Page 47

CHAPTER

THIRTY-FIVE

REMI

“How well do you know Van?”

I look up from the back porch step, see Ryann standing at my side.

I didn’t even hear her come out. With all the screaming happening in the cabin, out on the lawn, people laughing and getting drunk, a group of half-naked coeds playing a game of tag in the clearing edging up against the woods surrounding the cabin, it’s hard to hear much of anything.

I have a drink in my hand, and Van is getting high inside with one of his painter friends, taking turns hitting a bong that is way too big to be legal. Then again, this entire party is illegal. The underage drinking. The pot.

It could get messy.

And that’s why I’m outside on the steps, littered with plastic cups but void of people, because the back porch is tiny.

“I mean, I know you’re technically cousins or whatever but…” Ryann shrugs, a small smile peeking up at the corners of her lips. “Family ties can be shaky.”

I think of Silas and want to laugh, but I let it go.

“I didn’t know him well, not until Ely. But now, we’re close,” I answer Ryann as she sits down beside me, running her palms over her black leggings.

She’s wearing an off-the-shoulder sweater that shows off her slender arms, and her black hair is pulled into a high ponytail.

I find her brown eyes in the dark, and see her elbows propped on her thighs now, hands under her chin as she smiles at me.

“You think he likes me?” she asks me quietly, hope in her words. “Like, really likes me?”

Something about it, the optimism, it makes me hold my cup a little tighter. I glance down at it. It’s half-full, and I want to down the rest of it, but it’s my birthday, and I’m not quite ready to get blackout drunk yet.

“Yeah,” I answer Ryann honestly. Van hasn’t shut up about her recently, every time we’ve spoken, I learned a new fact. Ryann was born in New York. Her mom is from Vietnam. Her dad is in the military. Ryann wants to be a scientist. An honest-to-God scientist, Remi. “I do.”

Ryann nods once, her smile pulling higher. “I like him too,” she says, as if it’s a confession.

“But shouldn’t you know that?” I grin back at her. “You two are like… together, aren’t you?” As the words leave my mouth, I almost feel a little shame because this week I’ve avoided my life. Including Van. Maybe something happened with them that I was too self-absorbed to notice.

Ryann glances over her shoulder, her sweater slipping a little more down her arm as she stares at the back door, Van right inside of it. I can just make out the sound of his boyish laughter. “Yeah,” she says softly. “But we weren’t exclusive. Neither of us really… do monogamy.”

I furrow my brow, confused. Van has never told me that, although I guess he didn't owe it to me. It’s not like we were dating. “What?”

She shrugs, her gaze coming back to me. “I just… you know. I don’t want to hold him back.

I don’t know if he’s told you, and maybe it’s not my place to, but neither of us have ever been committed to one person.

” She laughs a little, looking down at her lap.

“We’re only twenty, right? I think, looking at things long-term, tying each other down would make us… not work.”

I don’t really know what to say to that.

I’d never even thought about the possibility of being with more than one person.

I consider her words for a moment and think about Storm on the couch, but I don’t want him.

It was fun for a moment, but only that. My mind jumps to Maya’s texts on Cortland’s phone, and I know there is no way in hell I’d be okay with an agreement like that.

But it would be something they’d discuss beforehand, right? Maybe that feels different.

Either way, Van hasn’t mentioned it to me at all.

And with my thoughts on Maya, despite the fact Ryann said Van hasn’t ever been with just one person, the first thing I ask is, “Have you told him all this?” I try to keep the hard edge out of my tone, but she must hear it, because she puts her hand on my knee and squeezes before moving it back.

“Yeah, of course. We agreed we could do what we like, as long as we communicate.”

I swallow, surprised we’ve never talked about it, and kind of hurt. I know, though, I’ve only got myself to blame there. Or maybe it’s not just me keeping secrets in my friend group. I tip my cup up to my lips and take a drink before I respond. “Huh,” I say quietly, unsure what else to say.

“He said you’ve been through some shit,” she continues, and I stiffen, turning to face her, taking another drink as I do, my eyes on hers over the top of my cup.

She shakes her head. “He didn’t say what, said that was your story to tell, but…

I’ve been through some shit too. And today is your birthday.

” She gestures to all of the people on the lawn, clouds of marijuana smoke in the air, laughter, too.

“I guess the point of all this is… Do what you want, Remi. Whether it’s hide in your room, sit on this step all night, or have a wild and crazy threesome…

do what you want. You can change your mind at anytime, but for now, you can do anything. ”

Her voice is low with those last words, then she leans in close to me, her mouth inches from my ear. She smells like vanilla, and her breath like vodka. Maybe she’s drunker than I thought, but I kind of like how she smells.

Maybe I’m drunker than I thought, too.

The little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

“I’m going to a cabin down the road with Van,” she whispers. “There’s harder drugs and hornier people.” She laughs, and a chill runs down my spine. My fingers close tighter around my cup. “Wanna come?”

No.

That’s my first answer. An instinct, loud in my head.

But her hand comes to my thigh again, and I clench them together.

I think about Van.

He’s so safe.

I don’t know if I want to have a threesome with him and his girlfriend, but it’s my birthday.

I can do whatever I want.

Those texts from Maya to Cortland flash in my mind, too.

“You can live your life how you want. Fuck the rules, you know, Remi?” Ryann continues, her lips so close to my skin.

I swallow. Think of the scars on my arm. The self-loathing in my veins. Running from Cortland and pretending I hate it when he finds me. It’s not normal. It’s not good. But it’s where I’m at right now.

“Yeah,” I finally say, “I’ll come.”