Page 83
Story: Did They Break You
CHAPTER
SIXTY
REMI
I pace in my dark room, trying to talk myself out of it. I’ve been huddled up in bed all weekend, attempting to avoid this very thing.
Don’t do it.
Don’t fucking do it, Remi.
You’re brave. Not stupid.
You’re brave.
But then I hear it again.
“No one understands, Remi, because it doesn’t make fucking sense.”
“We’re just living in this fantasy world where things work out between two people like us and they just... don’t.”
The memories burst forth all over again. Not from that night. From Friday night on Cortland’s porch. From the weeks after the assault. The emptiness. That rock thrown in the well that never touched the bottom.
I can’t go back there again.
I look at the blade between my fingers.
It’s like an itch that needs scratching. The only way I know how to deal with the pain of losing him.
But you never ever had him, a voice inside my head says. He was just feeling guilty. Just like Van said.
And maybe I was just feeling lonely.
I stop moving. Stop pacing.
And it’s an itch, yeah, but it feels like it might be controllable this time. Like I could resist.
A lock turns in the door.
My heart nearly bursts from my chest as the light is flipped on.
And Sloane stands in the doorway, the blood draining from her face as she sees the weapon in my hand.
I drop the blade to the floor with a clatter, stepping away from Sloane, toward her side of the room. There’s no air in my lungs but I try to speak anyway as the door closes behind her.
“I’m sorry, I…” I shake my head. Shame washes over me. Pressure builds behind my eyes but I’m so sick of everyone seeing me cry. “I’m sorry,” I say again. “I didn’t know you were coming back tonight. I’m so sorry?—”
“Van called me and said he couldn’t get up with you,” she cuts me off, her voice quiet. Her hair is in a ponytail and she looks exhausted. She was with Asa, and I figured she wouldn’t come back until tomorrow.
My stomach flips with her words.
“Are you okay, Remi?” she asks softly, adjusting the strap of her purse.
I’m fine, I want to tell her. Nothing to see here. I’m just fine.
But I’m so sick of lying. I’m so tired of it. I got fucked up, and I’m not over it. I want to yell that instead. He was helping me heal and now he’s gone.
“He left me.” Those words come out in a rush and I see her surprise.
“He... he broke up with me and I don’t know why he did it.
” It’s the only thing that comes out. I know Sloane doesn’t approve and I know she hates him for me, but I’m tired of trying to please everyone.
Of healing only to be told it’s the wrong way.
So what if he helped me do it?
So what if he shouldn’t have?
He did, and now he’s gone.
“He said it didn’t make sense.” I’m just blubbering now and I know Sloane is confused but she knows I’ve been lying.
And I can’t hold it in anymore. “He broke up with me and…” I drop my hands by my sides, staring down at that blade on the floor.
I don’t want to go back to that. I take a deep breath in. “Use your fucking words, Remi.”
“I don’t understand it.” I laugh a little, tears blurring my vision. “But he doesn’t want me.”
Sloane steps closer, but she doesn’t say anything, so I keep talking.
“I’m sorry I’ve been lying to you,” I tell her, meaning it.
“I’m sorry I’ve been a bad friend this entire year.
I’m sorry you have to deal with my weirdness.
” My shoulders sink as I close my eyes tight, wrapping my arms around myself.
Now that I’m using my words, I can’t seem to stop.
“I’m sorry I’m such a freak, and I cut myself and I don’t eat and I don’t know what’s wrong with me that he fixed all of it. ”
I hear her come closer, but still, she’s quiet.
“You deserve so much better, Sloane. You and Van both. I hate what I do to you. How you both worry about me, and how I suck the fun from everything.” I stumble back a step, knocking into her bed and resting against it.
“I hate that I’ve lied to you, and I haven’t met Asa, and…
” I take a deep breath, the tears still falling as my voice grows hoarse.
I open my eyes, meeting her beautiful green ones.
She reaches for my hand, squeezing tightly as she waits.
My bottom lip trembles with her kindness. “I hate that I’m in love with him, Sloane, but I can’t stop it.”
She pulls me into her arms then and I wrap mine around her while she holds me. Her strawberry scent is comforting and she smooths her hand up and down my back.
“Remi,” she says softly, my head against her shoulder. “You’re my best friend. You’ll always be my best friend. And best friends are here through the shit, too, you know? You didn’t choose what happened to you. And maybe he didn’t either.”
My stomach knots with those words.
“You get to decide how you write that story. Not me. Not Van. You do. And if you love him, you love him, and who am I to stop you?”
I cling to her tighter as she gives me permission to love a boy who I should hate. Who wrecked my entire world. Not once, but twice now.
“I still think he’s awful,” she continues, and I laugh at that, not pulling away from her. “But it’s your story. Your life.” She holds me closer. “I’m just lucky enough to be able to live it beside you.”
“You don’t think I’m fucked up?” I whisper, my eyes closed tight. “You don’t think I’m crazy?”
She pulls away, still keeping her arms around me as I open my eyes. Glancing at the blade on the floor beside us, she swallows. “I didn’t say you weren’t fucked up.” Her eyes come to mine and they’re shining as we both hold in our laughter. “But we all have something that makes us bleed.”
Those words level me. The truth in them.
“Yours happens to be Cortland Adler.” She smiles sadly at me. “And you know why I really hated him?” she whispers, her hands on my shoulders, squeezing me softly.
I shake my head, biting my cheek.
“Because he was crazy about you in high school, Remi. Everyone could see that.”
That lump in my throat grows bigger.
“I don’t know why he had to fuck it all up.
” She shakes her head, like the stupidity of men eludes her.
She looks again at the blade on the ground, saving me from having to respond to her words.
“You need a new vice, okay?” Her eyes spark as they come back to mine.
“Stop blowing off your therapy appointments, and whether you love him or not, if he broke up with you, we’re going to deal with it together. ”
I open my mouth, wanting to tell her she’s done enough for me, but she yanks me close to her again, forcing me into another hug.
“Not because you’re broken, Remi. But because this is what friends do.
When a boy breaks our hearts, we get wasted, and pretend the toilet bowl is his face when we’re puking at the end of the night. ”
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