together.

There is no way I can fail out of school for a second time.

Especially when I’m starting to make progress with my parents.

Meeting with both of them last week and having everything go smoothly was the only bright spot in an otherwise crappy week.

If I’d held out a tiny scrap of hope that this breakup with Cole would blow over, that hope has been fully extinguished.

I’ve barely seen him. There hasn’t been one single text or call exchanged between us.

He’s pretty much disappeared from my life as if he were never a part of it.

Even though we have Psychology 201 together every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, he now slides last minute into the back of the lecture hall next to his cousin, Sammy.

“I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

That’s my new mantra.

Although, I don’t think it’s working. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be such a mess.

It’s all I can do to hoist the corners of my mouth into something that hopefully resembles an anemic looking smile. For the past week and a half, I’ve been going through the motions. It’s just easier that way.

I’d like to think I’m getting pretty good at faking it.

Or not.

With almost a year of therapy under my belt, I’ve learned how important it is to talk about your feelings, generate a plan, and face your problems head on. Since the breakup, I remember how much easier it is to curl up in a tight ball and ignore the pain that throbs through every spore of my body.

Everything hurts.

Everything feels tender.

It’s like an open sore that refuses to heal.

It’s like I’m back to square one again in the healing process. It sucks ass.

On the bright side, at least I’m no longer having anxiety issues.

Brooklyn snorts.

We’re both bundled up in thick winter jackets with hats pulled low over our ears to protect them from the icy cold winds that blow through leafless trees and around squat stone buildings.

To make matters worse, we had our first snowfall the other day, which made everything feel even more depressing.

“Cassidy, you are so far from fine that it’s not even funny.” There’s a pause before she adds in a serious tone, “I’m worried about you.”

I don’t bother to argue because the effort seems pointless. There’s also the fact that she’s spot-on in her assessment of the situation.

I’m not fine.

Even more concerning—I have no idea when I’ll be fine again.

I’m in such a bad place that I’ve actually kicked around the idea of popping in to see Dr. Thompson, but the idea of actually coming face-to-face with her makes me gut sick.

Brooklyn slings an arm around my shoulder before hauling me close as we trudge to our nine o’clock classes.

A small smile tips one corner of her mouth up as she says, “Who would have ever thought that we’d be having so many penis problems.”

I shake my head and force out a weak laugh. “I don’t think we have problems with penises.”

Of course we do. Penises are usually at the root of every girl’s problem.”

“Well, Cole and his penis don’t want anything to do with me, and you and Austin’s penis are nothing more than?—”

“Fuck buddies?” she supplies with a bright smile.

“That wasn’t exactly how I was going to describe it but sure, we’ll just go with that.” There’s a moment of silence as we both dwell on our penis problems. “So, how’s that situation working out for you?”

She shrugs. “It’s not. The whole sleeping-with-him-to-lose-interest-in-him strategy hasn’t been going according to plan.”

I raise a brow, unsurprised by her pronouncement. What does amaze me is that she’s admitting defeat. “No? How shocking. I mean, your plan had foolproof written all over it.”

She gives me a little shove. “Oh, shut up.”

A chuckle slips free from me in response. Although, it sounds a bit rusty around the edges. There hasn’t been much to laugh about lately.

I glance over at her. “Does that mean you’re going to finally put an end to all this hooking up business?”

She scrunches her nose and gives me a are-you-off-your-fucking-rocker look.

“What kind of question is that? Of course, I’m going to keep knocking boots with him.

The guy is freaking phenomenal in bed.” She tugs me closer before whispering in my ear, “And when I say phenomenal what I really mean is freaking amazing . Remember when I mentioned what he could do with that tongue of his?”

“Yes, I do and I don’t want to hear the gory details again. The first time was mentally scarring enough.”

She rolls her vibrant green eyes. “Oh, whatever.”

Plus, I don’t need any reminders regarding all the delicious ways Cole uses his tongue because the thought of him doing that with another girl—or, god forbid, plural—makes me sick to my stomach.

Is that why it’s been stereo silence from his end?

