Page 122 of Denim & Diamonds

“Then I’m screwed because I can’t imagine not being stressed the first—I don’t know—eighteen years of his life?”

“He probably started crying because he felt the pressure in his ears from takeoff. Do you have a pacifier?”

“I do. But I tried the bottle and he didn’t want it.”

“Sometimes they want to suck but not drink. Give it to me.”

I handed over the rubber pacifier I’d wrapped in a paper towel and within a minute, Patrick had nodded off to sleep.

“He’s also warm,” my brother noted. “It’s hot in here, and I can still feel your body heat on him through his blanket. I’m going to unwrap him and let him breathe for a minute while he sleeps.”

“Uh…maybe you shouldn’t—”

Though it was too late. Elvin peeled back the first layer of my “swaddle” and his eyebrows jumped. “Are you shitting me, bro?Duct tape?”

I hadn’t been able to get the stupid swaddle to stay closed the way the nurses had, so Patrick and I took a walk to the hardware store down the block, and I duct taped the layers of swaddle together to keep it closed. “That was the best I could do. And don’t curse around my kid.”

“I’ll show you how to swaddle once we land.”

I let out a heavy breath. “Can you show me how to be a father? Because I have no damn clue.”

Elvin smiled. “You’re going to be great. You might not know everything, but you found a way to get the job done, didn’t you?”

“I’m terrified I’m going to screw up.”

“So you’ve said. And I’ve told you that’s a given. But you’ll both survive it. I screwed up plenty with my kids. When Ethan was two weeks old, he woke up screaming in the middle of the night. I decided to be a hero and get up for a change, but it takes me a while toreallywake up. Ethan drank powdered formula, so I went into the kitchen and mixed him a bottle. But he wouldn’t stop fussing while I fed it to him. Turned out, I’d mixed my protein powder, so he was drinking Muscle Milk. Another time, we got this fancy new jogging stroller. The thing had everything—cup holder, shock absorbers, place to clip your phone. Anyway, I decided to be the ultimate adventurer and take the baby to the nature trail around Sizemore Lake. As I was walking, a squirrel ran across the path in front of me, and I thought I’d snap a picture with Ethan and the furry guy in the frame together. So I started running after the squirrel, into the wooded area. It was a jogging stroller with beefy tires and shocks, so I figured it was meant for off-roading. But a hundred feet in, I hit a rock and the stroller lurched forward. Ethan, who was strapped into the damn thing, somehow flew out like he was launched from a cannon with no helmet. Luckily, he landed in a bush, and didn’t bash his head on a rock, but he still got a couple of good scrapes and was bleeding.” Elvin pointed at me. “And if you ever tell Linda that story, I’ll put itching powder in all your boxers like we did to Axe for his sixteenth birthday. Linda thinks I was carrying him and some asshole cyclist whizzed by and knocked us over.”

“Are you trying to make me feel better? Because those two moronic stories just made me feel worse. What if my kid lands on the rock instead of the bush?”

Elvin chuckled. “Then you’ll duct tape his head shut.”

The rest of the flight went by without incident, and Patrick was an angel as we waited for our luggage and drove home. I’d taken an Uber to the airport since I’d had no idea how long I was going to be gone, but Elvin had parked in short-term parking, so he drove me to my apartment.

“I need to grab my house keys from the bar,” he said. “I forgot them when I stopped in the other night. Linda’s not fond of being my doorman.”

“Alright, well, thanks for making the trip. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem. But why don’t you stop in at the bar with me? I’m sure the regulars would love to see the baby.”

“Maybe tomorrow. It’s already been a long day.”

Elvin put a hand on my shoulder and steered me to the bar entrance. “Five minutes.”

I sighed. I didn’t want to argue since he’d done so much for me. I was holding the baby, so Elvin opened the door. I took one step in and…

“Surprise!”

Holy shit. The bar was packed with people. At first I was confused.What the hell is going on?It wasn’t my birthday. But then I scanned the room and found a blue glittery sign draped along the back wall.Baby Shower.I hadn’t moved from inside the doorway, so Elvin prompted me to step in farther.

“Sorry,” he said. “But this shit is a rite of passage.”

“Yeah, for themother.”

“Well, you’reMisterMom. So put on your best pageant smile and let the ladies coo overthat cute little peanut.”

Over the next three hours, half the town of Meadowbrook met Patrick. I didn’t love the idea of so many people being around my week-old son, but I tried to make the best of it by reminding myself of an article I’d read during one of my late-night baby-raising reading binges this week. It said recent studies showed that infants are born with a stronger immune system than most people think. Though to be safe, I didn’t let anyone except Elvin and Linda hold him. By the time people finally left, I was ready for an early bedtime.

I looked around at the plethora of gifts. “Where am I going to put all this stuff?”