Page 4 of Denying Her Mate (The Wolves of Black Mountain #3)

Chapter 4

Roux

A wareness prickles me. Glancing up from the sink, I peer out of the kitchen window and see Sawyer. He’s standing in the middle of the path, as if he’s heading to his cabin, but Halle and Cade are with him. I don’t know what they’re saying, but the gestures from both sides suggest the conversation is not calm. I can sense Sawyer’s stress and frustration from his stance, though it’s faint, due to our unformed mating bond. If I had allowed him to claim me it would grow stronger, but I ruthlessly keep the bond between us shoved down, as if I can deny it by sheer will alone.

I steady myself, gripping the edge of the counter as he walks away from Halle and Cade. I hate that he’s sad and that I am the cause of it, but sad is better than dead, and that’s all he’ll be if he forces the mating bond into place.

“Are you okay?”

Tessa.

Her soft voice makes me smile, in spite of the turmoil raging inside me. Tessa is the youngest of us and, like me, is moon-touched. She is a powerful tau, maybe not as strong as Halle or Hester, but she is still a force to be reckoned with.

“Roux?” She says my name, bringing my attention to her.

I turn slowly and fix her with a watery smile. “Hey.”

Her gaze goes to the window, peering down over the cabins, before coming back to me. I know she sees Sawyer walking away from his brother because the breath she releases is laced with disapproval.

She thinks I’m a terrible person for what I’m doing to the wolf who is meant to be mine. Maybe I am, but I know what happens if I get involved with him.

“You haven’t talked to him yet?” she asks.

I shift my shoulders. “There’s nothing to say.”

Tessa frowns at me, her dismay growing. “I wish you and him could work things out.”

I wish that too, but how can I allow Sawyer into my life when I risk hurting him?

“Why don’t you just fuck him already?” Apryle says as she enters the kitchen, carrying a stack of plates.

This time it’s me who’s frowning. She really has no idea how much this is tearing me apart.

“Apryle!” Tessa gasps, and not because of the crudeness of her words, but because the other women have been dancing around me for weeks. Apryle is not one to walk on eggshells though. I’m surprised she held back this long.

“What? We’re all thinking it.” Apryle tosses her head, irritation in her expression. “He’s your mate, Roux. Most of us don’t expect to ever find our fated mate, and yours is here, wanting to claim you. Get over yourself.”

I flinch at her words. She might as well have slapped me across the face.

“I wish I could just get over myself ,” I fire back, guilt and shame making my words sharp. “But it’s not that simple.”

“Seems that simple to me. Fate put you together. Why fight that?”

She slides the plates on the side and heads out of the room, leaving a thick tension in the air. Maybe it is that simple for her, but Apryle has no idea what I suffered before I came to the Sanctuary. She has only known this version of Roux.

Tessa stands in stunned silence before she turns to me. “She shouldn’t have said that.”

“She’s not wrong though, is she?” Needing something to keep busy, I reach for the stack of plates and dunk the top one into the sink. The water is hot and sears my skin, but I welcome the bite of pain.

It would be easy to give in and take Sawyer as my mate. I can almost imagine his thick arms holding me down as he slides his cock into my body. I can feel the ridges of his veiny shaft as it pushes deep into my pussy. Everything throbs with need as his mouth finds mine and—

Stop .

The plate I’m washing shatters suddenly. I gasp, stepping back from the sink.

What did I do?

Tessa grabs my wrist as blood drips from my palm and snags a towel from the side, pressing it against the jagged cut. “What happened?”

“I don’t… I don’t know.” It’s lie, but I can’t tell her what I was thinking before my magic… exploded.

Tessa has to know I did something though. I can smell the magic in the air. I didn’t use a lot, but it was enough to break the plate.

Once my hand is wrapped in the towel, I expect Tessa to let go of my hand, but she doesn’t. Instead, she raises her eyes to mine. “I don’t want to get into your business, Roux, but I’ve been Sawyer. Getting rejected by Abel hurt, not just emotionally, but also physically. If you’re determined to do this, then you need to give him explanation as to why.”

My shoulders sag. I know she’s right. I feel the pain too, even though it’s me who rejected him. I can’t even imagine the suffering I’m putting him through.

Guilt spreads through me—an ugly, dirty feeling. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

“I know that,” Tessa says. “I don’t understand why you are. Every wolf on the planet wants to find their fated mate, Roux. Why don’t you?”

Because I’m cursed.

