Page 14 of Don’t Leave (Stay #2)
CASSIDY
O nce we’ve both spent ourselves, all that can be heard in my darkened room is the sound of our ragged breathing. He lowers his face to the delicate hollow of my neck so that his warm breath can feather across my skin. His heart pounds, racing against mine.
I press a tender kiss against the side of my face before he rolls away and grabs a Kleenex off the table beside my bed.
He slides the condom off his softening length, wrapping it up, and disposing of it in the trash can by my desk.
And then he’s back, settling against me on the twin bed.
His bigger body takes up most of the space as I drape myself across him, sifting my fingers through the dark sprinkle of hair smattered across his chest.
Have I felt this kind of contentment?
It’s not a question that needs answering.
His fingers comb rhythmically through my hair.
After a handful of quiet moment, he says, “I was really worried when I couldn’t find you. I hate that you left the party without me. Something could have happened to you.” His fingers still. “Don’t do that again, okay?”
I nip my lower lip as everything from earlier comes crashing back at me.
Jackie.
Her telling me that she wants him back.
Watching her follow Cole up the stairs.
And then leaving the party with Luke.
I draw in a deep breath and wonder what to say. I don’t want to lie to Cole. I promised myself that I wouldn’t keep any more secrets from him, but I also realize he won’t like what I have to tell him.
“Cassidy, babe, did you hear me? It’s too dangerous for you to walk home alone from a party.”
I squeeze my eyes tightly shut and force out the truth before I lose my nerve. Everything feels so perfect between us. I don’t want to ruin that.
“I didn’t walk home alone,” I murmur.
“You left with someone from the dorm?” His fingers resume their movements, but it’s not enough to settle the nerves that are now dancing across my flesh.
“No.” Crap. “Umm, Luke was at the party, and I ended up catching a ride home with him.”
When Cole’s muscles tense, nerves explode in the pit of my belly. “You went home with Luke?”
I pull myself up until our gazes can lock. I need to see every emotion as it sweeps across his face in the moonlight that filters in through the large window. “Only because I couldn’t find you.”
But that’s not altogether true. Seeing him head upstairs with his ex-girlfriend in tow had my chest tightening and left me fighting for breath.
Suddenly, I’d felt claustrophobic with the press of all those bodies closing in on me.
Even conjuring up the memory is enough to have my skin prickling with unease.
“Did he drive you straight back here?” His voice is whipcord tight as he fights to stay calm. After seeing Luke and me at the Union a few days ago, he doesn’t want us spending time together.
I hate that my answer will only cause more problems between us.
“We stopped for coffee.”
“You couldn’t find me, so Luke swooped in and took you out?” There’s a razor-sharp edge to his voice. One that pricks because I didn’t do anything wrong. After the way we shared our bodies with one another, can’t he understand that he has nothing to worry about where Luke is concerned?
Cole is the one I love.
The only one I want to be with.
Luke is nothing more than a friend. I can’t help but wonder if I’m the one who has something to be concerned about. Cole hasn’t bothered to mention that his ex is here at Western. Or that she was at the party tonight.
Why is he keeping it from me?
All of the good vibes from moments ago dissipates as I sit up and gather the sheet around my naked body. How is it possible that all the love and trust we’ve managed to forge between us has disintegrated in the blink of an eye?
My voice stays level as I attempt to explain. “I was feeling claustrophobic with the amount of people there and he recognized that and was only trying to help. That’s it.”
Needing space to breathe, I pull the sheets with me as I leave the bed and collect my small pile of clothing. Even though he hasn’t come right out and accused me of anything, that’s the way it feels.
“Cassidy, come back here.”
Just as his strong fingers wrap around my upper arm, I jerk out of his grasp.
“Don’t!” Without thinking, I snap the word out before spinning away. I don’t like being grabbed. Even though I know Cole would never hurt me, it still makes my heart leap and my chest tighten.
