Page 11

CHAPTER

SEVEN

REMI

My head is spinning, the taste of alcohol heavy on my tongue.

I run in the dark, but I know where I’m going. There’re bathrooms here, tucked away in the woods along one of the hiking trails.

My stomach convulses, bile burning its way up my throat.

I can still smell Chase. Beer and too much cologne. I can feel the sting of my scalp from his hands in my hair.

And I see Cortland, watching it all.

Doing nothing, until the last minute.

Anger takes over my fear, and I see a soft glow as I hit the trail. I used to run here in the mornings, taking in the view of the mountains when it’s light outside.

I grew up ten minutes from here, mountain ranges in my backyard. Still, every time I see those peaks, I feel weightless. Full of awe. Mountains are strength, and sometimes, I wish I could borrow just a little from them.

It’s why I love camping so much. My favorite part of being on the cheer team was the camp outs.

It almost feels like you can steal from Mother Nature when you’re drenched in it.

But I couldn’t that night.

And tonight, my hands trembling as I push open the door to the bathroom, I don’t think I can either.

The bathroom building is small, with two stalls, and the door swings closed loudly behind me.

But there’s no music from the party here. No voices.

I stand in front of the mirror, dirty and cracked, a dim light buzzing overhead as I take in my reflection. My pale face, golden eyes. The eyeliner smeared under them, morphing with the shadows from the lack of sleep I’ve had this past year.

I ball my hands into fists, my chest heaving.

I slam my fist against the dirty counter, my shoes slipping in the grime of the bathroom floor with the movement.

I keep myself upright and smack my fist again, and again, letting it hurt. It’s not as good as taking those scissors to my wrist, but it’s pain all the same.

I’m alive.

I survived.

I hit my hand another time and another, a low snarl working its way up my throat as I stare at my pale skin against the blue counter.

Fuck you, Cortland.

Why didn’t you stay away from me?

I don’t stop hitting the counter, gasping with the feel of it. Even the alcohol can’t numb the pain. The way the edge of the sink juts into my skin with every hit.

Again.

The door swings open at my back and I spin around, my heart dropping to my stomach. And before I can breathe, Cortland is in my face, crowding me against the wall, my spine jarring along the tile.

The adrenaline is still spiking through me and I push at him, hitting my injured palm against his chest. “Back up, Cortland. ” My shoes slide on the dirty floor, and he doesn’t touch me, but he’s too close. I shove at him again, but he’s like a wall.

“Stop fighting me,” he whispers, looking down his nose at me, “or I’ll just fucking kill you.”

Something in his tone has me dropping my arms and pressing my aching palms to the tile wall.

But I don’t look away from him.

Every breath I take brings my chest that much closer to his core, and his nostrils flare as he stares at me.

“Good girl, baby,” he says softly, but his tone is still chilling. He flicks his gaze up and down my body before he asks, “Do you not remember the last time you got drunk in the woods?”

I clench my teeth together. That isn’t a real question and it doesn’t deserve an answer.

“And now you’re doing it all again so Chase can grope you?”

Wow. “I didn’t see you try and stop him. Don’t blame me because you and your friends are incapable of self-control.”

He smiles but it’s not nice. “Are we?” he asks quietly. He steps closer.

I can’t go anywhere else and he knows it.

But he still keeps his hands by his sides. “You look scared now, Remi. You think I’m gonna fuck you in this bathroom? Due to me, what is it?” He tilts his head. “Being incapable of self-control?”

I inhale through my nose, trying to catch my breath. “Cortland, please.” I narrow my gaze. “ Fuck off.”

“I don’t think I will, Remi.” He glances down at my body again. “You like teasing Chase?”

My blood runs cold. I clamp my mouth shut.

“You didn’t even tell him to move.” He plants one hand beside my head and looks into my eyes. Beneath his backwards hat, somehow, they seem more menacing than they ever did before. “You didn’t even push him away.” He cages me in now, with both hands. “You didn’t learn any lessons that night, Remi?”

I take a shallow breath in and out, uncomfortably aware of my nipples hardening into sharp points beneath my hoodie. Of the way he’s blaming me for all the things I’ve spent a year blaming myself for. But I’m not going to tell him that. I don’t want to talk about any of this with him.

“I need to go,” I say, my fingers throbbing as I try to pretend he doesn’t affect me at all.

I think of Sloane and Van and wonder if they’re looking for me yet.

He tilts his head, smirking. “Do you?”

“You can’t do this. Not again.” I try to sound far braver than I feel.

He laughs at that, cutting off my words. “Cute, Remi, but here’s a little secret, since you haven’t figured it out yet.” He dips his head, so he’s level with me. “I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

My knees feel weak. I know I can’t fight him off. And this time, we’re both angry.

“Let me leave, Cortland.” My words are hoarse.

“Why didn’t you say that when it mattered, huh, pretty baby?” He nudges his nose to mine and with our mouths so close, I have to resist the urge to kiss him, to open my lips for him. Let him destroy everything I’ve been working so hard to build.

Higher walls.

Self-respect.

Boundaries.

It’s all crumbling, being with him again.

Because that night, I wanted him. I wanted him. I just didn’t think he’d pass me around. I didn’t think I was a toy. I didn’t think we’d ever get to a point where he’d let Chase nearly take photos of me while I was naked, and drag a branch down my spine, threatening me with it.

That thought has me angry all over again, and I feel a little braver. I dart my hand out, gripping his shirt in my fist, and my mouth does open, my lips parting, but it’s my teeth I sink into his bottom lip, sucking his piercing into my mouth.

This time, he whimpers, his eyes wide.

It feels good.

A rush of power.

I grip his shirt tighter, yanking him closer, and he leans into his hands on the wall as he stumbles forward, like he has to steady himself.

I keep pulling on his lip ring until I taste iron in my mouth.

I remember how much he liked the taste of my blood.

He was so proud of that.

I grab his throat with my other hand, my nails digging into his skin.

It’s a little euphoric, treating him like he treated me. I know in the morning when I’m sober, I’ll be scared all over again. Paranoid. Even tonight, I’ll sleep with the nightlight on, hiding under my covers. But right now, in the woods, with his blood in my mouth, I’m in control.

I clench my teeth around his lip, then release him. He doesn’t pull back though, his temple still pressed to mine. “I can say a lot more now,” I hiss, my pulse loud in my head.

“I like this,” he whispers, his hands still on the wall beside me, his mouth still hovering over mine. “You sticking up for yourself for once.”

“You have no idea what I can do,” I lie.

I lick the blood from my lips, then dig my nails a little deeper into his neck, feeling the flex of tendons beneath my fingertips.

“You made me like this. You broke me, Cortland. Now you have to deal with the pieces.” I flick my tongue over his piercing, something he used to love back in those few fleeting moments we had together.

“And watch out,” I whisper, “because they’re fucking sharp. ”

He smiles in amusement with those words, and some of my confidence wanes. “So cute, baby.”

He snatches my hand from his throat, yanks out of my grip, slamming his hands back beside my head. “But do you ever play with knives?” His words caress my ear.

I think about the scissors at my desk.

“You ever wanna die, Remi?”

I think of those moments of sleep. The only time I don’t want to die somedays.

“I’m not that boy you fucked over anymore.

You fucked me up.” I try to duck out from under his arms, but he puts his palm on my face, twisting it so I’m forced to look at him.

“You wanted to put me in prison for some shit that never happened?” His fingers dig into my jaw, and I can’t breathe all over again.

“This time, you try to send me there…” He drops his hand from my face but doesn’t back up. “I’ll make sure I deserve it.”