I swallow the words down, even though I want to tell her my situation. It sits on the tip of my tongue, but I clamp my teeth together to silence myself. “Maybe I should leave the Sanctuary.”

Tessa’s brows knit together. “You can’t. The Order will pick you up as soon as you leave the safety of the wards.”

Anger rolls through me, not at her words, but at the situation we find ourselves in. “So we just live like prisoners for the rest of our lives?”

Tessa flinches at the harshness of my words. I want to apologize, but I say nothing, letting the heaviness grow between us.

I’m not this person. I’m not angry and filled with poison. I don’t want to hurt Tessa. She is a friend, someone I care deeply about.

I tear my fingers through my hair, desperation and frustration warring within me.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“It’s okay,” she assures me, forgiving me, even though I don’t deserve her kindness or understanding.

“No, Tess, it’s not. Hester promised me this wouldn’t be possible. I shouldn’t be having feelings for Sawyer.”

Tessa nibbles on her bottom lip, her eyes thoughtful. “You had Hester bind your mating bond?”

I’d done that and more. Shame coats my skin with the dirt of my past sins. I had no idea I would ever find my mate. It seemed like such a remote possibility, that I never considered the consequences of asking Hester to help me.

“Does it matter what I did? It didn’t work anyway,” I say.

Tessa’s sympathy is undeserved, but she gives it to me anyway.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned about our magic, it’s that it isn’t foolproof, and the fated mate bond is so strong it can’t be controlled.”

Tessa and I both twist at the sound of Halle’s voice behind us. I don’t know how she managed to get into the house without us hearing or seeing anything, but then, Halle is the most powerful tau I’ve ever come across.

“She didn’t bind my magic,” I say, my gaze going back to the big window that overlooks the back of the property. I don’t see Sawyer anymore, nor Cade. The lake in the distance shimmers in the low winter sunlight, and the snow covering the ground makes everything seem brighter.

“Then what did she do?” Halle demands. “Because what you’re doing to Sawyer is cruel.”

There’s a bitter tone to her voice, and I don’t blame her for it. She’s right. I am cruel, but I’m also protecting him. If he and I mate, he will be just as cursed as I am.

“You don’t understand,” I say.

My arm is grabbed, and I’m tugged around to face an irate Halle. Her green eyes blaze anger as she glares at me.

“No, Roux, you’re right. I don’t understand. You’re both suffering, and for what? Do you really despise him that much?”

I don’t, and that is the problem. This would be easier if I did. “Keep out of this,” I warn her.

Tessa’s eyes flare at my tone. I ignore her shock, focusing instead on Halle. I’m terrified of slipping up and doing what my wolf and I want. One wrong move and I will ruin Sawyer’s life. I can’t do that. Not again. So I force my face to contort into a mask of rage as I step up to Halle. She flinches, as if she fears I’m going to strike her. I hate that I’ve made her scared. Halle was abused by her former chosen mate and, while he is dead, muscle memory lives on for a long time.

Still, I hold my ground. This conversation has to stop. I can’t keep having it with them.

“This is my home, Halle, not his. He doesn’t get to come here and demand I’m his mate.”

Her eyes search my face, disbelief etched into every line of her face. “That’s exactly what a fated mate bond means. You and him are tied together by more than feelings. Magic chose to put you together.”

This time it’s me who flinches at her words.

“If you push me, you’re going to see a side you don’t like,” I warn her.

It’s the wrong thing to say to someone like Halle who is a spitfire when it comes to her guys. “Do whatever you need to.”

“Come on. Stop arguing.” Tessa tries to play the peacemaker, but Halle isn’t going to be soothed.

“If he has any sense, he’ll find himself a chosen mate and leave me alone.”

I turn away from her, giving Halle and Tessa my back. Screw her and screw this. I step toward the back door, intending to retreat to the safety of my cabin, but the swell of magic fills the air around us, crackling with electricity. Halle, who was behind me, suddenly appears in front of me, blocking my path.

I’m so stunned that I can’t form any words; I stumble back, colliding with Tessa.

“How did you do that?” Tessa asks, her voice wobbling.

Halle doesn’t answer. She glares at me, as if she can make me accept my mating bond with just a look. Fury rages through me.

“Get out of my way, Halle.” I bare my teeth, my wolf pissed at being cornered like this.

“You’re making a mistake.”

“If I am, it’s my mistake to make, not yours.”

I try to step around her, but Halle mirrors my movement, keeping me in the kitchen.

