Page 26
Story: Did They Break You
CHAPTER
TWENTY
CORTLAND
I toss and turn hours after I walked Remi to her dorm.
I don’t even know why I did it but seeing her in that cemetery all alone, there’s no way in hell I was going to leave her.
I slide my phone from under my pillow and stare at my background. Mountains at Sandstone Falls up in West Virginia. I think Remi would love it there. Gritting my teeth, I close my eyes a second.
The house is quiet, and I have class in the morning, but I just. Can’t. Fucking. Sleep.
She walks all alone at night, hanging out at parties drinking too much, sitting around in cemeteries without paying attention to her surroundings. Ely is supposed to be safe, but so was West River, right? So were we.
Ever since I watched my friends do one of the worst things we could do to a person, I can’t help but see monsters everywhere.
Including in my own fucking mirror.
I think about my first session tomorrow and wonder if Dr. Ravi will know what I did. Who I am.
I think of Tristan going to his session. I know it’ll go well. What’s not to love about him? Nice and polite, smart as a whip. He should be the golden boy. But Mom doesn’t see that. Just like Maya, it seems only the worst women idolize me.
But not her.
I open my eyes and before I know what the fuck I’m doing, I’m opening up a text to Remi. I don’t even know if it’s her number anymore because she never responded to my last text. I don’t know if she’s blocked me.
But I can’t help it. I text her anyway.
REMI
As the night fades into Thursday morning, I hold my phone in my hands, Cortland’s message staring at me in the dark.
Cortland
How do you sleep?
I think about not answering him as I let my eyes flutter closed. After he walked me back, Sloane wasn’t done with class and I washed my face, brushed my teeth and changed into my pajamas, and with the marijuana still in my system, I feel relaxed.
Sloane will come in soon and I don’t want to hide this from her. I can’t be texting him after what happened. I’m already keeping too many secrets from my best friends.
But his arm around me as he walked me over here like he already knew the way, seemingly uncaring if anyone saw us… I blink my eyes open, holding the phone over my face.
I don’t.
He doesn’t take long to respond.
Cortland
Because you miss me?
I have to bite back a smile, and I know I should hate that.
I know I should block him. I should’ve done that after that night, but I just never did.
I should’ve done it last weekend, but I didn’t.
Still, I should put my phone down. This will go nowhere.
This can be nothing. But in this cocoon of marijuana-laced safety, snug in my bed, I reply anyway.
No.
My heart picks up speed in my chest as I see him typing, and I wonder if I should just slip my phone under my pillow. Let this go.
He’s with Maya.
He doesn’t care about me.
He took me home, drunk, and fingered me.
He could’ve done worse and I’d never know.
But I think about what he said. That I was with some guy in the bushes. He could be lying about that, too. He’s obviously good at it by now.
And that’s exactly what he calls me.
Cortland
Liar.
I don’t respond for a long moment, and his next text comes through.
Cortland
Staying away from blades tonight?
I swallow, hard, thinking of him knowing about my habit.
You don’t care.
It takes him a long time to reply, and I wait for him to cut me down.
Cortland
If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have asked.
Something warm runs through me with his words. I roll over in bed so it’s easier to look at my screen.
Yes.
Cortland
Promise?
I smile despite knowing he really doesn’t care.
Does it matter? You just said I’m a liar.
Cortland
Then tell me the truth.
I take a breath and try to convince myself again to put my phone away. But I don’t. I can’t.
Yes.
Cortland
Good. Your skin is too beautiful to carve up.
I burrow further under my blankets, like I can hide from the world in here.
Shut up.
Cortland
…
I laugh out loud, but don’t say anything because he’s still typing.
Cortland
I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
I’m smiling so hard my face hurts, and this reminds me of before. When he wasn’t so angry and so damn bad. When he was my safety. My shelter.
I’m going to pretend a lot of things.
The heaviness comes back with those words. All the things I don’t want to be true. All the ways he wrecked us. Ruined us.