Has he already gotten together with someone else?

Maybe he’s decided to give Jackie a second chance?

I have no idea and I’m not brave enough to reach out and open up a line of communication.

For whatever reason, Brooklyn decides to bring our conversation full circle, which I could do without. There is nothing she can say that will make me feel better.

“Listen, Cass, I know you’re hurting over the whole Cole situation, and I wish I could tell you that everything will work out in the end but neither of us knows what will happen.

What I do know is that you’ve worked way too hard to get your ass back into college to let it all fall to shit over some guy. ”

Ouch .

I wince at her harsh words.

Cole isn’t some random dude I got mixed up with. He means so much more than that to me.

He means everything.

She pauses for a moment as if silently debating whether to add the last kick in the ass. But here’s the thing about Brooklyn—she’s not afraid to give someone she cares about a dose of tough love.

“You two were together on and off since what? Mid-September? I know you really care about him, but it hasn’t been that long.

If he was willing to simply walk away from you with trying to work it out, then maybe he’s not the guy either of us thought he was.

” She studies me as if to gauge how I’m taking the bitch slap she’s just hit me with.

“You know what I’m saying is true. Maybe Cole is a closet douchebag after all. ”

Even though her comments give me whiplash, that doesn’t mean they aren’t true. Well, not the douchebag part. Cole is the farthest thing from a D-bag. I don’t care what anyone says.

“I know. And you don’t have to worry. I’m not going to throw everything I’ve been working toward away. Whether I’m with Cole or not, my focus is on school.” I draw in a deep breath and pray that what I’m about to utter is the truth, because at this point, it doesn’t feel like it. “I’ll be okay.”

Her eyes sift through mine for the truth. “Yeah,” she finally says, “I think you will be. It just might take a while for you to actually feel better.”

“We’ll both be all right,” I murmur. Even though my gaze is focused on the concrete path stretched out in front of me and the other students walking past, I don’t register any of it. My brain is operating on autopilot.

“Are you going to reach out to him?” she asks.

I shrug. “He doesn’t want to see or talk to me right now and I feel like I should respect that decision.”

“Yeah,” she says with a sigh, “there’s nothing worse than being reduced to a stalker.”

Ugh.

“I refuse to go into stalker mode,” I mutter. Even if I do kind of want to stalk him. Just a tiny bit. But that would mean jackhammering to a whole new level of pathetic and I’m not ready to do that.

Yet.

The problem is that I miss the hell out of Cole.

I miss our easy comradery. Or how much fun we had hanging out.

I miss talking with him during the day and at the end of it.

I miss the way he used to look at me like I was his everything.

And I miss being held in his arms or lying across his bare chest after making love.

I miss all of it so much that I physically ache for him.

The way he dropped out of my life feels devastating.

It’s like someone blasted a massive hole through my existence and I’ve been left to pick up the fragmented pieces.

Even though I have a lot going on with classes, tutoring, and the hockey team, there’s a gaping hole where our relationship used to be.

“And Luke?” she asks, cutting into those thoughts.

“We’re just friends.” I miss Cole way too much to hook up with someone else. He thought I needed to explore my feelings for Luke, but I’m nowhere ready to do that.

Her gaze narrows as if she doesn’t believe me. “You two have been hanging out quite a bit lately.”

“But that’s all we’ve been doing. I…” my voice trails off as we reach the social sciences building and I catch a glimpse of Cole walking toward it.

She gives me a questioning look as I grind to a halt.

“Cass?”

The wet lump of sawdust lodged in the middle of my throat makes it impossible to speak.

My gaze stays pinned to him as heartache tears through me.

All the pain and grief I’ve been trying to keep bottled up inside bursts free, flooding through every cell of my being, making the breakup feel tender and raw all over again.

I just want him back.

“Who’s the girl?” Brooklyn asks.

I’ve been too wrapped up in Cole to notice the pretty brunette he’s walking with.

And talking to.

And smiling at.

Just kill me now. I don’t think I can deal with anymore of this pain. And seeing him with another girl?

Completely devastating.