His face falls as he stares at me from the bed. I yank the tank top over my head before stepping into my shorts and sliding them over my hips.
“I’m sorry.” His tone is low, almost pleading. “Please, don’t get upset. It just feels like he’s waiting for me to fuck up.”
“It’s not like that,” I say. Irritation fills me.
With my back to him, I grab a rubber band before gathering up my hair in a ponytail. I need a moment to calm everything raging within me. As I squeeze my eyes closed, I take another deep breath and try to settle the chaos in my head.
There are times when it feels as if everything will be okay. When the days slip by with no incidents, and I pray I’ve experienced my last anxiety attack.
But then something will happen and the feeling of being out of control yanks the rug out from beneath my feet. It brings everything—all of the steady progress I’ve been fighting for— crashing down around my head.
It makes me wonder if I’ll ever be me again.
The me who didn’t suffer from anxiety attacks.
The me who wasn’t bothered by being grabbed or touched.
The me who didn’t care about huge crowds.
I want to be me again…the normal one.
Sometimes it feels like that girl died an ugly death last year for being young, stupid, and making mistakes. Drinking and getting herself into a bad situation…one she almost didn’t come out of unscathed.
Except I didn’t escape unscathed, I remind myself. But it would have been so much worse if Luke hadn’t stepped in and gotten me out of the situation when he did.
This me, the one that emerged from the wreckage, is more tentative. Scared. Nervous. Reserved.
Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever be whole again.
It makes me want to curl up in a tight little ball and cry for all that’s been lost. All I want is to feel normal again.
Lost in the jumbled thoughts that crash around inside my head, I startle when Cole’s arms gently band around me.
He presses a kiss against my shoulder before whispering, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He drops another soft caress against my skin. “You know I’d never hurt you.”
I draw in a deep breath and do a quick self-check. No tightening in my chest. No fighting for breath. I’m okay. Everything is okay.
“You didn’t,” I lie, because more than anything, I want that to be the truth.
His lips settle at the delicate hollow of my neck. “I did and I’m sorry.”
If I’m going to do this, it needs to be now before I lose my nerve.
“I saw you with Jackie tonight on the stairs.”
When his muscles stiffen, I turn in his arms so I can read the expression in his golden-brown eyes.
An expression I’m unable to read flickers across his face. “Oh.”
As I search his gaze, his are doing the same, carefully sifting through mine for answers to questions he has yet to ask. I realize with a sinking heart that we’re both keeping secrets.
“She introduced herself when I was coming back from the bathroom.”
He glances away before shoving his fingers through his messy hair. The urge to tug all those thick, chocolaty-colored strands into place bubbles up inside me. Instead, I keep my hands to myself.
“Did you two speak for long?” he asks tightly.
“Ten minutes or so.” But it was more than enough.
“What did she say?” A muscle tics in his jaw as anger brims in his eyes.
“She said you two had grown up together and were close friends before you started going out in high school.” There’s a beat of silence before I add, “And that you two were serious. Really serious. ”
“Yes,” he whispers hoarsely as if hearing those words is actually painful. “Did she tell you how it ended?”
I bite down on my lower lip. “She cheated on you and…ended up pregnant.”
Cole’s eyes become shuttered. It’s the strangest thing to watch someone who has always been so open and unguarded become devoid of expression.
“There’s nothing between us, Cassidy. I haven’t seen her since before we broke up. She means nothing to me.”
My hand rises to stroke over his cheek. “She wants you back. Did she tell you that?”
He shakes his head as his hand rises to still my fingers so that I’m able to cup the side of his face. “No.”
“She understands that she lost the best thing in her life and now wants it back. She wants you back.” I shake my head. “I can’t really blame her for that.”
“Cassidy,” the closed off expression dissolves before being replaced by a fierceness I’ve never seen before, “I love you. Only you . She’s not going to come between us.
” He tugs me into his arms until we’re able to hold onto one another for dear life before whispering against my hair, “And I won’t let Luke come between us either. ”