I wonder if he’ll reply at all, and I grip my phone tighter, staring at my screen, waiting for him to type.
After a long moment, he does.
My heart beats too fast in my chest while I wait for his response.
Cortland
Me too, baby.
I don’t smile with that message, because we can pretend all we want, but it won’t take us back in time. Before I can respond, he’s already texted me again.
Cortland
I have a game Saturday. Come.
I shake my head at that. The last place on earth I want to be is a football stadium.
You’re delusional.
Cortland
You love football.
Not anymore.
That truth slices through my cocoon, like leaving cold air in its wake. But I keep staring at my phone, waiting for his thoughts on that. Wondering why I care what his thoughts are.
After a minute, he finally replies.
Cortland
Let me make you love it again.
I know it’s the night making him say things like this. Maybe he’s lonely or feeling guilty. I know he doesn’t mean anything he’s texting me. And I know I shouldn’t be talking to him.
But he’s not the only one who’s lonely. I have two great friends, but neither of them were there that night. Neither of them understand.
And Cortland doesn’t either. Yet out of everyone in the world, he was there. Sometimes I like to think, the next morning when he realized what he did, his heart broke too.
No, thanks. I’m over boys and their balls.
I almost make myself laugh with that one.
His response is nearly instantaneous.
Cortland
Good. Stay away from them. Unless it’s me.
I chew the inside of my cheek, addicted to his words and hating them all the same. But it’s easier, texting with him. I don’t shake and I don’t tremble, and I know he can’t hurt me through a screen.
What are we doing?
After I send that text, nerves run through my body, fighting against the haze of my high.
He takes a minute to reply. Typing, then not. Typing again, then stopping. I close my eyes, my screen going dim.
Then it brightens, and I blink in the dark, staring at his message.
Cortland
All the things we shouldn’t.
But then I hear Sloane’s key flip the lock in the door. Hear her breathy voice say, “Honey, I’m home,” followed by a peel of laughter.
I think about her and Van both staying up with me last year when I couldn’t sleep. They don’t even love each other very much but for me, they came together.
And they’ve both seen me cry over him. Over them.
Because he’s one of them, whether I want that to be true or not.
He isn’t exempt.
As Sloane walks in, I send Cortland a message, then I flip over my phone and sit up in bed, smiling at my best friend, wondering how he’ll receive my words.
No. We’re not. We can’t do this. Goodnight, Cortland.
Table of Contents
- Page 1
- Page 2
- Page 3
- Page 4
- Page 5
- Page 6
- Page 7
- Page 8
- Page 9
- Page 10
- Page 11
- Page 12
- Page 13
- Page 14
- Page 15
- Page 16
- Page 17
- Page 18
- Page 19
- Page 20
- Page 21
- Page 22
- Page 23
- Page 24
- Page 25
- Page 26 (Reading here)
- Page 27
- Page 28
- Page 29
- Page 30
- Page 31
- Page 32
- Page 33
- Page 34
- Page 35
- Page 36
- Page 37
- Page 38
- Page 39
- Page 40
- Page 41
- Page 42
- Page 43
- Page 44
- Page 45
- Page 46
- Page 47
- Page 48
- Page 49
- Page 50
- Page 51
- Page 52
- Page 53
- Page 54
- Page 55
- Page 56
- Page 57
- Page 58
- Page 59
- Page 60
- Page 61
- Page 62
- Page 63
- Page 64
- Page 65
- Page 66
- Page 67
- Page 68
- Page 69
- Page 70
- Page 71
- Page 72
- Page 73
- Page 74
- Page 75
- Page 76
- Page 77
- Page 78
- Page 79
- Page 80
- Page 81
- Page 82
- Page 83
- Page 84
- Page 85
- Page 86
- Page 87
- Page 88
- Page 89
- Page 90
- Page 91
- Page 92
- Page 93
- Page 94
- Page 95
- Page 96
- Page 97
- Page 98
- Page 99
- Page 100