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Story: Did They Break You

CHAPTER

TWENTY

CORTLAND

I toss and turn hours after I walked Remi to her dorm.

I don’t even know why I did it but seeing her in that cemetery all alone, there’s no way in hell I was going to leave her.

I slide my phone from under my pillow and stare at my background. Mountains at Sandstone Falls up in West Virginia. I think Remi would love it there. Gritting my teeth, I close my eyes a second.

The house is quiet, and I have class in the morning, but I just. Can’t. Fucking. Sleep.

She walks all alone at night, hanging out at parties drinking too much, sitting around in cemeteries without paying attention to her surroundings. Ely is supposed to be safe, but so was West River, right? So were we.

Ever since I watched my friends do one of the worst things we could do to a person, I can’t help but see monsters everywhere.

Including in my own fucking mirror.

I think about my first session tomorrow and wonder if Dr. Ravi will know what I did. Who I am.

I think of Tristan going to his session. I know it’ll go well. What’s not to love about him? Nice and polite, smart as a whip. He should be the golden boy. But Mom doesn’t see that. Just like Maya, it seems only the worst women idolize me.

But not her.

I open my eyes and before I know what the fuck I’m doing, I’m opening up a text to Remi. I don’t even know if it’s her number anymore because she never responded to my last text. I don’t know if she’s blocked me.

But I can’t help it. I text her anyway.

REMI

As the night fades into Thursday morning, I hold my phone in my hands, Cortland’s message staring at me in the dark.

Cortland

How do you sleep?

I think about not answering him as I let my eyes flutter closed. After he walked me back, Sloane wasn’t done with class and I washed my face, brushed my teeth and changed into my pajamas, and with the marijuana still in my system, I feel relaxed.

Sloane will come in soon and I don’t want to hide this from her. I can’t be texting him after what happened. I’m already keeping too many secrets from my best friends.

But his arm around me as he walked me over here like he already knew the way, seemingly uncaring if anyone saw us… I blink my eyes open, holding the phone over my face.

I don’t.

He doesn’t take long to respond.

Cortland

Because you miss me?

I have to bite back a smile, and I know I should hate that.

I know I should block him. I should’ve done that after that night, but I just never did.

I should’ve done it last weekend, but I didn’t.

Still, I should put my phone down. This will go nowhere.

This can be nothing. But in this cocoon of marijuana-laced safety, snug in my bed, I reply anyway.

No.

My heart picks up speed in my chest as I see him typing, and I wonder if I should just slip my phone under my pillow. Let this go.

He’s with Maya.

He doesn’t care about me.

He took me home, drunk, and fingered me.

He could’ve done worse and I’d never know.

But I think about what he said. That I was with some guy in the bushes. He could be lying about that, too. He’s obviously good at it by now.

And that’s exactly what he calls me.

Cortland

Liar.

I don’t respond for a long moment, and his next text comes through.

Cortland

Staying away from blades tonight?

I swallow, hard, thinking of him knowing about my habit.

You don’t care.

It takes him a long time to reply, and I wait for him to cut me down.

Cortland

If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked.

Something warm runs through me with his words. I roll over in bed so it’s easier to look at my screen.

Yes.

Cortland

Promise?

I smile despite knowing he really doesn’t care.

Does it matter? You just said I’m a liar.

Cortland

Then tell me the truth.

I take a breath and try to convince myself again to put my phone away. But I don’t. I can’t.

Yes.

Cortland

Good. Your skin is too beautiful to carve up.

I burrow further under my blankets, like I can hide from the world in here.

Shut up.

Cortland

I laugh out loud, but don’t say anything because he’s still typing.

Cortland

I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

I’m smiling so hard my face hurts, and this reminds me of before. When he wasn’t so angry and so damn bad. When he was my safety. My shelter.

I’m going to pretend a lot of things.

The heaviness comes back with those words. All the things I don’t want to be true. All the ways he wrecked us. Ruined us.

I wonder if he’ll reply at all, and I grip my phone tighter, staring at my screen, waiting for him to type.

After a long moment, he does.

My heart beats too fast in my chest while I wait for his response.

Cortland

Me too, baby.

I don’t smile with that message, because we can pretend all we want, but it won’t take us back in time. Before I can respond, he’s already texted me again.

Cortland

I have a game Saturday. Come.

I shake my head at that. The last place on earth I want to be is a football stadium.

You’re delusional.

Cortland

You love football.

Not anymore.

That truth slices through my cocoon, like leaving cold air in its wake. But I keep staring at my phone, waiting for his thoughts on that. Wondering why I care what his thoughts are.

After a minute, he finally replies.

Cortland

Let me make you love it again.

I know it’s the night making him say things like this. Maybe he’s lonely or feeling guilty. I know he doesn’t mean anything he’s texting me. And I know I shouldn’t be talking to him.

But he’s not the only one who’s lonely. I have two great friends, but neither of them were there that night. Neither of them understand.

And Cortland doesn’t either. Yet out of everyone in the world, he was there. Sometimes I like to think, the next morning when he realized what he did, his heart broke too.

No, thanks. I’m over boys and their balls.

I almost make myself laugh with that one.

His response is nearly instantaneous.

Cortland

Good. Stay away from them. Unless it’s me.

I chew the inside of my cheek, addicted to his words and hating them all the same. But it’s easier, texting with him. I don’t shake and I don’t tremble, and I know he can’t hurt me through a screen.

What are we doing?

After I send that text, nerves run through my body, fighting against the haze of my high.

He takes a minute to reply. Typing, then not. Typing again, then stopping. I close my eyes, my screen going dim.

Then it brightens, and I blink in the dark, staring at his message.

Cortland

All the things we shouldn’t.

But then I hear Sloane’s key flip the lock in the door. Hear her breathy voice say, “Honey, I’m home,” followed by a peel of laughter.

I think about her and Van both staying up with me last year when I couldn’t sleep. They don’t even love each other very much but for me, they came together.

And they’ve both seen me cry over him. Over them.

Because he’s one of them, whether I want that to be true or not.

He isn’t exempt.

As Sloane walks in, I send Cortland a message, then I flip over my phone and sit up in bed, smiling at my best friend, wondering how he’ll receive my words.

No. We’re not. We can’t do this. Goodnight, Cortland.