“Halle, let her pass,” Tessa urges, and I can feel the swell of magic growing around us all. I am not as strong as Halle—as any of the tau—but I will still fight her if she insists on pushing me.

“What’s going on?” Apryle. She must have felt the magic when Halle moved herself in front of me.

“Nothing,” I say. She is the last person that needs to get involved in this. Apryle has that need to fan the flames of whatever fire she’s standing in front of. “Halle’s just moving out of my way.”

The little, red-headed tau doesn’t move. She just glares at me like she’s contemplating using magic to knock some sense into my brain.

“Why are you so scared of Sawyer?” The question is asked softly, her voice low, but it resonates around the room as if she has shouted it.

Cold works through me, as I’m hit with the ugly shame of what I did.

“I’m not.” I have to choke the words out, but I manage to speak them. My heart is racing so fast I feel lightheaded. If they knew the truth…

“That’s a lie,” Halle calls me out without any kindness. “He’s meant to be yours. How long do you think you can deny that?”

“I don’t owe him anything, even if he is my mate,” I hiss at her, my nerves fraying. “You don’t have the first clue what I’m going through right now.”

She scoffs as if I have said something repugnant. “I don’t care what you’re going through. You’re hurting my friend. You could kill him if you don’t let him claim you.”

My throat tightens so much I can’t breathe or swallow. I want to cry, to let all my emotions flow free, but I won’t give Halle the satisfaction of seeing me break.

“I don’t want to kill him.”

“Then what the hell do you want, Roux?”

I want to escape this conversation, but she’s not going to let me until she has said what she needs to.

A dark laugh draws both our attention. Apryle is leaning against the wall, a smirk engraved on her face. “Things were getting boring around here, but this? This excites me. Are you going to use fists or magic?”

“They’re not fighting!” Tessa snaps, stepping between us and trying to push Halle back. “Both of you, just calm down.”

Halle doesn’t listen. She tilts her head to the side, glaring at me as if I am nothing. “You know I could just walk into your mind and pull the answers out of you, right?”

It’s as if she dumped a bucket of ice-cold water over my head. The shiver that works through me at the thought of her stealing my thoughts like that is violent. She could do it, easily. Any of them could.

“Oh, don’t look so scared,” she snaps. “I wouldn’t do it.”

“Then why even threaten it?”

“Because you need to wake up, Roux. This isn’t just about you. Sawyer is dying piece by piece. He wants to leave, to run far away from you. He’s only staying because he has some misguided notion that he needs to keep you safe, even if it kills him.”

Bile coats my throat, the acidic taste of it burning. I hate that she’s right, and I hate that I can’t just pretend things will be okay. “I know you want to protect him, but that’s all I’m doing as well.”

Halle scans my face, her eyes narrowed as if she is trying to see the truth in my words. “You’re entitled to your privacy, but my patience is wearing thin. I’m not sitting around and watching Sawyer, or you, fade away because you won’t explain your reasons for denying the mating bond.”

She pushes around me, her shoulder bumping mine, as she leaves out the back door. I allow myself to draw in air when she slams it shut behind her.

“Well, that was boring,” Apryle complains. “I was expecting a little more action.”

I scent Abel a second before he steps into the room, holding a pile of dishes. His gaze comes straight to his mate, before moving between me and Apryle.

“We’re okay,” Tessa says softly to him, and he grunts.

“I know that. If you weren’t, I’d have been in here before now.”

Her smile and the love shining in her eyes make my chest feel tight. This is what I could have with Sawyer if I just let go of the past.

Shaking myself mentally, I savagely push that thought out of my mind. How can I? I am the kiss of death for anyone in my sphere.

Abel places the dishes on the side, ready for cleaning, and wipes his hands on the towel hanging from the oven door. “I’m doing a supply run. Do you girls need anything?”

Apryle gives him a list of things, and while he’s occupied, Tessa takes my hand in hers. The warmth of her skin and the kindness in her eyes choke me for a moment. I know everyone here thinks I’m playing some kind of game with Sawyer, but I’m not. I’m genuinely terrified of getting close to him.

“You can talk to me,” she says.

“I know,” I agree, because I do. Tessa has become a friend to me, more so than Apryle ever has been, even though she has been here longer.

When I don’t offer more, Tessa pats our joined hands with her free one and releases me. “Okay then.”

Abel walks over, his arms sliding around her waist and pulling her against him. The way her face softens for him hits me like a wrecking ball to the chest. This is pure love between two mates, fated to be together.

I shouldn’t watch, but my eyes are locked onto them, as Abel kisses his mate like she is the oxygen he needs to breathe. His fingers tangle in her hair, pulling her closer against him as he deepens the slant of his mouth.

My fingers dig into my palms, the nails leaving half-moon marks embedded in my skin, as they break apart, panting and breathless. Tessa looks a little love drunk as she sighs.

“I won’t be long,” Abel tells her, skimming his knuckles over her cheek.

“Be careful.”

“Always.”

She grabs the front of his shirt before he can walk away. “I mean it, Abel. Please be careful.”

His eyes crawl over her face, taking in every inch of her as if he is committing it to memory.

“They don’t want me, baby.”

“I know, but—” Tessa breaks off suddenly. Her hands instantly press against her temples, as if she is trying to squeeze her head together.

I know what it is. I’ve seen this before.

It’s a vision.

Her mouth opens in a soundless scream, as her legs fold beneath her. Abel grabs her before her knees skim the tiles and keeps her on her feet as her body convulses.

Her visions are not usually this intense, so I find myself trying to offer her comfort. As I touch her, I know it is a mistake. Tessa’s magic flows through me like an electric current. Pain fills me, every synapse in my body contracting, as her magic and mine combine.

I gasp, my legs folding too, but there is no one to grab me so I slam into the tiles, my knees jolting as images flash through my brain.

A blonde woman. Running. Terror crosses her face as she darts away from the baying sound of wolves.

I go to all fours, losing my hold on Tessa and disconnecting whatever the hell I am seeing at the same time.

My temple throbs and my stomach churns savagely. I gulp air into my lungs as my vision swims.

How does Tessa deal with that?

I feel like my brain is liquifying.

“Hey.” Tessa’s voice penetrates through the agony rolling through my skull. “Roux, look at me.”

I try to open my eyes, but they feel glued shut. “Who was that?” I wheeze the words out.

“You saw the vision too?”

“The moment I touched you.”

I finally manage to pry my eyes open, and I have to blink rapidly to clear my vision enough to stop Abel and Tessa from looking like watery apparitions.

“That’s strange,” Tessa says. “You shouldn’t have been able to see anything.”

“You’re a coven now.” Hester’s voice is sharp and has us all glancing in her direction. “Your power can be shared, utilized in a way it couldn’t before. That’s why we’ve been training together.”

Abel offers me a hand and I take it. My knees protest as he helps me to my feet. Every inch of me feels wobbly and there is a dull ache in my forehead. Rubbing my fingers over my lips, I let him push me into a chair at the breakfast bar.

“I shared my power with Roux?” Tessa asks.

Hester ignores this question, her eyes intense as she studies her. “Tell me about the tau you saw.”

Tessa leans back against the counter, her hands trembling too. I’m glad it’s not just me. I feel wrung out. “I don’t know what to tell you. I saw a blonde woman. She was running. That was it.”

“They’re always running,” I say quietly.

“Did it seem like the Order was chasing her?”

“It was wolves after her—”

The kitchen door slams open, the handle bouncing off the wall loud enough to make me jolt.

I almost unleash my magic, until I realize it is Sawyer standing there. His eyes are wild and not their usual color. The red of his wolf’s irises glow instead of his usual brown, and claws are in place of his fingertips, as if he half shifted.

I don’t breathe as his gaze locks to mine. The intensity makes my gut clench, and I stiffen as he comes to me.

I’m not scared of Sawyer hurting me, not physically anyway, but there are other ways to destroy a person. He stops in front of me, and without warning, his hands cup my face. He scans me, as if searching for injuries and when he finds nothing his gaze narrows.

“What happened?” he demands, as his eyes turn back to normal, his claws receding.

I should pull back, but I’m leaning into his touch. I’m rattled by what just happened and I need his comfort.

“Roux,” he repeats my name when I don’t answer. “Are you hurt?” His fingers tighten on my face, trying to gain my attention.

I give it to him, my eyes lifting to meet his. The moment our gazes collide, heat floods me, and my body feels electric. I am lost in him, and he is lost in me.

“I’m… I’m okay.” I sound breathless, unsurprising, considering my lungs are working overtime.

He keeps his hands on my face, but his thumb rubs absently over the apple of my cheek. If he keeps it up, I’m going to melt into his arms. “I felt you… through the bond.”

Did I push my emotions out to him? I didn’t mean to if I did.

“I’m sorry,” I say.

He shakes his head. “Don’t ever be sorry for calling me when you need me.”

Those words are enough to give me the strength to pull away from him.

As much as I crave him, I have to keep my distance. It doesn’t matter that it causes me physical pain to deny what he is to me. I need to be certain and surefooted when I’m dealing with Sawyer.

I see the ripple of pain cross his face as I step back, putting a chasm between us. I wish I could take it back, wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him senseless, but that is not the path we are on.

“I didn’t mean for you to come,” I say quietly.

“You were scared and in pain. I thought the hunters were here.”

“No hunters,” Apryle says from the doorway. I didn’t realize she had come back into the room. “Tessa had a vision. Your girl saw it too.”

Your girl…

“I’m not his girl, Apryle.”

Another arrow aimed and fired at Sawyer’s heart. How many wounds do I need to cause him?

Sawyer doesn’t react to my dismissal, instead addressing Hester. “Are the girls in danger?”

She shakes her head. “The tau Tessa and Roux saw is though. We need to figure out how to find her before the hunters do.”

Another one of us running from a fate worse than death. Now that we know the Order is collecting the tau wolves they capture, we have to stop that from happening. I don’t know what is being done to them once they are with the Order, but I can imagine it isn’t good.

The issue is, we can only find them when Tessa or Hester has a vision, and those are not an everyday occurrence.

“No,” Sawyer says, his tone resolute. “I’m not letting you drag her into whatever war you’re playing with these hunters.”

No? Who the hell does he think he is?

I bristle at his words. He’s not my keeper. At this moment in time, he’s not even my mate. “That’s not your choice, Sawyer,” I retort before Hester can.

He twists to me, his expression so hard I want to recoil back from him. In this moment, he seems every bit the vargr he is.

I hold my chin high, refusing to falter, even when he steps toward me. “You die in the game this bitch is playing, and I will burn this place to the fucking ground.”

A shiver runs up my spine, but it’s not an unpleasant one. My wolf likes his protective anger, and so do I.

“Don’t call her that,” I chastise him, but with little heat.

“She’s in the way of us.”

“She’s nothing to do with us.”

A wave of dizziness suddenly washes through me and I wobble, reaching for the nearest thing to steady me.

Sawyer.

It’s a mistake. He grabs me, holding me tight. “You okay?”

I swallow past the thickness of my tongue. “Just… stop.”

His face contorts into an angry mask. “I will never stop protecting you, Roux, even if it's from people you don’t think you need protecting from.”

“I don’t need protecting.”

Everything and everyone narrows, until all I see is Sawyer. My chest heaves, and my skin feels heated at having him so close to me.

Claim me.

Take me.

My thoughts are not confused. My body, my biology, my magic, knows what I want.

My mate…

“Leave me alone, Sawyer,” I gasp out the words, tearing out of his grasp and stumbling toward the door. I need to run, to escape the hold he has on me.

“Don’t,” he pleads as my hand latches around the doorknob. “Please.”

I shut my eyes, the pain I feel more emotional than physical. He’s tearing me apart.

Claim him. He’s ours.

Through our tenuous mating bond, I can feel his emotions. They’re faint, but I can’t escape his torment. This is shredding him, and it is all my fault.

“I have to...” I say softly and then rush out of the kitchen.

I move in the direction of my cabin, needing a moment to breathe, to calm myself. I can sense him behind me, following me, so I break into a run.

Escape. I need to get free of these feelings.

“Roux! Stop!”

I nearly reach the steps of my cabin, when his hands are on me, turning me around to face him. I gasp, his touch igniting me. His expression is confused but also angry. I don’t blame him for those emotions.

“I’m done playing this game with you, Roux!”

“Get off.” He doesn’t and I feel my resolve weakening. “Get off me!” I scream, thrashing against him. My fists beat against his chest, trying to remove his hold on me.

His alarm and dismay filters through my hysteria, but I push it down, focusing on the only thing I need in this moment. My freedom from him.

Sawyer releases me, and I stumble back from him, my head pounding. “Stay away from me!”

“What happened to you?”

My mouth is suddenly dry, my tongue too thick. “I don’t owe you an explanation, Sawyer.”

“No, you don’t,” he agrees, “but whatever is going on, I can help you. We can fix it together.”

“I don’t need fixing, and I don’t need you to solve my problems.”

I rush up the steps and into my cabin, slamming the door shut behind me. Once I’m sure he’s not going to follow me inside, I sag against it and let the tears flow.